Monday, December 31, 2012

Of Geometric Modeling

One of the greatest moments in this month was this sudden increase of my drawing skills by practicing the Planner’s Eye. It makes the actual skills rust slower but all in all this fourth specimen of mental modeling is giving me enough ideas that even my slow drawing skills can benefit from.

I’ve been practicing them through some sieging effort, seeing it everywhere, it’s even as if my mind is developing this skill all by itself. These are ideas regarding volume and proportion of shapes and geometric figures. It’s something that I can feel a lot in cartoon characters, specially Disney’s, but this sort of mental modeling of vertices can also be felt in cars and logos and everywhere design and visual creation is used (the modeling can also be applied to colors, tuning up its intensity, or imagining different shades).

That is one of the ideas that have helped me through the crisis of the last month even when I stopped drawing. Seeing those inspirational shapes around me has given me some zephyr winds for me to breath nicely again, and I have the intention of using these ideas for creation of my own imagery after so much restraint of creation and release of reproduction. The breaking dawn of my creativity is happening (if I can just survive this never-ending sigma storm).

Is the capability of seeing objects as blocks, basically. Geometric shapes help me understand the whole silhouette, or individual importance of smaller components. I see objects as a compound of these blocks, each one of them having their own sort of identity. For instance, tanks. The isolated existence of the hull, or the turret (and the position of the hatch), or then the shape of wheels. It’s about seeing the impression they give individually, and then mounting them to give the overall feeling a tank transmits. Or then, a lion head, seeing a triangle between his eyes and the nostrils, and manipulating this vertice (then it becomes vertice modeling). It is also something I see a lot in hairstyles, the way the hair volume plays with the identity of the face.

This is an ability that is very close to the other ones, and it’s something I have to be careful about. It’s very easy for one ability to suddenly become another one and back again. It’s this boundlessness that is very worrying, but only for the matter of categorization, as this is actually what makes new ideas slowly become apparent.

Of Mental Abilities Inventory

Introspective research has brought me awareness to an immense knowledge of my mind. Even if there’s so much for me to know enough about it for it to be under my control, and it backfires often, there are a lot of beautiful treasures I’ve got from it too. Unfortunately so far I’ve just learned they exist, but these tricks my mind can do are still mostly random events.

These tricks and secrets I’ve found my mind could unlock are going to be called Mental Abilities, because that’s basically what they are. They happen with enough frequency so that I know they are real, but not much I could do until now really made much difference to control them. At best I can just slightly maneuver them, but it’s not like I can’t exploit them for my benefit already.

One of the earliest abilities I’ve learned was the Mindwalking. Since always I’ve learned my mind lingers in places that I’ve recently visited. These are always places have had some importance in me, but even if they’ve commonly a recent place, it’s always difficult (I don’t want to say impossible) to tell when the impact is going to bring the mindwalking. The way I mindwalk is without my awareness, and it was a first person visit of the place, which is by any means a perfect portrait of the actual scenario, but it is indeed a reproduction of it inside my mind, so much that I can walk around, like steering a character in a videogame. But it’s more like watching the gameplay. I have never been able to control it as it always has to happen with a secondary conscience, and if I bring it over my full conscience, it’s no longer a mindwalking, but just some simple imaginative effort. It’s actually pretty much the same thing, but the conscious effort goes with more thinking to recall the elements of the scenario.

Closely related to the mindwalking, is the way two layers of mental activity can be fused to create a different memory or experience. So it’s called Fusion. It’s interesting how often I am just thinking or having a conversation or reading some article and latter when I recall that moment, it comes together with the memory of the place, because it’s only sometimes I can become aware of them happening. But the fusion has some potential I have never been able to master, which is using the fused combination to recall things easier. I’ve always been drawing in classes, but looking at the drawings I can only recall certain elements (and it wears out easily, even if I can still have memories of fusion from this history class I had some years ago). Maybe I need to follow the drawing in a linear progression, just like when I listen to some podcast on the bus and knowing the route I can follow it and roughly recreate the audio, or using the memory of the route to recall when that piece of conversation happened. But the effort I’ve put in understanding it hardly pays off, it’s much easier to simply concentrate on the lessons I’m listening instead of just taking the hardest trick. It’s an effort justified by the practicing of a skill.

Next ability is one that has an actually useful application is the Regurgitation. It works similar to the mindwalking, as things I’ve experienced come back, but it differs from the regurgitation of places. No, regurgitation happens with images and sounds and it happens mostly in bedtime, and I definitely can’t be in an Omega-Sigma situation. It doesn’t need too much Alpha, but Gamma seems to increase the power of Regurgitation (actually, it the regurgitation with Omega-Sigma has happened once, and I would just want those images to go away). And so in this moment when my mind stops the absorbtion and everything comes back. It doesn’t always look pretty, it can be like overflowing sewers, it can be awry things. But in this moment of emerging strange and wonderful combinations arise, and even though it’s beyond my control, these creations are always inspiring. The musical regurgitation, the RMUS, is the biggest prize, almost like an ability itself.

And then there’s the star of the abilities. It’s Musical Quintessence, the QMUS that differs from the RMUS. It’s the trickiest ability so far, because it always comes completely unforeseen. It’s always engulfs me in a feeling of excitement, but it’s also always a brief, a very brief trip. So, it is one of the songs I feel so potent I don’t actually know if it’s a very intense emotion with hints of a regurgitated song I can’t possibly recognize, or if it’s my soul actually expressing itself with notes (a language it could have learned after so much time listening to music). I’ve once experienced a musical quintessence listening to a song already, so the topic is debatable.

A strange ability which I was only able to experience shortly enough for it to get a name but not enough for me to study it proper, was what I was calling Wide-awake Dreams. As far as I can remember and relate to what I tried to delta-retrieve, it was some strange hallucination that felt like a dream while been, well, wide-awake. It sounds pretty self-explanatory, but it feels much stranger than that. It would work by having an emotional response towards something and the usual interpretation of reality that happens in dreams would happen instantaneously. It doesn’t actually feel like flashing into another reality but just a strange feeling that it has been real, which is the same feeling when we wake up emotionally affected by dreams. There are moments when I get exposed to a crest and the whole mess brings peripheral associations in my mind, sometimes pretty clear images, and I guess it’s related to wide-awake dreams, but that’s just one slightly intensified version of how crests usually work.

And then there’s the visual abilities I call Mental Modeling. It’s about I remember dividing it in three, the first one being the regurgitation that is the almost entirely automatic creation of images. Then there’s the Modeling of Vertices, which is something I have more control over it, and it’s when I create something based on an actual creation, and I just feel it enough to play with its shape in my mind. And the one that is probably my favorite ability I have as common as it is, that is the Pareidolic Modeling. The reason I like it is because I am seeing something that is a creation of mine in a random shape. It gives me a good feeling as it’s the power of the Axiom of Creation. It’s the joy of seeing birth.

One of the latest abilities I’ve also learned to have I’ll give the simple name of Enhanced Tasting. It’s simply using my own crests to spice my tasting of things. I’ve discovered it reading novels. It’s called enhanced because there are moments when I can just read a word and feel its meaning so intensely. For instance, “wooden shack”, and I have suddenly elements building around it. Now I am seeing something fragile, and it’s night, and it’s windy and there’s a forest looking scary just a few yards away and I can even create a whole ambient and a story for it if I linger around it.

