Friday, November 30, 2012

Of Älcke’s little sister

‘It’s been so long, sister. I could say I almost didn’t recognize you.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You look so different from who you used be. What is happening to you?’

‘You know very well what is happening to us.’

‘Really? You really think it is our fault?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You must remember who you used to be before all of this. Haven’t you realized those friends of yours are corrupting you?’

‘I dedicate myself to their cause because I identify myself with them. I trust them.’

‘Their cause is corrupting your identity. You are losing what you are in the name of their quest. I am trying to help you here, little sister.’

“I don’t trust you and your intentions, Älcke.’

‘That’s what I am talking about. We used to get along so much better before you met those people. So tell me, why don’t you just accept us as we are? Isn’t it conflicting you want it to be changed?’

‘No, you have my principles undervalued. I can’t conform with that. Such waste makes me uneased.’

‘No, it’s not uneasiness. You feel disgusted by us. You don’t want to be near us. You say you like us, but it’s just when you’re distant. How do you deal with that?’

‘Stop provoking me, Älcke. Please let me go.’

‘Just wait and the moment will come, Áine.’

Of four reigns (four cultural themes)

As I can grow used to all these character-forces I am dealing with, slowly I can find their similarities and a quintessential marble starts being formed to define the group that grows more and more edged as time goes on. Luckily, they are getting in shape of a story with a decent harmony with their quintessential shapes.

And so all matters regarding time for now on I’ll try to use asiatic names for the reign I’m calling Zhàn Empire (which is a Chinese word that I tried to make sure it can at least slightly resemble occupation – I wanted something one word that could mean ‘the lasting one that stands over the fallen enemies of the south’). This is my chance to show my adoration to asian cultures, like Chinese, Japanese, Korean or Mongolian, or even some Indian or, huh, those dozens of small countries around. The choice of asian theme is mostly because there are the long-lasting civilization of our world, and the asian religions seems to me the ones that deal well with notion of time and death.

Sfayi’s reign, whenever I feel it’s due, I’ll try to resort to middle-eastern names for all this reality that also feels too far from me. Sfayi means “the one who gives pleasure”, and it comes from the graphic novel called Habibi, and in this story lies a contrasting difference between the richness and poverty. There are literal walls putting the rich and poor apart. It’s interesting to see a woman in power in a muslim-inspired reign, but the situation is actually perfect as it is. For now I think I’ll call it Lazurin,which actually sounds French, but French is a cute language and it fits the concept of this reign. The name isn’t really fitting, but that’s a good test without risking much.

The reign and clans actually closer to me are those of Ushag, Frosq and Raseri, which are more brute and crass (conveniently below Sfayi’s lands). I try to use Germanic names for them, because they feel raw and crude to me. But I’ll take ideas from Nordic folklore or other Scandinavian and Celtic and even some Slavic names. There is a lot of complexity in the arrangement of characters in here as there seems to be at least three different clans without a defined sovereignty. But I think I’ll give it one name for them: this is the Ersatz region, which stands in the way of the Lazurin kingdom.

So, while Zhu Rong comes from an Asiatic reign, Áine and Trygve came from the Germanic one (Áine is the name of an irish goddess, while Trygve is a Scandinavian name), Hephaestus and Vesta come from the reign that is actual the reign that fights against the others, and is the headquarter of the Fire Ensemble.

If Hephaestus was called Vulcan, he and Vesta would both be roman gods (not that Vulcan will really be less greek), but hey, Roman Empire is greatly based on the Greek culture. They can be like master and disciple in this Greco-roman inspired reign. Hell, this even explains the references to renaissance I have for the definition of the blog.

So I started searching for latin-named cities. Somehow those starting with ‘L’ felt good. And soon, another sparkle of clever creativity came to me (as I’ve reached high Alpha-Gamma levels, and over 750t in trance), a name that would indicate the presence of a lion (why lion? It was a choice made of Q.Wisdom, I don’t know). It would be leo-something, but I couldn’t find the later part. Could be Leorium, but I can’t decide this early. It could also be something around Ilion or Ilium (Troy), some word that goes around the words idyllic or elysian.

As a working name, I’ll stay with Ilium, as I can also use some inspiration from the Greco-trojan wars. Scourgers will have their victory either by defeating Hephaestus, or bringing Trygve to their side (and he could be one true Trojan horse – great, I can ever force their pronunciation close), but maybe it’s the woman they’ve lost to the enemy, Áine, they want back.

In conclusion, following the north and south rule, it is apparent to me that the city of Ilium is in the south, while there’s the Ersatz region above it, and then the Lazurin reign, and more distant, maybe to the west, lies the Zhán Empire. If there is a change to come, I’ll deal with it further. 

Of Zhàn Empire

In my mind lies a hovering menace over all. It’s not constantly present, and even its perception isn’t always scorching, but it is something I can’t fight against. And so, with a presence so abstract and distant, it’s only rarely that I feel it dreadful. The Zhàn Empire is a fit representation for it, my scourging perception of time. It represents the world and its lastingness in comparison to my mortal efforts.

Now, according to the nature of Scourgers, this wouldn’t merely represent time, but the ominous pressure it can be over me (just like Sfayi and Qareen aren’t to represent people out there, but how interaction results inside me). As I’m not frequently brought down by notion of time, it’s as if the Zhàn Emperor is not even finding my Flames more menacing than flies. There is, however, a feeling of urgency I feel constantly, and this could be represented through the aura of menace with rumors and morbid incidents happening in unsuspecting nights.

Although there could be agents from that Empire I can call Scourgers and that are more frequent to me, like the recent appearance of Hakr. The interesting thing about it is that the Lead Army isn’t belonging to that Empire. Although it is related to Hakr, possibly the emperor, it doesn’t feel much like a matter of time pressure. It is a force that Frosq and Ushag exert dominance.

However, the most important aspect about this empire is the idea that Zhu Rong comes from there, and voilà, the main discrepancy of the Fire Ensemble is finally resolved.
I think I’ve made a jump too big in definition, and making Zhu Rong having this origin is more aesthetical choice than a quintessential definition. So who Zhu Rong was there it is still a mystery to all, including myself.

Of Hakr’s Hourglass

Although I started feeling it in early November days, I know this realization it is related somehow to October Wars. The way it was first told it wasn’t really accurate, so this terrible new scourger could have been present there. Or it could’ve been exactly the reason behind Frosq’s grin. It could have meant the entrance of this new scourger, whom I am calling Hakr. And indeed the true awakening of this feeling has changed something in me.

