Of Confirmed Limitation

Human folks are inherentely biased and fallacious, and the most glaring one is when we think we are not. So one of those days I've been reading some of the most common ones that plague our mind, and double-checking them to warn my mind to be aware of them even though I might think they are no threat, them mindtraps. It's interesting to read them and foresee the ones my introspective forces haven't detected yet. Yeah, slowly I'm learning the logistics of Ungapping.

But out of all the amazing discoveries, the most powerful mindtrap I've found (yes, an Al Capone-like gangster) was with the help of my trusty introspective battalions. I seem to have this tendency to feel discouraged when a certain limitation is imposed. For example, introspection is said by some to be an unreliable tool, also because psychological forces in the deeper levels of the unconscious can't be exposed through it. And I feel like there's no need trying. And when I keep trying one political party in my brain says I'm a goddamned fool (god, this much Russian Revolution is doing things to my brain).

We hardly notice the consequences of imposing limitations, as they might end up being seen as impossibilities, and certain things impossible are so due to our beliefs. I am settling that, logistics deeply considered (mostly time - I have to stop being paranoid with my goals), my conception of the impossible should not be too influential in my ambitions. Just in case anyone hasn't noticed yet, I'm outright a fan of that Mark Twain's quote "They did not know it was impossible, so they did it".

The moment is ripe to declare indepency of my mind. And this is one of elements of my individual Constitution I'm elaborating, containing all rules and principles I need to follow to maintain my own well-being. Actually, all I feel I need right now is peace of mind. I want to expel this whole block of guilty and pressure and emptiness and shame and despair and distrust (of all this destructive creativity, and dysrationalia ruling over) that keeps plundering and threatening the integrity of my mental lands. The feeling of inner security and self-confidence is how I see my own happiness (or is it the current form of happiness, just the current thing missing?), and this is the reason why I have to to believe in my mental independence (as I biasedly thought I already was).

Of Motif Mining

There's a dreadful place in my mind, mysterious, dangerous and huge. It's so huge in fact that only realizing its hugeness is deadly enough. But it's my duty to go deep into it. And as I take some steps in, I already start to feel some unbodied whisperings and the yet gentle smell of nightmist. As names come after the realization, I'm now ready to dub this Realm of Uncertainty, in an attempt to chart my way through this maze. I tread this place carefully, as mindtraps lurk all around, preying on most thoughts venturing here, possessing them with that awful illness, dysrationalia.

By the way, is this what I used to call having Cloudy Thoughts? It seems like something entirely different now. Is it because I've been sailing around these seas more often? It's all so uncertain...

Fortunately I've got some tools to help me here. First is Questioning, it can shield potential misthoughts as shown above. Also, my Hymns of Introspection seem to ward them mindtraps off, at least to a certain extent. There’s a reason why ambient songs are the perfect soundtrack for introspection, they slow down my haste to find everything, so I sit back, breathing slowly, eyes closed.

But still my sanity seems to plummet the deeper I go into my thoughts. Or is just because I’m too tired as I’ve been sleeping 3h each day? It’s all but Hephaestosis leading me into the same obsessive, maddening quest that brought me to an almost suicidal depression before, as unprepared as I was.

The deeper I go, I start feeling an increasing distrust to the overall reality of my mind, but for some reason, I'm feeling stronger, I'm feeling only mildly puzzled. Or am I feeling different things (as I have some distrust for the me that is past, I always I find him to be a weak pussy and retard who doesn't make good use of the time he has) or am I really stronger and more prepared? How can I possibly tell them apart? Uh, too much questioning, this is a really dark area. Tighten now, boys, don't despair. But, uh, there's this motif again, the emotional response leaking from it, I can almost smell it. I wonder if this motif (interesting how they become more real and more solid by the more they appear) could be stored for later studies. Now, is this place inherently uncertain, or is it just uncharted? Um, more emotional motifs! These dark caves are dangerous but they are full of treasures. Ops, that thought might have been mermaided. Quick, a question here! Or is it?. Uff, that was close.