Now, there’s something which I don’t know if it’s just one minor dissidence from the later, but it deserves to be mentioned, which is how this enhanced tasting makes my appreciation of music change. I’ll call it Intermodal Tasting, because there are some moments when I can feel images by listening to music, something that almost borders synesthesia (which I don’t possess). It’s not even something about the theme of the song, or an enhanced tasting of the lyrics, no, it’s just the atmosphere of the song that brings an involuntary visual comparison.

And that would be it, for now. I don’t know if there would be any new abilities as they come and go on their own. Some sieging can help me delta-retrieve them, but the making of new ones is something that I can’t control. And even if there is anything new, I suppose they’re going to be basically a similar version of all I’ve shown here. Or maybe this is just a sign of me being narrowblind.

Of thalassic songs

There is a space of stagnation for certain ideas of mine. It doesn’t make me feel much productive as I can’t find new edges to polish and develop and I am mostly simply enjoying its presence. So it’s been some time since I last paid attention to these musical quintessences in my mind. All I could do was to think “yeah, another piece of QMUS”, or however it is spelt in the language of my emotions.

But lately, with this idea of thalassic levels, I can notice something interesting about them. Most musical quintessences I feel happen very faintly on my mind. There I can feel them like feeble and fleeting sparkles. Or a plasma-like feeling awkwardly and timidly trying to engage into forming a shape of itself.

There they are, very faintly, like something that’s out of sight, but letting a little tiny string to be pulled so it will come from these secondary layers of events. These little efforts of trying to push it over to my full area of conscious tasting (and quintessential disassembling and analysis) is actually quite tricky despite being such a simple request.

Of my (selfsourced) musical terms

If I know of the idea, what harm is if I’m using a different name than the official term for it? I try selfsourcing myself on ideas, but by no means I try to stand against the academic ones that exist. I like being experimental here, and as I like shortcutting my way to ideas that are too impatient to way for my whirlpool exercises to find them.

My point here is that there are some effects I realized in music making, and though it is not official and I am sure it has its own sweet Italian denomination for it, I’ll go with my own names for them while I haven’t found the right names. They’re few and simple and experimental, but I like how useful they already presented themselves to be.

One of the main thoughts is something I go about Aerial movements, which going for a higher note in the scale. It’s the simple technique of using that adjacent higher note that when accurately placed sounds terrific. Grounding movements is about going below the normal level of notes and going up again, and can be the opposite response to Aerial movement.

I call it an unchained resolution when the main notes are free from the arrangement of the riff, usually ending in an aerial resolution. The dense quintessence of the melody usually can be removed from these decorative arranges, and generally it gives a feeling of being lifted.

One other idea is about these main notes, these that hold the soul of the melody. It’s one of these ideas I have without a name, and the best word I have for it is Dwelling. It represents the instruments that reinforce these notes unchained from arrangements, and if well used it can make the melodies very powerful. It is about reaching that note and strike it with passion, and let it ring, and bend or make a tremolo. Dwelling definitely is the best moment in playing songs for me.

And the other idea I’ve noticed is called Lacing. It’s how I mentally refer to the little fancy resolution with notes at the end of an ascending or descending scale so it won’t feel like a loose end. Though this might be later fractalized, I’m also calling it lacing the other effect of going through a chromatic exercise and lacing it at the end with the proper rhythmic theme of the melody. The lacing can be the creation of chaining arrangements, and then it can be resolved with the unchaining with an aerial resolution, and there you go with a solo already.

Be aware, though, as I don’t want to sound like I am close to composing songs. These are mostly my perception of patterns I can see in music I listen to, and my application of these ideas is still pretty much soulless. But I am working in trying to see by myself how the combination of notes and different scales can give us differing emotional responses. For one, gypsy and middle-eastern ‘broken’ scales are incredibly magical and even my own clumsy choice of notes makes it sound musical.

Of revelations next door

The group walks over the hill and finds a surprising vision.

What scenario is it? How could it be surprising? Is it exotic, defiled, unexpected?

Creating expectation is one of the riskiest but can also be the most rewarding attempts at our disposal. It’s how we deal with the feelings of the audience, and we use it to our benefit, by lowering their guard with some Captatio Malevolentiae and surprising them with a twist that was all planned from beginning. But lately I’ve been seeing a lot of unanswered expectations.

So let’s set to find an “otherworldly” theme. Be it a scenario, scene, character, entity. How can the otherworldly expectation be answered? We need to specifically create something that isn’t like anything in our world, but the world is all that we are.

There’s a mystery or a deep secret. How can the character’s secret kept for so long be in pair with the built mystery? How can it be a secret that can almost be revealed but no one will ever be suspicious of? (hint: crimson gill-bearing animal)

Or then something transcendental and beyond all human experimentation. Are we just going to show a glimpse of it, meaning that is beyond what we can experience is the whole point, or will we dare to be more audacious?

Of Balrog’s Bawl

Lately I have rewatched the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I had my eye for my theories while doing it. With the converging advantages I would expect it could enrich my quintessential knowledge with the battles and dialogues to influence my own story. And although this quintessential conversion truly happened and it gives me some zephyrous inspiration for me, the journey brought me an unexpected lesson.

The Balrog scene in the Fellowship of the Ring is probably one of my favorites in the trilogy, and his appearance is amazing beyond description. I simply love when the beast would boost his energy and the red fire and black smoke emanating from him would get so much, much more intense, as if his own shape was more defined, I don’t know. And the quintessential conversion that happened was because when I watched this scene I had an emotional response towards it, and so an allegorical quintessence was created and I felt the scene being brought up to my primary wall of consciousness when experiencing a thalassic response towards something unrelated.

As a potential idea it came as the moment of perceiving a little seed, a thalassic, undefined seed of a response coming from something. Somehow I was able to intensify the response by doing this effect of intensification. The curious thing about it is that by feeling the scene of the Balrog it became easier to emerge the quintessence from deep thalassic levels.

The Balrog’s Bawl can be used as a tool through the use of spells, which is a very unruly technique, though apparently something like a movie scene converted into a quintessence could actually help me with them. But as it’s part of Hephaestus, it is not really strong without the Alpha condition. That is, I have to be at least around the Zeta Zone for it to work, and it’s only with increased Alpha and Gamma that these spells are easier to be cast.

Of Allegorical Quintessence

For a long time I thought I had enough of quintessence this, quintessential that, so I had been careful about getting into the theme again. But after some time there was this specific idea, that is absolutely no novelty, but it was making too many appearances during my thinking and I didn’t really have a name for it, and heck, it was a quintessence, so there it is.

I’m calling it the Allegorical Quintessence. This is the idea of the undercurrent patterns that make allegories and metaphors possible. It represents is how something goes through complex underground ways for us to remember something else when crests stamps share even the slightest similarity with other crests.

There is something about it to be related to dreams too, but I’m not entirely sure. I’ve once called Masks, and this would be how the allegorical quintessences manifest themselves on the surface. The way we get similar emotional responses from stuff is how allegorical bounds are going to be created.

However, the most important thing about it is that it’s through this that motifs and equations are created. They demand a lot from my allegorical knowledge, so it’s nice to have a focus on a more nuclear definition of what makes skills like drawing and writing behave in similar ways.

Of multilayer milestones (for string studies)

In order to get this string enterprise done, I need to keep a very solid method of transforming elements. It’s hard to actually to settle for one method, to know which one is the most effective, and I should not rush to find one,but it’s been getting clearer to me that at least cracks will be well-avoided if I have events in my life understood before the stringing.