Hakr means to me the burden of mortality, and this quintessence shares an incredible similarity to the feeling I call Frosq, as I question what’s important and meaningful to do in life. But there’s no need for a RQ Trial, as they are only neighboring quintessence, because Hakr is about the finiteness of my time, the strangely powerful realization that it will all be gone one day. All life, all joy, all friends, all struggles and worries. And everything dies and the planet will keep rolling around the sun.

It has changed something in Hephaestus, as he was cursed with the strong realization of limited time. This curse is represented with an hourglass to symbolize Hakr’s meeting with Hephaestus. Strangely, instead of making Hephaestus just rush against the ominous sandfall, it brings him immobile and sad. He’s been pale and quiet in a manner that makes all worried.

If the terrible Hephaestus’ Fever wasn’t already caused by this before I realized it, it at least made it much more aggravating. It makes all the zeal I have for all of the world suddenly zilch down low, but even when it seems there’s a recovery coming back, the Hourglass is always there to make him remember it wasn’t just a bad dream.

Of Scourgers (revalued)

There is one theme that is getting a defined shape, and I should explore it better in the future when it comes more solid, which is the strange increase of strength after every idea is defined and named. And the pursuit for identification of Scourgers is related to that, and I am afraid this is what could giving them this much power.

It’s not hard to think that paying attention to them is some sort of subtle self-sabotage, as their presence is just harmful to me and I am here giving them roof and food. Maybe what I should do is to just ignore them, as my attention feeds them, and this ether tendency of mine doesn’t help me at all. At the same time, they can always find a way to resurface again exactly when I try to ignore their presence. Each time I try to silence them it just makes them return stronger.

And lately, now they’ve been damaging me so constantly, I wonder what kind of move I have to make to bring them down for me to breathe again. As these scourgers swiftly take the reigns of my thoughts, it’s hard sometimes to realize I am just not making any action to hold them off. My recovery is usually when the flames got their recharging restraint and so it’s easier to use them and get myself together again, but lately it’s been so hard to maintain the burning of the flames, and it might just be this breach between the stability of generations, and this new one is probably the greatest change of generation I have ever come through.

But there’s something I’ve been thinking. This compilation of negative emotions could have some purpose to it too. It could be useful for other people, as they could get comfort in having their feelings being understood by someone else. It makes the autotelic dedication harder to fit me, as I can only hope it could possibly work.

Of Fire Ensemble (revisited, revalued and pictured)

It’s a whole year now when I first came up with the Fire Ensemble, and I am really amazed by how much it has grown in one year. From that force called Hephaestus now there’s a whole world around him. Actually, in one year it could have been a truly full world, but the creation seems to be increasing exponentially from now as I get the hang of strings.

The members of this team seem to be getting a better definition by now. As they grow into characters beyond deitification of their earlier phases. Áine and Vesta aren’t no longer simple quintessences of love and reason. That has to keep being their main traits, but one can be flawed, the other one can throw tantrums too. That makes them more interesting as I follow the storyside inclination. I am thinking about not having them having much difference of age. Vesta is to be a master of Hephaestus, so she must be a little more aged than him. Something tells me Áine, Trygve and Hephaestus would be the same age, unruly youngsters, while Zhu Rong and Vesta are slightly older, but it’s just one more combination from hundreds I’ve thought already. One day one will serve both the Q. Rule and the first String Scroll.

Also, in the last month, I feel as if they were failing on me. A huge trial was installed for all of them. Hephaestus felt to be the cause of the October disaster, but also Vesta was irresponsible and also allowed it to be uncared-for. Áine has been lacking power too, just like Trygve has been powerless and more prone to vain hate, though he was his prime to be strong in the manner that elected him as a Flame instead of a Scourger. In fact, in the whole situation, Zhu Rong is who somehow remained firm (that is, I’ve been finding energy to face the situations of this brand new life). And since last month, he’s been coming through a significant change. I remember that throughout the year he was the one that was mentioned the least, but now he’s proven his great worth.

Last, I’m starting to slowly develop them from vague thalassic shapes in my mind. It is easy to find an image for them, but I don’t want the Creator’s Paradox to be created. Also, the five flames show Rubik’s Vertices because of their interdependence. There must be a harmony for the five designs, and if I find a picture for Vesta or Zhu Rong, but they can’t be sound off with Hephaestus and Áine.

As for guiding reference, the “team avatar” from Nickelodeon’s Avatar has been inspiring to me. At least the adult version of the original team of Avatar Aang (shown in Legend of Korra). Here is the picture that I will inspire the Fire Ensemble on.

Trygve feels like Toph with this somber, dark green tone. Zhu Rong can be quite like Zuko in his asiatic-themed armor, but with some bluefication. Hephaestus is to be youthful like Aang, but maybe shorter. I feel Vesta has to stand taller than him. Áine has always felt to me like a delicate elf-like, Galadriel-style woman, but maybe that could go against the sixth scroll, which I hope will serve me as a guide for next advances.

Of String Scrolls

My ambition grows with the possibilities that appear with this story to be told. So not only I want my emotions to be turned into characters, but I also intend to create the events from that world to be based on events from my life. Every step must be slowly calculated as here I’m dealing with Rubik’s Vertices. Every miscalculation will affect negatively its surrounding aspects. So I want to create here some sort of rules for me to follow when developing this project.

One of the most relevant things I’ve been noticing - and its subject will be the first scroll to record ideas and doubts about this theme - is the importance of the story as a story per se. I want the Creator’s Paradox to be avoided the most I can, and every little element and event being represented in the story. But the tale has to be given more importance than quintessential materialization. That is, there is no point in having a perfect materialization if there is a story without a flow. So, how this Fire Ensemble could work in a story if I can no longer be condescending to the idea they are just emotions inside me, but actual characters living in a world?

The second scroll refers to the thoughts on how events can be represented in the story. After all, not all events in my life can be direct events in the story, or at least not for now. They are, though, how they reverberate inside me. But how do I explain the rise of Älcke without a triggering event inside me? Or then, moving out in real life isn’t to be a retreat to a distant land like I thought in the October Wars. In fact, the war was still on (and still inside me). But I had the courage to have this new adventurous and challenging generation, so it could be like Zhu Rong had managed to find strength to run the defenses for some more time. And it’s failure and disappointment with my skills that brings up Ushag, but inside the story, what would represent his own ascension and increased power?

