Of Überflammen

All flames together must be used to make me feel whole. Against the meaninglessness and emptiness that haunt me, knowing I’m doing my best to learn and to love, to face the challenges and fears and that I’m trying to do it wisely is a fulfilling constitution.

At first it was a hypothetical idea made to represent the whole fulfilling effect the Fire Ensemble had in me. But then one of these days I unexpectedly felt it was possible to have them all at once.

The enthusiasm in Hephaestus’ Eyes, the lighted sympathy of Áine’s Heart fused with the grounding force of Trygve’s Chest, the firm grip of Zhu Rong’s Hands, and, at the top of it all, the conduction by Vesta’s Mind.

Of fiery clashes

One of the things I’m most proud of the legacy I’m building is how fortunate the elaboration of the Fire Ensemble was. For some reason, they feel incredibly complete, and they have always been just five of them and rarely I felt there was need for any other one. I don’t remember studying or reading anything about how to separate them for my inner constitution. It was just a very critical materialization of the quintessence I’m still trying to figure out, and yet it was just a natural choice.

But it’s not as if they are without clashing. Vesta has sounding clashes with Hephaestus and Áine. Zhu Rong is in favor of acceptance and well-being of my current self, while Trygve argues for its death. Sometimes it seems that one must be dormant when the other one is triggered…

It’s to wonder why such a complete ensemble would come with so much conflict. Maybe they represent the quintessence of my inner conflicts. Maybe if I get the chance to create harmony between them I can convert the personified harmony into a spiritual harmony inside me.

Of Returning (and Neighboring) Quintessences

It’s hard for me to go back and read all my previous texts, but when I do, it’s weird to go back and find that I’d been struggling to describe some idea that is now very clear to me. There’s relief to think that even back then in that mess of my past I was already showing signs of a prosperous and yet-to-come legacy. For instance, when I first tried to define emotional responses, there already was hint for future motifs. In the case, I was already talking about quintessences.

But then again I start to think that nowadays I am usually referring to quintessences basically what I first called emotional responses. It is as if it is simply the same idea again. Probably a little more developed, and maybe not even the same idea, but rather the same compelling force.

In a way I can consider it a mindtrap, as I would forget the quintessence was already chased and named, and then as a new generation would come, I’d feel it and chase and tame and name it again, as if it was another motif. It would be a twin, a cloned motif. But if done carefully, and if I pay attention to what would be the returning force, I’d be able to put them apart but still close enough to complement each other. They would be neighboring motifs.

The idea of returning quintessences is particularly important for me to define what motif classes there are. Also it makes it better for me to practice chaining and leitmotifing, as it be easier for me to see the relationship between them neighboring ideas.

As a final note, I think quintessences and crests work with a similar logic: we’ve already got them all. Not exactly born with, but at least two decades of living might have already soaked us the concepts that we’ll try to understand for the rest of our lives. Sylvan quintessences might be just the already witnessed quintessences, just not completely, and I think they would be the ones to haunt me again if not materialized properly. In essence, quintessences might be a myth as much as completely novel crests. Or maybe it’s a matter of having the skill to clean the room and unload the mind from cobwebs (after all, what do twenty-somethings know of things yet to come?). Maybe the quintessences are not in me, just a reflexive conversion of the equations in the world.

Of Quintessential Conversion

Once in a while I wonder where I can get my ideas from, and how I would be able to optimize their fabrication. However, because of the Hawthorne’s Block, so far I haven’t been able to make an industrial production of ideas.

Sometimes I feel their origin is not inside me, I’m just processing the material I’m fed. It would explain how the ambient of my mind would change depending on the mood I am in, historical studies, gamified concepts or whatever is how they would install in my mind and become the resource where I’d be able to mine motifs from.

As my mind seems to be flexible enough to absorb new ideas, they are, in the aftergoal terms, infinite. I just need to find a way to transliterate the world into my intrapersonal language, which would be my quintessential spells. The motifs and ideas are born mainly from these quintessences to be chased. 

The understanding of Crests seem very important for the perception of how something can be converted into quintessences. For instance, it’s late in the night that I find my mind able to regurgitate things I’ve seen lately, a mid-state between being awaken and aware and asleep and unconscious. Regurgitation shows when the Process Wehmut has happened.

Now, of course, the martial decision of trying industrial production would bring systematic feedbacks. For instance, the amount of ideas would likely make the change of generations speed up, and returning quintessences would be more of a trouble if I’m not having time to design it patiently.

Of Behavioral Knowledge (Gatherer of Equations)

Like allegories, behavioral knowledge can be used to understand systems that we have no information about. It would be like archetypical information that is seen in repeated patterns. For instance, we can approach the study of a new culture by already knowing the recurring themes that were found in all other cultures. In a very simple example of behavioral knowledge, we can objectively guess that any cultural system is made of political, social and economical orderings.

