Of Leitmotifing

One of latest abilities I’ve discovered to be developable is this attempt to connect all these texts together, making it all a tight package without loose ends. I wouldn’t find many other exercises more worthy to develop storytelling skills.

I find it great the way it feels to have these ideas connecting together, to find parts of the current idea neighboring all those others, and how it’s feeling possible to sharpen my mind even more for this skill. It looks like a precious tool to use.

Strictly sequential chainposting isn’t so essential now all these posts from the beginning towards the end of the month are all chained in one mass. Of course, maybe if it wasn’t for chainposting throughout all these moments trying to connect them sequentially I wouldn’t be able to do the leitmotifing now. But with leitmotifing I can try some more sophisticated sequentialities other than the simple linear one. So it might some kind of natural evolution, though I don’t find posts scattered randomly to be a pleasant sight.

Of unexpected positive and negative feedbacks

There are forces out there that play to and against our side. It’s the unconscious feeling that some paths are already set, but it shouldn’t be confused with destiny.

Sometimes we like to think everything will be alright, that there’s an almighty positive feedback out there to guarantee everything will work out fine. But at the same time, there could be a wicked negative feedback that would try to do its best to prevent us from achieving our goals.

These things that seem to unexpectedly aid me in my quest or deter me could simply be my own qualities and flaws. Characteristics of mine that I could only have the illusion that I can change…

Of Plato’s Homecoming

Suspiciously earlier than expected I’ve found a road to reach my own fulfillment, satisfaction and happiness. But is this all my talent is for?

There are limits to what one can do alone. In my plans I still have basically two more years of martial exercises and I am excited to find out how far I’ll be by then. But there’s a point when one’s development isn’t enough.

I don’t want to be helpful only to myself. I want my work to guide other’s souls too as it guides mine. I want to help others with these same tendencies as mine to feel as protected as I can feel. So how can I be satisfied with sheer sincere dedication when I can’t see it improving others’ lives?

We need to go back to the place we came from and make good use of our journeys to the real world. Around then, when sincere dedication in this exile will no longer be enough, I’ll really need recognizement…

Of delirium of struggle

Sometimes we become blindfolded by the circumstances we are in. We can lose perception of the proportions. And then, in a moment of clear rationalization, we can realize, with shame, that those large steps weren’t that large, the pain we were struggling to fight wasn’t but some ordinary pain.

I don’t know how to tell if these issues I face the hardest I can face. But Csillag won’t be happy to find you’ve been struggling to overcome minor obstacles. And to avoid that all we have to do is to bend our perceptions. After all, if in lack of comparative proportions all can be a struggle, the opposite can also be held true.

Of the promises of an exponential growth

There must be something wrong. I’m finding too many answers just too fast. If I were wrong, why would things feel like working for me? Am I really bending reality this hard? It’s not even like I’m being misguided by the line of thoughts, I have some very solid hints that this is no extreme delirium of mine.

But, if this quick growth is sure to be happening, it puts me to ponder what lies ahead. They say that exponential growth can only make two things happen, it will soon engulf everything, or the growth is to be stopped somehow. I find myself quite startled by this impediment, which is, of course, the alternative most likely to happen to me.

Should I slow things down and do things more patiently, and deal more carefully with the subtleties that could slowly get me into an exponential snowball of bad choices that will put me to a dead-end? Or should I make more efforts to risk trying the other alternative?

Of Tactical Exile

It’s often misguiding the confusion of a simple life and an empty one. I live one simple life, but hardly one meaningless and unproductive (like in those movies the main character is bored with his office work). Of course, Csillag is unsettled by how much I’m not changing the world, but I must understand that personal development is what I can do now. I can’t step outside unprepared, that’s not my way.

Though I’ve made myself a sounding decision to not use plastered academic procedures for my development, my mind seems to retain some regret from it. I just know I can do it all by myself: it’s not like academy or anyone can teach me how I work.