But I digress (this is inherent of this Realm. I'm recalling it now, is this what I used to call the Unthought? Hey, more motifs to be explored). I’m fucking digressing again! Focus, boys, focus, for god’s sake, we’re in a mission here. We are unloading several posts and never getting to the nuclear point. 

How do I make these feeble thoughts less vulnerable to dysrationalia?

STOP DIGRESSING.

Of maturity

Sometimes I wonder if maturity and intensity are opposites sides of a coin.
No, wait, no. I don't really think it's like that. At least not simple like that.

From the few moments in my life where I felt truly mature, the last thing I could relate to it was having things out of control. But maybe intensity doesn't have anything to do with lack of control. Feeling that mature confidence can be a really intense moment. The difference is that it's not overwhelming.

I've felt it before. Not too many times, so I find it fascinating when it happens to me. That feeling of sudden strength arising from a hopeless moment when strength is needed, when a firm hand is needed to make firm decisions. It's a very steady feeling. It feels like spiky things can be handled without pain. It's not like feeling invincible. You don't feel like you can fight the whole world. You realize you can't. But you feel the energy to give it a shot. You feel like giving hope to people who need it. You feel like protecting others, and making them feel safe by your side, sharing with you some needed peace and comfort.
It is one of the most amazing things I could ever experience as a human being. It's an experience that makes me proud of being human.

Huh...

I feel weird when talking about pride. I feel it's not appropriate. We can't be proud of being human. Mankind is nothing but a virus in this world, right? We've got to feel shame. A self-destructive pessimism. Sure that will change things for better!

Of pressure

I've missed one important word in my last entry: pressure.
I've grown too weary of being under pressure, even when it's not really too hard. I guess the word intolerant was the right one in the end. It's like when you're too pissed off with someone and even the most harmless misusing of a word boils your blood. Anyway, I should've said that in in the proper entry. My point here is a different one: we love the pressure.

There's some redeeming thing about some things that we can't bear, right after they are over.
I remember once playing this game, Psychonauts, and getting extremely upset with the insane increase of difficulty towards the end of the game. I've cursed every person related to that game for being such assholes who allowed that great game to become a great pain in the ass (especially that circling net catching fire). And I've almost given up, but in the name of Pride, I've made it. Soon after I've finished the game, though, all the harsh memories almost disappeared. I feel too cautious to use the word rewarding, because it sounds like it's more than that. That was the moment when I truly realized how our memories aren't to be trusted.

Anyway, same goes for every little thing that has ever stressed us to the point of making our hair fall. That relationship that was the very incarnation of hell suddenly becomes memories of things that were worth living. How could it not be? All the frustration when you're working so hard developing a skill and get desperately stuck once in a while... we'll all remember it with a smile.

I guess the pressure makes our lives more interesting. It changes our perception of time and reality and makes everything more desirable. The thought of food and sleep makes us crave for them. It makes us be more... well, I don't know, alive. We feel life more intensely, I guess. Maybe that's why we remember these moments with fond.

And then, after enjoying the relief of having a huge ammount of stress disappear in the glory of an accomplishment, we'll eventually miss that sweet challenge, even though sometimes it wasn't really sweet. Eh, maybe we're doomed to keep going through hell every once in a while and then forget the painful side of it, just so that we'll accept the next journey to experience life again.

Except, huh.. what if there are traumas?

Of academic learning

I've been growing too intolerant towards academic learning. And I don't mean it like I've got my complaints against it. No, it's more like I can't go along with it anymore. No, it's not like I'm about to start a revolution in my campus. It's more of a personal matter, actually. I feel like I won't make it.

I've been growing too tired of making researches and studying and learning and writing.Which doesn't make much sense, because my spare time is spent basically on making researches and studying and learning and writing and thinking and practicing skills (seriously, this is the time of my life where I least watched movies or played games).

I guess I've developed a barrier when it comes to forced learning. I don't know why, but the thought of having to read one small essay already overloads my mind to a point where I instantly feel like going outside to breath some fresh air. I've been feeling it building up, year after year.