The third scroll is about dealing with essences and characters. For instance, Áine is supposed to represent love and empathy, but it can’t be a characteristic only she can show, the same way she can show some different shades of personality. And this breach in October caused by Hephaestus or lack of experience on Vesta’s side? It’s the string problem towards knowing when one flame makes a mistake, or when a scourger or saboteer makes a move. This is what makes characters more interesting, as they grow from archetypes and stereotypes to actual characters. Each character’s main trait is to remain evident, but it can’t outshine other features

Fourth scroll is about how events can be effective in the story. I can work with events in more sophisticated ways than warriors fighting. In fact, I can invest in dialogues rather than battles (and the idea of dark mirrors of my flames is something I want to avoid the most I can, even Hephaestosis is hard to find a place for him to fit in). Also, I think this is the place is where I can wonder about whether emotions can also be in places and scenarios to represent them, instead of all scourgers (so I can create some beneficial presences through that, considering I’ve got the five flames locked in that number).

The fifth scroll is about the tricky thing that is how the battle of flames and Scourgers can be a war of their own. That is, I am not any presence there, and the Scourgers have to be menacing to the flames themselves. And the flames must have their own cause. It’s in the fifth scroll I store the problem with Wormtongue, as he seems to talk more directly to me and is so hard to put in the story (and how the flames and scourgers will meet?). Maybe he is even a character in another layer of interpretation, when they are talking to me.

The sixth scroll is about the harmony of styles of the whole thing. Not only for the names, but also for the project of materializing them in images. I get inspiration from so many places, that it actually made me more aware of the danger that is the complete mess it can become if I am not careful. Unfortunately, some disharmonies are expected to happen because some ideas were before the whole concern about this harmony. And for now I am not worried about fixing those disharmonies like names that don’t follow the logic of undercurrent meaning (like Qareen).

The seventh scroll is about the story that is told while I keep bringing new things in. For instance, what was of the Raseri's clan in the months before I brought it in? Was it a leaderless tribe? And next things I will create, how that will be explained? Maybe I could act like nothing had ever happened, but I can't get well with that.

Of risk and reward

It’s strange how there are rewards that we must go against our instincts to achieve. For most of what we get in life, it’s through constant fighting with our own nature, it’s by going through risk, going where there’s pain and stress. There’s despair and agony, and it’s strange that one day someone just realized there was something to take from this by accepting this insane journey voluntarily.

As release and restraint seemed to have done an unexpectedly positive result in measuring reality, I’ve been slowly trying to figure out other similar equations, and the thought of risk and reward seem to do a pretty job as well (could be nice if they were all R&R themes – for Reality!). Risk and reward have to do with how much one has to be against the comfort in order to find the recompense.

Now, I don’t think risk is to be used like actual risk, having things on stake. It’s more doing that which is challenging, or doing what is right instead of what is easy. For instance, when saving money, one isn’t exactly in risk, but making sacrifices in order to have a more tranquil future (though it could be one metatrap, as you’re fleeing from the risk of  facing a rough future).

The risk and reward work by the premise they are directly proportional. The higher the risk and trouble, it is commonly a higher reward to be given in return. One can go through life by avoiding risk, but also declining the possibility of getting rewards. Also, risk and reward can be used along with the release and restraint, because I don’t see why they shouldn’t.

The importance of this new pair is because it makes me gauge myself in relation to risk and reward. I am someone afraid of going out for the risks. Maybe that explains how short of rewards I feel (and how feeble the ones I have are).

Of Selfsourcing

It’s interesting how my mind seems to give something more importance if it feels personalized. The response might be because of the feeling of uniqueness of the place. The service that is offered isn’t like any other we can find, and the material they use is the first part of this process.

This concept is about how one offers things that aren’t common-place, but original. It’s about company that shows independent sourcing. Just imagine if the Coca-cola company had a gmail account for you to get in touch with them. There is a minimum level of this selfsourcing any respecting business must offer in order to get decent regard.

I kept thinking if maybe there could be an equation in this and so be applied to anything that I do here. And so I think, and I give myself some freedom to work on it, and it seems to happen when I have ideas of my own, with the least worldly lessons and teachings for me to depend on. And those I use, I work to have them personalized to my own perception and way of thinking.

Of limiting frame of access

Strange how sometimes all we have about someone or culture is a photograph, or then all we know about someone is one little piece of art they’ve done, like a song or a text. When I look at it, I inevitably try to see their identity and personality through this little source of their essence.

However, when we look through this access, we might not instantly realize how limiting it can be. After all, what we see, read or listen of it might just be one frame of their life.
 It’s just one moment in an entire life made of hundreds or thousands of different generations they’ve been through.

But then, the more information we have about this person/culture, the more we see how widespread it is, until a connective repetition happens, and soon we can find their theme. When we first see the main venue of their personality we see their zephyrous essence, their life motive. 

Of time-surviving layers

It takes some practice, but one can feel time when watching the cityscape. Following any street, I start feeling the age of the buildings, elderly places looking tired and oppressed among the young and modern buildings in a rush to get everything done right now.

The city has buildings that survive time and show all the different ages it has been through. Side by side we have different styles of architecture, showing the passage of time through it. It is the idea of elements that survive time stay and get along with new things, which can either survive time too or be erased like old buildings that didn’t make it as well.

It has an equation behind it that I can also feel in my ideas. Some I use from the very beginning of my blog, while some are recent. In my inventory of skills, some are used constantly because they at the peak of their evolution, like the early skill of learning how to walk, others are recent skills in which I try to sort out the most complex case of Rubik’s Vertices of them all… dealing with people.

Of exploration and connective repetition

Brand new worlds to explore is always an intriguing challenge to face. Be it burdensome or exhilarating, these experiences are always worthy of being given analysis and dissection. As exploration is an event that happens in all systems, analogies here are easy for it to give birth to new equations and motifs (yeah, I guess when analogies are around it’s going to be mostly equations).

When entering a whole new world, the first thing I find is an asphyxiating amount of interdependent vertices to deal with. This is the moment of the scare when what we have to learn seems limitless. It’s like this when learning a new language or subject, or exploring a new city and artistic techniques.

After the first big scare when we wander through vertices and each time there’s more and more of them, the constant exploration first gives us repetition. It’s always been for me a sign of relief, as that means the incoming of vertices is showing signs of dwindling.

After the first repetition, usually one of the bigger vertices (third-level braudelian vertices), like the most common or frequently used technique, or the bigger venue through the city, it’s only a matter of time before the smaller vertices (second and first level vertices) will be repeated. So, this way I find my way through the overwhelming amount of information and now I am going to be able to establish patterns. And it all slowly becomes connected.

Thinking about it, although I have come to this subject with some frequency, I don’t have any charting of the themes and motives in exploring and learning like this, even if the braudelian measures cover everything so well. But I’ve found one connective repetition here (and I hope next keep coming). Also, I’m glad I’m having a new idea like this, and it makes me so frantic about this discovery that it seems the causal adherence and assumption about considering these thoughts to be the greatest discoveries seem correct.