I’ve read about it, how some famous accomplishments were attained in this clandestine dedication. Einstein, for instance, with both his distance from academy and the spare time in the patent office he worked at enabled him to come up with the groundbreaking ideas in the field of physics. It’s a very motivational detail for me, to know success can be achieved in very different ways.

Also, I’ve been growing to find a charming thought, to find something important being done in a little town of the countryside. It helps heal my soul against the thought of impotence and isolation from where it’s important to be. I must learn that life isn’t always where I am not at. Instead, I can make life be where I am. I can try making a change in this apparently unimportant place. Maybe that’s how steps should be taken, one at each time.

Of supposedly reinvigorating rest

All this time, the thing I wish the most I could accomplish was the ability to let myself take some rest without feeling an overwhelming amount of regret as consequence. Honestly, it wouldn’t be really as damageful to my plans if I went through one day without doing something really important. Unfortunately, some things are more firmly-installed in my mind than I’d like them to be.

If I would only prevent Csillag from waking up as I’d use the whole of my sunday without worrying only once about my ideas, just being able not to look for equations or chasing quintessences, then I’m sure the time I am active again would be much more productive. After all, it’s not like I’m always making the best usage of my time.

Of dormant Csillag

Life flows while I keep living a very mundane routine of dealing with never-ending accumulation of things. There’s my job and my food and clothes and personal problems. I meet people and travel the days. While sometimes this modest life appeases me a lot, sometimes I feel can’t satisfy myself with that. Imagine this is how you’ll live until you die, until you’re no more. Can you live with it?

There’s this big fear inside me that keeps me pressing to develop myself to avoid that. It’s the dread I feel of resting and sleeping more than the basic need. I call it Csillag. In the Fire Ensemble realm, it stands for a beast that must not be awakened.

Csillag is regret. It crushes me as I am only to imagine I’m not doing something right. I’ve been too outgoing, too extroverted lately. As it wakes up, it’s when my mind repents of it. Every visit from him puts me to my knees, but I beg him for one more new chance. For the next days, then, I’ll be silent, quiet again. Sometimes it strikes me out of the sudden, even when I’ve been doing my fucking best. Though I can’t kill it, as it’s really important for my development, I just wish this fear was a bit more fair. When there’s the first signs of awakening, I’ve been desperately trying to calm it with the promise of the Pacient Design.

He can’t be too evil, as he prevents me from being too proud, or too arrogant, or any form of superiority. He never lets you posses happiness for too long too, so he’s neither a benefactor. So what exactly could he be like? Is Csillag a higher god? Is he a tyrant boss who demands results or a balrog-looking dragonbeast that trades peace in exchange of offerings? I have to be careful when creating it. Is Csillag belonging to the Dark Army? Or is he part of the Fire Ensemble? Could he be their boss? I still don’t know where to fit him in this world. Damn, there’s something from him that I’ve once related with Vesta. So could Csillag be her dark secret? The balance that I’m supposed to achieve, is it more fear than discipline? My monthly offerings, they seem to ease him more than a true passionate dedication to my cause.

Of Massive Quintessences

The bigger ideas take the longest time to be tamed. Sometimes I feel them, passing along, and I feel them, I recognize them, but as I try to shoot words to capture it, they fail, as these felt thoughts are too massive to comprehend, let alone materialize.

There are a lot of them around my head, still too wild for me. But they don’t intimidate me. I’ve already got some of these behemoths before, and some of them passing by once in a while make for a refreshing challenge for me to prove myself once again to ease this fear of not doing my best.

Although I should be careful not to talk about them until I feel ready, I shouldn’t also stop try chasing them. As tiresome as it is, the most rewarding acts do have to come from a true struggle.

Of the subtleties that ruin me

One of the unexpected positive feedbacks that I get from working here is how fortunately solid these ideas are. Maybe because I’m patiently expanding the trodden grounds and paying attention to the correlations, they seem to intertwine really well. However, there’s always some little things troubling me, little details that doesn’t seem to fit.

