Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Of self-inclusion

"Do my words mean more to hear, when I'm standing here, on a stage like all your silly idols do?" asks Daniel Gildenlow right in the first song of the debut album of his band, Pain of Salvation, and this sentence and the whole context makes it extremely meaningful to me, which mades me admire this band so much.

Sometimes I can't stand this meritocratic society. I'm tired of things being judged by who says it rather than what is said, a message turned relevant due to a renowned speecher. Of course one who has proven their abilities can have some merits, but I'm tired of this being jumped towards an unquestionable thing. But my point isn't Carl Sagan saying some stupid things and everybody still agreeing with him because he's written a bazillion of amazing things. No, I rather want to say that some people who should be heard are not.

But out of not too many, I remember one admirable professor who I had classes with at my university. He taught Modern History, and one of the reasons I admired him was both his solid knowledge and simplicity. One day he just went on talking about how he used to see farmers who had grown a more critical view of the world than several college kids boasting their academic intelligence around. How free I felt that day for hearing such words. But then again, all the students were all agreeing with him, even those to whom I am sure he could be aiming his words at. It could even be towards myself. We agreed because of his renown, and because we didn't consider including ourselves in that critic.

It's all about self-inclusion, which is something rather obvious that I see not being realized enough. I'm part of this, being a result this whole mentality, and spreading it around. But I don't want to be like this no more. I don't want to judge people by how well they write things. I have had enough proof that grammar mistakes most definitely is not a sign of stupidity, and also the opposite. I don't want to live in a place where being smart is the only thing that matters.

You're happy, but I'm smarter so I am better at whining than you are!

We have always been warned against stupid people. They're commonly spotted by their bad grammar, I hear. Then, when I used to go with my father to the countrysides, I'd always expect people thick as a brick who can't think the most obvious things. Thing is, when we were in a bar and there were some farmers talking, I noticed they can actually bring up some very interesting conversations despite their amusingly heavy accents, with as much critical thought or even more than us city kids think we have. Never understimate the others, is what I'm trying to say.

And the world warns us against cold people, and there we complain about being cold whilst we don't like it when people we don't know start having conversation with us on the bus. Oh, we find so boring people who talk about the weather. Our brain is filled with much more important concerns to care about insignificant things those petty people have to say.

We should stop caring about how much you don't care, then.

The world is full of people being cold and negligent, we're always being told that. However, most people I know who complain about this are cold themselves - in  level of unawariness that worries me. I know I am much colder than I want to believe I am, much more cold than my efforts try to show (or, I want to truly acknoledge my misdoings, it's easy to say things). I often wonder how blind we can get, as I see some intellectually developed minds falling miserably at this test. This kind of blindness, this kind of hipocrisy is commonly known as psitacism, or parroting. Repeating thoughts unaware of its meaning, leading to this kind of misthought. Oh, yes, self-inclusion, got to remember that. I really think the world would definitely improve a lot if we all practiced a little more self-inclusion in our critics (also we have to be careful not to do the actual opposite, that is, to include others in a self-critic). To put the problems always on the shoulders of anything but yourself.

We overestimate ourselves and we understimate the others. That is what being arrogant is all about. I know people much more arrogant than I am, so I find it hard to put myself in the same category as them, but I have to truly see the arrogance inside me, and I'll have made a huge progress already. It's the one who wears the mask of arrogance who is the most polarized and oblivious to the fact that we all are half stupid and half wise (and we see unquestionable wisdom in those of renown, even when zelously pretending to be against "religious" idolization).

We are arrogant and we judge ourselves superior, all wise. Some people adopt the fallacy of ridicularization to avoid accepting critics, which already show the mediocrity and narrow-mindedness present in the arrogance, for we do not  absorb critics and different opinions because we got trained identify and avoid stupid things (though, in an ironic twist, we will always fall for weaker ones, but we aren't less stupid than we like to think). If I'm not mistaken, this is what Peter's Principle is more or less about, we fool ourselves into thinking we are at the top, so we become incompetent because we don't bother improving. We lack humbleness, and we unawarely become some of forces we like thinking we are aware of, so we fight things that are ourselves, which makes this hipocrisy almost laughable. We become the truly stupid people the world warned us about. The society is hipocrite alright, but the society is us. I find it hard myself to truly realize society isn't an evil instituion forcing me to bend down to its rules, but that I am society and I have always been following its rules from the beginning, even when thinking I think I am against it  - against the stupid and the injust that are result of it!