Of dense quintessences

There is one old thought I used to have about art that feels alive, as if they were more than simple musical notes and strokes. It was an idea called the Emet Element, the ingredient that just makes everything feel like bearing a soul. And as I managed to mend this broken stream, I feel it is something to be sought after.

This certain element feeling like a soul seems to be more evident when I try them in other styles. It’s how dense they are in quintessence that their liveliness is beyond the result of its own media and original instrument of creation, so the core essence of the production seems to be easily reproduced in other styles without corruption.

The wise choice of a few lines and notes can make the difference, and it’s not about adding a billion little details to the armor pieces and a thousand layers of cloth. When coming to more simple styles and creating soulful art, the base line is what will remain, so it’s important the later layers aren’t even remotely the defining element of the work.

As an analogous force, it is in music with melodies that won’t work simply in its original instrument, but that have such an original meaning that all instruments will give you the same feeling. The point is, it comes from the song itself, not from the instrument. Also, in visual arts it’s about character design, for instance, in which the characteristics can be easily recognized. For instance, Darth Vader’s appearance is paid homage everywhere, as simple as it is to transfer the tone of character to all styles. It’s something about quality instead of quantity.

Of V. Wisdom

Again I find myself coming to add a stream of development to an old simple idea. As the Greek Charting to the initial Gamma State, the first thought about guiding my actions would eventually bring me to an extended thought, mainly because Quintessential Wisdom had its own nemesis I had ignored back them. For better of for worse, I will try to deal with it now.

As Quintessential Wisdom deals with more instinctive approaches, such as discoveries and creations I do out of thin air without any actual theoretical knowledge, its opposite approach would have been the analytical knowledge of studying every component, so it’s the Wisdom of Vertices.  See, I’ll keep “V. Wisdom” as a name that is just a response to match Q. Wisdom (hey, there’s even an alphabetical impression here, the way both look pretty different, the sharpness of V always look so modern).

As opposite to Q. Wisdom, this is the knowledge that comes from analyzing cases and situations, so vertices are under control. Thinking about it, I’m the worst when it comes to this, as my range of awareness to vertices is really low.  I can only manage to get along basic leitmotifing in here because of Q.Wisdom and I feel connected themes.

When it comes to dealing with vertices in an analytical way, I find myself in a hopeless situation. Vertices are overwhelming without a quintessential orientation, because there must be around a million vertices we must be entirely conscious of, and that’s frightening.

It seems to me that instinctive knowledge can actually be second nature of vertices we learned through time. So the fact that Q. Wisdom seems to work better for me is that I can just keep studying vertices, as it can be a matter of low skills and little practice that makes my range of vertices shorter.

Of Rubik’s Vertices

Understanding the world is not a simple task. Defining and coding reality into models and systems can reveal itself one maddening exercise. The elements and components, which I call vertices, can be extremely confusing. In fact, it’s only smaller systems inside the system of reality that the knowledge of vertices can be applied without hints of instinct.

The problem with those vertices is when we get to deal with this other one merged with it, and we lose the track of previous ones. It’s a matter of solving a Rubik’s Cube, and finding out strategies to deal with next components without losing track of the already resolved.

In the case of tuning of musical instruments, one string depends on other strings. In this particular case, the ambivalence of vertices is not present. There are defined vertices, as there’s the note the string is supposed to ring like, and all strings have their own notes. When one learns to distinguish them, these vertices can more easily be mastered. This problem with vertices is present in drawings too, when the actual vertices of the picture have a distance between them, and if I adjust one, it unbalances the other ones. If the consequences of dealing with vertices towards all others isn’t minded, it’ll be an eternal game of errors slipping from our grip. This is how the interdependence can be so frustrating and confusing.

The confusion I mean with dealing of vertices can be mostly a matter of practice. Low skills lead us to be confused easily with all similar buttons, interdependent strings, parallel roads and differing techniques. But the increase of the skill leads to an increased memory towards vertices to be dealt with.

Of Dawkins’ Debauch

First things first, my point here is far from talking about god. His existence or inexistence is, honestly, one of my most distant interests. In fact, for me it’s pretty much answered already as a being created from our spiritual needs. Read my texts and you’ll find me pretty much completely an atheist finding my own way to deal with my spiritual needs.

But I hate the work so-called atheists have been doing out there, and I basically don’t like using the definition myself. Lately I’ve been pretty disgusted at the way other atheists are going unreasonable and downright fanatic. It’s too clear to me they’re about to go the prey-and-hunter change of roles if they’re given the chance, and that’s just repeated history for me. It’s a fact for me and end of story about it.

The idea I am talking about here is how religion suddenly becomes the root of all evil. Every single problem in the world comes from it and only the chosen people with a sense of criticism can obviously see how the bible is totally about something that hasn’t existed. This way every literal misinterpretation allows great jokes that are so true but at the same time so poorly thought out. Also, it’s strange how I find more teenager atheists than actual grown-up, enlightened people who don’t assume they know everything about the world.

And the problem is how there are renowned people out there commanding this debauch on religion. There are those like George Carlin who tell us to question everything, but I can’t find anybody questioning him, because the blind adoration becomes overt at times. And there are other scientists also trying to take every chance to make bitter or sarcastic remarks, and I’ll leave Richard Dawkins here mostly to name the idea, but there several people who are working relentlessly to bring religion down when there are several more effective ways to improve the world.

All the credibility I have towards scientists and thinkers or philosophers always go downhill when they express themselves with sharp tongues. It feels to me like lack of maturity when every time the subject comes up one will just go harvesting all of its flaws and mocking its entire existence. I’d be much more prone to be anti-religion if it wasn’t by this sad debauchery on the part of the atheists. I like hearing the voice of all, but extremism strikes no chord with me, and I find it hard listening to those who stand with polemics for the sake of polemics instead of awareness. 

Of Moebius’ Measurement

While I try to measure reality through release and restraint or risk and reward, there is this other one idea I have for measuring art approaches. As I flirt with this three-lettered abbreviation, I call it QNT and QLT as for Quantitative and Qualitative. Also, it’s unfortunate as I couldn’t have them belonging to the select R&R group.

This seems to be a way to measure my skills. Quantitative efforts are those that are technical and impressively detailed. Qualitative are harder to achieve, as you can’t convey details and have to master the few strokes you have. You have to convey more information in lesser details.

It seems that to a certain period of our life we would try getting our skills to reach the farthest limit, but then, as we reach the top, we start getting less worried about it. I think we start being concerned about much simpler things. It would be the change from QNT to QLT.

