Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Of Mental Modeling

Along some curious, mysterious and very fortunate abilities I seem to be able to do with my mind, one of my favorite is this natural ability of dealing with images in my head. It is one perennial ability that I can do quite frequently, though it is triggered most commonly in random moments. These images I can manipulate seem to belong to three different kinds.

First one, Regurgitation Modeling, which is basically something my mind does on its own. It’s the one I have least control, so it isn’t much about modeling but just seeing those images shape themselves. As regurgitation comes close to dreaming, it is rich in mixing all sorts of elements I’ve absorbed along the way.

The second one Vertice Modeling, is specifically dealing with tasting. It usually happens when I see pieces of machinery, ships or vehicles, so whens when I can think or see an object, and stretch its vertices and sides. It’s an exercise of imagination, so I can imagine it with different proportions and volumes.

The third one is something I’ll call Pareidolic Modeling, which is when I see random shapes and I can see a figure in it. For instance, spaceships on bathroom tiles. These figures I see are greatly original, and through this process of adjusting the lines I can mount the figure in my head.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to trigger them to happen, or to have them awakened. But I think it has to do with interest and imagination, and so practice helps me interact with the world in this very creative way. However, this ability is worth nothing if I am not able to make them into real images instead of just tasted and imagined figures.

Mindscape #11

Human concerns vanished while sun rays descended through the leaves and danced on the ground. Aside some fences, stables and this road I was walking on, there were no other signs of the interference of man. My connection with nature was about to begin.

In my ears I had a Czech song called Slunécko. It was strange though, that someone could understand this feeling, and a song could translate all this all the way. There is a perfect match between this song and the place I was in, as if it had been written there, for that very purpose, even though I wasn’t even aware of the meaning of the song. There were long notes sustaining the length of the breeze, and other dancing notes following the brisk movements of hummingbirds.

It was a sunny Sunday morning. This road went east following the curves of the river, and it seemed to go all the way around the world if I just kept walking. This road was sided by eucalyptus trees. The fresh scent of nature was all over me, being brought by the tender winds of spring.

The peaceful scenario was highlighted by the vivid and joyous greenness of fields. Just beyond the trees, the cattle were calmly spreading around the grasslands. The side of the road was sided by yellowish leaves and flowers of nearby trees, and I could walk it down forever.

Of gem-defying crests

The most appealing experiences to me are still those that refuse to be tamed. They seem to present a lively challenge to me, and so the mysterious and sylvan can always be much more intriguing than all the ideas that I have here. In comparison these caged ideas look pale and dishonored.

No, I am still enjoying the crests that have become gems, as I am still fascinated with them all, from Zircon and Lazulites to the pleasure of novelty gems like Onyx and Topaz. And not only that, these new realizations have this sudden burst of spiced reality to them when I’ve first given them a name.

Still, it’s an interesting happening, the way my gems start having a good cover of my crests, but the ones that escape from me become more treasured. And the rarer these crests get, the more magical those experiences become.

It’s in the sudden mindscape that arouses high zephyrous levels that I feel this magic again. I can’t help but have a certain feeling of admiration for them to challenge me like this. To think of it, it’s the joy of having my quest to name my crests so fortunately unfinished.

Of Crest Dioramas

There are mysterious crest formations in my mind. The one I’ve talked about before is this german-like farmhouse. However, in this charged realization that has helped me create this motif, there are several others around my mind, but I am still trying to understand them. It’s those images in my head I mostly don’t know their precise origin. Mostly guesses.

They seem to be a scenario formed from not one actual experience, but rather a display of my other crests, including some gem-defying ones. They gather together somehow, and I’m calling them Crest Dioramas, in which they can actually represent these more theoretical gems in an actual way I can perceive them.

It seems dioramas are some sort of a higher level of mixture the crests can form. Some crests I can feel my mind retrieving are from a current experience, but dioramas can almost be felt without reference, and the dioramas are those I can’t really spot the origin. There are some crests could even feel like dioramas, but they aren’t really mysterious in their origin, like this Caribbean Night crest, which is basically from Monkey Island games.

