Saturday, June 30, 2012

Of Double-Four Rule

As aware as I am now of the importance of the delta travels through generations, I’m also more aware of the importance of more detailed texts for my recollection of the moment when I’ve written them.  In an attempt to enhance the quality of my texts and make them more informative, I’m settling for an increased self-challenge.

Now the rule for length of texts will go from the minimum of three paragraphs, each three-lines long, to four paragraphs, four-lines long. The extra line might not be much of a new challenge, as I’m already finding myself cheating to add a few words that make to the fourth line easily. But four paragraphs, every time… now that’s more of a thrilling defiance.

If I’m struggling to get it done, at least I can expect for it to become easier with time. And I hope it will help me overcome this vice of being too straight to the point. I have to be less tightened-up and relax more when writing. Hopefully, by doing so I can go around having my ideas being expressed more complete.

Fortunately, the exercises I’ve been doing helped me being more concentrated in the quintessence to be described, so until now I haven’t been suffering a lot. The actual problem is the prospect of some cheap cheating. I’m afraid that, if I don’t have much to say, I’ll add some boring fillers to the text. That would be, sincerely, much worse than having short texts.

So, for this reason, I’m not being really exigent towards it. Some eventual three lines, or even three paragraphs could be enough. But I have to trust in myself not to use this tolerance to resort to it every time I’m feeling too lazy to write more descriptively.

Of Chrysoberyls

I never get tired of the effect naming can make. Interesting is how being aware of this kind of feeling now suddenly makes it feel more frequent. And Chrysoberyl is a crest gemstone that suddenly made me realize connections I never did before.

This is a feeling now I remember feeling in diverse parts of my life. I remember them in videogames, such as that level in the Hook game for Genesis, or then RPGs and soundtracks by Nobuo Uematsu. It’s in high fantasy stories like the Discworld series or other medieval-themed stories like Conan the Barbarian, because of how simple-fashioned these adventures were.

I also feel it in music like in that riff in Gamma Ray’s Afterlife, a later part of Sublime’s Garden Grove, or the use of synthetizers in Ayreon songs (mainly in The Dream Sequencer), or in songs by The Flower Kings (now when I think of it, there’s the reason why it felt so fitting for listening while reading Discworld novels!). The songs by The Black Mages are from the Final Fantasy soundtracks and define this feeling. The Battle Scene main melody is the hymn to this crest.

It’s in the part of my life where I taste the world, one of the ways it feels most appealing to me. Chrysoberyls mean to me the feeling of high skies. It’s the longing for the distant horizons, the tasting of vast land views and the chilliness of autumnal atmosphere, the changing of colors in the sky during sunsetting process. It’s about winds, breezes and mountainscapes, but also plains that stretch to the distance - the surroundings of the cities I’ve lived in.

I have childhood memories of collecting these cards about space, and I have the clear memory of heading home, opening the chocolate wrappings and finding this one card showing a full moon out of the blue sky. I looked to the blue sky above and I’ve found the moon displayed in daylight too. And then it has always been a meaningful sight for me. Astronomy-wise, the blue sky sometimes carries as much meaning for me as a starry night, because that moon made me feel more aware of how planets and stars and other huge chunks of stone and fire floating around keep existing, just outside this blueish atmosphere. Invisible to us except when the closest fireball is away and no longer outshining these other sources of light from the outer space.

Now when I think of it, this feeling comes mostly from my childhood and consequently from the entertainment of the 80’s and early 90’s as it’s also the crest where most of my nerd side is found. It’s interesting and strange, as there’s something about Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back to the Future in it too. Probably because when younger I used to watch this kind of movies indoors during my afternoons, when the day was still bright out there. Also because there’s this early scene in the Last Crusade where they’re crossing a desert and the blue sky makes a hard contrast to the red landscape. You see, even westerns are involved (as the third bttf movie also happens in this old west scenario). It might not be a major crest in itself, or separately, but the way it’s just about everywhere makes me immensely fond of tasting it.

Of Debossification

All struggles become less dangerous as we keep dealing with them. We might fear doing something, but it’s by doing it that the fear will disappear. It might still be there the second time, and the third, fourth, but eventually, the dreadfulness will no longer exist. It will no longer feel menaceful.

This idea came into existence from playing Zelda games. It always called my attention how enemies featured as bosses at the beginning of the game would be just regular enemies towards the end. One boss that would solely make you miserable would later become just one of the many of the same you fight at once without much preoccupation.