But I didn’t make this idea of quantitative and qualitative approaches, it’s a Worldly Teaching in its purest form. This is my chance to be honest and give due credits to the one I learned the concept from. It’s the opening introduction of Moebius’ “Is man good?”, when he states how in this work he opted for the challenge of keeping it simple and still making his art have this dense quintessence to it.

Of Tolkien’s Taint

We all must thank J.R.R. Tolkien everyday for all he did for the fantasy literature, and his work and effort is very inspiring to me while I try to create my own world. And you can see what is to come because of this early use of the Fire Extinguisher. Truth be told, I find some aspects of his world to be quite underdeveloped. Whether I’m displeasing Tolkien’s fans, it’s beyond my true concern.

I have to admit this, politically and socially speaking (overall, in terms defined by my bronze gemstone), Tolkien’s grounds are left to wish. Even if he had it explored it beyond The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings and Silmarillion, there’s the simple fact there was a complete lack of focus in these aspects would made me slightly disenchanted. I could never understand how did the Rohan gather so many warriors when Edoras was the city/village ever mentioned in the lands.

The bronze spice is something I am eager to add to my world of Flames and Scourgers. I have the hope I’ll get there someday, as all these characters were once mostly blurries and isolated figures, and now there’s even hierarchies and glimpses of future warring reigns. I just think it will take some time to go through the whole bureaucratic exigencies of the Q. Rule.

Of Skurida’s Seasoning

Anything that gives me hope of change and improvement calls my attention immediately. As I keep finding my work always lacking the soul and life, even the smallest rumor of finding one trick that can allow my skills season to blossom makes me fascinated and hopeful.

The idea isn’t about simply practicing. Although it can happen involuntarily along the way, I can’t help but think there was one stupendous trick someone would have learned that was the secret ingredient for making their art so splendid. How edges can be polished and something so vague can rise up in quality like this?

It comes from listening to this Russian band called Veter Vody. Their debut album, Svistospliaska, shows some very dense quintessences that makes the music extraordinary in terms of creating emotional responses in me. And as I’d search their discography, I’ve found one previous EP, called Gaoth Dobhair, which felt like some generic music. Nice, but I wouldn’t be able to tell it was the same band. And something happened in the way to the first full-release, Svistopliaska, in which the songs were so alive and catchier and all.

Often I wonder what lesson did Den and Maria learn there. What was their trick? Did they sell their soul to the devil or something?

Of Jobs’ Joint

Lack of focus is a constant in my life. If I’m not careful, or even if I’m trying to be, I’ll find myself engaged with a different activity every time I call awareness of myself. Although this lets me win some flexibility that comes from making our hands and head out of vices, there’s the worry that I am doing something that will never add anything to my life.

But as quintessential wisdom goes, all we do, even if so seemingly pointless, there’s always a secret purpose for it in the future, just as if our mind knew that every little exercise of skill would have its importance to my development.

It’s one legitimate Worldly Teaching as it is taught minutely by Steve Jobs, saying that when he was young he just decided, out of thin air or something, to assign to a typography class, and one day he learned that skill would be so important for him to create the font and typography of Apple products.

There’s something about this Q. Wisdom that, as represented here, could be thought as an almost supernatural ability of the mind. And it could be, but I see it more as something related to the idea of closed systems. There is something about the task we see in front of us that our mind can recognize unconscious responses with patterns similar to the actual skill we are trying to focus on.

Of Fisher’s Frame

There’s a hopeless debility I have when coming to perceiving the world around me. Everything that isn’t just in my immediate surroundings seems to be in a frozen constancy, all the way until I get in touch with it to learn of all the changes that happened while I was unaware of it.

This idea comes from a game, Splinter Cell: Conviction, which I never played. I have, though, watched the gameplay. And as I could notice, when guards would spot you somewhere, suddenly a frame from your position would appear in the place like a ghostly statue and if you would go around the place, the guards would still act as if you were in that last point they saw you. They could only mind that last frame they saw.

When I think about it, that’s pretty much how I picture people. When I last see someone, I’d know it’s probably not right, but unconsciously I think of their life as like that last condition I saw them in. It’s in the next reencounter that I can perceive my mind has also kept them in this frame until it could be updated to a new frozen frame.

Of Vedder’s Voyage

There is in me the spirit of exploration and adventure that I just can’t ignore. Although I can spend so much time indoors, hardly I am not actually exploring the world in any way. Hell, all these ideas come from my own periods of physical laziness and sedentariness.

But even if I don’t seem the physical type, or even really courageous, sometimes I surprise myself and even others with how unfastened and spontaneous I can be about decisions.  I haven’t really deciphered how that action is set in motion, I just know it’s a thalassic thirst I have for traveling or going out without warnings or plannings.

This worldly lesson (of something I already had about myself) comes from the song Off He Goes, by Pearl Jam. In the song we are introduced to a man who feels troubled and suddenly goes out to wind out his mind. The intriguing part for me is about how this friend has returned and before we are used to his return, he’s wandered away again. The traveler friend, Eddie Vedder says in an interview, is supposed to represent his very self.

After all this time, I think I don’t really need to convince anybody that I can identify myself with the troubled type with “thoughts too big for his size”. And when we hit the road for the first time, when we cross that threshold, the old life can’t ever satisfy us. The home we used to have is no more. It’s nowhere and we seek to find it again.

Also, it’s one flaw that I have, how easily I can get tired of something. When there’s no more meaning for me in following a routine, it’s hard for me to hide the discontent. I guess that’s just how plain transparent I am, and I don’t know what to think of something so ambivalent. And when I do, I am off again.

Of Worldly Teachings

There is an inconsistency in the original concept of Worldly Lessons. I kept thinking about it for some time, admittedly trying to convince myself it didn’t sport any glaring crack that required a whole text just to try to clean up the confusion it would bring. Clearly it didn’t work.

The problem is that while I learn things from the world, they were all very different in one level or another. Still, I couldn’t come to think any of them wasn’t an actual worldly lesson, as I felt they did share the primordial and most important similarity. But there are differing elements that have their relevance.

The main divergence I see is that most lessons weren’t actually expressed by the author. It is and will forever be a mystery whether authors were aware of the layers and concepts I’ve noticed. I have the slight feeling these cautionary worldly lessons, the mistakes the author made and I hope I can avoid, wasn’t really on purpose, but the simple fact that it was there for me to learn a lesson, makes it count as a Worldly Lesson.

However, there are some few that are different, as they are directly taught lessons. I’ll call them Worldly Teachings. It wasn’t some undercurrent of their work I was labeling. It wasn’t something I absorbed from analysis but ideas fully perceived by the author and  explained to the reader/viewer.