I am far from hating and being ashamed of country or mankind, but my goal is to make some people to realize how stupid they are. If you agree with me, chances are you the one I'm talking about. Seriously, I'd find it worrisome if people reading this would just agree with me just like I saw them agreeing with my Modern History professor (like I did!). I'd rather see people trying to think this by their own means instead of repeating meaninglessly things told to us. Or then questioning me, which doesn't mean necessarily to disagree with or to downright doubt it, which seem to be the default interpretation of it.We tend to question only the things we are not comfortable with, which makes this whole mentality quite flawed, because we are only questioning, or plain doubting, things we wouldn't accept anyway. I try thinking the reason why we must question everything, in the first place.

Of Mermaid Words

We are always eager to notice others' flaws and mistakes but our own. It's amazing that of all the things people are doubtful of, we hardly doubt ourselves.Our mind is the greater generator of Things That Are Not, and misthoughts can be really troublesome if one is to believe every passing thing the head. In this myriad thoughts passing through our head, we have to be careful with the way they are going to be expressed. I often think of misthoughts as the curse, as the misinterpretations of your own thoughts are the worst as it can get.

Mermaid thoughts are really dangerous as enchanting they can be, tricking you to believe they're accurate. They're not really convincing, because you're not following logic, you're could be acting mostly through emotional responses, or being under influence of some subconscious forces. And that's one thing that's characteristic of misthoughts, they use to come in moments of emotional turmoil.
They can come in various forms, but in more impulsive moments they are easily spotted. In relationships, for example, couples express their love and hate in a way that seems overly exaggerated, only because the words were compelling to be used. Forevers and nevers are clear signalling of misthoughts nearby. In a cloudy mind mermaids can prey. They prey on weak thoughts, or weaks that are not solid. Sometimes I see that mermaids are more present in some ideas of mine that are Uncharted or still being charted out. Obssession and paranoia also leads to polarization, which clouds our mind from seing the whole, so they also lead to misthoughts.

Mermaids show through contradictions that can be both comparing words themselves or with actions. The worst thing that these worms can do to one's mind isn't to make them not mean their words, but to make them think they do. Of course, that explains several behaviors we hate, such as hypocrisy, falsity, shallowness, and people being just posers, and I think they're not always done on purpose. It's just easy to hate people like that and think they have evil-intentions and that they are thick as a brick, when in fact they are just some fools who don't bother having a charted mind before opening their mouths. Fools who talk more than they think, it's what I'm trying to say here.

But hating on people like this show mermaids too, since it's easy to doubt the others, when we hardly realize our own mistakes but the most glaring ones (even mistakes we find subtle may be obvious to others). Not the greatest revelation, but we see ourselves better than we truly are. We can see people seeing themselves as good friends, for example, think of doing things that I doubt most of us are ever going to endure. So I think a good step against mermaids is to do things opposed to what we normally do. It could be through Doublethinking, or simply loosening subconscious vices.

So I know I'm plagued by mermaids like all, it's arrogance to criticize something and be unable to recognize your own actions in it. It's easy to see others' mermaids but our own. Saying that realizing this will automatically protect me from them is also a thing that is not real, after all I haven't even started to realize all mermaids I may have fallen for. What I'm trying to say is, it's just so easy to say things. Some people find it hard to admit regret, for example, but saying it doesn't even mean it was true. It's hard to be true to things we say.

One can't be too careful, as they mermaids lurk around every corner. Like any mindtrap, they aren't easily turned to zero, so their presence shouldn't be dreaded although they have to be constantly chased down. Usually I wouldn't feel this polarized against a mindtrap, as their extermination requires an unhealthy perfection and they come through various forms, not all of them really harmful, but I guess I was hurt by seeing the destructive misuse of words, the shameful the neglect to being true to them.

