Of Young Brother Syndrome

As my mind can grow aware of my successes and engage in the next aftergoal adventures, it can become increasingly more exigent. It is telling me now, through quintessential signaling, that I should be going out in the world and being more active. But somehow, this thought made my guts wrench in fear.

It’s definitely one of my worst flaws. Depending on my state of mind, I’m terribly afraid of the world. After all, I’m a weakling. Those like me can’t bear any influence over anything. I am too shy and clumsy. I am too pathetic and laughably unexperienced on the ways of the world.

When this feeling strikes me I feel but like a fraud. Suddenly, my intense, burning desires are no more. I know people who are actually intense and that have life pulsating in them. I know people who are actually smart and can make things happen around them, they are those who are actually intelligent and are getting somewhere.

And this fear can’t be won by making me realize this just isn’t true. Simple words can’t cure one’s deepest wounds. No, sometimes even doing something bold to try to weaken it can’t do much. After all, it’s as if a part of me, and can’t be removed…

Of frustratingly vicious attachments

Creating emotional bonds is one of the most meaningful exercises one can do, in my opinion. The only problem with that seems to be when this bond comes related to time. As unstoppable as it is, having expectations towards it can only result in an abusive amount of frustration and stress.

For instance, sometimes I get myself absolutely in love with some routines I’m having. Being surrounded by funny, creative and collaborative people working with me makes me feel like belonging, and it’s a very warm feeling. So this is not only a matter of time, but also of dealing with people that makes the attachment so dangerous. Knowing it’ll be over sooner or later makes me shiver.

As seeds of future motifs go, I get the same emotional response from my attachment to my own generations. Knowing of them, and knowing they are changing and knowing I can’t do a thing to prevent it all from happening makes it all a frustratingly vicious attachment.

Of sylvan and weighty ideas

Causal Adherence is an idea that I’ve been sieging for a long time before this sudden epiphanic insight to a name that makes me feel very satisfied and relieved. But there’s something to it that makes me feel like the exploration here is not done. It’s a neighboring sylvan quintessence that shows close when this one is around.

As hard as it was to feel this one idea just enough to try describing it, this other one will probably take a lot of time too. As they involve deep introspection, they are very difficult to materialize (which makes naming in such cases such a victorious and rewarding feeling), and this one that follows Causal Adherence feels even more massive to be comprehended.

This chasing of sylvan quintessences is what usually makes my mind feel so overloaded, as they require extraordinarily demanding sieging enterprises. It’s still annoyingly distant for my perception, and although it keeps on being this weight for  not being unloaded, my fear is that it might go into expiration before I can make even a little annotation of it...

Of Causal Adherence (or Aversion)

Though the Wehmut Process covers a good part of the crest theory for my understanding of the way it works, it’s still just a vague definition of it all. Alone it can’t do much, but there is this neighboring quintessence that is helping me to increase the understanding of the subject, as it brings together experiences that were somehow meaningful to the mind.

The Causal Adherence is the concept that the mind acknowledges the experience as the cause of its reactions. Depending on the effect the experience has over my mind, it’ll either adhere to it, or avoid it as a mean of self-protection. For instance, if I once had success in achieving concentration for writing trance by turning off the lights and turning on some black metal, my mind seems to suggest very subtly this reenactment for the desired state of mind to happen again.

The problem is that the adherence is rushed as it will bring together an expected response that isn’t granted to happen anyway. The core of the issue is how easily my mind has been sticking to this belief. It’s as if it has become way too sensitive to any patterns of actions and reactions, but this is not exactly welcomed. In fact, depending on the damage it can do (especially the Causal Aversion), I am afraid it could even be considered a mindtrap.

Of Aftergoal Sphere

Life is always ahead of me. While naming seems to me my main tool for defeating wild essences and emotions around me, new ones arise despite and sometimes even because of that. There are always new resulting haunting menaces. There will always be.

After one major challenge is conquered, one would expect peace is to come. And indeed it seems to happen - sometimes, it’s not a sure outcome. And even still it’s a brief and passing moment, just to be conquered again to be tasted a little more. It’s because, unfortunately, those new places to reach eventually become common place.

