Of neurotic exigencies

I haven’t always been this constantly threatened by scorching beings. Being haunted by those dark feelings is a very recent happening in my life. Maybe it’s because it’s natural I feel more pressure as time goes on (and Zhàn Empire is each time a quarter closer) or I’m only paying attention to those feelings nowadays, or then I’m really feeding the black wolf. The fact is, I’ve done something wrong and now I’m really doing something that is damaging me from inside out.

Pain seems to come from having our expectations, dreams and hopes in discord with reality. The more we try to fit in molds and shapes we don’t belong to, the more it hurts us. I am starting to realize this is the toll ambition and perfectionism brings to the soul, and the reason it’s so frequently showing people going paranoid and sick because of it.

My guess on why these scourgers are so hostile to these flames is because maintaining them brings me a great deal of disharmony. Could it be they’re not natural forces, but rather, as I once called them, some sort of “slave skills”, for which I have to pay a price to use?

Anyway, sometimes I wonder that scourgers just want to bring balance again, as my flames would really be the intruders. Sponsoring them is wearing me out, and I really think that this could bring me some heavy neurosis.

But why would I keep them in here? To prove THEY ARE WRONG. To prove I’m worthy. To prove I deserve to be loved. To prove I deserve to belong and to be part of this world and not only a mere observant.

Thing is, if I ever need to keep feeling this world to prove myself I won’t last, I’ll be broken inside and hurt just by being alive. I don’t want life to be painful and stressing, so maybe I just need to learn the flow. I need to be more adaptable and blend with the tide and use the refluxes to my advantage…

Of a world to call my own

I think I can sit down and say “I did it”.

It’s a major accomplishment for me, to realize I’ve already got my own land to play with and lay out my ideas. Since I was I kid I’ve always wondered how I could create any original scenario since all settings seemed covered already, from medieval to space and jurassic and alternate realities and everything. And without completely realizing I’m pretty much with a cool concept in my hand, as the development and construction will apparently go on forever.

So it’s basically a medieval setting, because somehow that feels more universal for the human experience than any place with advanced technology (futuristic scenarios deal with other issues?). But unlike it being the real world (or a world hidden in our own, like the Harry Potter universe) or a ripoff from middle-earth, my world is made of me. And it even isn’t actually unique by itself, as all creators of worlds made them from what they were inside – it’s the natural stringing. I like these things I have for being a nice place to essay some ideas, like some thoughts on culture I have (though I admit that’s a tolkienian inspiration) and even understand a little better how to build metaphors and allegories.

And apart from the actual flame vs scourger skirmishes I can use it for any other stories in this place too, as I could have a more realistic version of the world with real possibilities of minor stories. As I once said it, this is a hub where I can actually store all my creations. Absolutely everything can be a part of this world, even if it requires a little push. See, even spaceships can be actual blueprints and sketches by Hephaestus.

As a final note… yeah, I remember this world needs a name, and I’m slowly crafting it, but this, most of all, absolutely can’t be rushed.

Of Nuclear Challenge

This story is no ordinary one. I’m placing my bets on the fact that I’m going to tell a story that doesn’t work like most. I mean, the way I am assembling the elements makes it much more complicated for me as I am creating the components first and I need to have a way to connect them, to string them. Plus I am with my own story, my own ongoing life story to tell, so it’s not unfolding like any other story. I don’t even know how my life is going to end. Success or suicide? I don’t know.

That is what I could call a Nuclear Challenge, in the fashion of nuclear victory and defeat. I could do a simple story, but that would not have anything attractive about it.

And I know very well how this current state is pretty insipid, but I’m not going to give up of it because of that. I know it has a lot of potential, so I need to invest my time with it. By any point of view, I am learning a lot with this, so this is, foremost, my most important exercise for storytelling.

Of Q. guidance

I know I treat every idea of mine like a dear child. To which one I tell they are the most special thing in the world, but I mean it when I say the Q. Rule is one of my most precious tools I have here. The way it guides my creative endeavours is remarkably effective. With it I know when I mean an idea coming from inside and not external sparkles of inspiration that come when I see a nice word or image, and that must not be trusted because they’re just ideas made of fleeting inspirational lust.

When I’m daydreaming about, the Q. Rule is the system of wires and circuits that lights up the sign that tells me that, hey, there’s a text for my blog. And it quite helps in making some creations more solid and resistant to cracks. But there’s another very important aspect of this internal release that needs more thought.

The idea of Q. Rope I’ve been talking about some time ago seems really pertinent, and not really a returning quintessence. Its concept revolves around the fact that even if I have this emotional content (that is the quintessence) that makes ideas and creations solid, I can’t rush too fast in the process of translation, transformation and transference of the quintessence. It is a needed measure so the pressure over the structure can be tested before adding more weight to it.

This is the reason why this string story is going at such a low-paced development. Sometimes I feel I ought to make this world more complete soon, but rushing not only makes me feel like burning out my interest and commitment to it, as it also makes me feel like betraying the agreement of the Q. Rule and the rope is here for me to try always steady places as I tread boggy uncharted concepts.

Ignoring this and going around without this eventually leads me to dead-end and awkward situations. The more I do that, the more I’ll have to come back and fix something and erase some idea and I don’t like how that feels. I really prefer the slow building than bothering with the risk of dealing with crumbled rubbles.