So I guess this trauma, those people that can't measure their words can serve us as symbol to work really hard not to be like them. Maybe this kick is the needed motivation to be truly warned against it, forever.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Of human inventivity (mistakings)

All things can be both a curse and a gift. And the human ability to see Things That Are Not is certainly one of those things. Miscommunication can bring a lot of misfortune, but there's also a good side to it. I believe cultural diversity is resultant of misinterpretations, like the changes we see in languages and stories, and a lot can be learn from understanding the process in which a misinterpretation can become a dissidence so distinct from the original and more veracious versions.

We admire the knowledge present in mythologies, but they are created from misinterpretations of the world. The god of death in egypt mythology Anubis, for example, is a jackal or jackal-headed entity (and later completely human, according to the increasing anthropization in the evolution of mythologies), for the egyptians would see these animals eating the rotting corpses or seeing their footprints leading to graves, and thought it was the doings of a god hunting the dead to bring them to the underworld. Such misinterpretations are inherent to "lesser-educated" people who created all these mythologies that, despite their scientifical invalidation, can still teach us so much about life.

Misinterpretations and mistranslations are very present in our lifes for its humorous purposes, as this subject is really common, and there are a lot of names for it. There's the Broken Phone game, which simulates the corruption of a original message. There's Mondegreen, which is the misinterpretation of lyrics and poetry, gaining a new meaning along the way (such as the popular Misheard Lyrics videos we see on youtube). Soramimi is the meaning being different from the intended one, this one having an emphasis on the mistranslation of languages. For example, from Metallica's Enter Sandman lyrics 'Til the sandman he comes...' japanese can hear "Chiyoda Seimei ni ikou!", which means "Let's go to Chiyoda Life Insurance!" (from wikipedia).

However, there's much more to be unveiled from this concept, and I want to understand the anthropological, psychological and mainly artistical value of this subject. I even think about doing my master degree on this (and I'm yet to see if it'd be in the field of anthropology or translation, or something of the two). The main reason that keeps me both interested and afraid of it is the fact that there seems to be little to no study of the impacts of miscommunication, and the little I've found are all about the obvious negative side of it. Everybody knows one can't make an academical study without having sources to back them, and I hate how this seems to block the way for new and different studies.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Of unseen element (time and nature)

As I've given more thoughts on that Ignus Loci, and I realized them Unseen Things are commonly known as abstract things (it was quite facepalm the time it took me to realize that out), it was easy to ungap the rest of other unseen things. However, I could go and read some philosopher thinking about abstraction, but hey, why shouldn't I keep thinking myself first? It's not even like I'm already stuck and need to read the walkthrough, that ruins all the fun. So when I'm filled with doubts and dead-ends I'll absorb the content like there's no tomorrow. But for know there's still a lot I can think on things we can't see.

First of all, time. We have the very clear conception of past, present and future, despite always living only in the present, seeing only what is present. And the logistics of time tell us that past shows hints, so it can be retold by hints. Those hints allowed mankind to have People Who See The Past, like historians and archeologists and paleontologists and geologists. But future got no such hints, so People Who See The Future have no much credibility. Science demands hints. However, the combination of past and present can show a certain trend, which is sort of a possible hint to the future, so professionals like economists and meteorologists who can make the proper equation of past and present can try predicting possible events, even some of erratic nature.

Past can be retold by hints because mankind will even unwillingly create signatures of its own time. The zeitgeist and arts and trends and fashions of a time period are its hints. However, nature is Time With No Hints. In an untouched, virgin forest, one can't tell the time they are in (at least man's time). That is, your memory and the hints in your body can tell you that, but not anything you can see around you. Maybe that's the reason nature appeals to us like this, it is the place nature is itself, the way the world is without our interference. The forest we see today is the same one our ancestors used to see thousands of years ago. In a forest we can be either in the present, the 80s, the XVth century, or BC's time. We look at the sun and we are seeing something all people, in all time periods, in all places, saw the same (except people who've been locked in a cellar throughout their whole lives and never made to see the sky, which the odds tell that extreme sad cases like this unfortunately have happened more than we like to think).

The forces of nature are very interesting abstract subjects too. Life and death. Amazing how these two things are so important to us and we can't even see them, just their hints. Or else, death being the lack of hints of life, like bodies made for life losing their ability to make any sort of movements. Still organs, motionless eyes. Love, love is an abstract concept as well, and it's one of the forces of nature like life and death (as love is our instinct of reproduction, so life goes on after our death). Maybe by being seeds of nature within us they are such powerful motherfuckers, that they have to be abstract and only small hints are enough to make us feel and behave in extra-ordinary ways. And it was by thinking of this that I noticed that Realizations are all about being able to see the unseen with the help of some faint hints of their presence. Indeed, realizations most of the times are about obvious things, and that's the point, for the very essence of the word "obvious" means seeing something right in front of you.