This is a sign of development and progress. It’s when you have evolved past the point of worrying about the same things all the time. But for the at to happen, gathering enough courage to face the fearsome challenges is the first step.

Of Convergent (or Divergent) Advantages (or Disadvantages)

It’s interesting how some actions we do are done with an impulse that is only later understood. Though rare, sometimes choices I do bring advantages I start uncovering just a long time after, as if deep in some layer of consciousness I would know how to use the bright circumstances to my advantage.

Although it goes against my usual approach, it turns out once in a while we are presented with possibilities that are made mostly of positive feedbacks.  For instance, here on this blog, most of the feedbacks are positive. Here I can practice writing and rhetorical experiments, here I can practice imaginative wonderings, and here I feel much exposed too, which is also something I need to overcome, and etc.

Maybe it’s not like negative feedbacks don’t exist, but rather they can be used to my advantage. It can be in our hands to choose whether letting those feedbacks diverge or even converge to disadvantage and use it as an excuse for our failure, or make them converge together to reach to the objective we are aiming for.

Of foreseen reactions

As the current actions and circumstances usually bring me to unexpected dead-ends and crash landings, I long for a future when I could develop my actions knowing of their consequences. If I can grow more sure of the place my actions lead me, I will be much more effective in the ways of traversing these areas, even if the consequences are negative, I can converge them for my benefit.

It already happens in some places. It’s the case of the failure done on purpose, for revengeful recovery. The only problem with trying to foresee my reactions is the problem of drained batteries, as my reactions to situations can change. For instance, if I’m chasing my falls on purpose, these falls will no longer be like falls, or at least not as awful to fuel development.

Apparently the tolls I pay for the release and restraint exercises seem to happen with enough frequence to look like steady reactions I can work on without many suprising turns. But for that I will have to throw the experiment some times more to be sure of it. It’s risky and the tolls make me lose precious time (not to mention I fear the risk of  finding them killing my enthusiasm little by little), but understanding the effects these two lines of pace is fundamentally important to me.

Of background turned into sprites

A practical view of the world seems to be achieved mostly by being sufficiently aware of the surrounding world and the tools it offers. But our usual approach toward the world is so superficial and untrained that we will usually ignore all these convergent possibilities.

When a routine starts to be developed, I’ve noticed I have the tendency to find one path to follow, which is great for efficiency and even safety. Naturally, it becomes a vice, and all those other things that are excluded from this path accumulate and, if not being handled, they become cobweb-like weights.

This idea comes as an emotional response from varying activities, including organization and cleaning. As I get myself involved with routine activities and leave other objects to second plan, they eventually disappear from my range of consciousness.

My first guess to loosen that vice would try increasing my perceptive skills and trying to be aware of every little element of logistic that surrounds me (be it in a material world or in this metaphysical one). It would be asking too much to expect to find a use for every little thing, but I know I can be aware to the things that surround me and casting this little spell-like annotation on them, which seems to make my mind work incredibly more agile.

Of situations G0618D, G0621W and G0627T

When analyzing my trances, the previous state of mind becomes more hintful to the charging of the trance than the actual trance. Paying attention to how a trance comes to be grants much more knowledge and allows me more insight on how to manually reproduce it. This seems to be a nuclear heading to the mission of making trances happen when I want them to.

First I need to examine some successful trances, even though dealing with them in a tranceless state brings me this strange lead contamination. Still, this can be a very fortunate meeting, as these lead barriers sometimes stand in the way, as if guarding this precious trance. Facing it brings me more clues on how those things work.

Recollecting past trances is hard to do. It’s about experiences that, if old enough, have already crossed this veil, becoming shapeless quintessences. I can’t resurrect them, but there are three situations I can recall, like ghostly shapes, that can tell me of short but valuable clues of how they came to be.

These spirits of past generations tell me of tales that share connecting points. The 18D came to be after a long and weary preparation before the moment of truth. The 21W existed because of its inheritance, as its ancestors had opened the path. The 27T is the most powerful and recent one, but it came to be slaughtered by dark agents when it become too influent and exposed, so its memories hurt him to be revealed. But it can tell his treasure was forged by dedication and obstinacy with the help of some fiery agents.

I rest my thoughts on the meaning of it. Apparently, these trances were charged by the means of a consistent warm up, or then having the skill loudened with training (which made warm ups more effective). The 27T’s is more puzzling. It was just yesterday, now I’m having a M0628W situation, and I can’t tell of how I got to that trance, other than apparently some sieging and a state of mind guarded by Áine and Zhu Rong, which allowed the summoning of Hephaestus!

