Of a deadly deadline

Unfortunately this deadline I created for myself, trying to develop myself all I could until I become 25 has created a terrible expectancy for it. Becoming 24 now in late November was already heavy enough and one of the biggest reasons for it being such a terrible struggle. I can’t even imagine how heavy it will be when becoming 25.

I need to do something about it.

I need to decrease the expectation, and I have one whole year for it. I don’t know how to kill it, so probably the best bet is to get myself more time: I’ll extend it to 30, so I will have five more years to do something about it. Plus I’ll add five years to development, which I think can bring me a relief considering I am not thaaat behind the line (or am I?).

Sometimes I think I actually am behind for my age, though I can never tell. This is dangerous and I have to be more careful with this whole ordeal.  This feeling of evaluating my age is a scourging one, and I have to find a way to vanquish it.

Of quaintified peace

All psychological events have this certain formula to them. It might be a little dangerous to add this mechanicist approach to something like the human mind, but I haven’t stumbled upon its terrible dangers yet. And I know these quaint moments are created somehow, and I think it’s important to see the path towards them. After all, trances also seem random, but I’ve got some advance in knowing where they come from.

And although quaint moments can be harmful as they are close to distancing meaninglessness, it’s not something inherently perilous. As though it has these negative feedbacks, there is also some positive ones. And one of those is how peace can be achieved through it.

Why am I sad? Why am I suffering because of people?

Apparently negative feelings are in the range of quaint realizations too, and I hope it can very well be used to null out these sigma storms. This is another pattern I have to examine from scratch, and I am afraid I won’t have this Vestal technique ready for the next sigma storm…

Of Vesta’s Psalms

I won’t feed this bitterness. I won’t let it run through me. All I ever wanted is to belong, to be part of something, to be accepted. Even if I already know that “in the search for some grail of mine, it was always here… inside”, I can’t jump to the conclusion of the journey already. Or can I?

Although I can’t quite control my emotions this way, I can try forcing myself to create or maintain certain emotions, just by repeating them to myself. I’ll call Psalms these attempts of trying to summon reason to protect myself against the virulent swarm of poisonous emotions.

These are like thoughts that I need to create an emotional stability, since spells are highly ineffective.  They are basically Vesta’s attempt to overcome my emotions, and they are like axioms but used for more specific situations, mainly for me to fix on reason instead of emotional basis. It’s like personal prayer for my goddess of reason, indeed. So I need to repeat them in order to make the words to calm me down.

The big problem I have is that there are several little things that I do that are harmful to me and I couldn’t create even a sieging through threat to stop doing them, so I keep doing them quite unconsciously, pretty much a vice that happens before I am even aware of them. And that’s how Psalms aren’t really effective against them, for I have to feel them. Damn, sometimes I hate being so dependent on my intuition.

Anyway, I know of some lessons I need to keep reinforcing. I need more humility, in the sense of accepting the situation as it is, and stop expecting so much and being so worried everything will go wrong in my life. I don’t think wanting to have just a few more friends standing close is an outrageous request, but I won’t feed this bitterness. I don’t want to be known and remembered by this, so Psalms are really going to be personal and secret practices.

Of threats and motivated sieging

Obstinacy is an intriguingly unstable characteristic of mine. That is, there are things I simply can’t bother doing, things I don’t pay attention to, but that I surely should. At the same time, there are other things in which I work on as if my life depended on it. It’s strange the ways of sieging and things that trigger it.

As I once said before, mistakes are a very easy way to start a process of siege. Of course, sometimes mistakes make me feel hopeless, but even still, if I find any beacon of hope I am there with the sieging going full-throttle, because the memory lingers in my mind every time I’m around the subject.

It seems to be this the way I can focus on something. I feel it’s only through it I can get what I want, it’s a goddamn threat, and if I don’t do it then I feel guilty. And the weird thing is that I will expect acceptance because of this sieging on, say, developing my artistic skills rather than social ones. It’s pretty stupid, but that’s how it goes.

There’s another detail here that’s important to highlight that is how I can somewhat try to start this sieging for useful behaviors. For instance, correcting my eating habits. I’ve always had sieging for things that could be dangerous to me, but the discipline the sieging can help my health.

But I think…that’s a dangerous way to feel motivated, apparently. It’s good for some labors, but it feels my mind with those slight traumas. In fact, it’s pretty much lack of responsibility, as I can’t really be really active and dedicate myself to anything this hard if I am not under this threat. It doesn’t allow me acceptance of my mistakes.

I have to find a way to do things with a clear mind and soul.

Of hidden energy (from fears fulfilled)

Everything happens in this closed system of themes.