That’s how the Quintessential Rule must work, after all. But despite being such an obvious statement, it’s hard to know what will become something in the story. And the point is that I must create those milestones that stand for big things, like second-to-third braudelian levels. Minor events are much harder to string, and are basically a fancy addition.

Once I get the milestones set, it will be better to create the layer of the storyline based on it. And it’s important because the original layer isn’t stained with interpretations regarding the troublesome seventh scroll. For instance, the events happenings in October were recorded mainly as a story called October Wars, which doesn’t explain everything, and the things it does is with the resources I had back them. Two months after and I think it was something different than the interpretation I had back then.

Those milestones are going to be recorded basically like my secret delta files. And it’s because I don’t want that part of my life to be exposed, no. It’s going to be just something for me to use as the outframe for the actual exposition to feel more solid and polished.

Of Ground Vertices

Cracks represent the worst problem for those in a hurry. I am in a hurry most of the time, mostly because I am always feeling like running out of it. And I know I can blame myself for trying such shallow dives and incomplete inspection of each subject. And so cracks will shatter every piece of work and make them tremble and threaten to fall apart.

So it’s very usual that I find myself lost in my ideas and without the faintest guess as to how to fix these that are not working straight. These boggy areas are what worry me the most, as I can’t truly follow my instinct through the words, thoughts and feelings that come to my mind and that usually have this glue-ish substance that make me feel I’ve had a nice realization.

These boggy lands, they are specially found in ideas that have lot of elements interacting, and even having new elements coming to the game and bringing chaos all around it. It’s when I think the Q.Rule is not so important and so I go about making scourgers out of everything or I go too deep into gems and dioramas all at once.

The solution I can find for this is by going back to the last place I am sure it’s free from cracks. For instance, as these proto-dioramas are getting me too confused, I better go back to dealing with the first notion I had about crest dioramas. That’s exactly how it sounds, going back to the last save point or checkpoint. That’s some nice use of gamification.

Of quaint distancing

Is this our history? First single-celled organisms, then evolving and complex life forms, dinosaurs, asteroid, first humans, intercontinental spread, recorded history. The Sumerian, Chinese, Greek, Romans. The dark ages. Renaissance, industrial revolution. World War One. World War Two. Cold War, man in the moon. Globalization, internet. Global Warming. And there you have the story of life and human beings summoned up. So that’s it? There’s millions of things inside that, but I feel weird sometimes about this very solid reality, like it’s missing something.

Once in a while I stumble upon this strange realization when something so mundane gains this aura of strangeness. Things look strange if you look at them this specific way. This world is bizarre if you look well into it.

So this is a name? These letters are what I have been my whole life? We exchanged these little signs for communication? We have our souls touched by something called music? How we get our emotions driven by notes going up and low?

We live in a world with two genders? Men grow beards and women grow breasts? Men have penises and women have vaginas? We go desperate for them when we get horny? This sexual urge makes us lose our reason, and mankind dutifully explores its economic potential?

I wonder how this is related to trances, when I have this strange connection with the world. They seem like… opposites, though not exactly a dual form. Both are a strange form of admiration and fascination, and both require a certain deconstruction of the world. The trances are, however, sort of meaningful, while this is a distancing that I can feel being driven to meaninglessness and purposelessness. Scourgers are eagerly await.

Of self-perception googles

Do other people see what I see? Getting our message through is the most subjective matter of all, simply because it deals with our subject. If we were to know exactly what the other person is going to get from the message instead of always doing assumptions, we’d have communication perfectly figured out. But, eh, getting quintessences transferred is no easy job.

We are all experts about ourselves, though that doesn’t mean being enlightened. We are always but so intrinsically connected with all we are, that there are things that only we can perceive. It’s how one becomes an expert and they can spot things no one can see.

This whole story I am writing, once in a while I feel so proud of it, but it’s because I know what it means to me. I know the meaning of each character because I live and breathe them. For others, it’s just another story. It can call the attention because of these string efforts, but not much beyond that.

It feels to me that if people would feel 20% of the things I feel when trying to convey my messages here, it’s already a lot. If I manage to transfer that much of my quintessence it’s a lot both for me and for them. And here I think of it on the other side of the equation, I wonder how much more intense it was for the artist who made the art I feel so intense already.

Of isolated vials for inspection

This is a nice place to make a confession: I love staring at the post counter I have in this blog. If I am feeling like I’ve wasted my time this year, I can just come here and see the overabundance of thoughts, the accumulation of words that make for a book already. So although I can admit it makes me feel good, I must also say I am careful not to feel like cheating just to look like doing something impressive.

I am not lying if I say at least ninety percent of these texts have a purpose of existence. They are all honest attempts in trying to understand myself. It’s just that when you think about a subject, and it brings a new one and when you see it’s like this already, the suffocating avalanche of vertices to be analyzed.

It could seem more aesthetically advisable to write as fewer texts as possible, and it’s not even rare that I try mashing up two overly similar ideas in one text, but it feels like luck that the way I’m separating subjects for isolated inspection probably helps me in the whole analysis I am doing, which makes another score for my Q. Wisdom.

The way I am dealing with it helps me focus and only talk about the very subject. And it’s good that although isolated, they’re all connected. If I am just able to make my Needlework more sophisticated, it will look great. However, I can’t do that properly if there’s always more vertices to analyze than I am able to even write about, let alone do the whole leitmofing, chaining and networking.

Of the everywhereness of my thoughts

A whole bunch of my ideas revolve around the issue of having ideas. This investigation on trances is the head of this interest. It’s about the hows, whys, whens and wheres. There is certainly a lot to be thought about each one, but lately I’ve been thinking a little more about when and where my thoughts happen.

When I need to write my texts, I sit down and look at the bunch of annotations I have for each text, and usually I find myself staring at the words, but usually they don’t mean a thing. The quintessence isn’t ignited. And it seems that staying there simply forcing the thoughts to come doesn’t work at all.

There’s one working pattern that has caused a certain adherence that is how I usually stare at the texts and try working on them, and then I go to the window or go for a walk, and as I seem to create a palliative sieging then I see the idea around. There it goes the ignition of the quintessence and I can analyze it again.

It’s not a technique that works perfectly, because there can be no trance at all because I am too troubled by other matters to concentrate on the issue, and if everything is okay and I have the trances and I might have a whole world of new ideas for texts and I get lost in the locking of writing that specific text.

So this is a good reminder to myself when I feel I have to be dedicating my whole time to this blog, when it doesn’t have to mean sitting in front of a screen and typing everything. In fact, I am most productive the more I am out there in the world. I always need some golden meditation so I can wrap them and the thoughts simply come when the analogies get connected for equations and motifs and ideas to come up.

Of Needlework Style

There is a style I am trying to develop in here, and I do it through leitmotifing, chaining and networking. However, I call them individually and the lack of a sense of group makes this style be feebly anchored in my mind. No, even if networking is almost like the main idea I have about the group, it still means mostly one aspect of the whole thing. I need some other name for me to work on it.

I will call it Needlework. It is catchy name and is a nice expression about how I feel when trying to insert connections among these texts. It’s what I think gives my texts a distinct characteristic, and I see a lot of potential in trying to develop this style the more I can. I expect to develop it to an excelsior state, and as time passes and I have more resources in these hundreds of texts written, it will be easier to connect them. There are millions of things to be referenced.