Of trance measurement

Being aware of the trance is almost sure to trigger the Hawthorne’s Block. And this has been one of the biggest drawbacks in naming this effect in my mind. Since I’ve been aware of something that came to be called Trance, they have been derailed by the very acknowledgement of the experience.

But as important as it has been to this whole project, it has to be examined minutely, and I have to make sacrifices for that. Some ideas will be sadly dismantled and I have to take the risk of them not coming back while I study characteristics of the trances as a search for hints of how they were achieved by my mind. But the first step for now seems to first make some survey on the dimensions of this phenomenon.

Trances are going to be measured by me with this kilo/mega/giga system (doesn’t it have a name?). So as for now, I’ll have them measured in KT, MT and GT units. I don’t intend to go over 1gt, it’s one acceptable limit that seems to brake my cracked overcrations: there will be no teratrances or petatrances.

If I am to perceive a trance and measure it in trance units, 1000kt becomes 1mt (I’ll ignore that 1024 detail here). But as I’m still learning how to measure it, I’ll go by fewer steps of measurement. While I’m still beginning my measuring skills, I’ll first settle to 1kt, 500kt, 1mt, 500mt and 1gt. Then, slowly as I get more adapted to it (and do my measurement of the trances more subtly as a way not to derail the current trance and lose the ideas), I’ll be able to bring a more precise definition of the trances (and maybe, just maybe I can think of trances over 1gt)

The Gigatrance is the most powerful one, when every little thing I look at is deexamplified back into a motif/equation, and when most of my ideas and names appear, in this half-hour spam. Basically, they are the usual feeling I’ve been simply calling the trance until now. But there are less powerful but still valuable trances. When I’m between 1kt and 0,5mt, advancement is slow. There are just some rumination and evaluation, but at least things are going. Trances over 1mt are when the level of inspiration is high enough for me to find equations and make advancements in a healthy pace (and also things are still somewhat manual, which is very good against overcreation and disassembling of selves). This would really be the one state of mind that seems to converge more advantages, as the better one to have extended trances throughout all circumstances.

Also, trances happen to all skills, which is perceived through sudden nirvanic concentration enhancing the spins of success. So, in addition to a measured trance, it would be interesting to make annotations of the kind of trance it is. Not something much complicated, just a letter for the major skills. D for drawing, T for thoughts, M for music and W for writing.

It comes that there’s one more important part in the logistics of the trances: time. The length of trances is usually quite short. A gigatrance is exciting as rare as it is just one every few days, or once per week. But they are longer because they are stronger against Hawthorne, but also they can’t extend much long. It’s not even wise or healthy to engage into extended gigatrances. The one time when I’ve somehow managed to hold a gigatrance continually for over one hour, I would beg for it to stop, as I couldn’t bear all these ideas coming and coming. It came to a moment when the trance became its own ruin (though it is harsher for T-Trances – I wouldn’t mind having a D-trance being eight hours long, but still drawing is a skill when I can mine motifs from, so a T-trance usually comes along the D-trance).

And as a ruined trance goes, usually through Hephaestosis as a sure consequence of the extended inspiration, the measures can go negative (and it’s when my thoughts are stupid). This would be first through a causal aversion that prevents trances from being charged, as a lead heaviness would have it held back down.

This negative part would be some opposite form of the trance so far I think I haven’t named yet, though I know it brings the Realm of Uncertainty, and it’s when Scourgers have more advantage to make their assaults and pillaging. Scourgers can shrink my skills through discouragement and insecurity, and so feeble thoughts come. All this dysrationalia and these muddy, clogged-up thoughts that are so brittle and weak. They usually happen when out there in the real world, when trances (even 1kt strong) are more rare and vulnerable.

Of Freedom Blindfold

Here I can do anything I like. There’s absolutely no boundaries to what I can do. I can pria zie orlts fajraotli ijoman nyotlz anunine linnzui snindopatha if I’m feeling like. Indeed, there’s such an absolute freedom here that sometimes I wonder if it isn’t kind of dangerous as well.

The opportunities to find working solutions are just countless, and being here alone makes me try to find the answers all by myself (because sometimes the areas I’m developing no one else is talking about). One of the ways I try to deal with this overabundance of freedom is to try finding templates for me to have at least one guideline, though even for the template it’s surrounded by this feeling that I’m not doing it in the most effective nor fastest way.