Having to write some five paragraphs of an introduction to a paper already burns my mind like a torture. I didn't used to be like that. I've always procrastinated stuff I need to do, but I don't remember them feeling like such a hellish burden. It's not like this semester things are tougher than ever before. I don't remember getting so stressed by having to write one stupid text every once in a while.
Yet, in the mean time I've probably laid some thousands of words on this blog in the last week alone. Yes, it seems I've been avoiding my academic writings to cheerfully practice my writing skills on some blog. I've even told myself it would be a good exercise because it "would make me used to writing, and make it easier for me to write academic stuff". Ha.
Why can't I direct my sincere desire to learn and be productive towards something that pretty much requires from you a desire to learn and be productive?

When I get my degree I'll spend like one whole year away from UFSC. It's not like I don't like it. No one forced me to spent my whole week there. I find the whole setting rather pleasant.
No, my point is that I just want to be free to learn.

I hope that when I go back for my master's degree this unsettlingness will be gone. I really do.

Of routine and health

I'm not too fond of our common recreative activities. I don't know if there's any trauma or what (probably there is), but I am not your party or beach guy. Actually, most social activities somehow drain me. When going to any event where I'm going to meet people, I end up enjoying the journey there like it's the time of my life, and when I'm arriving at the place I start feeling an agony like they're depriving me from the place where I am happy! No!
Ok, I'm exaggerating it, but it has already happened like that. It was someone's college graduation. Argh, all that fancy academic procedures, all that proper way to behave and stand up and everything.

I don't like huge events. I honestly don't feel good at those places you have to behave differently than the average day. And I don't think I like any event noticeably bigger than average daily events. Yes I'm lazy and coward and I don't like taking risks, but I'm that guy who simply loves the daily routine. I enjoy simplest things of life. I like everyday going to the restaurant at my university while listening to the same podcast every evening. I like to think the memories I'll have from this time when I listen to that podcast some ten years from now.
I enjoy having time to sit quietly by a window and watch the world for hours and hours, and reflect about every little thing that makes the picture be so attractive. Also, I enjoy walking. I really do, don't you too? That single set of movements, taking one step, feeling my foot touching the ground, pushing my leg backwards, the other one forwards and dragging it backwards again. I like noticing the compass of my steps. Sometimes they match the song I'm listening to. Have you ever noticed the how much more confident you feel when taking a steady striding? Or trying to walk at different paces? Or try to get the rhythm steady as you start climbing a flight of stairs and push yourself up while jumping a few steps at once and having the risk of misstep and embarass yourself?

Routines are usually seen like a bad thing, and while I understand the point, I also see the good side of it. Sure the idea of walking is not something makes people excited, but there's so much to enjoy of the mundane life, when nothing special is happening. Have you ever stopped during an average day, like you just awakened from stupor, and noticed that in that moment nothing is actually preventing you from being happy? All average events make me happy, like watching the sunset when you're commuting home or seeing people going home as well, seeing everything flowing. These are moments that are also going down into our memory lane just like other blockbuster moments.

You see, people value being healthy. But have you ever noticed how feeling healthy means not feeling a thing? You just know something is not right in your body when you start feeling things. We don't notice things as they are flowing accordingly. If everything is happening nicely, it's promptly ignored. We don't pay attention to our health, as we don't feel the health. If something breaks that flow, we awake from stupor and start paying attention to it when it's not working properly.

Maybe that's why we get the impression everything is always so wrong.

Of pleasant people

tThis entry is dedicated to all those people I know whose company refresh my batteries. All those good-humored people out there who lift up my spirit with their amazing capacity of making one always smile and have a hearty laugh.