Also, things we can’t think of, like what is it like to be inside another mind, we could use behavioral knowledge by understanding the behavior of one meeting stranger cultures. For instance, we know there would be cultural shock, knowing their tastes, their views on the world and the way they deal with sex, that can be repulsive for those not prepared for it. Our traveler of minds would have to be someone really open-minded, the same way a traveler of cultures is.

I’m going to work with behavioral knowledge through what I’ll call Equations. They are like are popular sayings and their analogical force, but these are moldless approaches, mine would be the undercurrent mold for them, instead of having it masked behind a vortex.

It’s been the motif that took the most time to be created. But then again, it was one of the most promising and refreshing concepts that’s wandered around here. It’ll be very important for the development of my cognitive skills to gather as many equations as possible.

Gathering equations for each passing pattern that I see, is one of my next missions through this year, now when my inner constitution seems done and there’s a vacant exploration slot. But as I want to keep working with the making of spells, I’d better manipulate the vertexes to make a third exploration slot, though that would very likely to increase falterings.

Of Moldless exercises

It’s not because I can’t talk about certain ideas of mine to people that I can’t refer to them. After a while, it became easier for me to get the hang of talking about my motifs and my states of mind without showing their names or showing all the theory behind.

It’s also useful as a means of variation and change the tone of text to refresh the reading. I’ve been finding it interesting the effect of changing these lens between vortexes and undercurrents. It’s a sign of a loudened skill of thinking and writing, the way this transition has become easier.

I think this idea neighbors Gusto Effect, so I can explore it more in order to start martial practices of materialized quintessences. It can also be used in chainposting and sequentiality skills when the motif is still ahead but can be shown before, also to prepare the viewer, who can charge them as the idea gets mentioned more often.

Actually, though I’ve realized it this month, it’s still hard to get the hang of it and reproduce it this month the way I just want it to be. I could have tried a martial effort, but I find there must be a limit to all this self-challenge.

Of evolution’s peak

There are things that accumulate and drain my energy as I don’t know how to resolve them. They demand wearing efforts from me as I’m to face those things every new cycle.

As I look to the world I find things that were solved for good. Some answers and resolutions and routines simply work and they don’t seem to be as tiresome. Finding pleasure in a burdened task seem to be one of the ways those things can work.

Some answers don’t need to be bestened. They are the peak of their evolution. For instance, the base structure of vehicles has been unchanging since carriages were created millenniums ago, and it’s still applied to modern cars today.

Some things like the image I use to represent my blog, and the definition as a Cabinet of Curiosities and the overall humanist mentality of the early modern history also are to me like I don’t need to worry about changing. They’ve become fluent spins.

It’s the returning idea of templates and fluency I had before, and that I haven’t visited in a long time. The idea back then was to develop skills, the same way I’m trying to use it to find a writing routine that feels solid and stable. Though I’d promise I’d explore it further, the template would at least be a safe bet.

Of time, optimized

How happy would I be if time didn’t exist. Alright, it would not bring the positive feedback that is the martial desperation to make me rush and I’d be even less productive. But still, it’s flying by way too fast. There’s just too little time for me to do everything I must do. It makes the fight against the accumulation of things so hard. I wish I had more time to do all I want… but maybe I can optimize the time I have.

One of the techniques I try the most is doing most things I can at once. Not exactly at the very same time, but when I have to wait for the next part of the first task, I can make some advances in the second task. Also I can listen to podcasts when doing the house chores, so all the time I need to listen to them is suddenly optimized (also listening to podcasts is good as the more I listen to them, the more the quintessences from the songs are reloaded. I can listen to them while I make some exercises, and when I’m walking, while I’m trying to practice some planner’s skills.

And not only time is optimized, but the tasks become satisfying themselves. It’s interesting how it’s all a state of mind. People complain at the prospect of doing certain tasks while I do them gladly. There was a time when I’d throw fake tantrums if someone ironed my clothes. It’s a matter of crossed rims of perception, and also gamification.

Also important is to note how the lack of internet has been doing me good. It’s amazing how much time can be lost in these aimless wanderings. There’s so many awesome things to find, but most of the time when I’m online I keep revisiting the same pages over and again and so I am not doing anything else. And, honestly, all the important sites I used to visit, the news I had to read, videos to watch and all things to read every week now can easily be done in one hour the most.

So what drains most of my time is still reading, though. I’m making some progress in my reading speed, but it’s taking a whole week to read a small book. But at least I’m reading a book each week. And I’ve already read more books in the first three months of this year than in the whole of the last year. That seems to be a sign I’m finding a routine that works…

Of crossed rims of perception

Along with garnets, the quintessence that was drawn closer allowed me to get a glimpse of some of the extent of these new unexplored (but promising) grounds. This is only the charging, so it’ll take a while for my mind to be able breath into a sincere diving.