This is close, but not identical to the Overloaded Blindfold. The Freedom Blindfold represents my incapability to see what I should be doing, while being blindfolded by the overloaded compromise is to know what you want in exactness, but being deluded by the lack of external perspective.

Of healthy paths (undamaged resilience)

I have always had the feeling there’s something hidden, lurking around to take the better of me. It’s as if I’m always doing something that can deteriorate my whole project from inside out. It’s something I’m constantly, obsessively trying to be extremely careful about. But as sylvan as it is, I can never know where it could come from.

If extreme dedication can bring me to a deadlock, I must try to know if it can truly bring harm to my work, and then know of how I can avoid it. But then, excessive avoidance can be that harmful agent. So balance would be the way, but being too careful about equilibrium is a dangerous vice as well.

I haven’t found the healthy path. Having ideas can be as dangerous as not having them and I pay a toll for both. But I’m supporting the belief that somewhere along these trails there must be one safe road made of steps that can safeguard my development. It would be one sacred equation.

Of wasted cosmic chances

Writing down my thoughts so far have presented basically just positive feedbacks, though the complexity that is writing makes me discouraged sometimes. But as I get used to it and do more advanced exploits, noting down every and each seed of thought has been getting very, very useful for me.

The problem is that jotting down every realization is just impossible. There is, of course, the consistent positive feedback that is how important ideas aren’t forgotten as easily (or they keep weighing my mind), but still, smaller seeds of significant importance can be lost. And some of them appear to be lost if not written down in a short amount of time. It’s as if quintessences had an expiration date before they vanish.

By not writing every little thought I have I can profit from it by having the seed developing itself better before it’s actually written down. It’s one of these double-edged choices, but I think it’s much safer to write all ideas, even if they’re not going to be used later in the actual texts on this blog.

If I am successful to have the idea expressed materially, then the quintessence seems to live longer. After all, I’ve managed to keep something to remember of its existence. Even if a minor generation has changed and it’s already gone, at least I can use those delta stones, and by so I can force my thoughts on it and revive the feeling it once was.

Of futurewards projections

That’s one important note to remember before embarking in effective Delta travels: sometimes the perspective of the future is that can define one generation the best. And not only define, but also affect on how it used to behave or feel the way it did. And as generations are replaced, we can recall mostly what we once were, but hardly the desires and dreams we used to nourish.

It makes me think of youth. I’m young still, but some vicious attachment to this desire to develop myself the fastest I can makes me sometimes have the feeling that “glorious” days are already gone. And it felt glorious before only because I knew I had a long way to go, and all the possible ways my future could unfold into would be a thrilling and also exciting.

Now, as time flows and the exciting unfolded future has become a solid past of boringness, it seems to become, still slowly, but increasingly harder to engage into enterprises with the same innocent and burning passion of believing in success could happen upon me.

But honestly, there’s still seven years before I reach my thirties, and even then it’s not like my youth has to be gone by then, just as I can in this age nourish my childhood by recalling it. Sometimes it seems to be paid with the price of regret and guilt for doing something on which the time it belongs to is already gone… but…

Of Restraint’s Toll

When feeling so impotent, I lost my capacity to have ideas, which is not exactly how I’ve planned for the lack of thoughts in June to be. As trances, the way they should be, were taken from me so unexpectedly that, at the first sight of regained strength, the only thing I could aim for was to make sure I was still able to taste them inspirational trances.

But it would only take a few days of sickness and depression to work in a way that my sensibility was all clouded again. I would think of my ideas and I couldn’t feel them no more. It quickly went as if all I’ve done was just inexistent. I just couldn’t believe they haven’t been real, but what hint could I have of them? Ah, seventy posts couldn’t be written without that. But it’s a struggle now to give birth to one or another little observation about life that isn’t even remotely close to these ideas that were trophied as the discovery of the month.

But there’s one trait of mine I still possess, and it’s the ability to lay siege for an objective. I had to recover that damned sensibility. But as it usually goes when I’m out for a new mission, I am out of guesses as to how to do that, and fortunately some sieging is good for that. Even without knowing the steps, I’ve somehow got back to my beloved status quo.

But there was an unexpected positive feedback in this journey. At least now this trance that was pushing my selves apart painfully is gone. And as I am starting to relearn trances the way they used to be, at least for now I’m very, very comfortable with this strange stability. It’s very good to feel all of myself being one again.