Perhaps I have no choice but to be lonely. I can never give the best of myself when there are others to help me out. Maybe that’s what dampens my soul, because for someone who is always in hiding and showing so much vulnerability, it’s strange that I can be so persistent and in the greatest moments of need I can grow so strong all of a sudden. But for that to happen apparently I have to be abandoned.

When everything is gone I have these moments of complete abandonment when a union happens between Trygve and Hephaestus. When I feel I’ve reached bottom I usually get this strange energy (the allegorical quintessence makes me think of the mighty “avatar state”). Somehow, instead of the usual despair, the mechanisms of my mind make me see a challenge standing clear, like a disappearing mist of the clearing dawn. It’s a feeling of excitement.

Here is something I could consider to be a worldly lesson, as it reminds me of something J.K. Rowling once said about how shitty her life was before her sudden fame and fortune: "I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive. (...) And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life".

This is the ordering droplet I’ve been in need of. I was really scared of going back to the world. I was afraid of being strong, of the responsibility this exposure meant. I can’t say I am in my greatest shape now, but I’m feeling nice for what I already have. Even Zhu Rong, who seemed dead as he went pale and still for a long time, got rescued and is in the process of healing. He will want his revenge.

Of Trygve’s Alpha-sieging

Invisible. I feel fucking invisible. I can understand when I ask people for help and none will come, but I can’t understand those who are feeling lonely, those who ask for company, those who ask for suggestions, and mine are ignored. I’m tired of working on arguments, and being a nice person myself when there’s no use for it. I’m tired of people who make me feel like I am trying to befriend an inaccessible starlet – and it’s more than a handful of them: fuck you. But you know what, it doesn’t affect me this much now, because Trygve is back.

No matter how much I can doubt my choice in using this feeling, Trygve always convinces me again of his power whenever there is a comeback. And here it goes one of the ways through which I feel Trygve, the way I don’t really feel deeply affected by weakening events. There’s some bitterness yes, but it doesn’t make me lose hope and motivation to do what I need to do.

This flame is indeed vital for me as in these past months it was as if I had no shield whatsoever to protect me, and so everything would hurt me so deeply. All that can cause me so much pain and discomfort can go straight through me without making me falter, it’s amazing.

It’s all a matter of having such a fortified motivation that I feel so incredibly shielded against all these blows, and so I can feel my stamina stay intact. But I’ll try to be careful not to invest really negative emotions in this. No, I won’t feed this bitterness.

Of Spy Crests

There are some pedagogic wonderings I always had in mind, revolving around my concern of increasing the statistics of learning speed and quality. I wonder of how some experiences can create adherence and others create aversion, so we’ll stick to them or want to escape or be distanced from it for the rest of our lives.

It isn’t a simple factor that creates repulse instead of attraction. It isn’t simply a matter of something being harmful. I’ve had some bad experiences that twistingly became influential to my tastes. In a way or another, all experiences become crests, and even pain and sorrow can unexpectedly be sort of appealing if something goes wrong. At the same time there are daily events that instead of making me get used to it and having them part of my life, being constantly in touch with them makes me weary and wearier These experiences have absolutely no adherence to them, no matter how much I’ve experienced them in my life.

My hypothesis is that I can’t attach to things that are mine. Sometimes I feel that I just want to be far from all that represents me, as saltless as it feels to me. This is just how present and influential the Outsider Complex is to me. One little short visit to another city creates stronger wehmut responses than the usual wehmut created by repetition of my routines. Everything that resembles the life and routine of others apparently is much more enticing and it’s much more appealing to me than most of my personal experiences.

I think I will them Spy Crests, because they can be treacherous. I just realized they were the most enjoyable crests before I had this realization, now I feel a little dizzy to think about it. I think it has to do with quartzes and diamonds, as the new and impacting experiences influence the wehmut process, but this isn’t just that. I can’t admit that the thought of imagining outside my life for the mere fact it is not my life. Simply imagining my routine being lived by someone else makes it so much more tasteful.

Apparently makes the mindscapes and crests become get this adherent. Not all of them go like that, and I can sort of track down a mindscape when it has this spy crest to it, so I can ignore it. No, I need to change that, I don’t want to feel connected to other people after what I’ve been through. I can’t let that kind of dependence interfere in my enjoyment of life. But at the same time, suddenly the tastes of my life have gone stale again, but on the other hand it’s as if what I was making me happy was… a lie? Gee, now this is really complicated…

Of daily charging (spellwork)

Although feeling generally better and slightly stronger, I’ve noticed I still need some sort of warm up to get ready for the fight. It’s like I reached a moment when I need to constantly recharge my batteries for facing the world.

This daily charging seems to occur with little pieces of nice feelings that, in a zephyrous fashion, make the air feel fresher. It’s those little mindscapes that happen here and there and slowly I feel more confident.