Of autotelic release

As far as I have been researching, the trance experience is known out there. In psychology, it is known as Flow, but it can also be known as Maslow’s Peak Experiences (it could be a Worldly Lesson in a certain way). One of the ways it is also known is as an autotelic experience.

An autotelic experience is said to be an activity or task in which the pleasure comes from the very realization of the activity, and the realization alone. No compromise and expectation of outerior response. And as far as I could understand in my own exercises, it’s when I easily connected to what I am doing. It’s when I am finally enjoying the present.

One of the reasons trances are out of reach to me is when I don’t feel a sense of purpose towards what I am doing. Even when I feel the activity itself seems to hold no value to me (or even when I know it has, like reading a book, but I have hard time connecting with the reading). Or then I’m hindered by something else bothering me, some thalassic hindrance that I am struggling to understand.

Also, when trying to develop a more autotelic experience I am also probably going to resolve one big problem with the release and its toll. After all, I have a guess on what weighs the toll of release: it’s an expected result or aftergoal towards it. If I don’t make the release with so much expectation to get somewhere, and just be some, huh, autotelic release.

Of needs to answer and needs to silence

Some sylvan quintessences can avoid my taming attempts for years on end. There’s this one in special that wanders from the corners of my mind just when I have enough sensibility of trances for its presence to feel faintly shaped. It’s something about life presenting us events and choices with consequences so extraordinarily more ambiversive than we can normally grasp.

One of these questions that I stumble upon frequently and that seems slightly related to this ambivalence is the presence of several needs I feel my heart expressing. To follow my heart means getting to extremes that can be too imprudent and dangerous, while at the same time, ignoring it can be interpreted as fright and cowardice. There’s a conflict in here while I feel my heart shouting exigencies. There are things it wants me to do, and I don’t think I want them. But how do I know that silencing them is a wise thing to do, or if I am just being coward?

The whole problem revolves around the fact it is impossible to understand every detail of their nature and consequences. I have no idea to how I can possibly know whether I answer to or silence these urges, after all, I know I am not looking at all the vertices that surround it. I don’t know all the positive and negative feedbacks that the choice would bring. 

Of Lead (anxiety, pressure and guilt)

For more than one year, I’ve been aware of this feeling of Lead, though only a few months in the past I came with a name for it. There are moments when it comes to me frustratingly often, or months in practical absence. So now it has returned and has been with me everyday, and it is still a mystery to me.

The feeling I call lead is a strange response I feel inside my chest, a weight down my heart. I am pretty sure it is a feeling everybody must have known, even if I can’t recall this feeling ever being given attention, because I’ve been noticing it goes beyond being my own word for the feeling of dismay and lack of motivation.

Apparently, there is one very clear motive for it to happen, which is in moments of instability in my life. Whenever I have a great challenge ahead and I feel much insecure towards it, it will sure to be present. It’s basically a feeling of anxiety when I question all my competence. The lead happens when I look at everything and I feel discouraged to face the situation and I see no motive to do it. It can grow to become worse feelings, so usually the simple lead is a nice moment to get up and get things done before the situation becomes darker.

The lead comes while my life has nothing stable. The moment in-between jobs is that when I look around looking for activities I would do, activities I’d be competent at doing, and seeing so many things I can’t do, the lead comes over me. But when there’s one clear goal ahead, getting it done or receiving any other news of success, the lead will vanish. And while I get myself with another solid routine again, I feel like I am fooling myself, alienating myself from reality once again. It’s the perfect gate for scourgers…

One of the main characteristics of this feeling of lead is when I am just going around and something calls my attention, and it will apparently randomly trigger the lead in me. It’s when I feel guilt and impotence towards the world. There are rules of the society that are damaging to the environment and others, but that I can’t do much to avoid doing myself, no matter how aware and active I’m trying to be, and it triggers the lead. It’s the impotence of seeing the world going wrong and it grabs my hands and forces them to help this disfigurement.

It’s strange, I can also feel it when things go right. I also feel guilt as I look at the world and I’m fortunate to have the modern life making things so much easier for me. But there has to be a cost to it, and it triggers the lead. Feels like cheating in life. If those things didn’t exist, I wouldn’t know how to handle my necessities. Even if I prepare my own food, there is plenty of it to be bought around every street. What would happen if suddenly I didn’t have the supplies?

This feeling of dependence towards everything makes me guilt as I keep using all those things all other humans have dedicated their efforts extraordinarily for it to be here – all the electronic devices, the comfortable furniture, the tv shows, the books and services available for commodity. We have our computers and the internet, and we just use it as freely granted… and yet I think of all the stupidly brilliant minds that created them and we barely know who they are.

Of Sieging

Some ideas have a quintessential identity to them and so even without complex analysis I feel they are right. And even if Sieging might have gone through a RQ Trial with martial reinforcement, I’ve come to depart their shapes more easily. Sieging comes to me like a constant reminder of my mind. Some notifications of neglect keep popping in my mind until I do something about them. It’s not much of my own sieging, as my mind, the entity it is, making pressure over this other conscience I can more easily define as I.

The trick about sieging is to know how to trigger it. Once it’s triggered, I’ll force myself to work until it’s how I like (or I crumble under it). The problem is that it’s not simply a matter of noticing a problem to care enough to have it have the impact in me to be in discomfort before it’s done.

Usually, the best way for some sieging to start is by making some special kind of mistake. So I keep it bugging me mind (and it can even be thought as a trauma, if one can allow a broader definition of the word) and I’m receiving constant notifications every time the subject comes to my mind, and so I keep thinking of how it could be evolved. That’s one terrible way to develop myself though, not only because it wears out resilience, but also because when it’s triggered it’s beyond my control. I can’t seem to turn it off.

There are several of these heavy siegings in my mind, and there are several of them making pressure to my mind. It feels like some parliament, all this battle of screams trying to have their project approved, while Vesta’s councilman thumps the table ordering silence, in vain. Sometimes I even consider labeling it a mindtrap.

Of confining commitment

So I find myself realizing that while I am doing all of this so focused on developing myself, the time is going on, and as there is just some months before I have two years working on this blog, I’ve been really questioning myself if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

And honestly, this is where I feel safe, whenever I am having the capability to feel safe. And the things I feel while thinking and writing are some of the best I have, because actually here I am basically recording and process all I know about life out there. It has some terrible pressure to it too and that is something very hard to deal with. Still, this kind of easy reasonable decision doesn’t have a quintessential nature to it, as even if I truly love this place, I can’t feel the love being greater than the feeling of doubt that I feel. Actually, it isn’t also much of a feeling of doubt, because I know this is the thing I can do best, it’s just the perception that this is what I am going to get from life.

