Of Release’s Toll

There is an unexpected price for the release exercise in May. It really took me by surprise. As it’s starting to get clear to me, when I get involved in ambitious projects, it drains my energy. And my mind, scared by cause of the draining, will use its tools to avoid it in order to prevent further damage.

There was a very similar emotional response emanating from my drawing exercises. It didn’t feature this toll in the same magnitude as it happens in a smaller scale. But whenever I feel like proving myself by doing a more difficult drawing, the state of mind that follows is of a certain hollowness. And then, the thought of doing anything ambitious again is received with aversion.

May’s writing exercise was much more demanding and the danger was in how much effort I’ve put in there, just to find no reward for it. The disillusion seems to be proportional to the effort put into something. Fortunately so far I’m flying really low, falls are easily recoverable.

Then, the desire grows back, and the lead aversion and disillusion vanishes. That weakness and discomfort is gone and there’s strength again. Even if it’s unfortunate my thirst for development is debilitated in this relation between action and reaction, I’m sure I could find a use for it, if the reaction remains consistent.