That’s what’s important about meeting with people who don’t understand your ideas well, they see these little subtleties I’m ignoring. I should be careful with the complex of persecution, as they can also point me the cracks in the structure. For instance, what’s the relation between Fire Ensemble and Spells? Is Hephaestus a spell turned a being through some apotheosis? Are spells cast by these personified flames? And if I create a dissidence from one of these quintessence, can’t they be dismembered indefinitely?

Of course, I should be forgiven for not having all the edges polished yet. I’m doing the best I can, and these subtleties are what require the most accurate sensibility. But it’s not as if I can really ignore them for too long, that’s for sure. After all, by following the logic of the Cracked Arguments, these unfitting subtleties hidden under the carpet are to be surfaced if I want to keep expanding my grounds.

Of Cracked Arguments

However uncomfortable, we must face the hard truths. We do bad decisions and say the wrong words with terrible regularity. But it’s not like we have to be conformers towards it. Enhance your sensibility and you can feel a bad decision is being made, and you can have the time to brake yourself in time.

After all, we can tell when we’re not sincere. We can feel those cracks, and we can prevent them from being released. If we fail to delete them in time, they will go to the world, but sure they’ll come back. It’s just natural, they’ll come back and haunt you, until you fix them.

But there’s some requirements for it. There’s the Hawthorne’s Block  and also the Quintessential Rule that seems to prevent this exponential snowball of bad decisions to become a insufferable weight inside me. I must let Vesta glow white to accept these mistakes.

It’s dangerous to be too passionately devoted to one idea and stick with the cracked decision, and bend the reality just to make the idea acceptable. However, one can only build this snowball to some extent; otherwise, these ghosts will hold you from going too far from them, and you’ll be trapped with your own misguiding stubbornness.

Of Reality-bending

According to the scientific method, the reality is always above the hypothesis we make. One of the most egregious insults one could do was to put your theory above it all and try to bend a solid reality in order to make it adaptable to the theories.

We have to be careful, we might be so inclinated to bend reality that we might do it unconsciously. We might do it as a survival instinct, like Unguilt, that can be one form of reality-bending, a way for us to convince ourselves that we’re not as much despicable.

Unfortunately I’m not doing enough science here (though I’m feeling progress as if I was), but this principle of righteousness inherent to scientific processes is attractive to me as it’s fundamental for my vigilance against mindtraps.

Of one (very) solid reality

The subjectivity in the world is sometimes more highlighted than it should. So much it’s being destroyed as it becomes an excuse for whatever wicked attitude questioned. No, subjectivity has one meaning that’s exactly what’s being lost in the process. Subjectivity didn’t ever mean the inexistence of a very solid reality.

What we are doing with the misuse of subjectivity is to bend the reality just to avoid facing hard truths. And the hard truth is that the world is much more objective than we would like it to be. There are things we don’t like thinking, and yet they are there, out of existence for us as we distort the whole reality to avoid seeing them.

There you have time and space, it’s all very solid. All things that are happening (even in the subjective mind), all the places in the universe, all those things happening for a fact. But it’s too much for our mind. There’s the unexpected positive feedback that is how most relevant events have a tendency to be recorded, but just imagine how tormenting it would be for historians to think that 99% of the events and details of the past world of mankind are forever lost. 

Of enantiodromic issues

Looking at the past I can find behaviors of mine that I can’t relate to anymore. When I’m in an extroverted phase, I look back at my introverted and shy self and wonder why I was like that. But some passing fancies that are gone sometimes have this tendency to return.

When I’m feeling so good about myself I can’t understand how I can possibly create an entity like Trygve. But all these old behaviors keep resurfacing again, I start to learn that it’s better not go around taking solid stances to undivide myself. 

Of Lead Sorrow

There are moments when I look at things to do and to accomplish, and a feeling of discouragement strikes me. It’s a feeling neighboring the meaninglessness, a feeling that weighs down the chest and makes it almost physically hard to breath.