There’s something about spells in here, as the mindscape creates this instantaneous patch that feels like heal. Usually some nice olivines can do the trick, acting like healing herbs. And so these little spells recharge me.

But spells use crests, not powerful or lasting. And it worries me that recharging is much more expensive than the consumption, which is how it usually goes in the omega condition. However, this is a year I’ll do my best to hold omega-sigma situations away because I don’t want my time wasted with negativity.

Of new year, of new rules

Strange the way things can change all of a sudden. All this work I’ve been doing here suddenly felt awkward, as if it was wrong to keep doing this the same way I’ve been doing it all this time. I just realized writing as much as I can isn’t really unloading my mind, plus all this amount of thoughts all at once looks discouraging to read, even for myself. Not to mention the thought of doing the same thing repeatedly through years sounds nauseating to me.

So, suddenly as the new year has started, doing it as I used to do isn’t going to work. I have to do something to revitalize the place. I’m a little worried about my ideas, as they seem to be revolving around the same objects over and over. I want to change the atmosphere here, maybe make things lighter.

First thing, I feel I am losing track of my ideas, I’m getting dreiberged here. Because of that, I’ll need to write texts mostly about them so I will have my eye on them. I’m quite unhappy with the way I’ve been naming ideas and how I’ve been choosing them, so I need more time to see how I will deal with the themes. If they are going to be the same thing, I’ll have to organize the thing. Maybe I can focus a month for a theme, like a month for psychology, another month for history, but that needs some planning and research, so I don’t want to jump around like this.

While that isn’t defined, I’ll start trying find some use for all those I’ve had already. It’s as if I’ve become obsessed with collecting ideas, and I think I’m missing their whole point. So the first rule I have is about bringing all these little thoughts together. A lot of cog studies scattered around, they are. I’m calling this the Eva Unit Rule. I want to get all those little ideas to make one big engine from them. It’s as if I’ve been thinking about them in isolated terms, and now I need to set them up together forming bigger mechanical constructions with those cogs and pieces of machinery. Also as I create these Eva Units, I’ll also try to mend missing parts. By the end of the year, let’s see how many Eva Units I can have (or if I’ll even carry this idea out).

One second thing I need to change, like right now: being less like a teen’s blog complaining about life. For this, the Volstead Rule. I want to dry this place of all the mourning and sorrow. Opening my heart in texts has helped me, but I want things to feel more sober in here. Too much emotional investment is going to let me scarred and I don’t want to take the risk. And this way I will also force my troubles to be externalized in more elegant manners, like making fiction and art out of them. Of course, there will be some of these still, I won’t make it that strict of a prohibition act, but their numbers will dwindle for sure.

Also, I’ll try to develop my writing now. So far I’ve noticed my writing skills, specially in English, increase when I do some reading sessions before writing. It puts me in the mood for dealing with words, and it inspires me and sometimes I get myself contaminated with the style. I can come with new expressions other than the usual template expressions I have in here which is making me sick. To force myself to enhance my writing skills and try to craft texts with more quality than quantity, I’ll call these procedures part of the Globe Rule.

And another very important rule is what I’m calling the Aegis Rule. It’s about how careful I have to be with the outsider complex. It makes crests feel more engaging when it’s related to imagining others’ lives, but it’s dangerous and I feel like it tears me in half as something wants to flee from me. I need to work on that, because it’s when I seem to feel whole and when I am exactly where I want to be is when I enter the trances.

As I lost so much time in the last few months, I want to make good use of it. At least I want to do something against procrastination and the internet. I’m calling this the Tardis Rule. So it will help me with this deadly deadline ahead and I need to hurry (though maybe I should fix the configurations of the deadline already). I want to be more effective in my usage of time. I can do so much when using, say, 30% of my time, so I wonder what I could achieve with getting close to 80% at least.

And this year I need to focus on my drawing skills, because it’s decided I want to work with it as a profession. So as I work with all aspects of developing techniques and skills related to this task, I’ll have a rule to reinforce this decision. This will be the Vitruvian Rule. This is the decision that drawing is the major skill that I want to be an expert at, and I want my mental power to help it in all aspects. This is the law that brings this skill above all else.

And there’s the Incendio Rule. This year I need to develop my stringed story complete. At the end of the year I need to have their places set and have at least some early sketch of the design of all characters. I’ll spend the first semester focusing on research and exercises, and towards the second half of the year I’ll try to go for the actual drawings. Also, at the end of the year I’ll have to have a name for this story, or a name for the world so I can at least talk about it directly (I won’t go for any petty name). Hopefully by the deadline I’ll have one nice addition to my portfolio if I follow the Incendio Vitruvian Combo.