Like most sylvan quintessences, this was something that I’ve experienced before, but never been really aware of them. It seems that my mind advances through these rims of perception. It broadens my horizons. To cross a rim it seems I need to learn of some garnets that will loosen my viced mind.

These crossings are not really Realizations (though it feel neighboring), but rather something in between it and mindscapes, as it usually occurs when I’m listening to a song and a mindscape. These new rims of perceptions also work with the aftergoal, as they can make me realize there’s so many new things to achieve, which refreshes my mind to try these new chances. They can be negative too, some opposite form of garnets…

Mindscape #7

There’s nothing like a good walk once in a while to reignite the mind. And it’s better at night, when there seem to be some Lazulites refreshing my mind, all while I can find newborn mindscapes and crests.

It seems to be a passive spell, the new ideas and inspirations that are born. There’s nothing like a good walk to bring hope to the mind in blackout. It’s probably the reason that when I’m off to a nightwalk I’m usually feeling distressed. And Trygve’s Songs are to follow.

It was a very interesting experience, the contrast between this harsh and chaotic song and the routinely nocturnal activities of my neighborhood. It seems that at night the lights here get strangely blinding. These songs by Thy Catafalque seem to build some pressure, as the drumming feels violent, but distant, dampened. It starts some response from my mind, as it seems to pull my mind towards another direction (if that makes any sense). Maybe it was the conflict between the chaos that was pushing me to one side while the surface reality pulled me too. They would never combine well, so this was a contrast mindscape.

This strange feeling that lights get shinier to compensate this night that seems thicker has once wandered into my dreams, which only seemed to have the crest fortified. It contains a certain kind of particle, but this doesn’t feel like I’m tasting lazulites.

Of Lazulites

The exploration of crests is probably one of most pleasant mental activities I remember doing. There’s always something new to understand about me, or to realize about the world as they help me cross rims of perception.

There’s some experiences that always feel special for me. Maybe they define a good part of what I am. They seem to contain little pieces of me in that certain tone of tasted things, the color, the smell, the sound. It’s a certain element in the composition of that experience, the way it reverberates inside me that these things so… magical.

It’s a quintessence that I don’t quite understand completely, but I’m sure it’s a very solid motif. I just have to be careful to tell if it’s not a returning quintessence, as it seems very close to what crests meant to me in the first place…

This idea of giving names of gemstones to particles in the quintessences is very promising, but I must be careful not to go around creating a thousand new forms of particles.

Of Garnets

I’ve charged before the idea about things that make me feel refreshed. It’s the pleasure to find vertices can be manipulated in original, unexpected ways, like when you listen to songs that make you go “wow, you can do/feel that with music?!”.

It’s a very important discovery, as it will help me with wisewalking. It’s a very simple spell, I find new garnets for when current quintessences wear off, new ones must be sought until these reload.

It could be the returning quintessence I’ve once called spices, and so it can also be related to vortexes as things that call my attention. And here I wonder again on how novel those things can be felt once it’s my crests and my built taste that define what I’m going to like. For instance, I’m more prone to find garnets in female beauty: these delicate faces with curious eyes, or a certain manipulation of vertices that surface a strong spirit.

Now, there’s something about the name. I’m not entirely sure whether I like it or not. Not only it seems to be tricky to be used along the lines of thought, but as I’ve read, it’s used to indicate the dark red tonality that is the most popular color of this gemstone. That doesn’t feel appropriate, dark red can be a garnet, but shouldn’t represent the entirety of the concept (maybe some name that feels white, some name resembling crystals). But as I’ve read, garnets can come in several new colors – something that can feel refreshing (an advantage over most gemstones). Maybe it isn’t that bad, but I’ll let time tell whether I’ve made a good choice for a name.

(edit: recently I’ve stumbled upon the word Zephyr)

Of Wisewalking

Neighboring Pacient Design’s quintessence (and actually born from the tasting of these new grounds), arises one of my most important ideas. As they both share this idea that is to know the steps I must take, and avoid these misleading ones. Thanks to Wisewalking, I can take some heaviness off my shoulders. Wisewalking requires a martial devotion to Vesta, though.

One of the latest goals is to keep my stamina intact. I must avoid hephaestosis, and if I don’t have the nuclear protection to fight the incoming waves, I must use Trygve to promptly use the fall for dead grinding. All in order to keep myself always on track, he minimum amount of occurrences of self-pity and victimization as possible. Sometimes I’m feeling like faltering, but I can’t fall for it, I will not give in to it. There’s not enough time for that, I have to use it martially.

It’s only lately that wisewalking has become possible, though. It’s only lately I’ve reached the self-control that is required. It’s easier to achieve the moments of inspiration now I know I must fuel it with novelties for refreshment. Also I’ve been getting better at the Spell of Resilience, which is an active spell that seem to reload my strength to afford the losses yet to come.

