Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Of Hermetic Rule

Being plagued by this thalassic curse makes me feel as returning quintessences are much more frequent if I’m trying to talk about them in that state. It’s the reason why I feel I had so many ideas coming over the same subject, and here I already have at least three names for this problem of connecting ideas together.

The idea of Eva Engines itself is the main reactor of this new era, but there’s also the idea of Eva Joints, which is about the connection of the existing topics, and also ungapping the unexplored vertices of the circle to be analyzed. The photic factory is about the security against feeble ideas, but selecting the solid ones and trying to find the solid ground as a foundation, so further development won’t feel as unstable. The photic factory is also responsible for allowing as little returning quintessences as possible, as it’s something I’m finding closely related to the levels of the Oceanic Framework.

So, for this necessity of mine to keep everything simple and clean, and without many repetitions and messy confusion, and quite wrapping up these previous elements, I’m using the Hermetic Rule as the official name for this.

This is the moment when my project enters in a rather serious area. This is something like the asteroid field where the crossing is much trickier. But I feel I can make advance because there are constant q. ropes for me to find, and it’s by making my way through this solid assembling that I’ll finally feel I’ve accomplished something. It feels like there could be some sort of an endline, which I never even thought would someday exist in here, though I’m not reaching anytime soon.

Of photic factory (eva joints)

My constant worry these last weeks was the lack of the solid connection between all these little ideas. After all, I started recalling some of them, and even thought of new ideas, and while I noticed they were like part of the same engine, I felt it was missing a joint to connect them.

I’m so full of seeds and sparkles, but I want them to be more long-living and I want them to become something solid, something presentable. I want them to attach to some eva engine and not just be so random piece of thought. And now I’m feeling the thoughts that meet those new requirements are much rare now.
Because of this, I’m feeling a certain unsavory taste when having a new idea, as I’m each time bringing a different kind of analogy or something that doesn’t ring together with the others. And not only that, but also it lacks that solidity that prevents me from tripping over returning quintessences. And the boost of enthusiasm I used to feel when having an idea is rather rare, and so this new kind of labor, trying to joint the ideas together like this, demands much more skill and astuteness of me, and it wears me out much faster.

But the importance of photic isn’t to make something big, but rather on the contrary, I don’t want gigantic pieces of work. In fact, the more concise it is, the better was the job, I guess, and that’s how important this concept I’m calling Photic Factory is. It’s about working with those very solid foundations, I guess (not totally sure about the meaning of the concept, I’m afraid). It’s as if when composing a song or something and the raw juice is there to guide, very dense and without unnecessary additions.

Of thalassic load

Often I find myself strangely empty so I try to find new things to please my mind with. New books, new music or new thoughts and ideas to make me feel surrounded by zephyrous winds. But strangely, this time I had all those thoughts, but suddenly I felt as if I had so much of them and I couldn’t get them off my head.

And they feel as if accumulating and weighing. They feel strangely thalassic for too long of a time, as if they couldn’t mature in time to become texts so it’s hard to talk about them, as they barely have a shape. And as they are accumulating, they also don’t care if they won’t be unloaded, and it seems my mind is still being loaded with thoughts and it’s more than I can take.

One of the reasons this overload is more stressing than ever is because I’m suddenly concerned about talking about ideas that won’t last. Up to this day I was mostly talking about everything coming to my mind, but as time passes by I’m finding myself much more exigent about what I am talking here, and apparently my own oceanic measurement seems to have changed, as what could be considered photic is much more rare.

But then again, though rather uncomfortable, that could be a good sign. As far as I can remember, this has always happened before some ordering droplet came by. This is the usual feeling I have before the birth of any big idea, construction or realization. It’s the chaos that slowly becomes patterns, trails, motions and rhythms that will become a photic-shaped creation

Of pelagic transition and confusion

With the latest definition of the stage of my thoughts and ideas, I was suddenly noticing it had potential to describe other things too (and can also be used with braudelian framework). This oceanic framework apparently can be applied to other things in this allegorical/equation fashion, as this bears a code that can be used to other areas other than the initial use of measuring surfacing thoughts and ideas.