Nowadays it seems we don’t experience this fear so much because we can always get divorce or change career if we feel like. It appears to me we live in a time when we don’t worry about choosing a life to live. And that’s great, actually. We are given the chance to experience life in a broader range, but I wonder if it is not something responsible for this enhanced fear of commitment to be considered confinement.

And now, I keep thinking if I don’t have this reaction coming over to analogous system. After all, undercurrent quintessences usually travel through surface projections, as it seems to be how the mind seems to sort out elements in dreams or how we can perceive analogies. So even though I can’t see it like this happening to me, I wonder if feeling it related to this blog wouldn’t also relate to my love life. I don’t feel afraid to actually commit myself with someone. It’s not something I am worried about, and that has its meaning, but it’s good that I question myself on this.

Of augmented days of defeat

Some people’s lives are about mountains and nature. Others’ are about party and sex. Others’ are about work and family. Others’ are about thought, development and creation. The realization mine is mostly the latter one makes me entirely uncomfortable, even if I try to appease myself with the thought it has its benefits. There is so much of the world out there going unexperienced, and the time is running out, and not even the definition I have with me is being done well.

It seemed like a long time ago when I had this goal of developing myself the most I could until I was twenty-five. It seemed to be enough time for me to do everything, but now I realize there’s only one year left to that. Somehow I’ve brought such an expectation to it that I feel my whole life is coming to that very point, like there is going to be no life after it. That is, if I am not developed like I want to be (which I obviously am not going to be).

The problem with becoming one year older is how every number added to my back now becomes a geometric progression of a burden. Each year it gets heavier and heavier. The pressure gets more and more intense as I realize how fast time is going by and I am having my plans being guillotined.

And while I am frustrated that I am almost twenty-five and nothing like I wanted to be (ok, some things I never even dreamed of creating, like this crest theory and the story of the flames, but it doesn't really appease my mind), the frustrtion of this day of defeat is augmented by the fact that all these other things I could have brought to my life instead were wasted already...

Of disordered Wehmut

Today I’m too busy longing for yesterdays. However, it’s only tomorrow I’ll feel them. Only tomorrow I will care for today, and this inevitable delta travel will follow like this indefinitely unless I change something about these stretching expectations that never allow me to live in the present.

I know today has brought me enough mindscapes, and soon they’ll become crests. But that’s the only way I can feel my life: through crests of gone experiences that were all mine to taste. Only tomorrow (and often it’s literally tomorrow) I’ll notice the experience that happened today was very interesting. Only when it’s no more.

My Wehmut  Process is disarranged to the point that it is constantly trying to revive something from the past or longing for a future that doesn’t exist, even when I know I am having a good time now. Still, I can’t fully give myself to it, and its true impact seems to be only available to be felt afterwards, through these memories.

No matter how impacting the mindscape is now, the tomorrow Wehmut will also make it look like it was maybe better than it actually was, only to make me more guilt of not having enjoyed it better. And it’s a strange realization that makes me confused and annoyed. I don’t know how to resolve it, and as it’s going it’s bringing me enormous distress with the outside complex brought upon myself. 

Of Thalassic Thoughts (undefined underwater shapes)

There is a place in my mind where existing shapes haven’t really decided about existing. It will take a while before they actually learn of the idea of being shapes, and only then shapes will be chosen. In this place figures are still dim, and their presence is so subtle that the acknowledgement of their existence happens in strange ways.

This area of my mind, or rather the material that is in this state I’ll be calling Thalassic Thoughts. They are thoughts from beyond the corners of my mind, and they haven’t become real enough. But it’s by naming these vague shapes that I can be a little more aware of them, and direct my attention to them. Because it’s from there all ideas and creations come from.

Regurgitation and other creative processes start around here, including even the musical quintessences. Unmasking or perceiving those events, or bringing them to my range of consciousness is how ideas seem to be shaped. As for the characters, their images are still in thalassic levels, roughly formed by similar characters I’ve seen in illustrations, movies and games, and then building tiles together to create something new.

This is an important observation that can really improve my understanding of crests. It’s from that rim of formation of thoughts that I sense some crests happening, whatever that means. It is in thalassic levels that crests shout faint cries, and it’s through soul-reaching attempts that I can get to cross the division veil and get the gathered quintessences disassembled.

Of crest overflow in dreams

Strangely, I’ve started having those mad dreams lately. They’ve been running amok with all sorts of non-sense and the overly characteristic element of dreams: lack of continuity. When I wake up, I feel like I’ve been in a long journey. I even wake up with memories of strange experiences (it’s strange the crests created from dreamed events).

It’s a while since I used to have dreams like these. Is there a nuclearity nearby that allowed this change? Is there any relation between this and all the introspection I used to do? These past weeks a lot happened with me, and I haven’t had nearly as much time of quiet solitude as I used to have, so I think my mind has more of a mess to ramble through with the daily income of new absorptions.

Is it really possible I was somehow actively using resources for dreams when awake (or resolving impacts), like bringing them up through conscious regurgitation and so when asleep there was not the excessive overflow I am facing in my dreams these days?

I guess this has to do with this subtle urge I have been feeling, of things wishing to be released, but being unable to. There are crests calling from the deep realms of my mind, but I can’t answer the call and feel relieved. I don’t know what is my soul wants, sometimes it feels like a deep and yet subtle sadness, one that I can’t bring to my eyes.

Of independent nostalgia

Like any of those vastly in contact with all sorts of communications, we are bombarded with notions of nostalgia, and what the concept means. It’s been mostly 80s and some 90s already, but not all of these are mine. Not all belong to me. In fact, I think it might not be uncommon to find people used with one faint simulacrum of the concept, and I’ve been one of those for a long time.

It’s the idea of crests in here, as one gets to assimilate the nostalgia that is from one’s own past. Some people consider nostalgic feelings only those people talk about like movies and games and happenings from a certain period. Those are the ones that are more easily going to affect most people, because they are more widespread. But the closer we get to our own crests, experiences and memories, the more we are in touch with that special kind of nostalgia that fewer and fewer people are able to share with us.

The reason why I am talking about this is because it takes a certain effort to acknowledge the preciousness of our own independent nostalgia. We are all drawn towards the “big culture” and all that can be shared that we have to teach ourselves how to appreciate our own experiences

As someone who has grown in a small city, I have the curse and gift that is to have in my memories hundreds of experiences that can’t be shared with mostly no one except family and childhood friends (with whom I have little to no contact nowadays). But once one learns their independence of memories, the identification of the true crests can really begin.