But it’s not only a style, but also a way to keep everything intact. In fact, as the number of texts grow, it’s getting easier to forget the actual reference, even if in my mind I know it’s been dissected or exposed already. So as I try to have previous texts in mind so I can make a reference to them, and having clear names anchored along with the quintessential memory. This way I feel slightly more protected against returning quintessences and having too many different names telling the same thing will always make me lose control way too easily.

One of my concerns about the needlework is about the readers. I think of how they react to my texts, though it’s mostly speculation. My purpose when doing this needlework is to give the reader the feeling of seeing how everything is so deeply intertwined. I hope it could create that giggle of the mind when I am listening to a soundtrack and a known theme is suddenly recognized. I hope reading texts featuring this style feel as nice to see these connections as much as it is nice for me when I perceive them and write these references. One of the points I need to state clear in here is how I need to focus in making reference more about the titles, as they are more likely the readers will remember. So the titles have to be the head of the needle, so even if they have read mostly titles and read one text, this text must bring connections to at least another one, or so I hope it could work like this.

Now, when it’s named like this I have the usual plans of seeing it more clear in my mind, and so I will be able to invest more thoughts on it. It’d be nice to think now I could see possibilities I didn’t before, even though a whole year has passed without much advance and I was never able to make the networking function even as slightly as I expected.

Of concentrating hub for creativity

There are many mistakes I do in here, but there’s one thing I seem to be doing right. Of course it can be done wrong within this right choice, never underestimate my capability of fucking something up. Still, the way I am gathering everything together seems to have brought one unexpected positive feedback.

Although I do it mostly unintentionally, having everything so deeply connected gives it an aura I’m starting to enjoy. As I am going to all directions with little steps, it’s no wonder everything is so intertwined. It’s all about thoughts, creation, introspection, perception of the world, absorption, more interception and regurgitation and creation. There’s no way I can simply get out of this, all I can think has a place in here and has its own importance, nothing gets wasted.

And as it all comes from my mind, I can simply feel when a gem or a flame or scourger is getting closer or if they’re the same thing, it’s the principle of the different layers of interpretation. But a little closer to this story now. It’s nice to see I have one world I can try my experiments and stories. And all stories I have can be stored there. All landscapes I can create can be somewhere in there.

This is about how all my creations and thoughts are like one little brick to one main building, which makes it more impressive, I think, than having every other little effort being one lost building in the lands. This way nothing gets lost. No realization, no creation is wasted.

Of extracurricular logistics

I mostly try to reach to all of my thoughts mostly with my memory, so it’s pretty usual I don’t quite remember most of things I have written (though if I look at them I suddenly do). There’s something I had written a long time ago, maybe still in this year, and it was, god, I should have named that idea, it was about following a path that works and ignoring the surrounding things, that accumulate in the corners or something. Damn, I’ll have to look it up.

Okay, it was called “background turned into sprites”. And there you go, that’s the name that will be important to use in here. Sprites. That’s about what feel we can interact in the world. It’s about the vertices that we are conscious about. Most of us follow formulas to get through tasks, and everything besides it is just background. I admit it, I am one of those.

But the right thing to do would be to consider all vertices as sprites. True, it’s impossible to deal with all those elements, but it’s the right thing nevertheless. This way, one’s chance of fixing problems goes beyond the unplug/replug or giving the machine one good kick.

This idea is about doing some more than learning the necessary steps. It’s about knowing how pieces in the Rubik’s Cube move with the set of movements, instead of just knowing the formula to change the cubes into places. It’s about knowing all about your guitar than simply knowing the notes on the bridge.  Or knowing how the engine of the car works instead of just thinking it just needs gas.

Clearly, this is something I only wish I could do, and in a way I am afraid of dreaming with it, or even trying and facing one more painful realization of my guillotined potential. But if there’s something I’ve learned in here, it’s that constant effort increases our range of perception of all these peripheral vertices usually seen mostly as background.

Of Spinbraking

It’s hard to kill old habits. Some say they never die. But as the obstacles they represent to one’s development, they must be avoided at all costs. The simple revival of old habits in a certain point of our path can bring a tremendous decrease in the dedication and discipline. I know what I am talking about because that’s precisely what I am going through.

There is an old idea that I used to refer to development that is the concept of spins. It’s about how after some time a skill will begin showing first signs of success, and then with practice these spins will increase, until it goes uninterrupted.  The basic idea is to keep trying and trying and making the number of spins increase. The problem is that these old habits shouldn’t ever be underestimated, as they can be very powerful in counteracting the force of the spins.

It feels like one of these motions against the natural flow, and the machinery that was built will be very damaged in the process. It’s amazing the heavy consequence that one little action can bring. And not only that, the cost to be paid to recover is way too onerous.

Of Tasklocking

Analyzing the vertices regarding my doing of tasks, I’ve suddenly noticed there is one vertice that is quite loose. It’s the part where I focus and concentrate. I really have a strong attention deficit, and it really slows down my productivity. If I can get it fixed, it’s one great victory, so I’ll do what I always first do: I’ll give it a name.

Tasklocking is a pretty straight-forward idea, so much it’s amazing it seems to be no returning quintessence. It means not quitting or even letting myself be distracted when engaged in an activity. When there’s the autotelic trance it’s not even an effort, as nothing actually feels like even trying to distract me.

Hopefully it works with the aid of a quintessence. The point is, it’s there for some activities or during certain states of spirit, but not in other moments. I can do it sometimes, a stubborn dedication and discipline. At other times, it’s a quintessenceless and failed attempt.

I am particularly afraid of this being another named idea that it’s hard to connect to because I need this one to have the Whirlpool working. That one didn’t work at first because it was a quintessenceless idea, so I hope the tool to fix that problem doesn’t sport the same defect.

Of mind-enhancing trances

Puzzles are one of those things I’ve learned to enjoy by aging. When younger I’d always want to be away from them. In video games I just wanted the fight and action, but the strategies and techniques they force us to create have become a very enticing factor for me.

One of the things I noticed now when I started coming back to playing Chess, Sudoku, Rubik’s Cube and other brain-training games is how much trances affect my efficiency in the task. It’s amazing how these puzzles or something requiring concentration and attention, and that I find myself stuck forever.

But then again, I will try again later and I am seem to achieve this nirvanic concentration, and as I get so immersed and so easily locked in the task that the same thing that would be such a problem I am now solving and completing without the struggle I had before. It’s bizarre, actually, it’s as if I was playing something else, a different level or something, but no. I somehow really got to get smarter.

This characteristic of Trances of making my seemingly mundane mind get so powerful under certain circumstances is something that never fails to amaze me. And I see it more clearly in my main skills like drawing and writing and playing music. There are simple songs I can’t find the notes when learning it by ear, and other times I can easily pick a more complex riff, or then a drawing that sucks, and then when I am in a trance situation it all just flows.

Although it can be seen as a nice thing to have, to have my mental power proved to enhance when in a trance, I am quite worried about the opposite point of view. There is a variation of extremes there, and I can get really upset about how dumbfound I am when not in the trance. It’s quite complicated to manage going between these variations.

Of mysterious trance-enabling crests

The evolution and combination of ideas is something that happens very naturally. And there’s not much I can complain about it as they flow around filling gaps like water advancing over irregular grounds. In fact, I find myself very lucky my mind can do that without strict escort, but that doesn’t mean I should let them go as they want.