It seems to come from pressures put onto me, as I don’t feel much motivated when being told what,when and how to do things. Quite immature I know, I still haven’t resolved this cobweb. But the intriguing part is that this demotivational pressure sometimes happens in a similar fashion to instant resolve, though with opposite consequences: it happens in my mind, faster than my realization it has happened.

Of syntonization of mental frequencies

My ideas and feelings usually change along with time. I don’t know if it’s the natural evolution or the interference of my observations, but there are some moments along the process when the quintessences show some strange behaviors.

Some past generations of mine possessed some peculiar abilities, such as the wide-awake dreams, the instant resolve, or the songs my heart would sing. I’m no longer able to reproduce these like I did in last November. However, instead of believing it was but a delirium of my mind, it feels to me the mind is able to produce those things according to the frequencies of the mind.

These strange powers from the past now became treasured, specially these songs I’m calling Musical Quintessences. However, these shining powers belong to the past, and I’m yet to find how to make an expedition to my past generations. If only I could unlock them again. What would be the way to transition between these stations at my own will? Increasing sensibility and recalling crests would seem to be the first guessed approach.

Of ambivalent reactions

The subjectivity of the human mind is something admirable. Not only as it changes from person to person, but as different reactions to the same things can happen in the very same mind.

The refreshing Zephyr and disheartening Haze can come from the same things. Not like different points of view, but the very same details that one time will attract me, the next time it would feel heavy like lead.

It’s so divided, and I could believe in both so easily that this doublethinking prevents me from being able to take a solid stance. You see, sometimes thinking of this blog makes me unhopeful, while other times I honestly believe it’s really something. How do I know what the real thing is?

Of undecided terms (unscratched nuclear shells)

There’s always conflicts inside me that I’m not resolving. Conflicts that should be resolved at once and forever. But hardly those conflicts turn out to be decided and for me to move on. Sometimes a choice is made, a side is taken, but it seems always to be so half-hearted.

I’m left incapable of trying to tell my future, when most decisions I make are torn apart by my incapability to keep them. However, the most important ones, like my dedication to my development seems well-installed and is still intact (though not invulnerable). But apart from that, this unstableness and uncertainty is always a constant in my life, something I’d like very much to remove. But I can’t seem to resolve it completely either.

The worst part is that I don’t know how exactly apply a martial effort to it as to make a firm decision. My impotence and ignorance towards of how to resolve these issues makes me upset.

Of divided self

It’s worth noting how much I felt I changed inside, how much stronger and safer I seem to feel, but, at the same time, I remain always the same, there in the real life. Still mostly a quiet listener, not being expressive of my opinions.

Though things I do here might leak there, and I like seeing how others have noticed my dedication to my tasks, trying to do them efficient, rapid, organized. I like how my flames sometimes surface to my actions.

But still it feels important to me that I have to keep having this divided self. It makes me ever in touch with the world, and it doesn’t let me feel too proud of myself.  This average-looking guy that I am in the real life has always bothered me, but in the end it’s the enantiodromic impulses that seem to make the formula work. It’s what gives me strength, to clandestinely build up my empire in this undercurrent alley.

Of crash landings (by an inexperienced pilot)

There’s a negative feedback for everything, a continuation to issues already resolved. It turns out that inspiration comes with a price I haven’t noticed before. I can’t try to be inspired all the time, it will lose its lust after a while. And if I’m not careful, I have some strange tendency to feel ashamed, as if it was a regret of the luxury, the delirium of being accomplished.

It’s an idea I’ve thought of before, it’s what I’ve called Hephaestosis, the way the inebriating trance brings some sort of hangover. It’s quite a distress, actually, the way I feel like every flight comes with a crash landing. If I manage to materialize the quintessences properly, I’m sometimes filled the unrewarding Aftergoal Disillusion.

Maybe I need some Wisewalking here, and learn how to land safely after each incursion into this other world. It would avoid me much repair cost, that’s for sure. But of course, that would bring an unknown negative feedback too...