We may think man has turned the tide in the battle against nature, and that we have to save the planet now. I'll agree with George Carlin here, the planet is fine. We may get so powerful one day that nature will feel a little itching and wipe us out forever if we keep on thinking this is actually a war. A war is when any of the sides can win. It's not the case with this "man against nature". Nature can erase us and all our hints, for time plays on nature's side. With time, nature is able to first erase our lives, and then our bodies, and it's as we have never existed. The arts (paintings, books, all kinds of buildings) we created to extend our existence in this world will be destroyed by time as well. A whole civilization can be lost in time if a hecatomb is to happen upon it, and nature is not known for being merciful to leave ruins as a hint of the past that mankind once belonged to.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Mindscapes #5

Truly amazing how the behavior of a society can change the overall feeling emanating from a landscape. For instance, weekends always have a feeling of their own. I find it fascinating how everything in a saturday or sunday can feel different, even if the weather is the same as the it was for rest of the week.

It's late sunday night here. It's not raining anymore, but the sky still is filled with low clouds and the dark and humid night reflects a little hint of red emanated from the distant capital. It can also be heard the occasional sound of thunders dampened by the distance, which enhances the feeling of desolation, making me feel much more far away from the civilization than I actually am. Overall the world lies black and empty, and I can feel the taste of a night swamp.

There's something really sad in this mindscape. It would still feel like it if this was a wednesday night, but most of its appeal is potencified by the feeling that the weekend is over and everybody is already asleep. It's impressive how all the sounds in the world seem to come from my own actions alone, as I am the only one left wandering around the house, checking the leftovers in the fridge, watching Schwarzenegger movies on tv (which seem to get stained with this feeling that good times are just about over)

I've tasted this since I was a kid (usually doing my homework around now), so this is a full mindscape, as I've tasted it so thoroughly that its heavy essence is carved into my mind. I have it so clear that I can describe it only by tasting it mentally, though some actual tasting is always good to keep developing my descriptive skills.

(thanks for showing it's already monday, Blog. You're such a jerk, god)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Of harmony and dissonance

No wonder the theory of semiotics in audiovisual entertainment is so valued. It's simply understanding the logistics of that media. The use of images and sounds and words are the vessels used to convey a message to the viewer. The thing is, each form of expression can carry a message of its own, and the way those messages can intertwine could and should be explored to the fullest.

Most time, to create an atmosphere, images and sounds are going to be used in harmony to build up the intended response. When showing an office or hospital scene, the use of sound effects that are already unconciously connected to a certain ambient can enhance the immersive response.

However, the contrast of the messages can create an interesting effect too. It's usually known as irony, when there's a violent scene and we are present with a piece of classical music. It's the case of the opening scenes of V for Vendetta, when we listen to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture when V triggers explosions in I don't remember the building London.

In the end, those are just two of the possible combinations that are more easily recognizable. But even then the possibilities that can be explored from this simple formula are enough to create very interesting scenarios.

Of intersemiotic translation

As the thoughts in my mind sometimes are disembodied etherealizations, I find myself trying through all the means to materialize them, and I really like how the felt thoughts allow me to translate them in so many ways.

Semiotics is the study of all that is a sign and a symbolization, so intersemiotics must stand as the study of analogies, of the different ways one can express oneself. Through images, sounds, words and what-have-you. The translation happens when the message is sent through one or other form, when a imagetic message is translated to sounds. If intersemiotic translation is not really that, I find my misinterpretation interesting enough.

I really like exploring how much of the content of a message can be sent from one vessel to the other, as intact as it can remain. I love seeing the possibility of a feeling being felt as possibly the same as from a song as it is from a painting or from a poem. As my felt thoughts are supposed to be stripped of all forms of semiotics, they are a message without a semiotical vessel, so the challenge is to see how much of it can be transferred to each one of these vessels, with as little things lost in translation.