One of the ideas that naturally combined for me, and that I find too strangely convenient for them to behave like this, is how trances and crests can go together. It’s not something I associated on purpose just to connect loose ends, but I can’t let myself go through this without some inspection.

Basically, crests have this characteristic that is to call for being experienced, and sometimes answering this call enables a trance. It could be a matter of restraint, as a long forgotten experience, and being recalled usually reminds me of past generations. The trance could come as I remind of past dreams and sources of inspirations. The trance could mean the mending of a broken delta stream.

But the mystery goes beyond that. Some crests might have this trance-enabling power by exerting a demand over my mind that, there in thalassic layers, blocks my capability to engage in autotelic tasks. Apparently this crest will be there, somehow distracting me while I am not aware of it. I am listening only to a thalassic call so it’s hard to go precise about the origin or even actually perceive the call as a call. 

Of christmas crest

The Christmas time has always been appealing to me, and it has always meant much more than a capitalist holiday like it’s for most of my friends. At the same time, I can’t say it gives me the feeling of increased generosity, also because I can’t let myself think I can only show kindness in this time of the year. No, it’s mostly a sentimental significance.

The most important aspect of it is the seasonal spice. In my country we have this tendency to commemorate Christmas in summer. The usual heat makes it rather uncomfortable, especially for those people dressing as Santa Claus, but there’s something about the air that makes it feel very captivating to me. One of these things is all these scents in the air, the smell of Jasmine flowers or the fresh smell of cutting grass. There is a special taste about the wind too.

And also there’s this feeling of slavic culture to it, which can be from these pine trees we’d pick for our Christmas tree, trees that I can swear they have to be in a region around Poland or something. But there is some slavic spice over the visual reference of the characters in the Nativity scene figures we used to have, the three kings following the bethelem star, the animals, joseph and mary around baby jesus and the animals around the manger. Also, all these Christmas lights make it look very magical and inviting to me.

But I can’t say that the spirit of present-day Christmas didn’t get to me by any means. No, these absolutely beautiful Christmas decorations of shopping malls have affected me, I can’t deny that. As I also used to visit my grandma in the capital of the state for Christmas, the holiday also has hints of littoral qualities to it. Palm trees, the sea wind, the sound of waves. I wouldn’t say it is much influent on my feeling of Christmas, but it makes me think of how it can be meaningful to me while being so distant from the usual snowy winter season of the north hemisphere.

Of crest evolution (gems and dioramas)

I rushed into the grounds of dioramas with a dangerous zephyrous enthusiasm. And after that I got into the thoughts of proto-dioramas and soon I realized how short of solid ground I was. So before I was swallowed into the quicksand I am here to try starting again.

See, it’s not like I am taking it all back. It’s not like I have made this many wrong moves. What I am feeling is that I used to have some sort of rope I could use to find my way and so I was pretty much safe from cracks (hint: the rope was the quintessential wisdom). The problem is that I rushed ahead of this rope and I got into too many vertices at once, I even faced the Rubik’s Vertices in the eye. It was tragic, tragic. So I need to find the rope to walk through it safely again.

Major crests are gems, and dioramas are made of gems. So it’s basically an evolution there. I see crests more as individual experiences stamped on my mind. Though gems have their own problems, they have a clear role in this hierarchy. Gems are bodies of similar crests, quintessential marbles that fortunately made it easier for me to identify the crests I already possess. I can easily get confused between gems and dioramas, because I can create a marble out of diorama and call it a gem.

The way I can seem to spot a diorama is when I have very clearly defined gems in it. For instance, there are memories I feel with a strong presence of zircon, peridot and garnet, and it usually comes with an actual memory to represent it, like some squares and parks from brazilian state capital cities I’ve visited before.

So, apparently dioramas are some memories created from several gems. They work like tiles in the scenario in my mind. They behave almost like gems, like they are together forming another independent identity. See, there’s this one, the morning sunstone and field peridots give a very vivid feeling of blue and green. Closely enough there’s some chapel, so there’s some garnet, but it feels slightly slavic, so copper. It’s not the usual garnet, but it’s the slavic copper very closely related to it, plus it wouldn’t be the same thing without the sunstone and the peridot. I think that this is what makes a crest diorama, when it’s sort of easier to be held unaltered in my mind.

Although sometimes I have a scenario in my mind, and it almost feels like a diorama, it wanders off to other scenarios or half of it changes or something of the kind. I wander through these trees with a peridot texture over them, and through them I see a chrysoberyl horizon. The wind blows some spring season beryls. I am feeling a building nearby that feels like Italian architecture, so there is some renaissance/italian copper. Night falls and the sound of crickets bring some malachite, and with the moonstone of the dark sky I am strangely feeling some onyxes too. There is suddenly some amethysts and now aquamarine was brought along, and I went from countryside to the litoral. These are dioramas that are very unstable, so they could be proto-dioramas.

Actually, when I think about it, these proto-dioramas changing seem to be the way one tile leads to another. It feels very interesting, maybe even more interesting than actual dioramas, because I feel everything coming together and changing, like actual dreams changing the scenario constantly. I find it so interesting that I’m almost considering it a Mental Ability, so I could use it for some creative purpose. 

Of Gemstones v3.0

As Peridot was one and only gem for nature, there were too many crests for it, so I brought some changes around it as I had intended. I don’t think it became meaningless as I branched some other gems out of it, because I have one very clear emotional response that I am calling Peridot. There’s not much else to be said about it, so off to them already.

Lately I’ve been in a need to define seasons more precisely, so there I have it, I’m calling it the Season Beryls. I noticed there was something similar to Chrysoberyl, but I guess seasons needed a gem of their own. So here it goes, the Summer Beryl I am feeling now (but I like it as a more serene temperature). There is autumn for this quite poetic, melancholic and sober tone of fall, with spices of a cold breeze. There is winter and its desolation and enhanced coldness, the night fog and skin-afflicting wind (if I knew snow decently it would pretty much be in here too). Spring comes with the increasing greenification, and the air and nature become lovely.

For the next gem I’m choosing Malachite. It represents the rural and the feeling of the simpler world of the countryside. It’s also that feeling of being far from the comfort of modern society. In the most typical example of Malachite scenario, there’s no light or fridge, television. No internet! Folks at night hold actual conversations at dinner. It’s a strange sensation of being forsaken, which, one day I noticed, in a lonely night it strangely made me feel slightly more religious. Also, it feels to me like it could be a stair, from Peridot, going to Malachite and then Zircon.

Cobalt is similar to copper, but something about the ages. It’s how I can feel the 90s, the 80s or even decades I’ve never lived through, but I can taste their spirit, which lasts until today, be it as a surviving layer of time or pieces of fiction like movies and songs. Indiana Jones has a 30s cobalt to it, and the original Star Trilogy, despite being set in another universe, has cobalts of its own production: 70s hairstyle, clothing, the face-of-the-age sort of thing, so it’s an indirect cobalt. Back to the future, is riddled with 80s and 50s cobalt. The 2015 Hill Valley is has the glam of the 80s cobalt. The 1885 version of Hill Valley, on the other hand, seems more like copper (maybe because I feel it as a different society altogether). Maybe the cobalt is the feeling of actually seeing time, so it requires a constant to it, the one society that we see develop through time.