Of Inspirational Trance

Art has always marveled me. And while I was seeing all these touching stories and images and songs people have crafted, I knew, I felt I would never be able to do the same, because everything I touch has this lukewarmness to it. Always too amateurish, too mundane to belong.

But the ideas of trances and quintessential rules have finally helped me to overcome this fear. I can write good stories and interesting texts if I’m inspired enough and as long as I have something to say (usually those things I’ve touched that felt hateful where mostly because I hadn’t been canalizing a quintessence into it to create the gusto effect).

There was a time when I wouldn’t think I could accomplish those things I’m doing now. Even now, sometimes, it still baffles me how I came to do those things, to even keep it alive for so long. Also, when in this trance, I don’t feel like striving for death, as it nulls that need.

It’s one of the single missions I must do every day, to engage in this moment of inspiration. While I can achieve these trances, this project is secure, and the future is to prosper. All I have to do is to summon Hephaestus. I don’t know how to do this manually, but it happens often enough. My curiosity and interest seem to be a firmly installed program, fortunately.

Once I’m in this trance, everything happens easily. When it happens, I simply know what to do, what must be improved and polished. It’s a moment when everything is meaningful. Motifs are born like exploding fireworks, and I fill dozens of pages in my little notepad. It’s in moments like this that I know I can do anything I want.

As it requires a certain love and confidence in myself, I must be careful when it comes the pain that Trygve can harvest. Complete escapism from surface aren’t too positive either, as after I’ve been in the work or with my friends, the following moments after extroversion, seem to enhance the loudening’s zone.

There’s a returning quintessence here, and it’s what I’ve once called Nirvanic Concentration. It’s really the same, as the Trance seems to even enhance the loudening’s zone. It’s just weird that it felt really hard to describe back then, but it feels so much more comfortable now.

As a side note, there’s a trance for every flame. Hephaestus might bring the thirst for knowledge that this blog needs, but also there’s a clear trance for Áine and Trygve. For instance, Áine’s Flood is that intense moment of passionate empathy I have for others, and there’s also Trygve’s Harvest, when I can seem to deal with dark emotions more efficiently. It’s a little more complicated to distinguish any burning quintessence when it comes to Zhu Rong and Vesta, though. Maybe it’s the physical disposition and the calm tranquility even when storms are raging around.

Of Prostration Haze

Unlike Zephyr Winds, Haze are the things that create the opposite reaction from me. For instance, instead of making me feel inspired, they make me feel disheartened, like those things I touch, my lines, my strokes, they feel too depressing for me to witness. Unlike the fresh zephyrous scents, hazeful scents are those of things too long unwashed.

Suddenly, this little motif has made great contribution in my fights against procrastinator. I feel much more compelled to clean all the mess around me and leave it all organized, clean and fresh when I know it will open space for well-being to blow in again.

It might be believed that pain and sorrow are inherently connect to haze, but some kinds of sadness, like melancholy, nostalgy and even some harsher feelings to be not nearly as demotivational as they would look like, but are rather harvestable.

Of Zephyr Winds

Using Garnets as a name for my idea of refreshment wasn’t really captivating me. The word Zephyr, on the other hand, was unbelievably perfect for it. The idea of winds is, also, much more fitting to the concept than gemstones.

The question that arises is, what makes zephyrous wind blows? One theory I have is that it comes with manipulation of vertices, knowing available vertices can be used to achieve ever creative and original results. Maybe Zephyr winds come with our tastes. After all, women can bring it tempestuous: can the world come up with such an excellence this beautiful beings?

Either way, wherever zephyr blows I can find a safe port. Wherever zephyr blows, its refreshment can make me distracted, entertained. It’s also very inspirational, always a pathway to achieve trance more easily.

Of a firmly installed program

Every new month that comes I wonder if I’ll be able to make it, and have enough new ideas. There are moments when nothing comes, nothing is worth writing and I think that this is it: it’s over, now I’ll fall!