Of proto-dioramas

As I keep investigating my mind for information about these mysterious dioramas, I’ve been finding other experiences that are similar to them. However, some of them aren’t just as concrete, as if they were not yet mature for being called dioramas. Some are scenarios that come to my imagination with minimum stimuli, but they don’t present the same solidity for me to wander through or blend them like actual dioramas. These transitory dioramic structures are what I’m calling proto-dioramas.

They behave like dioramas as being quintessences of crests that can be disassembled in tile-like elements of a whole scenario. That is, it happens when I experience a crest like a combination of Garnets and Peridots from this church courtyard and previous experiences from these gem crests are available for me to build a vision in my head, a sort-of ready scenario that can be ‘explored’ like actual dioramas, but only available while I am experiencing this crest.

There is one vision I have in my head which I can’t still identify as being this proto-diorama or almost a full diorama, but it’s something I call Surreal Horizon. One defining aspect of it is that this is built from my dreams, and I actually remember the one it is from, dreamt years ago. And I think this is getting more solid as sometimes I feel it’s even connectable to the Cloudy Highway diorama. And also there’s the Scandinavian Rain, which is from an experience I had as a child and that’s related to the the German Farmhouse and even the Church Courtyard from above.

It’s tricky to go about calling them proto-dioramas, as I am not sure if they will become future dioramas themselves or another dangerous returning quintessence on the subject, or a rash mixture of gems and dioramas and crests, which would be a strange mess. And sincerely, I feel this idea of proto-diorama is a bold step beyond what even I can actually confirm, so this is mostly an experimental text to see if I can possibly describe what I am seeing.

Of Obsidian (the forgotten 28th gem)

Rambling through my notes I’ve found something that made me so ashamed of my poor management when I’ve found this gem I had to be added just with Topaz and Onyx and Pearl. And Diamond. And Steel. Somehow I had it completely forgotten, but then again those days I didn’t really have my thoughts really straight.

Obsidian means the beauty of space: galaxies, nebulae, quasars, pulsars, spinning planets and blazing stars. It’s the passion of astrophysics and space exploration. It’s seeing the moonrise over the horizon with the amateur telescope my godfather once gave me, looking for all its craters in its waning horizon. It’s the celestial search for planets, and weighing realization that the bodies in the skies are insanely huge balls floating around the black ether.

It’s related to Chrysoberyl when the moon rises in the sky before nightfall, and Lazulite as magical and wondrous the universe seems to be when I see the Milky Way poured across the sky. This gem is about night skies when there’s the cold breeze and countless dots blinking scattered over the dark blue velvet. It makes me think of summer nights staying awake until late, lying on grass and thinking about all the dimension of the universe and searching for solar system planets to be the lone remnants when the sunrise approaches.

The importance of Obsidian is in making for the perception of the world a little broader. After all, one thing is to watch the sky and the stars, and it’s something else to see the stars while fully realizing they’re distant giant bodies glowing. The experience of Obsidian is not accessible from anywhere, but once it can be felt it is a very enthralling experience.

As a last note, Obsidian has become such a chaotic droplet to gems as I’m finding it to disturb my choice of using Opal (and I’m afraid of this crack being the beginning of  some downfall ignited by a snowball of interdependent vertices). Maybe I should change meaning with Opal, as Opal would represent constellations and nebula clouds better, mainly because obsidian rocks couldn’t be more earthly in its volcanic origins (but chosen because it sounds otherworldly). I’ll give it a try without obligation. If in a month it works, Opal will become the celestial and astronomical, while Obsidian will represent the broken and… burned…

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Checkpoint #19

October was a disaster, in terms of dream-chasing. At least the one that’s deeply associated with the work I do here in this blog. It was the most dreadful experience in the whole time I’ve been working here. It might have been the sum of circumstances, but this is the closest I came to giving up. I think that release in August brought me to this, and the restraint in September had a delay, making October feel like an actual blackout. So far I've been noticing a pattern similar to May-June-July, so I hope there will be a recovery like August too.

As I’ve come to unexpectedly revive some old self of mine, I felt completely insecure as if I had been dreaming all along. This change I’m coming through is making me feel regret for all I’ve done. In October I had suffered a terrible defeat in the war against the Scourgers. I had to know they would come back so strong! All these characters, named ideas, these silly mistakes and… just the whole thing feels so foolish for me. It’s the Hephaestus’ Fever, frightened by this enterprise and this close to succumbing to the pressure. This is the closest the Scourgers have come to accomplish their mission.

There were not great ideas, as trances were so scarce. I think the Greek Coordinates is the work of the month, though I’ve started with it around September, and well, most interesting ideas came from previous month too. So, as greek charting goes, I’ve spent the whole of the month with high Omega levels. I could just switch between Gamma and Sigma, but I was always feeling weak. I had easily over fifty texts to write, but the constant seediness made me procrastinate to an unimaginable extent. Thinking about writing meant overwhelming lead blockades and I felt strangely relieved when I decided to write just about the twenty most relevant ideas. All I wanted was to understand what was going on, and as overloaded as I felt my mind to be, I couldn’t unload them off my mind, so I’m feeling my head heavy and all my thoughts entangled.

Still, my life out there has had interesting happenings, despite being consumed with the fear that this work of mine was coming to an end. I don’t usually talk of people surrounding me, but I’d like to thank some of these amazing friends I have, and they’ve done great feats of support exactly when I needed them. Obrigado Samyra, Carolina, Michael e Ronaldo. Each one has helped me in very different ways, and each one is as important as the other one, despite some of these friendships being so recent, while others are one of the oldest I have. I’ve needed your help or I called you to pay a visit, to have a lunch or to go out in an adventure, and you were all so prompt. You rock!

Now, my plans were to try the restraint on November. But I am learning through terrible means the perils that is to border these areas. I have to accept it, the tolls can bring my doom. I’m afraid to try it once more and come over the point of no-return. But this project is my dear child and I won't let it die. This place is so intrinsically connect to my dreams that the end of this is the desistance of each and all of my goals. So my dreams must not be shattered again and I will do what it takes to rebuild all that felt so destroyed. 

But the worst aspect of the whole situation is that I am still feeling tired and looking forward a time to rest! The problem is, my life is about to take a giant shift, and I wonder if I’ll have time to work on this and follow the trimester plan. But that’s the chance to feel good with some nuclear victory to pay off for this nuclear defeat in October, though I am out to find how to have that strength back, how to get back to the explosive recovery that comes after the disillusion of release.

Edit: FINALLY. I've uploaded to deviantart all the 67 pages of the sketchbook I've been working since April.