But the point is, it suddenly became useful to explain a certain thought I’ve been having. I’m calling it pelagic transition the moment when a state smoothly becomes another state, like darkness comes to light, or day to night. There is a moment when one becomes the other, but first I’m thinking about some skills related to this.

A color becomes another, the sound becomes silence and the character grows to become another person. But how does the artist, the musician or author manage to accomplish a perfect transition like this? There’s a binary change when there’s the softest stroke and there’s the plain white. It’s as if there’s a moment when you can’t try to blur the transition no more and just accept the steep step in the transition.

But when the artist is skilled enough to overcome the problem of pelagic transition, it can happen he is so masterly skilled that he can also strike the viewer with what I call pelagic confusion. It means a work of art when definition can’t be precise. I don’t know if the line of shoulders is going up or down, if the note was higher or lower. It’s a baffling thing to see something like this happen, as how can it possibly be confusing. It’s a binary matter, it will go up or down and there’s no way it can be both, but somehow the artist has found a glitch to confuse our minds, and I think it creates a nice emotional response from the viewer. It’s as if the artist managed to reverse his work to thalassic perception, which is a mindblowing achievement, as technically it’s a finished work and therefore a photic piece.

This idea goes to pretty much anything where there are two states close together. For instance, pelagic transition could also be the line between being awake and asleep, and it’s a rather strange place, this narrowed point of pelagic confusion.

Of Oceanic Framework

As usual, there is some pattern to how my ideas develop. Just as it happened with Lazulite before Gems came, and Gamma which was followed by the Greek Coordinates, now it’s time for the lonely idea of thalassic shapes to grow into something bigger. It’s now part of a three-stage measurement system for my thoughts I’m going to call Oceanic Framework.

So, Thalassic level, as already made plain, is about that zone when ideas, thoughts and feelings are undefined. This is when seeds of ideas are first born, and there are other faint realizations that are just ghostly shapes that are very hard to grasp and hold. Thalassic creations are also quintessential as it is simply a soup without a shape, though at first it holds little mass to even attract my attention.

The next stage is the under-construction phase. When the thalassic quintessence has enough mass to call my attention and I grow aware of its presence, it slowly finds its way into the pelagic stage. This is about the transition but also the constant state of modification when I’m trying to understand it. It’s not something that I can say it already is, but it’s some sort of shape already. That is, as it comes closer to the surface it gets more solid, but can still manipulated. Basically, this could be the longer level of them all, and I can say almost virtually all of my ideas are in the spectrum of Pelagic stage.

Photic is more of a theoretical definition, a proposed concept, than something I actually feel quintessentially. But it represents the clear definition and it’s the hypothetical surface and end of the line. In a way an idea starts heading towards photic stage when I do something about it, like sowing the first seed to stream into a greater concept. Through some trances I can be gifted with a rather strong photic concept, but which was mostly brewing through weeks and months. It happens when I give it a Name (with a capital letter), and it’s how solid the concept just becomes after this (sometimes I capitally name an idea before it’s in a safe photic stage and so it doesn’t last). When I think about it, I think idea of crests and gems are the closest concepts to photic that I have, and it’s more because they have a lot to be unveiled, but below future creations there’s some rather solid foundation and they’re solid and consistent enough to be considered photic.

To put it all in an example, all stuff already classified is already becoming photic, but the ones that are still so mysterious and sylvan are thalassic, like these mere presences that flashes by and are always distant somehow. Those I have perceived but I didn’t have a word for it yet, or that I’ve just started a stream of development, are in pelagic level. If I happen to name an idea that is just perfect and I won’t ever have doubts about it (such as crests and quintessences, which are pretty solid and useful definitions they won’t probably fall as a trap to returning quintessences so often as other weaker definitions), I think that would be the photic conclusion.

One thing I like about this framework is that it doesn’t have to be entirely restrict to measuring solidity of my thoughts, but it can rather be used for several other stuff, such as, well, any piece of work as it can be conceptualized and enters production stage, and then there’s an actual photic definition, which is the final version of it. You see, this very text could have gone through this process.