Some of them I can remember since I was a child, while others became more recent realizations, but it’s interesting to have them packed like this. So, for now I have these four, huh, official dioramas. I have for now these, named very roughly, the German Farmhouse, the Cloudy Highway, the Forest Party Lights and Saturday Park Visit.

It’s good to have them perceived like this, and I have my head a little more organized now. However, I don’t have the intention to have more than these four because I am tired of all those dozen series of collectibles filling up space. Also because these dioramas is something my mind does on its own, and I don’t want to interfere with it for now.

Of Gemstones v2.0

A lot of time has passed since I’ve last checked on my list of gemstones. And it’s interesting to see how minor perceptions are now glaringly obvious to me. It’s the issue regarding the Overloaded Blindfold, as some of these marbles were overburdened with different shades of meanings that I am now definitely splitting them apart.

One of the meanings I had in the Aquamarine is the requirement of socialization. I’ve decided it’s not one only, but I’m dividing it into three levels of gems regarding social needs. And it’s fortunate I didn’t rush to name the three most famous gems when I just decided to name crests after gemstones, so they are still available and they fit well.

The three social gems go like this. Emerald, Sapphire and Ruby. It is a level of social requirement that increases from Emerald on the way to Ruby. Emerald is the need for being surrounded by people, or being happy with their mere presence. It’s for this I usually go out, because lonely nights at home has been extremely poignant to me. And to a certain extent I feel secure and satisfied with Emerald levels. Although it can depend on my mood and crisis, I like getting in touch with friends, so Sapphire is going to represent these conversations and sharing ideas. And it’s very beneficial to me. However, the highest one, Ruby, is something I’m usually forced to do. It’s going out to parties, and being extroverted and shouty, which makes me feel extremely uncomfortable as it’s very… unme.

Aside from that, Aquamarine was also bearing this meaning I’m calling Topaz. It’s the world of luxurious illumination and expensive comfort. It differs from amber as that’s  middle-class comfort, while topaz is the classy room where you’re not supposed to touch anything. It’s in the malls and high-class environments. The Aquamarine is left with the littoraneous quality, palm trees, sound of waves, smell of seafood. It’s part of the Zircon and sense of place I have from living in Florianópolis.

There’s Pearl, which is the split marble from Amethysts to deal with sex. Considering I’ve always been extremely romantic, it didn’t even feel like it really needed this splitting, but it’s convenient for my purpose. This way I know better when there’s more lust than care. It’s a more physical part of the equation while Amethysts is more emotional. They still are strongly connected through the kiss, the touch, the perfume, and I don’t think Pearl, as the heated passion and sexual arousal, can be reached without any minimum amount of Amethyst before it. They feel to me as needed stages to build up the great climax.

And another new gem I’m bringing to the game is the Onyx. It was previously in quartzes and a little of it in Chrysoberyls too. It represents the world of videogames, entertainment world of movies, comic books, animes, cartoons. It’s about Nintendo, Playstation pixel art and music. It’s about overall on-screen and on-page activities. It’s with amber as in those rainy days when I’d be in my dark room trying to beat the robot sonic or discovering the star road in super Mario world. Or going out to Hyrule Field for the first time after defeating Queen Gohma in Ocarina of Time. There’s some Zircon in it as I have memories from getting home and watching cartoons and animes like Dragon Ball or Yu Yu Hakusho until late at night on tv. Onyx is a great name because I liked this Pokémon when I was a kid (It was Onix, though, I think). Here these previously gem-defying robots and vehicles can find their place too, I hope, so it’s something that can go with toys and even other children’s play. It’s something I used to do a lot when I was a kid, though I am not one of those who consider videogames child toys or anything.

Another splitting I’m doing is with Silver. I’m bringing Steel from it, to represent engineering feats and other machinery material. It’s the more realistic take on onyx robots and tanks. It can also go with some memories I have from this repair garage an uncle of mine used to have (there’s the smell of mechanical grease in Steel). Silver remains with the theoretical side of science, the elaboration of theories and explanations, graphs and charts.

I’ve been thinking about Copper, and the mere addition of prefixes seems to work very well and I didn’t expect that. So there’s Ancient Greek Copper, Arabic Copper, Medieval Copper, Renaissance, Hindu, African, Colonial Copper (which refers to Portuguese colonization of Brazil, and there’s a good amount of Aquamarine in it).