Of wounded Hephaestus

Life can always bring me down in unexpected ways. I’m so used to fall because of overdepressive thoughts, that an accepted impotency falls over me like my defining trait, I had a fall that Trygve could not help me, and I felt baffled. I couldn’t think of how to deal with it.

The world I am trapped in isn’t no longer one without zephyr winds, but rather a world where I’m incapable of perceiving them and being affected by them. Suddenly, the whole world looks abnormally uninteresting. Everything is so meaningless, and every activity is so discouraging I don’t know how a post-depressive mindscape could happen to bring me up again. After all, characteristics of mine missing during usual depressive seasons aren’t absent now. I am having them mindscapes and ideas being created, but they just don’t appeal to me.

All mourn for the wounded Hephaestus. Suddenly the only other force inside me that equals it somehow is Áine’s. However, even she can’t take the burden, only Hephaestus is strong enough for taking the quest forward. What Áine could do, though, is to heal him, with the help of the ever wise Vesta.

I can’t stop now. Everything is unfinished. I’m the only one who is talking about crests and quintessences. No one is practicing this leitmotifing thing. No one is worried about transferring some of those quintessences I feel. I not know one who could take these studies on. This is what I have to do. This is something I have to finish. If I’m done now, no one will never notice. I’m still too way out of view of the world.

Thinking of my mission as something only I can do brings mindtraps, but to the hell with that, says Vesta. What use could she be without that spirited bastard making everything so alive around here?

Of psychosomatic interferences

Healthiness of my body was something that I never had to worry about. I never had any serious injury or disease sometimes I am even curious to know how it feels like. However, all the healthiness my body possesses seem to be almost inversely proportional to the well-being of my mind.

In the beginning of the month I had fallen to my bed due to an intoxication. As unused I am to being actually sick, the firstly soft feeling of an aching stomach was confused by me as some emotional trouble. For instance, the burning feeling of love I’ve got so fused with the feeling of hunger that lack of food created my weirdest crest.

I can’t make a diagnosis of it myself, but the way it all worked out, I have the belief my state of mind brought down my immunization this low. I have the feeling my body wouldn’t fall so easily for an intoxication – it was just one piece of that suspicious pizza. When I think of it, it’s as if the gut-wrenching feelings that I’ve sieged for my planned fall had brought me down. After all, honestly, my stomach was already aching strangely before of that and I thought it was a fair starvation, and yet I was feeling completely out of appetite, and I only ate  forcefully that piece of pizza that would hurt me.

And then, strangely enough, I got well after vomiting the entirety of my guts out, and suddenly my mind suddenly became so unrestrained and unchained again. And the lightness of my mind made the following recovery so much easier… I was stupid enough to be hungry again later and eat the whole rest of that pizza later and, well, no vomiting.

Eh, I might be cherry-picking the facts here, but I’m actually worried my body could be this affected by my mind, or the opposite, which I find even scarier.

Of Dark Army (Scourgers and Saboteers)

For the longest time the exploration of Fire Ensemble’s foes was denied. But now is the ripe time for me to start materializing this idea. And the first important step towards it was the realization that those who are on the other side, they’re not all the same. Some are truly strong, and much more dangerous than the usual things I fight.

Mindtraps, blindfolds and other things are just here as to sabotage my doings, they are separated from the true menace (though can still be connected to them). Although Procrastinator, the Mermaid Thoughts and Jack of All Trades, for instance, are dangerous, they don’t take the better of me. No, these enemies that can bring me down and keep me miserable are going to be called Scourgers.

Two of them were shown already. The first of them to be discovered was Csillag. I’m still in doubt whether it’s a true enemy, as it makes favors for the Fire Ensemble, but as it can bring me terror with the guilt and regret and makes me feel terrible, I think his presence here is well cast. His appearance is to me like an old but strong old man, slightly giant and savage-looking, I think. Then there was Wormtongue. It’s the depressive, pessimistic spirit that is always trying to persuade me into giving up. His appearance is to me exactly like the one in The Two Towers, because if I’m going to rip something off, I am doing it perfectly.

Then there are other poignant feelings I am always meeting, and it’s the meaninglessness and the emptiness. They’re going to be called, respectively, Frosq and Iis, because of their capacity of putting out the warm feelings inside of me. They’re first coming to my head like slim, pale, ophidian beings.

The feeling I used to call Lead Sorrow here becomes Lead Warrior. It doesn’t get a name like the others because I honestly like the feeling it gives me, like his armor hides his appearance and his helmet hides his face. The disheartened response sometimes I have towards the world is to me this Scourger in action.