Of Playtesting

Whenever I build any kind of theory in here, I try to be careful enough to try it out in the world first. It’s some sort of examination to test the validation of my ideas, and see if they can keep working afterwards after all I’ve considered, and if the antithesis didn’t actually take the better of my hypothesis.

One of my examples of systems and theories is when I go out to see if my gems are doing a good work in explaining my experiences. And it works plentifully solid to some extent, even if there are enough gem-defying mindscapes that show me here and there some flawed and/or unexplored part of it. Though I’m having problems with some gems, overall they are feeling quite solid.

However, Tankobon I and II are the only engines of mine that are strong enough to keep being developed. For Tankobon III there’s a screaming red alarm indicating several critical errors. These other texts are lacking a complete solid ground, and working on them as they are is dangerous, and I need to rebuild the entire Tankobon III facility.

The reason why I and II survive there must be mostly due to the Q. Rule which is protecting me enough of brilliantly stupid ideas, (and because they’re most inner-oriented perceptions, which must facilitate the studies) but that can’t be all. It seems to me stage of solidity the thoughts find themselves in when I talk about them is partly relevant to this process of avoiding quintessential problems that make the Hangar III such a messy place.

Of mathematical intuition

The difference between reason and emotion is still confusing to me, to the point sometimes I can’t quite point when one ends and the other starts. Maybe I never had reason at all, because even my most logical achievements seem to feature a tint of sensitivity that’s so inherent to emotions.

So there’s been lately an interest on my part upon the exact sciences, and thinking a lot about mathematics and numbers. It’s not only this pleasant experience that is to feel their solid correlations and arcane and powerful secrets of geometry they seem to possess in their interactions that we only now and then see glimpses of patterns. No, I’m currently finding it more enchanting the effect that enough practice can bring, as the speed that mathematical thinking can reach.

It can get so fast that it seems to burst into emotional ground and numbers become quintessential perceptions and each time more complex operations can be made in the blink of the eye. And for sure, I know that I can do my math faster when it’s feeling intuitive enough for me. And the waves of thoughts running through numbers leave trails, patterns that create a structure of motion and rhythm, and from there I feel a bigger pattern, a huge, thalassic-level clockwork arrangement. 

Of patterned frontiers of knowledge

There’s in the fields of physics and mathematics topics that have been of my interest lately. I’ve been paying attention to some discussions regarding physics and how the Standard Model to explain the world once in a while is confronted by discoveries of elements, particles and forces that aren’t covered by that theory, such as the Neutrinos (which was birth a proposed concept before it was a testified thing), and this whole Higgs particle business.

What I see is scientists struggling to understand those events in a way that the theory can be complete, and while I appreciate these efforts I’m struck with a very familiar feeling, this sensation of being without ground and trying to make sense out of something that so complex and hard to visualize.

I feel a little more comfortable, as even the greatest minds have the same struggle. It’s also humbling to realize that too. We are so used to think the greatest minds have everything so worked and sorted out, that science has everything answered, that seeing their own baffling attempts to understand their surroundings makes us see how human we all are. It’s all a great mystery, this whole life/world/universe thing, but we see the glimpses of patterns and it gives us passion and hope to one day understand it all.

Of Matrix Mode

As part of my plans to deal with the volume of thoughts left in the Tankobon III, I was primarily wondering about the equations and behavioral knowledge. It was quite hard to make advances on that, to be honest. It’s as if it was such a subtle of a skill that it withers easily.

What I’m referring as Matrix Mode is basically one kind of trance (such as Zephyrous Zenith is also another alternate depiction of overall concept trance represents). In a way, this could easily be a worldly lesson from the movie, though I am left to think the following interpretation went quite independently mine.

Clearly, this is one of the themes I’m always searching around, and it’s around the concept first initiated with the Braudel’s Framework and later more elegantly defined as Undercurrents and Vortexes. Most of my thoughts about analogies and allegories were following this. And that’s the connection with the equations and behavioral knowledge, which are the shapeless patterns that we see in different systems (I’m commonly finding in developing skills, or exploration).