Of PaTient Design

Hurry is one of the evilest mindtraps, as dangerous as procrastination. The same way I should postpone my obligations, make it all in a hurry won’t be much better. A strategic approach is required.

Some results seem only achievable when it all is planned and done with patience. Some problems can’t be fought by sending a full-attack towards it. It’s clear when playing some strategy games, the way one simple mission can be messed up if I just mindlessly go into battle without any martial preparation for it.

This motif is easily applied to other things, such as control of my states of mind. It can be used to chasing of sylvan quintessences and to reach all kind of orgasms and cathartical releases. It also seems to make me more confident to perform some activity as I try to take this slower but steadier pace. It’s important for the materialization of quintessences, when trying to write songs or to draw an idea.

Of Hawthorne’s Block

There seems to be something in the process of the derailing of my thoughts that seems crucial to it all. It’s the idea that once I notice I’m thinking about things, and I think about the thought I’m having, the previous one kind of, huh, explodes.

It goes like this for the chases of sylvan ideas, too. I can’t know I’m chasing an idea. If I realize I’m about to feel the idea in my head and even name it I will understandably feel quite excited with the idea that I’m almost winning it.

It’s a lesson not to commemorate before the prize is in my hands. But the main one is that these ideas can only be achieved through a sincere diving – I can’t force ideas. It’s a very good mechanism, it’s almost secure to mermaid thoughts.

And when I make this poor action of realizing the chase, the idea just leaves. It could have become a full motif, but it goes back to a seed. I don’t know if that’s my short-term memory issues that prevent me from remembering things I’ve thought seconds before. But I don’t think so, it doesn’t always happen to lose them thoughts likes this, it seems more than natural to have this many ideas running one over another that makes it such a chaotic place, when Hephaestosis is around.

It’s required the Hephaestus’ presence that puts me in this trance that makes the thoughts flow, and make sincere divings possible.

Of closed systems

Once in a while I have the feeling that we live in something like a closed system. A feeling that there are no coincidences, but the things that happen will happen because the themes are whole: the resolution and conclusions are bound to meet the first themes.

One’s fall had its hints from the very beginning.

I find it no destiny that so-called soul mates can meet, but rather the environment that both souls inhabit that proportionate the meeting. Your soul mate would be someone who shares most crests with you. It’s by having similar experiences that proportionate the attraction.

Alright, this is mostly everything I had to charge about this new idea.

Of things yet to come

Changes aren’t commonly very welcome. There are moments when all we want is for things to remain unaltered forever. But delightful stasis isn’t something we can expect from life. Closed systems are more complex that that. Despite good or bad, these things that are yet to come have something very special to them: they bring us new elements for our identities.

Sometimes the best or worst part of the journey is yet to come, but our current perception of the world doesn’t show that, as in the current generation of our mind we can only project a future without these new elements yet to come. All stories I’ve read showed this so far, something I could notice when the reexperiencing journeys.

In the end of the journey, the whole of the journey seem to be synthesize in one quintessence only. All the vortexes and garnets and particles together, they will be no longer material, but shapeless ingredients to the our personal quintessences, so let us rejoice new spices.

Of resetting

I’ve always found luxury some form of abuse. Comfort always seemed to me like an unnatural relationship between the body and the ambient. It’s always been involuntary and unconscious that the standard path is through distress. It’s one of the earliest hints of Trygve.

It’s just the way aftergoal levels me towards new heights to reach, the way I am always stripped from pride and overall state of well-being. It might sound like it’s against the idea of being determined to maintain a steady stride, but crossing rims of perception that make me realize there’s so much more left to go is a very important trait for me. Falling is part of the needed positive feedback to reach the expected state of mind.

Of increasing intelligence

Just like they don’t tell us the importance of persistence, I find it absurd how rare it is highlighted that one mind can always reach new heights. Instead, even in academy intelligence is something that is shown to be something you either capable or not. It’s weird how it’s never shown dumb people developing their mind to a sharp and vivid smartness.

Formal education has always made me feel unworthy and inferior. It has never tried to make me truly want to develop and to do bright things. In fact, if I hadn’t been detached from it, maybe I’d still believe I would never had some of these thoughts I’m having now. Usual means of socialization made me act in a way I’m not able to be completely me, and therefore I would never understand the way I work, and I wonder how many more people are finding themselves so depressed because of this lack of freedom for thoughts.

Then again, it might just be some kind of hope for me, to expect some things might change. But sometimes I face the prospect of feeling it’s but an illusion that we can overcome all our flaws.

Of refreshing waters for thoughts

They say a creative mind doesn’t get attached to the ideas that were created, as the room is needed for new ones. I think it’s an important thing to believe, for intellectual purposes. It’s a dangerous thing, to find some experiences so sacred people won’t try to see what’s beyond them.

