September was a revival of some old habits. It
felt, as I expected it to be, quite dangerous. Being less focused and
productive didn’t make me good. But even if the accomplishments of August started
turning into ashes, I had enough protection for my self-esteem. And that’s one very
important lesson here, how much I’m disliking this restraint thing. First of
all, it makes me feel like wasting time. Second, it did not recharge my batteries, but
maybe it’s because I didn’t know how to do it well. Third, because I didn’t
know how to do it well (and Causal Assumption tells me I have to constantly do things
well). To top it, I’ve learned the change from release to restraint has some
requirements. The way I did it felt like a very brute change of motion. It was like doing something
against the flow, like going up and up and then not only decelerating, but
coming to a full brake. The result was something similar to passengers being
thrown forwards by this dramatic change. I’ll have to learn how to change
between them like one learns the moment to shift the gears when the car’s
engine is asking us to.
It was a strange month. My ideas were
half-working, but not exactly like the disassembling trances of June and July.
It’s something like blackouts and maybe lack of motivation. It was a feeling of having no things to improve that is absurd and unfair with my several ongoing missions that I like leaving opened exactly because of this. It felt really
uncomfortable, that feeling of losing passion, of things coming to an end, of life in roman ruins, etc. It’s
the toll of restraint, probably. Or a bigger change in generations, like a
skin-changing renovation (which is ofcoursely the title of a future text), considering the
efforts and events from August and September (and maybe this is the effect from this brute alternation between release and restraint, so I'll try it again in the future). So I think it's for the good I didn't trust the restraint entirely and secretly I kept reaching to my soul for trances here and there.
It was a long month, and it felt like two or three different generations. I like this feeling, this realization that something that happened thirty days ago felt like a much more distant past. And it was hard for me to still focus on reading, and I think I'll need some martial methodism for the Whirlpool to work. Strange how I was consuming as much entertainment as any month of release, it's another reason for me to dislike those useless restraints. But there was this or that moment when I was glad I had no obligations, and it was nice to be without a schedule and deadline, and being free to be a little reckless, or to go out at every chance I had. I was more outgoing and I made several new friendships. There was this modest meeting of artists and illustrators from my city that I've attended for the first time, and it was a marvellous experience, and the complimments I've received about my work made me feel really encouraged. Huh, it made me feel briefly separated from the whole intimacy I had towards it, so it added to skin-changing and strangeness of the month.
It was also a month strangely absent of
Scourgers. It’s as if I had been just tired of them, or then the toll
makes me lose the sensibility that puts me in touch with my traumas. Lately I’ve
been in grace with my drawing skills (and it's been even before that meeting) so it’s been protecting me from Ushag (though
he’s still weakened from the explosive August). I’d expect Sfayi to lead my torment,
but all her strength seemed to be used to unleash that beast that failed to bring me down. And even that monster locked in her undersea dungeons somehow just disappeared dozens of days ago. Hephaestus was disappointed, it had such a badass name and I needed more time with it to figure out the appearance. I don’t know if it was my mind locking them for
my protection, or if I am seeing the world around me change. Maybe it all has
to do with these events I’ve attended, and seeing I can participate more of
conversations and everything. I’ve had one friend of mine who’s been so kind to
me when I needed it, and this compassion she showed made see how good a true friendship can bring me. Still, even if Sfayi and Qareen seem like in
the past already, I don’t want to think of having achieved a victory. That
would be too strangely early.
Although I’m not releasing them, I still had a
whole month’s worth of ideas like always.
But I’m not willing to think of it as my natural tendency as it could
have been the inertia from all the energy in August. I’m itching to talk about
them, and I had a hard time convincing me that I should not write texts this
month. I can’t feel like not talking about them now (as I’m excited about
writing an actual text again after a whole month), so there I’ve had the usual overcreative
consequences of Gamma
State
And now the final trimester of the year is
coming, and I am making my plans for a final act. It’s been a broken stream
when I’ve noticed some months ago I could make plans ahead and then I lost it.
Now I’ll make a quite longer plan involving the next three months. I’ll go back
to a moderate release now in October, and the ideas from September alone can
fill the quota easily. But I’ll try to shift the release from quantitative to
qualitative (as most texts from August feel ridiculous and cheap to me now). In
November I’ll try another restraint, and I hope I can deal better with it and
its toll. And then in December I’ll release the efforts from the trimester. If it all goes well - and having three months to organize all my ideas seems enough -, then this year will truly be something I can boast about.
-
As to my request I did last month, I want you
to know how disappointed I am with the complete silence you can make and that I
can’t stop. It makes me want say so, so many things. Some things I must say,
though. Your reaction is so ridiculous, absurd and frustrating I can only feel like…
laughing, I guess. It’s what I’ve been fighting my whole life through, and I’ve
made my best so far to actually bring people closer to me, and you insist in
making me feel unworthy of one simple message of feedback. I’ve given my hand
to you, I offered a chance for us to exchange ideas and be friends, and
strangely you all declined it. It's nice to know of people so fulfilled then need no more friends, but it’s not my loss
either. I offered you the chance to be more than stastistics, but you’ve chosen
not to be actual people to me. Still, I’ll remember this day. Someday it’ll be
easy to give me compliments and agree with my ideas and all that fuzz.
But then I’ll remember that when I needed support, that when I needed
encouragement, today you were all silent. Honestly, although I don’t want to say you’re not welcome here
anymore, I can’t feel comfortable in sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings
in this condition.
