Of mid-year crisis

The notion of months is a cruel way to measure time. It’s short enough to go by without our realization, but at the same time it has enough weigh to it, especially when I feel several of them have gone by.

I wonder if it’s because I’m enjoying more the life I’m having now, which could make the relativity of time speed it up, but half the year has already passed by. It stuns me to realize that all these months have gone by so fast, even though I’m being really more productive and disciplined than I have ever been.

Six months is just one big amount of time, and I could have done so much more. I could have met so many more people, could have done so many more things. And yet it feels mostly like I’ve just been writing and drawing, which is actually not truth, but it’s how it feels.

When I was first preparing myself for 2012 I had some expectancies for this promising future, but it doesn’t feel like much has changed. But my life now around June, July and August has changed significantly compared with these months one year ago. The thought that bothers me the most is to think that I don’t feel better about myself, but I have the unconscious assumption that I still expect the same change for next year.

I think the cruelty of months can be turned into an advantage for the carpe diem lifestyle. All I need to do is to think of my life being measured in months, instead of years. Seeing the counting down rushing faster makes me much more scared of time running out than seeing a shorter amount of numbers decreasing slowly. And considering how things seem to be going, there will be a time when I will be measuring my life in weeks.