Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Of death and relief

This is the end.

I didn't really think as much about this as I should. But I just realized it ought to happen and I find myself feeling okay with this. I would never want this to die and there was a time when I'd grieve terribly at hints of its demise, but this is now ripe for the moment. And I'm so honestly okay with this, because I'm feeling I'm close to coming with terms with myself and am much more peaceful now compared to the distressful days that brought this project a birth.

I feel to my heart my work here is, whilst incomplete, almost overdone. I can't stop feeling this isn't inspirational as it once was. I got used to a formula that is not fun anymore and I can't force it to come back the way it was. So before it starts necrosing into an unbearable sore, this will now become my past set to be remembered with fond. I'm proud of the effort I poured into this and I changed through these months and years, and I what I'm leaving behind is my past. But not a forsaken one. More like a museum.

I did accomplish a lot here, in almost three years. A big book-worth colleciton of thoughts with almost one thousand texts published. Not a single comment, but heh, whatever about that now. So, not fully, but I developed myself and improved my writing skills and ways of expressing myself more efficiently. It is with much more ease now that I can express my ideas and feelings... I used to get all confused and lost back then. From my initial expectation, there were ideals I didn't reach, some I did and reached others I wasn't expecting at all. For instance, glad of this huge lore that sprouted and flourished incidentally, naturally. And they are to keep evolving. There are quintessences to work, gems to collect, mindscapes to find, qmus to feel, dioramas to shape, scourgers to fight. Ideas to have. Worlds to create. This spirit will always go on with me. With me in future enterprises.

A story told short, I wasn't feeling the development no more and I need to cut the stagnation off. See, I said this before, but I need something new. I've just started using what I've learned here to do something at last. From here on, I'll see those things as actual intellectual property, so I have new challenges that I've started practicing. It's not entirely mindblowingly revolutionary, but makes me feel a long-forgotten thrill, which is always a good sign.

This is not a bad day. Because this is the end, but also a new beginning.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Checkpoint #33

 December was a month of reclaiming. Got back my health and confidence. Gaining weight, finally. Starting to waste less of my time. And a lot of misplaced and scattered traits as I rummaged through my innards in november seem safe and restored. I feel like I have close drawers again, and I feel walking around less clumsly. Interesting thing, life... this is just quite the very opposite of twelve checkpoints ago.

Can say I have all my flames back. The problems between Hrungnir and Zhu Rong through the year just switched, and now Zhu Rong is mostly with me, and Hrungnir just troubling me a few minutes every day, and that's amazing. Just maybe Hephaestus is going through a little process of renovation. A little annoying and tad bit dangerous I have to admit, but I know how to keep myself refreshingly inspired, and I can happily say the year got to its end with a beautiful positive note. A happy ending, which is strange, since secondines always bring in their ends the most aprehensive cliffhanger of the trilogy.

Though considered a year of failure, 2013 at least was special in some ways. In exchange of all the productivity, I had a year lived differently, and it brought some broadening to my spirit. This year I got some important social gains, as far as Hrungnir would let me. And now in 2014 however I need to work hard. Harder than ever. And with Zhu Rong, I am quite optimistic this will bring me a time of goldilocks.

As a resolution for this new year, I don't think I need to start changing. I already did in december. So I feel I mostly just need to extend it further. Regarding my texts, I've been thinking very hard about this, and I decided it's time for some changes here. I'm tired of this pace, sick of my voice. But I'm not giving up. I just need something new. I need a new challenge, a radical change, and a chance to do something I can be more proud of. I am not giving up on my eva engines, I just will try something new for a while, and keep the evas working in second plan. By the way, prize is up for Exoverses.

Also, this is the time for me to clean up my life from bad infections. Cleasing my life from all negative influence. Taking away from my life all that brings me down. All that brings me regret. All that makes me feel unworthy and insecure. I'll just do what is good for me, that and those which bring me learning and well-being.

It's hard to imagine what surprises stand veiled for the next twelve months, and that's such a great amount of time, and a lot of things can happen. Big things. Also good ones, I usually don't expect it that way. I just want to think I have what is needed to deal with the bad things. I'll work on making Ilium's walls stronger than ever, so to avoid scourgers entirely, or to make abscission arks safer.

Thing is, I know that can't happen. I won't feel happy and strong thoroughout the whole of the year. I will feel sad and desperate somewhen in there. But that's how life goes, I just will take my chance to deal with them decently. Usually I would feel anxious about stepping through the threshold, but since this is my chance to do all I couldn't in 2013. I have renewed dreams and hopes, and since now I can feel the STRENGTH...