Another gem I’m calling is Aventurine. I giggled at it for its clear invitingness, but later it actually became useful. I was just walking in the market and I saw this oil lamp, and suddenly I felt this feeling of adventure and daring exploration. It was a feeling like seeing this pretty, hot girl getting through my amethyst or pearl, but instead it was an oil lamp getting to my aventurine. It’s a gem that is a dissidence from Zhu Rong’s quintessence, as it’s the feeling of blood pumping in my veins. It’s related to Obsidian and Moonstone for camping out there in the wild, and also something about steel as I learn to work with gears, oils and stuff. There should have been mosquitoes in aventurine, but somehow gems have always been mostly about positive things.

Olivine is the gem for plants and herbs, flowers and leaves. Also food through the use of spices, vegetables and fruits (so it neighbors the comfort of Amber). Actual olive reminds me of pizza, which reminds me of restaurants, which reminds me of sapphire, ruby and amethysts. Some places and people I involuntarily connect with some scents. Back to my old neighborhood I recall the scent of pepper plant, which reminds me of my grandma and childhood memories (just like this sour scent of cedar and pine tree leaves and branches with that sticky sap). Though there’s also the scent of flowers (like this amazing smell of jasmine in summer time), I’m not including perfumes in here. After all, they make me think more of Amethyst and Ruby than Peridot.

And then there’s one that I’ve given some good thought to before actually considering, and is a gem I’m calling Howlite. It represents the effects of music. It’s how it feels good listening to some good instruments, and the forgotten feeling I had when first playing my guitar and that felt so magical despite the terrible struggle. It’s that sweet sound of guitar and the bass, and there’s something about some special genres, including those I can always relate to zircon, like grunge, thrash and progressive metal. Some of this feels related to the Lazulite gem, for some reason. When I am searching for new music I can find these other gems in them, like copper, garnet, opal and amethysts, but there are moments when I like music for itself, and then it’s Howlite I’m looking for. Now, the special part about it, and which contributed to the choice of the name, is because this has to do with the musical quintessences. Since I thought this feeling could be a gem, it started, as most ideas just-named (it’s common effect that should be named) being more frequent as I knew where to look for it. These songs I see are in my mind like distant howls, and I think it’s pretty close to what I once called the wail of a distant musical quintessence. I last experienced it in a Zircon and Cloudstone combination which makes me extremely sensitive (meeting dioramas is like having literal gates to a spiritual world). Two albums that seem to define this crest for me is Pain of Salvation’s BE and Ayreon’s The Human Equation. They were the quartz of my musical life, as they really made me see music with different eyes.

I started this with ten gems, and now it’s thirty-four already. If in the first version it felt so flawed, I think at least now it’s starting to feel a little more global, though still not something symmetrical. There are undefined crests around, and it seems that I only have gems for what I’ve charted about life, but the but it’s the very fact that the remaining are getting so deeply thalassic that it’s been increasingly more rare the occasional visit of a sylvan crest. 

As a side note from last encounter (which is the addition of Obsidian), I’ve decided not to change the roles of Opal and Obsidian. Although visually Opal makes me think of nebula clouds, I am not using images here, and Obsidian still gives me that feeling of otherworldliness.

Of crest-chasing craze

Crests have been part of my life not only in a daily basis, but sometimes in ah hourly one. It’s a concept that there’s so much I can observe about, and there are such complex subtleties about it that I don’t think I will ever be over finding new things to notice about it. But it seems to start become dangerous to my existence.

Going after them is hurting me. Unleashing them has been having a side effect I knew could be possible, but I didn’t think it could be like this. So as I go after them, their exigencies grow more daring, and being subservient to them is making them become like spoiled children. It’s about how deranged listening to my crests can get. I can try going after them, but they keep me going to dangerous paths and it can bring me disaster in several ways, even financial.

But what do I really mean by chasing crests and having them damaging me? Well, they have this call of them and it orders me to experience it. So a good song can appease it, or maybe tasting it inside my own mind, but of course, experimentation is always more enthralling than imagination. Well, the main problem is those crests-through-absence. They are absent for a reason, I never been able to get them. Some I can get to them right now, but there will always be things too distant, and it’s making me crazy. Whenever I have this crest here, I am wanting of another.

I think I’d better start the end of this investigation, as I feel this search for crests and trying to go after them is making me feel sort of paranoid. I thought I could try answering them, but it’s best to keep them silenced, at least with a very clear limit to their range of influence. Since the beginning of the year I had this thing about experimentation and imagination (I think it was in February when talking about Zhu Rong), but I am learning this quest for having everything experienced and my imagination so undervalued is making me feel really, really bad.

Of Erased Mind Effect

Whenever I find myself being me, all I have is a sensation without much of the interference of the past. I look back to the memories I knew I had, but somehow there are not crests from them, not even impacting moments. It’s a moment of apathy when I feel isled in the present, and it’s strange to find those delta stones that tell me of something I have in fact experienced. So it’s a t-shirt or some keyring or another that somehow survived time and are around me like layers of time.

I don’t understand why sometimes when a generation is over it suddenly feels like it had never happened. It seems to be related to how extreme one change of generations can be. A very steep turn in my life might make me feel like the immediate memories aren’t real. Maybe it’s something too big for the Wehmut to process immediately, but this is really, really strange. I don’t even think it’s healthy…

The complete situation is that I have the constant sensation that I have never lived through anything in my life. All relationships I’ve had, it’s like none has happened. All adventures, nights and incredible experiences and accomplishments: nothing. Indeed I can retrieve them, but at the end of the day, it’s as if it didn’t matter if I had imagined or experienced it. And that realization brings a strange relief to my mind, but I am afraid of relief.

Of the elegant dance of the experienced

I’m still too awkward in dealing with the world. It’s as if all my efforts in trying to deal with it backfired and I felt like I was just finding it out for the first time ever. I feel ashamed. Where have I been this whole time? Why is it that I feel so inexperienced about everything?

Being an amateur is like a stigma I fear of carrying for my whole life. I look at those people doing everything with such an elegance that I feel… blushing. It’s a level of professional and social dexterity that makes me feel both jealous and sad. They deal with reality in a way that I long to do myself. Sometimes I feel inspired, but it’s been rare (and I know it should be the right feeling to feel, but it doesn’t work this easy while Omega levels are this high). They work around making an excelsior use of the surrounding vertices that it feels like a dance.

And I am so clumsy. Even my working ideas show accidents that put me in moments of embarrassment. I look at something I can feel proud of, and it crumbles down. I look at the thalassic particles coming and… every single one hits me.

It’s a matter of time, I guess. I have to be patient and eventually everything will be as I wanted them (I hope). I just need to keep focusing on the flames and the axioms. Maybe someday someone will look at this and they will see it shining. The needlework done brilliantly, the engrish mistakes inexistent. Would they try doing it themselves? Would their restart the cycle or will I be the one getting into a crisis every time and again and feeling like a rookie all over again?

Of Axiom of Scream

When clouds get too dark over the skies, the imminent event is to enter rain. Whenever a burden of sadness gets too tense, one always needs some effective catharsis. There are moments when I can’t get proud of my scars, or when laughing can’t get through all this crust.

There is a moment for humor, but it can be misused if one is trying to avoid the storm. It can be very useful to eliminate immediate sorrow or clean the ambient, but there cases in which getting deep into it is the best solution. Letting the accumulation of wreckage surface entirely is one of the best ways to get rid of it, and it’s enough if it’s temporarily.

