Wednesday, February 29, 2012
This Golden Flame represents the maturity, the temperance, the overall balance between conflicting desires. It’s the desire to keep pieces from overheating and keeping it all working, to make the plans work out as intended. The music that represents Vesta are relaxing ambient or classical songs, songs that ease my mind. It’s hard to find songs that doesn’t make me excited at the same time it makes me feel, or soundtracks, or jazzy, ethereal, acoustic and piano stuff. These are songs that are meant to calm down, maybe even supress all other flames, so a melancholy could be used if it won’t trigger Trygve. Pathfinder by The Gathering or Legions by Zöe Keating are some of my hymns to Vesta.
As a character, I think she could be portrayed as a wise old woman. She’d be wise and eloquent, and would always give advices and orientation to the lost ones. Though she wouldn't always be as friendly-looking as Áine would be...
This flame would be the true archetype of justice and balance, and it can really help me accepting my mistakes and responsibility towards my wrong doings and negligences. If developed properly I can use it to do things more wisely. And it’s indeed as it sounds, a flame that isn’t naturally as strong by itself as the other ones, but the one I must work on real hard. Amusing enough, this is a sign of her.
She can be influenced by Trygve’s notion of the wrongs to develop a realistic and fair view of the world. Zhu Rong is close to her as he’s the one who must take actions for most of her decisions. As Áine and Hephaestus are mainly driving and inspiring forces, she’s forced to keep them under leash sometimes, though in the end it’s their passion that is what gives her strength.
The Aftergoal lingers in my mind forever and I never managed to overcome the troubles it brings to me. Maybe it’s the society’s pressure that makes it so alive and present. It’s all about the now, now, now. I’m always so terribly anxious that I can never wait for things to get better.
I think the media we consume that makes us unconsciously looking for anything immediate. Sometimes the characters just need one quick realization to change and get the girl, the job, the complete aftergoal set. I always find it quite dull, the way the persistence is always ignored, and I hate to realize I’ve been taught to ignore it too. And I don’t mean the cheap books and shallow soap operas. Even Orwell’s 1984 seems to have a hint of that.
Now I’m living my life and I know that things take much time to work out. It’s a whole series of realizations, a good amount of failed attempts and all the time one must endure the frustration. The thing is, I don’t really remember the preciousness of this persistence being highlighted enough.
There’s few things more frustrating than the dedication that seems to bring no reward. It seems to me that there’s no much motivation to get things done when all the effort is done brings nothing in return. It gets even more upsetting when I feel proud about something I’ve done and yet there’s never any form of actual betterment that comes from it. It seems that no matter how hard I work, some things will never be mine to possess.
When I started Zhu Ronging my way to get things done, I’ve quickly realized that I’ve been getting to the whole Aftergoal business again. After all, when one task is done, there’s some other one, and yet another one, and suddenly the first one has to be redone again already?
There’s always food to be bought, clothes to be washed, mess to be cleaned. There’s always ideas to organize, posts to write. There’s always books I’m planning to read, movies I intend to watch, new podcasts being released, places that I have to stop tasting only in my imagination.
I’ve been getting tired of drinking coffee every morning, and lunching and eating again, and every new day I must eat all over again, and towards the end of the day I must sleep all over again. Maybe I’m starting to get mad against the logic of life, and that’s start to get red like a mindtrap, since it’s a routine I can’t escape. But sometimes it get’s really, really tedious. It’s never over, and there are moments when it feels incredibly unrewarding and tiresome.
I don’t like this feeling of day coming, day going, simply doing my routine activities of getting rid of accumulated things. When I notice the week is already over, and suddenly the month, and then the year is over and I’ve got nothing substantial done. I’m just so involved dealing with the routine things that there’s so little time left for working on a plan to escape from it, and that weighs me down.
Sometimes it seems like I’m doing too many things, and I have to abdicate of some tasks just to have time to breath the air and taste things peacefully. Maybe sometimes I just need the courage to abandon some responsibility and try to live through a whole day being completely reckless, just for the sake of loosening a vice.
One of the main flaws I have, and that I need to kill in myself, is how many things I postpone, how many responsibilities delay, how many possibilities I deny. It’s something that’s been around me since I know myself. It’s really dangerous to me as it prevents me from doing some work with the full potential it could have.
Dammit, I keep doing it even in this very blog that’s one of the greatest passions of mine. So many texts that could have been so, so much better, if only I had been seasoning them more.
This is Zhu Rong’s duty, as it seems likely to me they are each other’s archenemies. Unfortunately Procrastinator has been winning some battles. I can’t let that going on, though it’s hard to fight it when procrastination isn’t exactly always the same feeling. Sometimes I can identify the emotional responses and it makes it easier for me to cast a spell that make them glow red as a mindtrap, but when it comes for Procrastinator, it’s hard to know I’m feeling procrastinating…
So much time I’ve spent thinking about things in my head that it almost seems like I forgot how it is to actually taste them. It’s something I have to change, I have to stop wondering so much and actually doing things. I have to stop thinking about trying to go out at night and actually do that, and feel how it actually feels like.
Even the smallest of the experiences sometimes seem much more intense and satisfying than all the wildest dreams. Maybe it’s exactly because I’ve been locked in my room that the reality in its simplest ways strikes me so intensely. It seems the isolation increases perception.