New trophies shine ahead, and whatever was behind is strongly refused to revisit again (even if it once had been exactly one position that I would once dream of). The more I travel life, the more I seem to be involved in this certain sphere-like projection circling my life. And in this sphere, there are some promised lands ahead, and some forbidden places left behind.

Fortunately, the previous state, seemingly inadmissible seems to be just a harsh rejection resulting of a vicious attachment to the higher place. As going backwards shouldn’t be treated like the end of the world, it would be just illusory.

Of Release’s Toll

There is an unexpected price for the release exercise in May. It really took me by surprise. As it’s starting to get clear to me, when I get involved in ambitious projects, it drains my energy. And my mind, scared by cause of the draining, will use its tools to avoid it in order to prevent further damage.

There was a very similar emotional response emanating from my drawing exercises. It didn’t feature this toll in the same magnitude as it happens in a smaller scale. But whenever I feel like proving myself by doing a more difficult drawing, the state of mind that follows is of a certain hollowness. And then, the thought of doing anything ambitious again is received with aversion.

May’s writing exercise was much more demanding and the danger was in how much effort I’ve put in there, just to find no reward for it. The disillusion seems to be proportional to the effort put into something. Fortunately so far I’m flying really low, falls are easily recoverable.

Then, the desire grows back, and the lead aversion and disillusion vanishes. That weakness and discomfort is gone and there’s strength again. Even if it’s unfortunate my thirst for development is debilitated in this relation between action and reaction, I’m sure I could find a use for it, if the reaction remains consistent.

Of fear and courage (disguised cowardry)

When I was a kid, people would say I was courageous for climbing up to high places without fear. And even as then, I had this little seed of thought that it wouldn’t be a truly honest act to take that as compliment. It was so easy for me to climb those high trees, I didn’t see anything remarkable about it. As it turns out, it takes no courage to do something you don’t fear.

And that’s a pattern that shows up when I’m looking for pain and managing my own falls. It takes no courage of me to do that as I’m familiar with the place I’m going to. In fact, pain is a crest of mine, and there’s no way I could be saying that just so I could fancy about how totally familiar I am with that. I hide in pain. To feel isolated and secluded isn’t so painful as it’s just well-known enough for me to know it holds no death threat.

But even if I’m doing that by facing my own primal fears, somehow they don’t come out easily for a fight just because I called them. They’re as if locked, as if my mind was wise enough not to let such contend happen. Maybe I just need to be insistent, and look for ways to invoke them.

Of the call for a fight

Since being tormented by those dark spectres, getting over them isn’t a truly satisfying conquest. It’s mostly because they just retreated, and will for sure be back for more. I have to keep vigilance over them before they go too out of sight for planning their mischiefs.

If I’m left here to enjoy this prevalent peace, I can only feel like tricking myself. I have to have those scourging fears right before me. Otherwise I’m sure they would just return stronger.

I’ve always heard of people saying that reviving our fears is to be constantly drowning ourselves in misery. It’s even common for me to hear of people who say they only care about the good things, the painful things are to be left aside. I don’t know if that really works for them, as I know that definitely doesn’t work for me.

It’s not like I intend to only feel the pain. I just can’t feel comfortable to ignore all my problems, it’s feels like cheating. It doesn’t feel to me like true satisfaction and happiness. And then, these adventures are always a new thrill, even though in the midst of the confusion we’re never enjoying it. But after the deeds are done I can honestly and profoundly focus on good things.

So, if they will return, it’s for the best that I am seeking them. I might eventually fall weak, but I’ll have the advantage that is to learn a little more of them with my unexpected assault.

Checkpoint #14

May was a month for expansion. Apparently failure, as a fuel for development, is working like a charm (I just wonder how long I can use it until it drains off). This challenge to write seventy posts first seemed like an impossible challenge to conquer (hell, blogspot thinks I'm a robot). And I pulled it off. Quite easier than I expected, actually. I think I wouldn’t have this many ideas to talk about, but in the end I had several posts removed because they weren’t even good enough. I cared for quality as much as quantity. But at least I realized that in the future I’ll thank myself for it  - unless this kind of release brings me to a deadlock. 