And here is a more experimental one, I am calling Diamond. I don’t know if it is a crest, but it works like the others. It calls, and rewards me when experienced. I’m calling Diamonds the search for new experiences and adventures. It shares layer with Hephaestus and Zhu Rong as it’s the thrill of exploration and discovery.

And here’s something that has been puzzling me. Some things related to the experimentation of the world. It’s basically Peridots as it comes with nature. I guess that the seasons can be prefixes to Peridot. For instance, Autumn Peridot is going to be about this autumnal sensation of reddish and brownish leaves and windy weather, or summer as hot days and fresh nights. But I wonder on some other elements of settings, and I’m trying now these gems I’m calling Setting Stones, referring to certain weather and time conditions. They are called Sunstone, as to daylight conditions, Moonstone, to nocturnal ambients. And then there is Rainstone, Cloudstone and Windstone. They have a quintessence that I recognize as components of certain mindscapes, but I have my doubts if this will work. Overall it’s the part that needs the most development for future versions.

So in this version my reliquary shows all these 27 gems, divided in groups. External Gems are the imagetic perception of the world, while internal is more about emotions and needs (Flames and Scourgers are like Internal Crests) I have my doubts on Opal, Amethyst and Gold, but that’s what I have for now:

External: Lazulite, Chrysoberyl, Garnet, Zircon, Peridot, Opal, Amber, Aquamarine, Topaz, Onyx, Pearl, Steel, Copper, Bronze, Silver. Sunstone, Moonstone, Rainstone, Cloudstone and Windstone.

Internal: Gold, Emerald, Sapphire, Ruby, Amethyst, Quartz, Diamond.

Of Exponential Fractalization

One charging realization I’ve been perceiving lately, mostly because of Gems and Scourgers, is how one definition, concept or overall creation can be split into several others. It could be the natural evolution of the process of having ideas. As I spend more time with it, I can grow more perceptive towards its essence, so there’s an increased perception of different shades inside it.

If I feel a dissident shade nearby, I must be careful when letting it stay with the original one, which is something I usually do. That whispers to me like a problematic crack. I can ignore it, expecting the crack not to grow to menace bigger parts of the structure. So this fractalization can be a mindtrap, though being aware of it also lets me be more careful about it.

It’s a tiresome work, though, as those fractalizations could expand indefinitely, and that makes my management much more complicated. The Layered Method helps me with that, but I must break concepts and quintessences in fractals first and slowly.

Of Outframing Principle

The amount of effort I’ve been trying to accomplish goals has always been my area of concern. It feels fundamental to me that I can know that I am doing enough to get to where I want. Though I am delaying to define what I want, I like knowing I have a good preparation for it. And one nice sign that I’ve been perceiving to be a good one is something I’ve been calling Outframing Principle.

This is another idea that comes from playing games. One day I decided to think about level design and how far designers let me experience the scenario. For instance, these mountains beyond the forest are created to go beyond the treetops. If I can see the background polygons ending midair, the immersion plummets.

The idea of Outframing is, then, about doing more effort than is shown. It’s being more prepared than the exigencies. It’s about studying more than questions will cover. When your efforts are perceived to encase the frame, or even shorter, there’s a feeling of phony effort.

The idea covers any work that goes to the public, or even any work at all. It doesn’t matter what’s going to be perceived, there must be hidden layers that go out the frame. I assume there’s mystery that comes with the unpublished material, and so there could be a gusto effect related to this.

This principle is something I’ve been I try unknowingly applying on this blog. I have developed a behind-the-curtains methodology for writing the texts, but it doesn’t need to be perceived. But the mere fact that I am writing more than what is in the final release shows that being able to select the material for the final product seems to give it a slight bonus of quality.

Of mortality (definition delayed)

There must be a scourger just to represent time, or maybe a whole clan for it. Because time and my own mortality has been haunting me lately. The passage of time happens against my will and though it feels slow and that all can be appreciated, it is relentless. Soon I’ll be gone, and will still be ticking on.