These are people that, despite of their self-esteem, are able to sport an amusing silliness and unharmfulness that makes you just feel wholly comfortable by their presence. These are easy-going people who are able to always make fun of themselves and their mistakes, and don't spoil great moments with serious business like their ego. Most important of all, you don't have to be afraid of how they may react to every one of your words or actions. You don't have to worry about what they are going to think of you. You don't feel like you have to bother trying to look smart and cool to attend current demands. With those people you are comfortable enough to swear at them unafraid of them ever mistaking the joke as an actual offense. I miss people who can blame me and make fun of my mistakes head on, as we know it's just plain honesty, and I really appreciate that. It's how I know I can trust someone. It's much better than those who think I may be offended by all these silly things, and then grudge things up until everything falls apart out of a sudden.
Except the swearing and blaming, it's not much of a matter of intimacy. Some of these wonderful people I barely know. Some of them are just market attendants and public servants or simply people you stop by to ask for a piece of information.

But they sport these very essential things I need to call them Friends.

Of Mindtraps

Mindtrap is the name I created to identify fallacies, biases, partialities, inconsistent thinking, conclusionings, generalizations, sensationalism, understimations, hypocrisies and prejudicial thoughts all into one (I could go with Bullshitting, but, eh). It was fundamentally important to have a name that would take the role of being like one huge red button.

It was created mostly for trying to prevent myself from being mindtrapped. I try to keep constant vigilance over mindtraps. They're like the criminals, there inside my mind. And who are the cops, then? Reasonability, of course. Sheer reasonability. Years ago I've unconsciously started doing more tangibly something I've been calling Antithesis Thinking and just lately I've learned it was also called doublethinking. The main idea is to hold two opposite views in your head, like those Angel and Devil on Your Shoulders discussions. Another obvious thing that works wonders after you realize its fundamental importance. It might be a little stressful as there'll always be a voice telling you might be wrong wrong wrong, but it's worth it.
But still, like real crime, one can't be too careful. Neither 100% safe. It's like our natural behavior to go bullshitting all over the place. It's amazing. You know it, you know the internet. Mostly, you know yourself. You should, at least. You know our tendency to fill the gaps with incomplete information we have.

Ignorance and arrogance fuel mindtraps. Have you tried complaining about something you don't really know nothing about but you assume you have because IT'S TOTALLY WRONG? We all do that. Even today, even when we are constantly trying not to.
I'll go with an example of myself: once I had to slow down the car to half the speed in front of the police station and I was all like "This is outrageous, this is sheer hypocrisy! How dare them to make us slow down like obedient sheep right in front of them when less than one mile from here everybody is going to be rushing like the devil all over again?" And my father, by my side, just said "They do it to have the cars visible for identification", and that day I learned my lesson. Yeah, this big boy here just fully learned this lesson this year. Sure I knew how important it was before that, but, yeah, we need the punch to learn it. The worst thing is, I'll probably keep doing this same kind of mistakes.


And that's one big drawback to mindtraps: the paranoia. Anything could be a mindtrap. Identifying mindtraps could be a mindtrap itself (see the paradox lurking over again?). One could go insane and shut his mouth forever out of fear of saying any kind of bullshit ever again. We can't avoid them bullshits. We can try, but we will always be ignorant, misinformed people (or do you think that avoiding the evil mass media is the only thing you have to do to avoid misleading information?).
I don't want to make generalizations and go all "everybody is like that nowadays", though it would be amusing to end this very topic that way, but, seriously, I have to shut off my anti-mindtrap system, for I feel like I have to leave a message for us, here, now. We need to be more tolerant. Let's not get into an unnecessary rage for every dumb thing we see being said. So what if there's a lot of bullshit being said on Youtube comment sections. We probably hate it more because of the trend telling us they're all stupid people, more than they actually are. A little more patience, I ask.
Let's not understimate and just stop talking with every person we meet because this or that bullshit they say, lest it happens to you. We can try being less sure of the things we think. It doesn't really hurt. Let's stop pretending we know everything. Let's stop thinking we can criticize and doubt everything.We can't. What we are forgetting to do first is to question everything. There's one world of a difference there.
Yeah, I know the paradox and hypocrisy of being too sure when talking we can't be too sure, or criticizing people who criticize everything, but fuck, that's too much for my head to think of a way to overcome this circle of doom.


This topic is far from over, but I'll stop it here for now. My head aches.