Saturday, September 1, 2012

Checkpoint #17

August was a month for an explosive recovery. Unlike past months when I didn’t bring many impediments about dark emotions dominating me, this month I decided to show my own interference. I was tired of feeling weak and I expelled them. I’ve made all I could to avoid them Scourgers and didn’t let them take one single day of me. This was a month for Hephaestus to erupt in its maximum glory.

I was so focused on this release that it helped me avoiding scorching feelings.  I like seeing that I’ve managed to accomplish that, because even as strong as I felt, I didn’t have it easy. I had some severe blows to my ego but I kept going, so I dare next generations claim I had the aid of a peaceful scenario. I think that if this had happened to me one year ago I’d have one very, very powerful depression.

The power of discipline is amazing. I’ve written one hundred texts in ten days. Also it’s so cool to have a remarkable feat like this in my profile. But I’m afraid that this will bring an Aftergoal Disillusion equivalent to the size of my efforts. Those big events scare me. I better keep this low.

Although I started with narrow expectations again, this was a great month for ideas. I made unexpected advances in understanding motifs and trances, even if the toll is making me feel some aversion to them again. I started the month with so few ideas, but the constancy of trances allowed me to find ideas constantly, and the analogous characteristic of motifs made it easier for me. This month I had these 4 new gems, then these handfuls of axioms and worldly lessons, which I felt like cheating to get to one hundred texts, but maybe the axioms were this generation’s amulets for the needed protection, so it’s excusable. Even if I like how vertices finally felt like fitting in my texts and the inquiries are helping my thinking, and that I’ve brought the first seed I’m calling sensors, the four ways of life are my discovery of the month because of its refreshing tone. And, believe it or not, I have still dozens of unwritten ideas.

As I am feeling the toll, I don’t want to think about writing and thinking again for months. But while I’m releasing one skill, the other two are reloading with the restraint. And now I want to practice drawing and also go back to playing songs and develop my listening skills. Some whirlpool exercises would be great too, as I need to start some reading matters.

Though it would be great to go throughout 2012 with relentless and disciplined writing, I think I’ve earned my right to rest in here. I’m terribly tired of this, but I can’t really rest, and I need to figure out a way to do that. September is going to be an attempt to try the restraint for the first time, after two releases. I really have to try not being desperate about not having ideas, and I want to witness the absence just once. Judging by this resistance I have the feeling that there will be something to feed my thoughts (except I don’t need to have my thoughts being fed). Something interesting is hidden there (I don't need to find it now). I just have to be careful so I don’t get too used to having my mind still, and so preventing me from ever coming back. I don’t mind. Adventure calls me.

But this is no time for adventures, I have to practice restraint (preferably a complete one) so I can rest and reinvigorate my energies. Apparently I have to be stronger than my sense of guilty obligation for that to happen.


Now, I’m going to do something different, something I have always been afraid of doing. I want to ask something from my readers. There are not too many of them, but you are always here with me, albeit terribly silent. See, I know nothing about you. I don’t know your age, gender and your stories. I want to know which kind of people could possibly be interested in my ideas. So please, come and just say hi. I want to know you. I want and need to meet new people, and you are all from different countries. I’d love to start these new friendships. See, I’m not as much asking as I am even offering my own friendship. Please, don’t let it be denied.

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