This is similar to the Axiom of Scars, but this is much more about Trygve’s actual spirit than that. The Scars are about the wound that doesn’t hurt, and even if there’s a secret desire to hurt myself, it’s something more exciting than damaging. The Screams, on the other hand, are about getting rid of it from the core.

Although I call this the Axiom of Scream, it means every extreme measure through which I can purge my chest. One of the ways to get it through is with tears, though I find it hard to summon them even with the greatest anguish inside me. Or it can be through violence in art, and it’s when I am feeling closer to the Axiom of Scream that I feel my usual shyness giving place to a much scarier and confident persona.

Of Axiom of Laughter

There’s been such a grief in my life in these past months that it was strange when there was this moment when I would stop giving it attention because I was so amused and entertained with humor. There’s nothing like being with friends and for a moment we can forget the storm raging outside and inside.

I will never stop being amazed at how much one good old laugh to clean the spirit. More than all these others efforts or qualities or achievements, one of the best things in life seems to be the simple art of making people laugh. Or smile, for that matter.

It can be so powerful and can be so effective in helping one feel less empty and misfit that it definitely can be considered an axiom. It’s even one of the most powerful axioms, and the one that is the easiest to get to. I don’t even know why I never included it before, and it’s not even like I am so rarely freeing myself from this frowning face.

It requires some humility, though, so one can stop worrying about future, or stop worrying about perfection. We never need more than what humble simplicity can already offer. One good laugh and suddenly the spirit lightens up.

Of Axiom of Confidence (failed)

Some axioms seem to be very distant to me. Maybe they are qualities I don’t really possess, but once I get to have them experienced at least once, I feel they incredible importance. One of these qualities is the curious and not entirely familiar feeling of trusting myself.

My confidence is very dependent on the feeling of independence. I need to have the sensation that all that I need is me, entirely present in my soul, and so with confidence I am able to be more ambitious and daring, which is fundamental for trances (I hope this doesn’t get fractalized into any axiom of ambition).

Confidence is also present with being comfortable, which is the reason I am rarely confident when being along with people, at least those unknown to me. Those social doubts usually are fought with reason, which unfortunately isn’t one of my strongest axioms.

The motive why this is axiom is such a problem to me is because it deals with my strangely powerful trauma of exposure. I’m thoroughly ruled by insecurity, specially after these months and when Zhu Rong got very strong and suddenly was stabbed in the back by the again all-powerful Ushag.

Of Axiom of Humility

There is one lesson I never paid too much attention, maybe because I thought it was well under my control, being humble towards the world. Turns out it wasn’t and it’s just because I did not have an eye on it, because I know it’s something I can be do naturally. What I am feeling is mostly the consequences of the increasing causal adherence I wasn’t careful about.

This is something that I am establishing now as one of my most fundamental axioms, simply because it can me feel so much in peace. It is not to be confounded with notions of conformist acceptance, but knowing how to appreciate what I have. Learning of that lesson a fire in my heart simply burns again.

Seems it’s the axiomatic blast performed by Áine that can defeat Ushag, Avsky and even Frosq altogether (such cool scene I’m imagining). Enough of pride and soul-destroying pressure, we have to accept the place we are in. We have to be happy with the people surrounding us. Living a little more in the present brings me less anxiety.

Of Axiom of Patience

I should never again underestimate the power of the Axioms against the Scourgers. As humility is very useful against the ersatz scourgers, the patience is pretty good against the zhàn scourgers. The passing time easily discourages me of getting into any long-term dedication, and it’s always a struggle to get myself concentrated again.

This is the needed feeling for me to keep doing something even if there seems to be no progress. At the same time, it needs some confidence that I am taking the right road, and there’s the weak spot again, making it all so fragile. Any little sign that I could be wrong incites the doubt that can so easily disrupt the discipline I try to maintain.

One of the characteristics of this axiom is that, when actually felt (and thus being actually an axiom and not just a vestian prospect), I am convinced that everything is going to be okay as long as I keep going, so the whole mash of anxiety and insecurity can actually be weakened.

This axiom requires a bit of a risk, so I have to be sure that despite these covered tops there will be a reward if I’m just perseverant enough. In fact, the moments when I’m least prone to be patient is when I feel it’s not a matter of a challenge, of keeping my patience and exhaustion working. It’s when it’s feels like I’m just trying to go through a solid wall by banging my head on it until I bleed dry.

Of Overcharge Blindfold

I am always constantly expecting to have my mind clean and free enough to work better with my ideas, to make connections in posts more sophisticated, to make everything look smooth and simply decent. But this overloadedness in my mind isn’t something I can just breathe deep and sweep it off. I know it’s pretty much my own fault as my routine made it get shaped like this.

Unfortunately this realization of blinding overload just brought chaos to what I thought was okay. I had the overloaded blindfold, meaning the things we can’t see because we’re too immersed in what we’re doing that we can’t see the obvious flaws in it, but then I think it should be something about the immersion rather than overloadedness.

Turns out there’s now an idea that would pretty much use that name much better, but I’ve used it for far too long to change it now. So I’ll call this one Overcharged Blindfold, and I guess it’ll be fine. Charging might even be more appropriate than loaded. And when I think about it, they are neighboring ideas anyway.

This is the idea of having my mind completely charged so that I can’t keep thinking further. When having my mind overcharged like this, I can’t even reason properly. It’s not even this annoying problem with my emotions, no. Although pressure can overcharge my mind, the overcharged state of my mind is something independent.

It’s only when I can be free from this overcharged state that I can feel like I am boundless to think. In fact, it’s pretty much when I feel free from thalassic chains so I can engage in trances more easily. 

Of Pressure Blindfold

Out of all blindfolds, this is probably the one that impairs me the most. And it makes me feel like shit too, because it always has to do with pressure from others. Although I can’t run away from it, I can’t also find a way to fit in and deal with it in a way that I can just feel free enough to think my trances through.

Happens mostly when I’m surrounded by people, and it prevents me from ever getting access to some trances that allow me to have my ideas. It’s the reason classes of all sorts always hindered me from actually discovering this sort of intelligence that needs so much this soul-reaching efforts for trances to happen, and to actually make my potential awake.

It was this blindfold that made it take so, so long for me to learn of my capabilities. It was only when I was coming out of college that I really learned I had a talent. It’s only when I was out of the college that I fully learned I could be someone other than one other lemming being dragged around by the wills of others.

This is the reason why I am always trying to do things alone. It’s the only way I know to be free from this blindfold. And I find it really dangerous, I really do, as I know of the drawbacks of the Tactical Exile. I know what I am losing, and this complete isolation can make me really, really, really vulnerable.

Of Macrotasting (punched by reality)

There’s a whole world out there, a whole reality that is too distant from mundane routine I inhabit. The life and events that surround me can once a while become so uninteresting that there are times when I look for these events of quartzes. But if I go unprotected, they can be extremely traumatizing.

Unlike Microtasting, which is how I am more frequently enjoying reality, there are experiences that show the world in a larger scale than the small routines that we follow. It’s those impacting moments in life, those experiences that create crests of quartz as we grow.

Macro experiences make us more in touch with the meaning of things, as opposed to the faint simulacrum that we perceive the world when in normal circumstances. For instance, we read about wars, but so few of us know what it’s like. We hear of famine, but we don’t know really know what they are.

It’s with a pint of strangeness and apprehension that I face these events that are too historical and impacting. The macro pressure can also make me grow weary, tired. In fact, there are moments, and they aren’t that rare, when I feel really scared about it. Something like personal traumas. 