The coolest thing is how I didn’t even need to abdicate everything in my life for this. I’ve been mostly enjoying this complete Death Note collection I’ve found at the bookstore in most of my spare time, and still drawing a lot, and doing other mundane things, like socialization. I felt I could do over a hundred posts if I had breath enough for it, so the amount of writing I did without total abdication didn’t really serve me to see how far I can go, but more to make get rid of this unconscious refraining that was holding me back. Thirty posts are a piece of cake for me now, a realization possible through this exercise. And I can devote my time for an increased self-challenge. In the future I’ll be able to do more advanced and sophisticated exploits.

There were some big ideas I haven’t been able to put into words yet, and the reason I’ve postponed the Crest, Spells and Quintessences set of expansion is because I don’t want little silly texts about them: I’ve postponed them because I really care about them. Still, all these ideas I talked about were mostly cobwebs I wanted to get out of the way. However, I had some interesting ideas in this month. For sure the Delta concepts are the discovery of the month, though I’m yet to find how practical they can actually be (I’m going test it by improve details in my texts for my own use of them as Delta Stones).

Also I’ve learned with Dark Amethysts of the potential of using gemstones for my major crests (and the long quest is coming to one end!). I’d like to say how naming feelings after gemstones are becoming very attractive to me. However, I am being very cautious about not letting my overcreative energy to let cracked inventions to put disorder in this work. There are many subtleties here, and I have to be careful about them. It’ll take some time before I get them ready, because there’s another area of manual creation that’s somewhat more urgent for me.

Talking about future plans, I’m really, really tired. Although I’ve felt my writing skills have developed immensely from this month's martial exercises (and my eyes are sharper for arguments needed for the HK-47 Protocol), I won’t be doing this release again. No, this time I’ll do the opposite. It’s time for restraint. I am almost 100% sure my ideas are never-ending. Now I will try making an effort not to have ideas. It’s, uh, harder. From these last few days when I had May ready I already came up with several fresh new ideas for the next month.

No, although I plan to dedicate my time for these two thick books to improve my psychological studies, and also to live my life without this pressure (to test how I will be when coming back) and put some other things in my life into place, I still have plans for June. But if anything, I’ll work on fewer, much fewer posts. I need just limited leitmotifs to actually do some networking (seventy of them was too much, though I hope this skill was also developed by burning my brain trying to come up with networking solutions in may). For these fewer posts I’ll try making experiments of manual exercises, in addition to the martial ones. For instance, something I’ve been calling Siege for these massive sylvan quintessences. I want to train my mind for turning this Trance on in the right moments, or then to make creative energy more homogeneous along my changing selves. No, I meant IF I’m going to, because I need to stop for a while. I need to learn how to stop once in a while.

Of Delta Stones

The whole idea of having myself in contact with all my past generations can be a very useful tool for me if it becomes even slightly feasible. Still as theoretical as the Delta Falls are, these moments of recalling past essences of mine are very real, and I’m calling them Delta Travels.

One of the ways through which I can recall a past perception of life is to trigger it through mnemonic stimuli. Some elements in the surface reality can trigger up past crests of mine and make me briefly re-experience some very early generations of mine. Quintessences can never be this controlled at my own will, so unfortunately I’m always waiting for it to happen randomly.

As it deals with quintessential stimuli, these are batteries that drain and have to be recharged. So these Delta Stones I’m collecting can’t be used all the time, like songs I listen a lot during the month. Also, this little Iron Man toy I’ve bought that makes me like my 10-year-old me has to be appreciated slowly.

Here the boundaries of the concept of the Delta Falls and Crests start neighboring (and Delta Stones might be its returning quintessence if I’m not careful). But these meeting moments are more unsettling than comforting. After all, unresolved subtleties start bubbling the closer they get.