Quite often I see people as young as me stating how their life has been defined already, so terrifyingly closed to new opinions and views and experiences. It’s amazing how such young people can act so like they were so developed already. Being twenty-something, how can we really tell there isn’t no more defining elements yet to come?

It’s that very dangerous line of thought that seems to trap one’s mind from development. One should be able to abandon old ideas. I don’t think it must necessarily mean to despise them, but let them go (they may even return).

I don’t know why we act like this. Maybe we’re told we can only accomplish one thing, and when we do it, we think we’re done. Maybe it’s because they tell us we’re adults and as so we’re supposed to have firm assumptions about the world. Maybe the way the world works doesn’t let one calm down to his own thoughts. Either way, I don’t want this kind of mindtraps for me.

I want to develop my flexibility to keep trying new things, finding some refreshing novelties. More than that I don’t just want to prove my potential, I want to expand it.

Of Systematic Feedbacks

There’s this very simple idea, a quintessence that I’ve never been able to describe completely… until I’ve read about this idea of positive and negative feedbacks that seem to exist in the climate surrounding the greenhouse effect issues.

Now, I know the way I’m going to use the term positive and negative that doesn’t seem to be exactly the way it’s used in physics, but I’m adapting it to my existing idea. Everything has side effects that are both positive and negative.

Whenever you take action and a choice, the surroundings answer to it. Sometimes even a wise choice can bring poignant drawbacks that will make the aftergoal evergreen. Sometimes even big failures can make bring you a positive feedback.

Of Silver Vesta

Vesta shines a white light when I show courage to abandon a mistake.

After some thinking, I realized gold wasn’t really the most suitable color for her. In fact, as she is supposed to be the neutral color of reason, silver is a much wiser choice. It’d be easier to find an explanative definition for the previous one, but I already feel it was a Cracked Argument.

I guess it shows much of her the ability to admit the error and redo things instead of being obstinate not be shown wrong.

Of sensed disasters

Being mostly a dreamer, I’m haunted by the Achilles’ Hell of my species. It’s mostly natural that we live in this ethereal ponderations and have no effect in the real world outside. However, this prospect of living only silly fantasies haunts me.

I have such a passion for my dreams that I try sensing any form of disaster that might menace them. And in a way, it’s one very interesting security system, the way I worry so much about them, I protect myself so much against them, I work so hard to be safe from them, that they aren’t as dangerous as they would once be. It’s the logic of the air travel security, that is much safer simply because we’re more careful because it’s just so goddamned more dangerous.

Of course, these sensors might show drawbacks, as I can be so focused trying to protect my exposed heel that I might be too blindfolded to realize this might bring negative systematic feedbacks. Other menaces I’m not paying as much attention to can bring me down by attacking me from the unprotected side.  

Of clandestine and cryptical efforts

Mostly no one knows what I am doing. It’s but secretly that I’m working here. It wouldn’t work otherwise, as there seem to be something about the world that makes people unconsciously try to put you down. Not envy or any evil desire, that’s a mermaid thought. I think they just don’t understand it.

People usually ask me what I do in my spare time, since I always say I have things to do, and they always have look at me with a sneer when they say “what do you have to do?” like I was someone who is never using my time for things useful (just locked in your room, you’re not living your life). I can’t tell people of what I’m actually doing, I usually just say that I’m studying.

No one talks to about all these things. Whenever I tried, they always mock of it as silly philosophizing. It’s truly amazing how I’ve already spoken even to professors in the university about some ideas when trying to find my path to a master’s degree, and they had such a hard time to grasp the concepts. While it could very well be myself unable to express myself properly, it saddens me to realize how far other people are from these subjects that amaze me so much. Even if I could explore my ideas with their approval, still I would have to do things their way. It would be impossible my intellect would be used there the way I want it to, the way I need it to.

So when I find no one getting close to me, I feel a lack of interest and support, which only makes this even more personal. It builds up to a desire to protect it from others; a desire the lock my ideas by codifying them with names that must be deciphered. And this ends up being even more unreachable for others.

In a way I like making the reading awkward, the navigation through the pages an purposely use of the logistic of entries putting the first ones inopportunely backwards. I like seeing this as a protection of my child. Although it’s all here online at your disposal, it feels like a way to prevent you from touching me. Although I want to write I clearly as I can, and making it available online helps me cross rims of perception as I find myself forced to see what others would think, the pressure that writing online brings to my efforts is incredibly beneficial at the same time it’s demanding.

A part of me wants no one to know. If I see the blog getting more traffic, I start wishing for it to become unintelligible, and I want to ward off readers. It could be my way to go with the uninterest, thinking no one gets closer because I am the one who’s keeping them away, when it’s more likely because there’s just nothing to call one’s attention.