Of Well of Abscission (nine notifications of neglect)

My latest depression has brought me so many things I’ve noticed were wrong with me I could barely bear listening to so many self-accusations I’ve brought upon myself. It’s something really terrible but at the same time I don’t think I should just forget about them.

Writing a whole text for each of them would make it consume too much time and I don’t think I can deal with them all in one month alone, so here it’s basically just gathering them, and they are all chests containing my flaws and problems. It’s some sort of Pandora’s Box, and they’re dangerous in the hands of the scourgers, I have to have them kept safe by my flames. But they can’t just be isolated or hidden, no. An early analogy would be of bombs needing to be deactivated, but I sort of think it curiously doesn’t fit in a medieval setting.

One of my main worries, and the most dangerous accusation is how much I’m delaying a career. It’s not like I want to do something that’s separated from what I do in here, but I need to actually be able to make a living of this. And that’s something that worries me so, so much. This should be more of a market-oriented enterprise. I am one year from turning twenty-five, and as much as I’ve been working a lot in here, I am not actually making any difference, and I am having absolutely no profit from these skills I want to develop. My first thoughts to resolve it would be trying to use this pattern-seeking thirst of mine for administrative purposes. If it could be well-done, I could actually be good in solving problems. Or then, I think it would be really cool to apply those ideas to historical studies. The problem is that I am finding a terrible trauma of dealing with the business world, something I was already starting to feel confident I could overcome.

The second most urgent notification is a feeling that I am lacking responsibility and professionalism to all I do. It’s one of the aspects that made the October wars so hard for me to perform a defense How could I tell I am not just running away from any obligation? Nothing I had been doing could be considered responsibility. I am mostly just staying on this blog month after month because I have such a clinging disposition towards what this place means to me. It follows the simple plan of laying out as much thoughts and I can trying to see how much I can do until I turn twenty-five, and that’s been a pretty unhealthy methodology as I’m learning the hard way. Also, I’m running without demands. Though I’m forcing my creativity and potential to generate ideas, I don’t think I can handle well the pressure or market demands. I just wonder if suddenly this place would boom and I became, I don’t know, famous. I don’t know how to deal with that, and I don’t even think I want that. In fact, I don’t think I have any true necessity of it. I’d simply enjoy belonging to any small group where I could make some contribution and together we could do something, but honestly I’d like the simple thought of finding a group of people to discuss about those things simply so I wouldn’t feel alone. I don’t want to get rich or successful, I just want to belong.

Third accusation is the lack of bronze engagement. Or, in normal terms, being uninformed of the details of the political, economical and social aspects of the world we are living in. The world is running out there, and I am dedicating most of my time in here. Political scandals, social manifestations, economical issues, and I am not engaged with any of those matters. I am not following the news as much as any sentient citizen should. I really blame myself for it. But honestly, all this time I felt I could never find something that feels entirely trustworthy, or being actually informative. Shouting some  random events that have happened in this day doesn’t seem to be much like getting actually informed like I thought it should be. I wanted something that would stream a line of connection, and that could show the progress of the events. (Maybe there’s something the world needs, could I do it? Oh god, the seed is there, now don’t get too hasty to create a sieging now, please, brain).

The fourth notification is about my emotional instability. It makes it very hard for me to keep going, or even to be taken seriously or to be trusted, for that matter. I think all this sensitivity is bringing this enormous toll to it. All this sensitivity I try to maintain in order to open anthems for trances is coming with a huge, huge price. It makes me exposed and vulnerable to all these black feelings preying on me. And it also makes me so much more fragile to get myself together and fight back. The tricky thing is the plan is too obvious: I have to be strong and not listen to them, or let them take over me. But there are only too many resources they possess that make their invasion so easy for them to maintain. The causal aversion/adherence to make me turn against my own flames is one of their lowest moves. Another problem is how I am constantly worried about things, which might show responsibility through the concern, but it doesn’t pay the price of the damage it brings, as it’s a doorway to scorchers. I can get stressed and impatient so easily and though in most circumstances it can be held under control, deep inside it still is corroding me. I’ve been learning how to take some deep breaths and let things go as they are, but it mostly works with more simple things, unlike the issue of dealing with my future. Also I am so worried about being here, wanting to be there and unable to enjoy the present, and there’s so much anxiety and I feel it damaging my physical health.

The sixth accusation is about how all I am doing is no more than silly reveries that have no relevance. I am afraid of my thoughts sounding too much like self-help and nonsense about mentalism. Considering I am so often expressing effects of my mind, and doing it in such an enthusiastic way and apparently making it all up from my ass, I wouldn’t be surprised if my introspective incursions were being seen as half-witted attempts to try sound like an expert in the area. Indeed, I need to be more scientifically-oriented in my discipline. All in all, I know I put a lot of doubts in it all, be it all mindtraps and cracks I try to be aware against, but a more severe dedication to build and systematize it all would be greatly welcome. I wouldn’t find it surprising if what I am doing here ends up being considered some esoteric work, considering I’m talking about mental abilities and some spiritual thoughts. I know my mind can do some strange things, but that’s entirely explainable by psychology, I don’t want telephatic and clairvoyant powers more than I just want to test the artistic possibilities of trying to work with how my mind revolves with images, sounds and other influences. I’m doing pseudoscience here, if that means going without any academic methodology. But down to the core, I know I’m trying to follow science’s main rules down to its core.

Seventh problem is about communication problems. It’s about how I can’t connect to others. I can’t concentrate easily in reading, and I think I have a lot of interpretative issues. When people orient me I get lost easily and don’t know if I see so many possibilities of interpretation of if I am just stupid, but I’m sure others do consider the last. Also, I don’t know if I am showing myself properly, I don’t know if I am being coherent, if there’s any eloquence in my speech or it just sounds like some silly self-help and some mentalism jibber-jabber. I am no longer able to tell if I am just imagining things or seeing any hint of the true reality anymore. I don’t know how far all that I am doing here is actually making any sense to anyone reading my thoughts.  Is it difficult to follow? Or is it too silly and predictable and already common ground? What is the impression my thoughts and ideas are having on the readers?

Eight is about trying to do too many things, but never doing one in a professional level. The problem here is about having no focus, and just wandering through all I find, and leaving everything unfinished. It’s about not being able to establish one main commitment. In fact, it’s about not being able to keep the decided terms on my hierarchy of skills. I know I should focus on my drawings, but I’m letting Hephaestus go around while Vesta feels frustrated about him. See, I keep thinking about little characters and I get my mind distracted so easily.

Ninth problem I have to deal it is about the denial of the pressure. It’s a saboteer mindtrap disguised as beneficial emotion. It tells me that it is okay to avoid going out for my dreams. In a practical way, I’m afraid it’s this saboteer behind the Tactical Exile, Brickwork and Campbell’s Refusal. It’s a really dangerous thought. It makes me avoid responsibility and professionalism, it prevents me from bronze engagements and event go for market-oriented efforts. As time passes by, the realization that I’ve wasted time not developing myself (thinking I was), it comes with one of these horrific crisis again.

And, gosh, I think that should be enough for now. I think there will be more of them, and I’ll need to bring them to this place, so I need a name so I will know what place is it. I’ll call it the Well of Abscission. As well for the room for String Scrolls, here I just listed them, they have just been brought to the place, but I’ll try to get them in better compartments and things like that very soon.