As a trance, it’s when I manage to observe the things beyond what their surface shadows show - it’s really like an undercurrent force. It’s something similar to a dance and being connected and flowing along the world, so every brick and building becomes deconstructed for me to see find the codes behind. Correction, it’s observing, not just seeing.

Of perilous omega trances

Unfortunately only a low percentage of my thoughts are worthy of being mentioned. It’s only in an inspirational trance that I can find a solid meaning behind things and be filled with quintessences to become future texts and possibly a part of an eva engine. But then there are some kind of trances that are specially menacing for all of this.

I never took time to analyze much of the top-left part of the greek coordinates and the relation between Gamma and Omega. But it seems I’ve found a relation for both. I don’t know if Gamma comes in an omega condition or if omega starts increasing with feebleness of my thoughts, but when I am around this corner of the greek coordinates, my thoughts are a weak construction that eventually wreaks down.

These ideas come without that kind of sweet guidance, and they usually reveal themselves to be brilliantly stupid ideas. As opposed to full trances when I feel excited and everything, these are trances that will start making me confused as even though they’re ideas, they’re making me somewhat insecure and tired, as they turn out to be chaotic droplets that disperse any order I’ve been building so far.

As I’m growing a little more concerned about trying to joint together little ideas together that I hope can remain alive just longer, I’m avoiding this Omega-Gamma conditions at all costs while I seek to find the highest Alpha-Gamma, which bring these thick trances that will do me the favor of piling up my thoughts together.

Of alpha survival

I have always been skeptical about all those stories when people go against all the overwhelming odds and succeed or even survive. It seems so illusory and I couldn’t ever take it seriously. But apparently there’s a good reason for so, there’s something that can explain it, and it all has to do with motivation.

This alpha buildup really adds a lot to being incredibly resistant. As for the constantly motivated person, they are the ones who will survive the cold, the humiliation, the long road to recover. They look weak but inside they’re burning and they shine in moments of need. There’s never anything so great of an obstacle that will deter them. Waking up every morning and working all day long in the same tiresome routine isn’t nothing if there’s such a good focus on the object of motivation.

The effect of success and survival seems more noticeable in unmotivated behavior than in the properly motivated one, though. I say that because that’s what we see the most in our daily lives. When one doesn’t care about something, it’s really easy to give up of it. There’s nothing that makes the person see their effort being worth.

I think it’s also a matter of love and passion, and a little bit of hope too. Passionate people will resist anything that’s thrown at them, while, of course, the careless one won’t be as much patient, tolerant or even forgiving.

And in order to be a survivor, one asks one of the probably oldest questions alive: “how to keep the passion alive?”

Of surprising personalities

It’s common to find me thinking about people to the point where the subject no longer is the person I’m observing, but a character of its own. Fortunately I know that these thoughts usually leave minimum trace behind, so the disaster that could happen is easily avoided – that is, filling myself with all sorts of preconceptions about them.

Anyway, it’s when I’m observing those people and creating characters that I’ve been noticing one nice pattern. Apparently thinking of a hidden secret of this person might make suddenly feel like a very alluring and enchanting character.

For instance, there’s this rich-looking woman here, and I long to be wrong about her personality. Maybe she’s single against all odds. Maybe she’s insecure (against all odds). By this point, I’m already with a character in my mind, and it’s getting a life of its own (like a quintessential soup of some sort). And it’s interesting that I’m finding this pattern coming up more often with those rich and successful people, adding element of having a broken cog inside them.

Rich people are usually good for those exercises because I’m suddenly noticing (and I hope it’s not just a mermaid effect of polarization) that rich people are usually boring and those who mostly lack an interesting personality (money can’t buy that, and apparently it even takes that away from us). They have no struggles and, who cares about them.

But I think there’s more than simply finding a flaw for an otherwise perfect and successful person. Usually a surprising twist can be enough for it. This apparently weak or clumsy person reveals himself to be strong and a good leader in moments of need. Revelations about sexuality might not always be the best trigger for this event. I think it can work but it can be a cheap trick, as it’s not the sexuality itself that makes the character exceptional, but the possibility of it being a conflict for them (and shouldn’t we have more characters who have other problems bigger than their own sexuality to define them?). I think an apparently feminine woman showing signs of not giving importance to delicate and fragile things might work for a charismatic personality.