And that wraps up my main concerns about this year. With more time I’ll be able to define what sort of rule is coming for my themes. I could have tried to impel some rule for it now, but the important things usually need more time brewing. And for the rest, the Eva Unit, Volstead, Globe, Aegis, Tardis, Vitruvian and Incendio, that’s what I guess what I need to fix some of my most deceiving behaviors. Let’s see if need will bring new ones and see how inaccurate I was in setting up a defense.

Checkpoint #21

December was a month that was hard to describe. I had too many ups and downs. You had me wounded and confused and without perspective, but I’ve settled to pay the debts and there you have me recovering life. And there you have me taking another blow. And when I am starting to feel comfortably numb and about to taste the chance of refreshment life finds a way for me to go through hell again.

It’s been three months I’ve been surviving through this (with some gamma situations of course, but overall it’s an omega condition). It actually roots back from June and I could repress it but in mid-October it just became unbearable. It’s been terrible, there’s hardly any day I am not going to at least 5 in omega-sigma. I am just getting tired. I've been in despair and it seems there are so many doors closing. I have had every part of my life extremely bombarded. So all those things that called me back home, things I would take for granted, like my health and my family, it’s all damaged too, in a way I have no idea if there's a fix to bring all those issues back to normality. Life is definitely playing a joke on me. Why is it all at the same time? Give me some time to breath, at least. There’s hardly any place I can go without being reminded of how shitty my life is, specially compared to last year. I am feeling like I have taken a step back in my life. I’ve had several of these… a friend of mine calls them “plan b thoughts”, and it's nice because I don’t like its official word. I am not allowing myself to be optimistic about life, I can tell you that.

I had plans for this blog, but they didn’t work out. Hey, the mere fact I was able to keep posting texts sounds herculean enough to me. Also related, I’ve been thinking, I was expecting a recovery so I could do another grand release, but I feel I am completely unable to do something like I did in may and august. I’ve written fifty texts this month and I just realized it’s half of what I had in August. I no longer think it’s because of the restraint in September, but these other events started around in this very moment are still keeping me chained down.

At first it doesn't seem like there was anything relevant to get the discovery of the month trophy. The Well of Abscission is important as I am no longer ignoring these problems, they're all there now. They're making me bleed, but something about having a word for this problem has eased the despair a little bit now. I think I enjoyed seeing the thalassic thoughts from November adapting so well into the brethren of ideas (even if it's is one of those meta subjects, getting a defined name for the undefined). But maybe the Geometric Modeling is my prize, because it’s really giving me great ideas. Also I am starting to have musical quintessences more defined. So despite all this destruction I’ve been through, the year has ended with first sprouts of musical and visual creation. Original creation. It's even working when I try to draw these ideas, I think it would even need more training. It’s something I always wanted and it is already happening one year before my deadline, so it should really make me encouraged, but I’m mostly finding myself so broken and weak.

The year is done. I had twelve thrills of a new chance, twelve calls for a fight, twelve months made of peaks and falls, and the end of the year brought one very solid struggle. As a whole generation this year can be turned into one nice story between flames and scourgers (they have barely survived, and their world is pretty much devastated). There are 20 axioms, 34 gems,  20 scourgers and 25 worldly lessons. There sure is a lot, and it's interesting to think in december last year I just had the five flames. I had the quintessence but it wasn't nowhere close to what it's now, and crests didn't even have that name yet. I've learned a lot and now this great year of 2012 came to an end by trying all it could to bring me down, so even if there wasn’t the crown that was this trimester plan, I actually survived through one great test, which should mean a lot. Absolutely nothing can make me falter when I am so obstinated, even if my own motivations became this weak. I should be proud of being through it despite my condition. I have even been more careful with the needlework, so it's a nuclear victory, but I don’t feel any merit to it, though. I am victorious, but there's no coronation or celebration. I am standing, but terribly wounded and I am about to fall, all alone. From now I just want something that could make me stop feeling so ugly and small.

And now 2013 is coming. I have no idea what to do. I don’t know what new ideas I can still have. I barely know how I will keep making through it or what to do with my life. I think what I need to do is what I couldn’t do in these last three months. I want it condensed and organized. Everything tagged and accessible. I want my graphs and charts (I want to make a full-time record of greek coordinates). Maybe even change the dynamics of this blog again just to refresh it all. Actually, if I just find peace, hope and motivation (like the one I used to have in the first semester) I’ll be happy enough. 

Maybe the first thing to do is to deal with my health: I need to know if I am to be diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Hyperthyroidism. And I need to organize my eating schedule and start giving my body the healthy conditions it needs. So I will start doing physical exercises and all this sort of things. This is not a new year's resolution. This is something I need to do. It's not even a choice. And I will have to take a break from this blog if it really gets in the way of my health.