Deep into my mind, without any form of any analogies and semioticalities, my felt thoughts are just... some kind of cello melody. There you go, an analogy, both in form of music and, well, words too. Apparently, one truly can't express feelings and thoughts without any kind of semiotics.

Of words, thoughts, feelings and synergy

Words can be powerful, but words alone are meaningless. There must be some kind of force behind them to guide them. It's the emotional response backing the words I let out. I feel that when I lose the grip of my emotional responses and I'm left only with logic it's when my thoughts derail or I'm left with my mind blank, and words are shoot pathetically around.

However, there must be a balance, as with emotional response I can achieve new thoughts, they are still limited inside myself, and having those creations of fire trapped inside me seems to burn me. So I need a rational response chained to it and transform them into words, materialization of the thoughts, as not to loose them in the puzzling ethereality of the mind. Not mermaid words, but a solid and nuclear materialization. Letting words out, words that nuclearly translate my thoughts and feelings and felt thoughts and thought-out feelings, relieve me.

I've been thinking about this emotional responses, and when do they happen. It seems that I get more intuitive  thoughts - children of a precise intuition - when I'm feeling inspired, and all areas of brain wire together easily. The connections and analogies and memories and dualities seems to work together in an swift balance. But my mind being On Fire, the moment when most of the new material gets created with an astounding ease, doesn't happen too often, so I want to know how do I trigger it, for I want to optimize the very fabric of thoughts.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Of emotional response

When writing on this blog, I try using naming as much as I possibly can. It's one form of symbolism that fits the logistic of words. However, it seems I barely use those names when I'm thinking, as they are just a representation of the disembodied ideas in my head.

Just recently I truly realized one part of my thinking comes from emotional responses. It seems I don't always think of ideas, sometimes I just feel them. That explains how easy it is for me to make analogies and metaphors and allegories, as I can easily make connections between those ideas I feel. It also explains why sometimes it's so hard for me to translate my ideas into words.

I've never created this hybrid of reason and emotion on purpose, but it truly helps me to explore my mind to the fullest. I think emotions travel around the brain much faster than logic. But also reason can protect me from mindtraps that are bound to be originated in an emotional mind. Realizing this made me much more aware of the way my thoughts behave.

Mindscapes #4

Cloudy days are inspirational muses to my mindscapes. I feel happy inside when I am going out and the sky looks gray and heavy, for I know I'm going to feel a lot of mindscapes during the following bus trip.

So the last time I was on the bus and it was raining I tried Pantera's Floods, which is a special song for my grayish days. The song matched that melancholic day well, but I experienced an amazing mindscape when the bus went close to the coast and I could see the sea quietly under that white drizzle, matching perfectly with the outro of the song.

Thankfully the experience was so intense that it lasted enough for me to explore it well. I tried paying attention to what exactly made them blend so well, and it seemed to be the moment where the sea or the pine trees or the buildings were far away enough to be whitened by the drizzling curtain, but not whitened out completely, as they were just in the process of fading away, just like the outro...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Of theory and practice

Reading some of the earlier entries I noticed some crass mistakes with my use of english, things that made my own eyes hurt. It's weird how I am actually aware of some rules but I seem to forget them. I can only assume it's because I write intuitively here, with as little interference of dictionaries as possible.

I have to be careful with each step of the learning process before it becomes a second-nature skill. I have always worried about being this methodic and overly logical here, but I need to follow these rules before I can practice my skills intuitively without letting vices and mistakes to flow in.

It's all about dualism, reason and emotion, pragmatism and poetry. If I keep Hybridism in mind, I hope I won't have to constantly convince myself it's okay to analyse everything thoroughly, as if this blog served me as a dissection table.

The benefits of undergoing a tough discipline will eventually show up, I just have to keep thinking ahead.

Of worsening

I was reading some notes I've made of thoughts I had when reading a book at the beginning of this year, and it captured my attention how the ideas were so well developed and organized and precise. All I am aiming for, I had already achieved. And I can only feel I'm only forgetting instead of learning.

However, it's been a while since I first noticed whenever I'm going to start practicing any skill more seriously, I reset it to zero. That is, I try building everything from scratch, and I won't settle for any middle-ground. I don't feel comfortable trying a project I know I won't be able to bring the better out of it. That's why I keep on sketching for years without a single finished drawing. That frequently makes me feel really incompetent.

