Of starry nights (when deeds are done)

I spend so much time procrastinating and leaving all of my projects to be finalized in the last minute that I very rarely have the time to appreciate what it means to have free time after the work is done.

I usually have one or two days of relief at the beginning of each month before I start getting worried about the new mission ahead. And during most of the month there’s rarely this feeling of lightness inside me. Whenever I look at something pleasant like a beautiful landscape for me to taste, I feel the guilt that I should be doing my deeds first. It’s not exactly guilt until it’s really late, but rather that feeling similar to the thought that you shouldn’t be looking lustfully at other girls when you’re engaged already.

The immense feeling of joy when I have finally conquered my challenges can be felt longer if I’m more dedicated to have everything done earlier. But it’s usually only felt only after everything is already published. Although I have to persuade myself to have things done earlier in the month, I have to rationalize the fact that relief might be proportional to the risk and danger I feel. Having it done so sooner than the deadline wouldn’t have the same feeling.

Still, my usage of time would be optimized if I have everything done in time. The burdenlessness might not make me feel happy, but it can let makes me enjoy other tasks without guilt. I miss having time to look at the starry sky for hours into the night without having worries. I want the chance to feel  the silent wind teasing the trees before the thrill of the next match.