Of my legacy

In this realm I am the master. All here is mine, all my accomplishments, and also all my failures are but my responsibility (I can’t pass the blame on). But the risk and the tremors are paying off, I am starting to get comfortable here, my skills are demanding less effort from me, more rewarding too. However, I know I have more potential to unleash.

It’s a feeling I don’t think I’d ever expect to feel, to notice those idea being really important to my daily life and noticing that I haven’t read about them… I haven’t heard from someone… Holy shit, I’ve created them. These are my ideas, they are the result of my effort, my intelligence and my creativity. I’m proud of something that I’ve done on my own, and that is a clean, sincere and original dedication. This is a sign that I’m doing something worthwhile in my future… I’m doing it now.

But I shouldn’t worry about getting so developed this fast. Hell, “Unload The Overloaded” comes before “develop the underdeveloped”. I shouldn’t hurry. Indeed, I’ve been finding that keeping it in a slow but steady pace seem to be most effective. I don’t know why I’ve been so eager to try to get to my full potential this soon. Hell, several famous writers started their careers around their thirties, like Arthur Conan Doyle, Mark Twain and George Orwell. In fact, when I think about it, maybe this desperate martial sprint I’ve made from last year seems to have put me in some advantage already.

It is not a silly feeling of superiority. For god’s sake, Vesta doesn’t allow me to deny it, I deserve this feeling of satisfaction after all my effort (and if one’s to argue against, I believe they’re trespassing their own boundaries of reason), it’s as important as falling. If Vesta is to be a neutral flame, she can very well let me rejoice my accomplishments. It’s very comforting to my soul to sit back and realize that it is happening. To think my dreams are becoming real, even though through small steps… but I can’t commemorate this soon for something that has barely begun. But I’m glad to find a solid template already set.

Of being self-taught

They say once you leave the university you’ll feel like you’ve learned nothing and that it’s because it’s been a gradual process and so you don’t feel the great change you’ve been through. But so far I’ve only felt I’ve learned much more exactly the moment I left college, or when I’ve felt free from it. And I don’t feel like it has prepared me for the state I’m now, but rather the opposite. The whole time, I felt they have hindered me from actually making progress.

Honestly, I felt I’ve only started this exponential development when I had the chance to try it all by myself. It seems I’m better at learning things by myself than having teachers telling things. There’s a limit to what one can be taught. There’s a moment when whatever the subject is, it requires a passion that comes from within. A passion that, when ignited, makes learning happen through all possible paths.

I find classes to put me in a very competitive ambient, and that always drains my energy and inspiration. In fact, they always make me feel terrible, I always feel bad about myself as, even when not compared to others, I feel I can’t do my best, it’s as if my loudening would shrink back when seeing by others. My pace simply doesn’t fit to classes. Sometimes I feel like I should be charging some idea some more, but the schedule forces us all to move on just the same.

Maybe I lack discipline, but sometimes I feel I should have more time to explore something when the professor is hurrying ahead. When I read a text I usually forget most of the information when I get to the end of it, and in academic settings such a thing is unforgivable. And yet, although I feel bad for it myself, I know the way my mind absorbs knowledge has been doing me much better than those things.

It’s what I’ve been calling Dreiberg’s Deception (inspired by a fictional article written by Daniel Dreiberg that can be found in Watchmen). It’s the idea that after so much studying your passion and appreciation for the subject disappear. It’s the wearing of the quintessence. It’s the tastelessness that comes from when you’re overchewing something for way too long. And for me there’s no need to separate taste from dedicated study. I don’t think we should stratify activities.

Honestly I think there’s a moment when one must think their own thoughts and explore the potential of the earned freedom. Of course, it requires some discipline for so, not to mention the strength to try new chances after the failures.

Thinking of it now, being self-taught has never been something with a very clear definition. After all, what is it to be self-taught? Reading about the subject and learning about it without a mentor (then again, isn’t the author of the text you’re reading somehow teaching you?), or simply going through it just with your instincts? I like me both, and there’s an incredible feeling to discovering things all by yourself. In short, the pleasure and the pride of using no walkthroughs. But there’s the clear drawback that the rims of perception that need to be crossed take more time when done alone. Any skill being self-taught takes more time. I feel that if I had the whole time in the world, I’d always go for it. Unfortunately not even an optimized usage of time can grant me that.

However, a part of me always still believes in the academical learning. Though I honestly don’t believe I could miss it somehow, as doing it myself isn’t an escape from obligations to exigencies (rather contrary it seems), that part of me keeps making me feel unfulfilled. I find it an unnecessary source of distress, the feeling that I need to be in that intellectual ambient to feel my intelligence is really being put to good use, so I’ll make some effort to make a really decision and settle for a very sounding refusal.

Of Vesta’s Voice

During all this time I’ve been nurturing Áine’s power, her sensibility and the benefits such method would grant me. I haven’t met the stagnation of the method usually found in a system not evolved enough to sustain itself, but I’ve come to find that listening only to my emotions might not be entirely wise.