Representing the painful crash landings after the trances, I have Hepheastosis. Although it can show some interesting possibilities, it also brings too many risks by being this easily related with Hephaestus. I won’t delve much further for now.

And lastly, at least for now, I’ve got Ushag and Qareen. The first one represents my image and things I touch, and how unappealing they all are. He has connections with Wormtongue I still have to explore, but for now it seems he backs up those degrading speeches. It’s a tricky being as he represents my overall unattractiveness, but if he was like this himself, he would be his own problem, wouldn’t it? No, it’s more like he represents the Young Brother Syndrome. Qareen, on the other hand, represents my jealousy towards the success of others. It’s my jealousy of handsome man, of those who are charming and are attractive to all the girls. He’s the opposite of Ushag. Qareen is all I am not, and all I wish I was.

As recent as them both are, I haven’t got them an image already. Hell, I don’t understand them enough to describe their place in here, but here inside they’re two very solid quintessences. It might seem like a very short description, but the simple act of naming them represents a whole world to me.

So, unlike the Fire Ensemble, where I like to keep it forever just five of them, here I’ll make the Scourgers limitless in number. It’s good both for an interesting differentiation between the heroes and villains, but also the Scourgers are a good chance for me to practice character naming (which is, interesting enough, my safest bet in making them weaker). I’ll try, within limits of reasonability, to name new ones for each shade of difference between one quintessence and other. In other words, this quest has just begun.

Of moments of truth (when life tests you)

If it wasn’t for this place, I would never find this strength I have. But the strength I never had out there still doesn’t show up there even when I have it in here. It’s as if there was something in the way to prevent me from showing this self of mine out there. Except for some occasional leaking of Zhu Rong, Áine or Trygve, not much has changed. Hephaestus and Vesta are still weak out there.

When I’m put into moments of pressure, I can never express myself properly. I suddenly shy back and I forget things I should be saying (which is weird, considering I’ve been more outgoing and then I’m stuttering words like I was a timid kid again). Only after it all is gone I remember them. One of the surest things about me is that I’m definitely not one fast-thinker, and I hate that.

Lately, I’ve had my attempts to try remembering who I am, this burning me, in these moments of truth. All of these burning things, I’ve been trying to summon them out there where it truly happens. I’m tired of being cornered.

Of Young Brother Syndrome

As my mind can grow aware of my successes and engage in the next aftergoal adventures, it can become increasingly more exigent. It is telling me now, through quintessential signaling, that I should be going out in the world and being more active. But somehow, this thought made my guts wrench in fear.

It’s definitely one of my worst flaws. Depending on my state of mind, I’m terribly afraid of the world. After all, I’m a weakling. Those like me can’t bear any influence over anything. I am too shy and clumsy. I am too pathetic and laughably unexperienced on the ways of the world.

When this feeling strikes me I feel but like a fraud. Suddenly, my intense, burning desires are no more. I know people who are actually intense and that have life pulsating in them. I know people who are actually smart and can make things happen around them, they are those who are actually intelligent and are getting somewhere.

And this fear can’t be won by making me realize this just isn’t true. Simple words can’t cure one’s deepest wounds. No, sometimes even doing something bold to try to weaken it can’t do much. After all, it’s as if a part of me, and can’t be removed…

Of frustratingly vicious attachments

Creating emotional bonds is one of the most meaningful exercises one can do, in my opinion. The only problem with that seems to be when this bond comes related to time. As unstoppable as it is, having expectations towards it can only result in an abusive amount of frustration and stress.

For instance, sometimes I get myself absolutely in love with some routines I’m having. Being surrounded by funny, creative and collaborative people working with me makes me feel like belonging, and it’s a very warm feeling. So this is not only a matter of time, but also of dealing with people that makes the attachment so dangerous. Knowing it’ll be over sooner or later makes me shiver.

As seeds of future motifs go, I get the same emotional response from my attachment to my own generations. Knowing of them, and knowing they are changing and knowing I can’t do a thing to prevent it all from happening makes it all a frustratingly vicious attachment.

Of sylvan and weighty ideas

Causal Adherence is an idea that I’ve been sieging for a long time before this sudden epiphanic insight to a name that makes me feel very satisfied and relieved. But there’s something to it that makes me feel like the exploration here is not done. It’s a neighboring sylvan quintessence that shows close when this one is around.