Nevertheless, it's really frustrating to feel I'm going backwards, making it seem that the more methodical and analytical I am, the more I lose the grip of what I want to achieve. I fear I might lose all the feeling in this obsessive quest for discipline, and end up forgetting why am I even doing all of this in the first place.

Sometimes I get really, really fed up of caring so much about technical skills and all sorts of theories.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Of Chainposting

It's being hard for me to choose the weekly five topics, because I can't shake the idea of having them connected somehow. I could wait until I was more prepared for it, but now this idea was born I can't help but make the best of it as soon as possible.

The Chainposting Rule states that at least three of the selected topics must behave sinergistically, either by dealing with the same overall subject, or by following the development of an idea. Still one or two slots are allowed for mindscapes for when I'm thin on ideas. I always fear I might find myself empty one day, but then again I could always wonder of emptiness.

As a concept I had chainposting mind since before I started this blog, but only now it seems at least remotely possible for me to achieve it. And it's going to be as challenging as much as it is luring and simply exciting. The formula I'm creating here will make me struggle even more to maintain my focus, and also I find this schedule template really organized. I shouldn't celebrate until I find myself truly able to master it, but if I were to reset this blog right now, at least I'd restart with one important achievement, considering it's been all of a huge mess until now.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Of second rules

I haven't given due thought to rules before, or maybe I just never got a will strong enough to improve and reach goals to really try to obey them. I hope they turn out to be as important to hardening my discipline as I'm expecting them to. I hope so, because to develop my skills I'll have to be challenged and pushed outside my comfort zone, as to conquer the wilderness. I hope so, and then this will become a place of strict rules. A blog made of dark, lifeless cinders. Slave labor, people dying of hunger. Verily cruel.

The Weekly-five rule states that there shall be no more and no less than five entries posted each week. They'll have to be chosen carefully, as only one of them can be changed during the way. Also, only two mindscapes are allowed per week. I'll be flexible when it comes to when they can be posted in the weekspan, but I'll recommend myself to season them during the week and release them during the weekend.

I can feel the benefits as I choose the five topics for this week and I can feel them all fighting to get on the weekly boat. That makes clear how hurry, that chaotic mindtrap, is plaguing this world! It reminds me of the antiseptic painfully cleaning the wound, or cockroaches scurrying away from the cockroach-icide. I mean, that bloody mindtrap feels menaced by this rule, which apparently makes nuclearity score once again.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Checkpoint #4

July was characterized by a hard effort to improve my writing skills. I tried a lot of techniques, such as Breathing, HK-47, Timing, but, like Seasoning, they weren't as effective as I expected them to. Anyway, i'll still have those techniques in mind, as in the future they'll be as useful as first intended, so I'll keep creating new techniques too. That new rule, though, turned out to be more helpful than I imagined, as now I end up trying to write everything in three paragraphs (despite being a minimum limit, not maximum), so this little structure helps me to handle the whole of the texts in my head. Weird the ways answers arise.

I tried making a list of sparkles as to write things more loosely, but I was getting addicted to that instead of writing proper texts and proper titles, and I was getting confused with the thin line between when a sparkle becomes a mindscape. Plus it was also littering up the place, so I decided to stop that. Bad, bad vicing. I tried to be good, but you don't respect me, so this will be a place for hard work and no fun.

This month I was also lucky to capture two mindtraps, hurry and aftergoals. They work with alike intentions, and they're quite dangerous around here, so I'll try handing more power for Carpe Diem to deal especifically with them.

And I'm getting more confident, as I seem to be accepting my defficiencies, and it's really working for me, in the sense of getting me less frustrated, less whiny and more focused to work on them. During the writing of one of the entries, I also felt one slight progress in the way I write and organize the texts, the process was a little less struggling than usual. It was just the first spin of this skill, but hopefully its speed is going to start increasing from now on.

Finally, there's still a long and frustrating way to go, as each entry is still represents an unbelievable struggle, but I have one clear goal to achieve now, I'll try to develop a writing routine that I hope could help me wording my thoughts in an easier way. Also, I'm starting to truly enjoy this place. Despite being so lonely, I feel this place offers me the challenge and pressure needed to develop myself, and I want to explore it to the fullest.