It turns out Vesta’s voice has been mute or powerless for a long time, and she’very important for keeping steadiness. She’s the serenity of rationality. I can’t go desperate over any issue as my emotions sometimes are to convince me.

But as the quintessential rule and the concept of spells go, sheer words and logical statements aren’t enough to make things change inside me. But so far I’ve been trying to go around it by simply repeating things to myself, in a way I could control my emotional responses.

Vesta is supposed to be dominant in my writings, as I end up trying thinking things better when writing things down, which is probably the reason why it injects some pleasure in me, as I try to get more rational and calm down some of the harsher quintessences (as to when Trygve can’t deal with no more).

Of Martial Reinforcement

I was once marveled at how I’ve managed to speed up the development of my drawing skills back some months ago. I’ve redirected all my attention towards it for one week or so, and I felt the results were amazing, considering the time it took. For some reason, I didn’t start trying it out with everything. Maybe it would be too demanding.

But now I’m feeling there are several things that seem that could be resolved if only I dedicated myself a little more to them, like writing skills. Yet for some reason I don’t. Martial Reinforcement is the name of that engaging effort, and the answer to this problem.

If I can do it well, I’ll be trying several martial exercises, in an increasing way. Hopefully, if done with consistence, that would make it become a natural effort. 

Of fallen’s strength

I’m determined not to let my stride come to a wilt. I will try as much as I can not to stay numb and paralyzed with the feeling of meaninglessness and emptiness that come to haunt me at times. But it feels to me this perplexity is one of the most important ingredients for the creative process. As barbarian as this may sound, peace doesn’t seem to lead man nowhere. It seems that failures are very beneficial to one’s development.

But the feeling of failure to invade one’s soul must not be discouraging, but rather the opposite. It must be one that can let Trygve process right into Dead Grinding. It must be one that can fuel our strength to take the new chances that are given to us.

Of accidental spells

Since some months ago when I first thought about the idea of spells, I’ve had it developed some more (but not that much considering I didn’t dedicate myself truly to it). Basically, I’ve come to understand it as some form of control of my emotions, or control over my quintessences. They are to be used to reignite some states of mind that I feel are important.

With that said, spells can work in two ways: first, the one initially proposed, what I call active spells. They are the emotions that control emotions. It’s done focused on something I don’t want to feel by using other emotions to overthrow them (as long as it’s not done to escape pain through unguilt). The second one are the passive spells, which also seem to be a phony spell, since the emotion I want to get rid of is eliminated by exterior means. For instance, getting rid of pain by listening to heavy songs would be considered a passive spell. But since I’m always getting some form of contact with the exterior world, be it colors, sounds or scents, mindscapes that change the quintessences inside me, it seems they can’t be considered illegal spells. The only problem is that I that I can’t let my senses let the exterior have as much influence over me, which is a problem since all this time I’ve been trying to develop my sensibility.

At the beginning of this month I felt incredibly protected against some menacing waves. Some tall, tidal waves. Something that I believe would so bring me down and devastate me just didn’t, because of this critically, nuclearly accidental spell that made me strong like I don’t usually remember being. It’s only a matter of understanding how this phenomenon works so I can try to have it done under my own control, not something that would happen accidentally.

Of the loss one can afford

Points of no-return seem to be a constant belief in my mind. Unconsciously it happens, the felt thought that there are some things that can’t actually happen, they should not. It’s a strong belief that to some extent my mind will unconsciously try not to believe the world could push some vertices that far. For instance, it’s hard for my mind to believe how far one can feel pain, and endure to it… sometimes I end up having the unconscious thought that it can’t possibly ever be this constant. One will lose consciousness, or get used to it. It can’t be possible that some things could happen.

And yet, as they happen, somehow, when the mind is prepared, the loss can be affordable. Things aren’t over when we lose money, nor material things. It is not the end of the world. Good things come to an end, the youth, the beauty, the health, the affections are gone. Departures occur and we are again separated. You can screw it up and, you know… misconnect. And yet, even when hope seems done, even if you’ve been through hell, even if you feel handicapped, you realize you’re still alive. I can feel it to be a disturbing thought sometimes, the way there aren’t endings: the limits are unbounded and one can fall even further. But it can also extend to happiness, which can always be regained.

That is a ground to explore, the way hope is that little and apparently fragile line that makes us believing. And when that line is cut apart, the world seems to shatter, but a prepared mind seems to support it. But to consider hope a mindtrap is fast conclusioning, a more dangerous mindtrap. Hope is clearly beneficial in certain scenarios, it’s what makes us still fight even when one branch of hope seems destroyed. But sometimes it seems I’m better off without it. There are situations in which a very clear and sounding no or yes is much better than a perhaps, or a not promised someday. 