As hard as it was to feel this one idea just enough to try describing it, this other one will probably take a lot of time too. As they involve deep introspection, they are very difficult to materialize (which makes naming in such cases such a victorious and rewarding feeling), and this one that follows Causal Adherence feels even more massive to be comprehended.

This chasing of sylvan quintessences is what usually makes my mind feel so overloaded, as they require extraordinarily demanding sieging enterprises. It’s still annoyingly distant for my perception, and although it keeps on being this weight for  not being unloaded, my fear is that it might go into expiration before I can make even a little annotation of it...

Of Causal Adherence (or Aversion)

Though the Wehmut Process covers a good part of the crest theory for my understanding of the way it works, it’s still just a vague definition of it all. Alone it can’t do much, but there is this neighboring quintessence that is helping me to increase the understanding of the subject, as it brings together experiences that were somehow meaningful to the mind.

The Causal Adherence is the concept that the mind acknowledges the experience as the cause of its reactions. Depending on the effect the experience has over my mind, it’ll either adhere to it, or avoid it as a mean of self-protection. For instance, if I once had success in achieving concentration for writing trance by turning off the lights and turning on some black metal, my mind seems to suggest very subtly this reenactment for the desired state of mind to happen again.

The problem is that the adherence is rushed as it will bring together an expected response that isn’t granted to happen anyway. The core of the issue is how easily my mind has been sticking to this belief. It’s as if it has become way too sensitive to any patterns of actions and reactions, but this is not exactly welcomed. In fact, depending on the damage it can do (especially the Causal Aversion), I am afraid it could even be considered a mindtrap.

Of Aftergoal Sphere

Life is always ahead of me. While naming seems to me my main tool for defeating wild essences and emotions around me, new ones arise despite and sometimes even because of that. There are always new resulting haunting menaces. There will always be.

After one major challenge is conquered, one would expect peace is to come. And indeed it seems to happen - sometimes, it’s not a sure outcome. And even still it’s a brief and passing moment, just to be conquered again to be tasted a little more. It’s because, unfortunately, those new places to reach eventually become common place.

New trophies shine ahead, and whatever was behind is strongly refused to revisit again (even if it once had been exactly one position that I would once dream of). The more I travel life, the more I seem to be involved in this certain sphere-like projection circling my life. And in this sphere, there are some promised lands ahead, and some forbidden places left behind.

Fortunately, the previous state, seemingly inadmissible seems to be just a harsh rejection resulting of a vicious attachment to the higher place. As going backwards shouldn’t be treated like the end of the world, it would be just illusory.

Of Release’s Toll

There is an unexpected price for the release exercise in May. It really took me by surprise. As it’s starting to get clear to me, when I get involved in ambitious projects, it drains my energy. And my mind, scared by cause of the draining, will use its tools to avoid it in order to prevent further damage.

There was a very similar emotional response emanating from my drawing exercises. It didn’t feature this toll in the same magnitude as it happens in a smaller scale. But whenever I feel like proving myself by doing a more difficult drawing, the state of mind that follows is of a certain hollowness. And then, the thought of doing anything ambitious again is received with aversion.

May’s writing exercise was much more demanding and the danger was in how much effort I’ve put in there, just to find no reward for it. The disillusion seems to be proportional to the effort put into something. Fortunately so far I’m flying really low, falls are easily recoverable.

Then, the desire grows back, and the lead aversion and disillusion vanishes. That weakness and discomfort is gone and there’s strength again. Even if it’s unfortunate my thirst for development is debilitated in this relation between action and reaction, I’m sure I could find a use for it, if the reaction remains consistent.

Of fear and courage (disguised cowardry)

When I was a kid, people would say I was courageous for climbing up to high places without fear. And even as then, I had this little seed of thought that it wouldn’t be a truly honest act to take that as compliment. It was so easy for me to climb those high trees, I didn’t see anything remarkable about it. As it turns out, it takes no courage to do something you don’t fear.

And that’s a pattern that shows up when I’m looking for pain and managing my own falls. It takes no courage of me to do that as I’m familiar with the place I’m going to. In fact, pain is a crest of mine, and there’s no way I could be saying that just so I could fancy about how totally familiar I am with that. I hide in pain. To feel isolated and secluded isn’t so painful as it’s just well-known enough for me to know it holds no death threat.

But even if I’m doing that by facing my own primal fears, somehow they don’t come out easily for a fight just because I called them. They’re as if locked, as if my mind was wise enough not to let such contend happen. Maybe I just need to be insistent, and look for ways to invoke them.