But I wonder again if this would really be a grail for character-making. This would be dealing with the problem of inflation. If all characters reveal this pattern, it becomes bland in a minute. No, the trick lies in the distribution of unpaired elements.

Of expanded identity

For several reasons, including the creativity factors involving it, I try to understand the notion of identity, and how it is created, reproduced and expanded. It’s very important for learning and creation, as once I can understand these behavioral elements of the composition that managed to capture the atmosphere I want, I can create something of my own without making a copy of it.

So once in a while I see myself playing with existing concepts in my mind. That is, I like trying to find any hidden possibilities unexplored so far, especially with ideas that seem so perfect and round in their own forms.

How do we bring new things that will not only fit in the created universe, but also give it new assets and icons? How do we make sequels that will feel like an admissible expansion of the original? How can we make a sequel that will have an even more strong identity than the first one? How can I make the solo of that song go longer and still feel it’s still part of the first imagined version? How else can this feeling be reproduced in different manners? How can it be expanded and still remain zephyrous while still lingering around the same area? How can I inseminate new elements to a series without making it clear a new hand was added to the work?

Overall the main concern here is to know how to bring new elements and original branches that are fit to the existing concept and don’t feel intrusive or making it change its own identity completely. It’s about knowing when other novel components match the idea and brings a nice chemical reaction to the existing idea, and so it can maintain and expand and sort of lengthen the core feeling of the concept.

But this can be dangerous, as everything can always turn out to be. Maybe milking all the possibilities out of any concept or idea can render it thin and fragile, and it could dry dead and pale. Maybe the unexplored corners that leave a taste of unquenched thirst is what can actually make some identities so alluring and enchanting…

Of chemical and mechanical stories

Writing a script seems a hard business. I wouldn’t ever think of being able to write one, but it’s just eventually happening as I’m suddenly and unexpectedly finding some answers that solve a lot of my insecurities. And so one day I just realized that stories are just a matter of things going out of control. Any set with a peaceful flow is telling us nothing. Just like the usual idea of health being the ability to feel nothing, a normal routine or working flow also doesn’t appeal us at all.

Stories are born from conflicts and disbalance, by the peace that can’t be maintained. The first sparkle of attrition breeds a story, and it only ends when the disaccord of forces is gone – sometimes it’s mostly by elimination of the opposing side.

What I’m starting to notice is that a story starts when a new element falls in some peaceful organism. It could mean an instantaneous assimilation and then, done, it’s over. Or then it will stand a menace to the organism, and leading it to, well, inflammations and diseases. The medication and therapy will be the forces used to eliminate this conflict.

But the analogy also can be made with machineries, as a cog that falls out of the place is the beginning of a new conflict, especially if its place is vital in the processes of the machine. It can start by making the agility of the machine decrease, and it can also eventually make the machine explode or fall apart.

One interesting thing I’m noticing with this, though, is how this feels like a governmental propaganda for facing misfits. But this can be seen like the fallen cog is the rebel one and it’s the one we should cheer for.

Of Design, Tone and Stroke

Following this slow and questionable selfsourcing attempt to develop my own studies, I’ve had some new thoughts on the making of music, which isn’t much of a great theory, but hey, that’s what I have and I have to keep sowing these little seeds and so maybe it’ll naturally grow into something someday (or maybe not, who knows).

So it seems to me a nice melody is made of three elements. First one, design is about the way notes are displayed. The original design for a melody makes it be recognized without the tone, it’s the ups and ups and downs and leaps between tones and semitones. One classic type of design is making some proto-riff and then finishing in a high note and then repeating that pattern again and finishing in a lower note. Or then it could be the buildup of a fairly balanced structure and somehow bringing an element out of the expected tempo or something that will create a tension as the melody almost seems to fall out of the compass and out of control, and then using the conclusion to fix it back to normal rhythm.

