Of escalating irresolubility

My routine is a very clear and established one. Things always happen in the same patterns. It’s the safest strategy for organization. It optimizes efficiency and allows increasing self-challenge. But as far as I can notice, some steps of the simple routine can escalate into upsettingly unsolvable problems.

The degrees of resolubility of obstacles is what has been calling my attention lately. In an ordinary routine, some problems happen along the steps, and progress is blocked. I like paying attention to the same problems happening in the same stages, and seeing how sometimes it takes seconds for things to keep moving, sometimes it takes minutes, or then the irresolubility can grow to be irremediable.

This is a very interesting strategy for storywriting. In the beginning of the stories, a small detour in an ordinary routine, a small dot unexpectedly showing on radar can be an overlooked sign of a problem that can escalate into very critical situations in the plot.

Of (mythical) Nuclear Arrows

Unfortunately, some inner conflicts of mine can’t be resolved definitely. It would seem to be simply a matter of using martial efforts or being motivated enough but that isn’t the answer (or maybe it is and it’s an ill-planned defense). Those things I fight are gone but they are always finding a way to return.

The main problem in defeating those demons is that they never show up to the fights when I want and need them. They’re too out of control and I feel they are always carrying me around as they wish, and the only thing I can somehow manage to do is to make them let me go.

I don’t like those hypothetical creations, but there’s a time when I must have a clear objective, and this month I’ve been desperate to find my way to a weapon than can vanquish those haunting demons for good.

Of the spoiled brat my mind is

Any form of adopted mindtrap or bending for comfort seems to trigger an apparently wise state of mind that tolerates no deviation. Such inherent skill of mine, to be this just and righteous, ended up making me trustful of the ways of my mind. But as tyrannical as it can be towards any form of unbalanced path, my trust towards these unconscious movements ceases.

The desires my mind wants aren’t all desires that needed to be granted. Some desires, like a need for romantic relationships, require healed wounds and patience for someone you can feel comfortable with their presence for intimacy to happen. Some others, like a desire to feel like I’m actually doing something useful in the world, require even more patience. And also preparation. And mostly persistence.

Some desires aren’t satisfied mostly because of the very stubbornness of my mind. This peace of mind, that never seems mine to possess, would make distracted enough to develop myself, something distress seemed to do quite effectively. But I can’t take all this bashing no more. I should learn of the ways of my mind to grant me the most effective state of inspiration, but no matter what I do, I end up with depression. As my mind doesn’t help me, it’ll need some bending itself.

Of Csillag’s tyranny

My mind is unruly as hell. No matter what I do, it’s never satisfied. And not only that, I feel being punished even if I’m working to exhaustion, even if I’m doing my fucking best. While I’m trying to see how far I can go with my current skills, I’m only punished with depression and meeting dead-ends once again.

Just like I was one whole year ago, I’ve been nailed to my bed again, despite all the accomplishments that should make me so much safer nowadays. I wouldn’t ever expect that aftergoal issues would come to bring me to this state.

I honestly don’t know how to appease my mind. At first I would think that, as resting would make me feel guilty, being always busy would do the trick. If living in misery wouldn’t allow my best as lacking confidence wouldn’t allow being, then I’d have to find a way to let my soul gather strength for doing my efforts without anguish. But the right thing to do seems always such a desperate struggle. Even the extreme dedication (mixed with some balancing for wisewalking purposes) brings a price unbearably high.

Peace of mind is gradually something I can never, never come to possess. There might be some desires from my mind I am not pleasing, but I can’t actually satisfy some of them. Some are just childish dreams, while others should be alleviated with patience. Even for things I could get right now, I must know how to resist with these breakdowns. In the end, it’s getting clearer to me I’m just being controlled by something behaving like a spoiled kid.

Of accusations of cracked decisions

My mind doesn’t accept the decision of the Tactical Exile. Maybe it’s because I can feel the cracks in sincerity. Maybe it’s some bending for comfort, to deal with a Nuclear Defeat in the easiest way, but thinking of it logically, it’s sure the best tactic I have.

While my mind punishes me under accusations of bending, maybe the bending is needed, so that I can be more patient. I don’t really want to face some of the worst issues, but it’s because I’m smart enough to know I’m too unprepared for the world.

Hell, I can’t even take control over myself, I’m going to be obliterated if I go out right now. If there’s any harmful bending, it’s this vice to keep this self-punishment over every petty little thing.

Of days spiraling into years

In spite of my efforts, important things are always falling behind. If I’m feeling well and inspired, waves secretly invade me to bring me down when I least expect it. If I’m feeling down, I can’t practice my skills with the martial reinforcement they need. If Trygve can put me back on track, I get so focused I stop living.

The same goes for my skills. I have dozens of ideas on how to improve them. I am aware of dozens of new edges to improve. And while I’m there improving them, the notion of time passing by falls behind. And when I look at it, the relation of time and development is much behind expectations. It always feels like I won’t be ready in time!

It’s an eternal struggle to get myself the needed balance to feel I’m living life the best I can and developing myself the most efficient way. If I’m not careful, someday I’ll just wake up and realize the whole of my life has been spent in the search for the balance to enjoy life, and I won’t have lived it.