Of the call for a fight

Since being tormented by those dark spectres, getting over them isn’t a truly satisfying conquest. It’s mostly because they just retreated, and will for sure be back for more. I have to keep vigilance over them before they go too out of sight for planning their mischiefs.

If I’m left here to enjoy this prevalent peace, I can only feel like tricking myself. I have to have those scourging fears right before me. Otherwise I’m sure they would just return stronger.

I’ve always heard of people saying that reviving our fears is to be constantly drowning ourselves in misery. It’s even common for me to hear of people who say they only care about the good things, the painful things are to be left aside. I don’t know if that really works for them, as I know that definitely doesn’t work for me.

It’s not like I intend to only feel the pain. I just can’t feel comfortable to ignore all my problems, it’s feels like cheating. It doesn’t feel to me like true satisfaction and happiness. And then, these adventures are always a new thrill, even though in the midst of the confusion we’re never enjoying it. But after the deeds are done I can honestly and profoundly focus on good things.

So, if they will return, it’s for the best that I am seeking them. I might eventually fall weak, but I’ll have the advantage that is to learn a little more of them with my unexpected assault.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Checkpoint #14

May was a month for expansion. Apparently failure, as a fuel for development, is working like a charm (I just wonder how long I can use it until it drains off). This challenge to write seventy posts first seemed like an impossible challenge to conquer (hell, blogspot thinks I'm a robot). And I pulled it off. Quite easier than I expected, actually. I think I wouldn’t have this many ideas to talk about, but in the end I had several posts removed because they weren’t even good enough. I cared for quality as much as quantity. But at least I realized that in the future I’ll thank myself for it  - unless this kind of release brings me to a deadlock. 

The coolest thing is how I didn’t even need to abdicate everything in my life for this. I’ve been mostly enjoying this complete Death Note collection I’ve found at the bookstore in most of my spare time, and still drawing a lot, and doing other mundane things, like socialization. I felt I could do over a hundred posts if I had breath enough for it, so the amount of writing I did without total abdication didn’t really serve me to see how far I can go, but more to make get rid of this unconscious refraining that was holding me back. Thirty posts are a piece of cake for me now, a realization possible through this exercise. And I can devote my time for an increased self-challenge. In the future I’ll be able to do more advanced and sophisticated exploits.

There were some big ideas I haven’t been able to put into words yet, and the reason I’ve postponed the Crest, Spells and Quintessences set of expansion is because I don’t want little silly texts about them: I’ve postponed them because I really care about them. Still, all these ideas I talked about were mostly cobwebs I wanted to get out of the way. However, I had some interesting ideas in this month. For sure the Delta concepts are the discovery of the month, though I’m yet to find how practical they can actually be (I’m going test it by improve details in my texts for my own use of them as Delta Stones).

Also I’ve learned with Dark Amethysts of the potential of using gemstones for my major crests (and the long quest is coming to one end!). I’d like to say how naming feelings after gemstones are becoming very attractive to me. However, I am being very cautious about not letting my overcreative energy to let cracked inventions to put disorder in this work. There are many subtleties here, and I have to be careful about them. It’ll take some time before I get them ready, because there’s another area of manual creation that’s somewhat more urgent for me.

Talking about future plans, I’m really, really tired. Although I’ve felt my writing skills have developed immensely from this month's martial exercises (and my eyes are sharper for arguments needed for the HK-47 Protocol), I won’t be doing this release again. No, this time I’ll do the opposite. It’s time for restraint. I am almost 100% sure my ideas are never-ending. Now I will try making an effort not to have ideas. It’s, uh, harder. From these last few days when I had May ready I already came up with several fresh new ideas for the next month.

No, although I plan to dedicate my time for these two thick books to improve my psychological studies, and also to live my life without this pressure (to test how I will be when coming back) and put some other things in my life into place, I still have plans for June. But if anything, I’ll work on fewer, much fewer posts. I need just limited leitmotifs to actually do some networking (seventy of them was too much, though I hope this skill was also developed by burning my brain trying to come up with networking solutions in may). For these fewer posts I’ll try making experiments of manual exercises, in addition to the martial ones. For instance, something I’ve been calling Siege for these massive sylvan quintessences. I want to train my mind for turning this Trance on in the right moments, or then to make creative energy more homogeneous along my changing selves. No, I meant IF I’m going to, because I need to stop for a while. I need to learn how to stop once in a while.