Of Tankobon Rule

I could have never guessed I would reach this day having as many texts and ideas to deal with as I, in a matter of fact, have. It’s even weird to think I was producing so many ideas I might now lose track of them, and that some of these belong to a certain theme that is gathering enough mass to become something like a planet of itself.

                      

This is part of the Eva Engines program, which is to make each of these big complex of ideas to have its parts revised, rearranged and repaired. And now I’m at least trying to focus on organizing my thoughts, I think I’d better start taking care of each group of major creations separately, so I’ll handle it more efficiently.

And as for now I’m going to divide my themes into three of them and talk about each of them each month, something like I have already done in last July. This will be called the Tankobon Rule, meaning this thematic release. I know tankobon actually refers to an independent publication like a graphic novel, and it hardly is like that in here, but I’m choosing it because it stuck in my head, and also because it could represent a release closed in itself, an ark with its own resolution.

Anyway, as it accidentally came to be, the first one is when I will talk about crests, gems, quintessences and mindscapes and sensors. Overall it’s about the sort of psychological themes and introspective incursions, and how I can fuel my creativity through it, mostly regurgitation process, allegorical strings and gem/crest travels.

The second one is for me to focus on the stringed story, and trying to apply the creativity so it won’t be so theoretical. It’s where I will try practicing storytelling but also other forms of construction, creation and composition. Also, it’s going to be about how to handle some emotions that are eventually personified, so this is the time when the Volstead Rule isn’t as strict.

The third month is for, huh, pretty much the rest of ideas. It’s more general, and more like a normal release I’ve been doing to this day. In the concept of Eva Engines this is more of these small pieces and small studies without enough mass to become an engine on its own. And that would be a very good use of these months, trying to see which engine it could be attached to. At first I’m planning to understand the equations and behavioral knowledge and it’s when I can try to work with other topics like history and some “what’s going on” texts.

And with three themes, it’s going to take two months for me to return to each category, so it will work not only as seasoning but also sieving. That is, it will be good for some brilliantly stupid ideas to be avoided in time, and also the Volstead Rule as these heart-opening moments won’t feel relevant two months after it (they go over expiration date in an instant).

The problem I’m first facing is about the selection of texts. It’s easier said than done, and sometimes I don’t know if this text involving crests and stories. It turns out my texts definitely can’t be perfectly separated like that, so it’s ok to me if the selection doesn’t go really pure, specially in early attempts.

With the dynamics like this it really won’t be as in-the-spur-of-the-moment like it has been so far and I valued so much. It won’t be things I thought this month, but it will be the seasoning through months. Also important is how I’m going to force myself to have trances for the theme at hand. This is also nice for the organization of thoughts, as I won’t have as many themes to juggle with at the same time. I have hopes I’ll really benefit from this!

Checkpoint #23

February was normal. But also special. And still with some stings. I can't think of something really characteristic of it, but I enjoyed it. Yes, I quite did. Some new things changed and this alpha condition seems to be more stable now. There are some things I really don't know how to handle and they are a perfect breach for scourgers to return if I can't close it now, but I know that for now I am learning to enjoy my days and I am more in control of myself and so I can still expel them quickly.

Wait, where are all the texts? Did I just fail here in an inexcusable and pathetic way? It wasn't intentional like last september and I won't make an excuse for it. Everything was just ok and there wasn't any particular reason for that to happen. At most I was just maybe a little too tired to get things the way I wanted in time.

Thing is, I'm pretty much ok with it. It's weird that this is the very first time I actually failed in here (and that has a dark meaning to be stringed) but I'm hardly pulling my hair out with despair. I'm feeling quite good. I think I might be enjoying the ride without worries and I was so busy trying my time with other things that I just kind of got distracted from here. Yes, I've lost discipline and diligence, but at least I'm happy and that's healthy.

And it wasn't even a big failure, come on. Ideas are all there and I even had several texts written; I was just selecting to release thoughts on gems and strings and some revamps, but somehow only gems were more like what I actually wanted. And I've made a terrific development in that topic, and that's the definitive highlight of this month. I am proud of this, and I had such a great time going around chasing and choosing names. I'll stay with Marble and Turquoise as the refreshing moments of this month.

It wasn't a failure because even if it was just three texts this month, it's quality that matters, and I enjoyed them as texts too; something I don't feel very often. I wasn't writing just for obligation but I honestly was having a good time doing it and I like this light and playful tone to them. Also, they're jaw-dropping huge. I think the fifth version of gems is probably the biggest text I've ever written without even having that ambition, and it was even the accomplishment of a feat like august.

Hey, I had trances working back again like they used to before all these crazy times and maybe I am even understanding better how to trigger them. I had all these new seeds and lots of thoughts, and I was making the first plans for the Eva Engines, plus there was this Oceanic Framework and the Conundrum series. And when I was just making some treasure-hunting so I could name some new scourgers, there was an insane joy and inspiration to it that I suddenly realized I got too late to actually sit my ass down and write and make the strings of feelings and characters. So I promise next month they'll be there, also because I need to unload my mind of several thoughts that are taking too much space in my mind, and for too long too, and I want new refreshed waters for my thoughts to bathe in.

There is some other things I'd like to say. For instance, I want to go back to isolated inspection as cramming up a text with several ideas doesn't feel good and it felt cleaner before, even though working on introduction and conclusion for every little thing was tiresome and artificial. And I think I've found a nice template to work here from now on, but first I'll explore it more to see how that will work.