Fortunately, this project remains curiously strong. It’s one quality that I seem to have, one of these unexpected positive feedbacks. Aside from subtleties that menace a complete consistence of my ideas, it’s all very solid, thanks to a sincere and flexible approach towards failures. If I was more stubborn, it wouldn’t be just small details that wouldn’t fit together. But I’m working patiently and with sincerity, trying to spot all cracks I am able to, and things are working.

After so much insistence, it’s became natural and frequent, this trance that brings me meanings. Ideas now are so natural. It’s because although Hawthorne’s Block can prevent some ideas from coming, it mostly forced me to have them through this sincerity. Now, I’m not forcing ideas, just making the right pressure towards it, so when I see new patterns and equations, I find myself naturally engaged.

Checkpoint #12

March was a month for an accepted tradition. I’ve come to find the release in the last minute very good for seasoning habits. That’s some systematic feedback, who would guess procrastinator would do me good, heh. So although I’ve faltered sometimes, I’m glad I’ve truly managed to win some battles against procrastinator. Finally I’m beginning to turn the table to my favor.

I’m very satisfied with the score. Not only I felt productive, but also I felt the martial exercise to have them seasoned good. Thanks to wisewalking I managed not to lose much time with mournings and laments (only the necessary to mine some strength from it). Writing down every little realization was very effective too, as out of all these seeds some seemed to require only the jotting down for them to be developed, and I wonder if some wouldn’t be lost if it wasn’t for it. All in all, it seems I’m getting more fluent in the chasing of sylvan quintessences and quintessential conversion.

This time there wasn’t only one discovery, but truly several important ones. Taking Behavioral Knowledge out of the candidates as it belong to the distant december, march’s were all intertwined, so Wisewalking and Garnets and Martial Reinforcement were equally important to create this spell (Quintessential Conversion was the very first one from the first day of the month, but I couldn’t have it charged much further). Thanks to it, against all odds I’m fighting to feel this awesome trance more frequently. It results in Trygve having his role downgraded, but his energy persists in this superflame as I’ve been feeling like listening to his songs much more frequently. It’s been working in a well-balanced way so far. So much that in fact one of these days when I was done with the resourcing phase and started writing I noticed how rusty I was. But a nightwalk was all that I needed to somehow control the quintessence back to the trance that I needed to perform the quintessential rule.

Something else worth mentioning is how useful it was for making of march a month exclusively for Vesta, as it showed she is not powerful alone. I was wondering how I was going to talk about some subjects now all I had to talk about was Vesta’s doings. It turned out I was able to talk about everything still, from Hephaestus to Zhu Rong, all while being overseen by Vesta. Her phrase turned out to be this one, a travel through all flames now with rationality being emphasized. The whole month I tried to have her summoned by my side, and it turned out to be a good exercise, as I forced myself to face some things better. That brought me the chance to make it a good end to this whole months dedicated to the Fire Ensemble (as I could use the chance to bring things I forgot to say about the other flames), as it also helped me set the tone for the next months. I’ve been worried about how it would be a good ending, I have traumas with bad endings, but I guess überflammen was a simple yet nice way to do it. Maybe I haven’t had it materialized as I imagined it, but it was a good exercise still.

It’s somewhat relieving, as I’d been worried about how I’d go on without working the definition of the flames. Now it seems it’s the model to go, always trying to make it Vesta’s month. In the next new chances I’ll keep on fighting the procrastination while I’ll also be practicing some leitmotifing. It’ll be good to see how each month’s group of posts could work tied together. It’s a nice exercise to practice storytelling. It’s exciting to think dream and the reality could be connected through this bridge, but I’ll not hurry. The bridge must be built patiently, now I’m confident I’m knowing the road better.

To help me be inspired and willing to keep on fighting for my good fate, nature brought me good news: autumn is back. I love you autumnal colors and this chilly air again up my nostrils. It’s been one year already since I’ve declared my love for this season, and so, so much has changed. So we’re getting to April, which is the first month that will find itself repeated since the birth. Maybe I’ll begin to realize the advancements now and I hope Hephaestus’ season will help me with that.