Tone gives the song the aura and soul as it’s about combining the notes in a handmade way, and exploring music outside the C scale, and adding accidents and breaking the TTstTTTst design. Gypsy and arabic scales give some spicy tones that add an extra feeling to the songs, but be moderate.

Third, stroke is more about the tempo, speed, stress of notes and vigor. It’s mostly the emotional part, to add the feeling and groove, aggressiveness or tranquility. It can be the gentle touch of fingers or nails, or then using the pick and thrash the hell out of the strings. It can also be about textures and other experimentations with the instrument.

It’s important that the melody is strong in all three aspects, though it will stand out if at least one is present (preferably not rhythm, it seems to me). And one more thing, with the due limitations, I feel this can be analogized to the other craft gems. Texts and illustrations and stories also seem to follow a similar pattern.

So, this is what I could find so far. Quite silly and simply so I hope it can grow (or keep it solid and short like this, I’d like it better). But I really think this seems enough to experiment now with some music playing and test to see if the songs I listen to fit in this system, and I hope it thrives on as it really would help making the Tankobon III thoughts a more sealed, tight and organized place.

Of Tankobon III and Craft Gems

As I had previously decided about the order of existing tankobon tomes (mostly due to a sum of circumstances), I had crests as the first one, string story as the second and leftover thoughts as the third. But these leftovers, as it’s seeming to me, can have a theme of their own.

Basically the use I have for Tankobon III is about thoughts of these skills I have always been working on, which are basically thoughts on images, sounds, words, stories and overall thinking process. Or, as I’ve called them, the Craft Gems, as the gem crests symbolizing these activities I feel so compelled to live around them.

With that said, I feel mostly of my texts in this month are going to be focusing on these themes. These are my overall thoughts on the world and thoughts on composition and art, with Howlite, Hessonite, Helvite and Herderite as guiding topics.

However, and it’s most natural, most of them are going to be about Hiddenite, which is the craft gem for thinking, learning and understanding (and so I can cram it up with everything else left unclassified). Maybe it’s too much of a condensed quintessence, but it represents my pattern-seeking inclination, which is found in all activities that aren’t those other four, even if those patterns are found among these other craft gems as well, but as for now, I’ll remain with the five still. 

Of natural desires and dreams of my mind

Whether it’s a good thing or not, I don’t feel responsible for these ideas I have in here. It seems to be born internally from me, but it’s not exactly me, it’s more like the usual thoughts on automatic and manual efforts (being reinforced again by confirmation), and how it seems these ideas are alive and blooming naturally, like plants thriving on fertile soil, or water promptly seizing what is in its reach, and then building up and opening a new path to run and form a new lake down there.

It’s curious how some of these great topics I’m talking so much about now I would have no guess they would be so important to me some years ago. As I let the seed germinate, my mind kept feeding from it, and when I noticed it was this size already, with dreams of big machines and everything.

But this is a process that will show a result that is unknown even to me, as if it grows with a life of its own. What’s intriguing me about it is how these indeed look like the process of sowing. I can see seeds, though I don’t know quite exactly the plant that is coming from the ground and it’s the stream of time that dictates it.
It seems I just need to let it flow and thoughts will grow, ideas will come and associations will happen. Of course, I’m struggling on the part of making everything organized but even then suddenly came to me the idea of these eva engines and so my efforts regard the gathering and organization.

The best thing about it is that it’s happening in a way that when I’ve been dreaming about it months ago, it wasn’t so interesting as it’s feeling now (which is growing to be more compelling than having ideas, which is helpful). I think this is what I like about this blog. Maybe it’s healthier not to try reaching the highest position or ambition, but using this place to witness the natural process of the development of the idea…

And I don’t know what lies ahead. Some months ago I’d have no idea I’d be doing something like these eva engines, or that I’d be having these concerns right now, even though I had the seed for it back then, I knew I would someday have to do this exercise of compilation of all my thoughts, but I didn’t know one day it would happen almost as if by itself. In a way, that is again the feeling I am just being carried by something bigger, like I am a vessel of some message of some kind (don’t read it with a religious overtone, please).