Of falterings and decreasings

There’s really something about self-challenging that moves me. It’d not be hard to find me trying to accomplish something and then adding new rules to make it harder and harder. It happens when I’m trying to write down every little piece of realization (wherever I am at the moment), or when I start creating a very methodical way of manufacturing texts, and writing them in English, and challenging myself to bring new thoughts every new month, more or less each one for each day. And now this damned chaining and these little updates when I add something to tumblr or deviantart that isn’t something that isn’t necessary in any way.

And this feeling of challenge is already unconscious. Sometimes I suddenly find myself trying to type things copied from a written text, while lipsinging to a song; different words and a different rhythm. The harder it is, the better I like it. I go as far as trying to type with one word while I air riff with another one while doing it all. It’s all for this nirvanic trance.

But even though I try having all these things done in all minor details to perfection, like noting down in my agenda all the money I spend or having things perfectly ordered in my room, it’s not unusual to find me failing. After all, what’s the point of doing it all this way when it’s a never-ending accumulation and soon these piles of things to do will be towering up again? It comes to a moment when it’s all so demanding, when I try to have energy for it all, that all I want is to sleep. And sometimes I’m so tired that I just sleep very, very early some days, and all my projects and minutely missions are gone.

People around me notice some of these efforts of mine, and it’s usual of them to say that soon I’ll no longer care to do those things. They don’t believe being hard-working is a legitimate trait of mine, just a passing fancy. They say I’ll become uncaring and more relaxed like them. Soon I’ll no longer be helping others, like them.

But so far it’s working, way longer than foreseen by them. Though I can falter one or two times with something or some days with other, though I fail with Áine for weeks before realizing it, or decrease my vigilance over mindtraps for months after the generation when it was conceived is past, and when I’m beginning to get used to the feeling that, eh, I’m not really good at writing, and when I find that I’m really on the edge of giving up of even one of these minor missions and almost being convinced that the major ones are being abandoned as well, suddenly I find myself being strong again to go on. Suddenly I’m strong to keep trying these new chances. Suddenly I’m strong to help others again, and strong to wash all the clothes I’ve let accumulate, to regain control over my finances, to engage with novelties that enchant my mind.

But I wonder if this isn’t dangerous… maybe demanding a little less from me would be good, and I’d have more free time.

Of new chances

Here I am again. Despite all my failures, I’m still here. It’s opportune to wonder why am I still trying when I’ve proved it once and again how writing is a skill I’m not really good at. When I have the courage to read my previous texts, my previous attempts, I find in them a mess of undeveloped thoughts and unfinished sequences and gross grammar mistakes. Why do I keep trying?

Maybe it’s hope. Or faith. New chances bring me the opportunity to try to achieve the results I see in my head. Despite failing, it still works in my head, and although foolish, it gives me strength to test these new attempts to materialize the quintessences in my head. Though I fail here, my thoughts still prosper. It’s my aim, to find in my texts something that can be compared to how it works in my mind. Maybe it’s not as pale as it was one year ago since I’ve got so many new ideas to help me control it all. I’m witnessing more frequent spins, but I’m far from something I’d be comfortable with.

The novelties and refreshing things always make me willing to try again, they give me new strength, and they summon that red enthusiasm. It might be a fiery clash between Vesta and Hephaestus, but it’s really important for me to have his foolish ambitions, ignoring all the signs that I should have stopped a long way ago. I bet I’ve been pathetic and ridiculous before, but even though it hurts to think so, I’m still here. It’s become an activity I feel good about doing, so I end up forgetting about it (though awkwardly realizing it afterwards). It’s surprising to find how beneficial this kind of stupid strength works.

Checkpoint #11

February makes it look like a tradition. One I don't want to keep. I can't say I really feel sorry for not including Vesta as it'd be much wiser to let my thoughts on her charge some more. She's the one that truly needs it. After all, it's really embarrassing to write about things at the same time my writing doesn't show them. Also, I kind of feel glad how I managed to compose Trygve's and Zhu Rong's phrases. Trygve's Trial was a last minute conception and it made it all into place, something I've been struggling to do throughout the whole month.

Now I can say there were discoveries of the month, but they were all there with Vesta. She gathers my attempt to write about some thoughts I've been brewing in my mind in the last months. It's interesting, though, how the way I name things have changed. Not really pleased as they're not easy to handle around as before, but at least they were named alright. It seems that as time passes by, it gets much harder to tame a quintessence...

Interesting, I'm not really as bothered as I thought I would be. It seems my writing sessions for Trygve lighted me up. Maybe it's because I got it out of the way, even though I wish I was done with the whole Fire Ensemble for once and work on new things, or have my mind finally free. But eh, it's done, I failed. Procrastinator has won, but I'm going to persist, and I've got some ideas to fight him, and it's the chance to try it. This defeat is only going to make the victory even more delicious.