Of original order (int. and ext.)

Since the beginning of this year I’ve been thinking of the implications of keeping this place alive. I’m afraid it might be dangerous to linger about this long around the same enterprise, as it could be a mindtrap, a sign that this is the only good idea I’ve ever had, and that I’m not giving up of it for nothing.

Basically I’m talking about the notion of these ideas not being natural to me, but an idea of its own that has inconspicuously traveled the universe and decided to hit me (or something similar Terry Pratchett mentions in one of his books). The point is, I’m quite considering the possibility that I might not ever had any other project to work on and it’s because this is the one who’s got potential and is fit for me, then I’m not leaving it, and that I will feed from its juice until it dries dead.

Or then, maybe ideas come from me, as of internal origins, as if I had all I touch has this element to it, as if the connections and correlations I’m always trying to find are everywhere and I’m just going around using this skill I have. With this hypothesis, it’s only natural I’ll stay around, as maybe this place, this blog, isn’t exactly my focus or what I’m trying to keep alive.

Although I think it’s quite “internal”, as I do think I have potential to use this skill (whatever it is to be called) for the analysis of everything, but then I might be conditioned around the concepts I have already defined. But then again, before trying to expand myself, I don’t think it’s fair to abandon things in here just because of that possibility.

These ideas I have in here have their potential and I have to know them well, so I feel I might think and rethink them several times and explore their corners and vertices and see all their uses and effects. Of course, while I can’t know for sure if there’s any progress or I am diving into stagnation, I’ll be riddled with doubts.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Checkpoint #24

March showed me scourgers still trying to breach through my alpha defense. And for a moment there, I was thinking they almost made it, even Hakr returned. I was feeling things like I used to feel in the dark nights of late 2012, but at the same time, I was frequently being successful in expelling them again and feeling zephyrous trances very often too. I also felt some of the most intense moments of happiness in this month too. All in all it seems like flames and scourgers engaged in a more serious battle than rather silly skirmishes in February. But apparently I’m learning of the ways of victory.

Time was a matter that is being my focus lately. In a start, somehow this was a month that went quite slow, which is a nice thing because I’m never eager to its end, and usually in my mind I was several days ahead of the actual progression of days. Paradoxically, I felt like I didn’t do anything in this month. It went like most ill-managed agenda ever in the story of everything. In short words, the Tardis Rule sound a noisy alarm in my head.

Speaking of rules, I’ve made my decision on how this year will work. I like how natural it came to be, and also accidental, because of the failure in February. And this is how the dynamics will go from now on, with thematic months. I feel relieved because I managed to make a very slight reinvention here that is also what this place was in need of, but it’s also making me feel slightly refreshed with the changes and the thrills to adapt to it.

As for the theme of this month, now when I look at it, unfortunately I'm not really fond of it. I feel I really did made no advance other than throw some names and just chew the existing concepts some more. I am feeling I still didn’t go deep into it. I have the feeling I could have done so much more. But I know what I did wrong. If I had been watching more movies and reading more novels I’d probably be a whole hell more inspired to go. I’ll fix that.

And even still, this was a month with several new ideas and concepts. I think I’ll even go over them as they’re all deserving it. The aforementioned Tankobon Rule is very important, but also was the idea of Zephyrous Zenith as it helped me with the anti-scourger strategies. And the Vermilium Army for being such a cool name. However, the Veszpremer people are really the winner of my monthly trophy, because it also encompass all these thoughts that are making me feel so much more free and content.

Um, let me see, this place is another spin older. It's two years I have this blog already! And suddenly my confidence just sank. Two years and not one person has given me any actual feedback (though I had this and that friend I was forcing into giving me any response). If I didn't love so much what I am doing I'd have given up a long time ago. And even still I know I'll keep having ideas and recording them because it's natural for me to do this, but I just realized how painful it was to write these texts, and how much I'm wearing myself out while making so many sacrifices and it's suddenly feeling like it's for nothing. But hey, I'll just take some more breath to stay and avoid this scourging feeling and ignore this and do it like I used to. Everything is gonna be alright...