The full prospect of mortality is one of the worst narcissistic injuries, and the hardest to accept for those who love this place. I can see precious hours, minutes and seconds pass by and it makes me paralyzed. How short our time in this world is. There is so much to do, so much to see and learn, but I can’t possibly experience it all.

And as paralyzed as I feel, I’ve been finding myself strangely refusing the acceptance of living my life with those few opportunities I had the chance to experience, in comparison to all that is in the world and the universe. There’s only one life, and I won’t come back. I’m too viciously attached to this world.

As the whole issue revolves around the fact that I can only live once, I am afraid of accepting my life as one singular life. It leads me to postpone choices that will define me. The fright I have about definition is how I am discarding other possibilities. And this way, I am declaring this is the path I want for my life.

All other possibilities I’ve discarded can’t be experienced. My choices will mean these are the things I will experience in this world, and the others I’ve refused, goodbye. But the more I delay defining my own future regarding, for instance, career, the less I feel like actually living.

Still, the fright can also come from the actual perception I’ve been starting to have my self defined. When I look back and see how I’ve been spending my year, or the things I’ve been dedicating my time to. The sudden broken generation that makes me see how much focused I’ve been into this blog, for instance, and that there are so much more out there in the world suddenly makes me feel something like an aversion to this.

Of open anthems

It’s been of my concern lately, to expect new ideas to come. But after so many months having those discoveries, I started thinking my fountain was starting to run dry. But my ideas don’t come from my mind. No, as the quintessential conversion goes, my mind just does the processing.

Somehow, I have to have my mind opened for new ideas to come. They are all around me, I just have to learn how to trigger them. They are closely connected to trances, but are they the cause or consequence? Either way, I have to learn of how trances can make me opened for ideas.

One of the problems I have towards being open for ideas is the causal thoughts, when some discoveries were made and my mind makes the assumption the ideas I have to find are like those I’ve been learning. For instance, as I felt I had done so much progress with my introspective research, it began to feel like I had to have discoveries merely with introspective efforts. So I have to be careful about the hardening of my mind through causal thoughts that can bring me to dreibergian closedness.

Being aware of the importance of this strange opening that occurs and how they are related to trances, it’s by paying attention to trances themselves that I now have one new edge to polish to make me busy in the study of understanding the trances.

Unfortunately, I have no clue as to how I can broad my sensibility other than the zephyr, amber and vortexes hypothesis. They help me knowing trances a little more, but I’m getting closer to it now. It just feels like I don’t know the next steps. But maybe I just need to keep analyzing these strange but amazing trance situations, like the T1010T 1300.1000 situation, from contact with silver crest, that brought me from sigma zone to highest Gamma levels.

Of broken streams

One important detail I must not lose track is how some motifs come from charging the idea through the months. As this little text grows to become one huge idea and fractals into several minor ones, it is important that I can keep working on it until the grand realization comes. The problem is that sometimes there are so much of those streams that I can’t follow them all.

Along the way I’ve forgotten several ideas. Some deserved it, as sometimes I regret going into this naming spree, but others were part of an experimental but still intended design to see them streams charge for a future harvest. As these streams are cut from developing and growing, a potentially valuable motif is lost in the way.

Maybe recovering the streams isn’t much of a problem, but instead the issue is that, when thinking of it now, there’s no way I can keep all streams flowing (or there is? there you go, that hunger). It could be a disadvantage, but maybe I could make it converge to my advantage.

Though some broken streams did bring me harm, others shouldn’t be such a problem of having the stream interrupted, other than knowing they’ve been forgotten. It would be interesting if I could manage these streams exactly by opening and closing gates that would break or let streams flow.

Of skin-changing transition

This restraint has brought several points for me to reconsider. As I live in a world of ashes, I am doubting the purpose of this quest, as it feels pointless to write texts as I’ve been doing. What’s the point of building a wall, if in front of your eyes it disappears?

Though it feels like I’m changing skin, renovation doesn’t seem like the proper word, as I’m hardly feeling renewed. I’m only more worn-out and without perspective, and this kind of progression is too wicked for me to keep pursuing.

Aside being more critical to my work (and even that, as I’m terribly disheartened to continue), basically nothing has been beneficial to me in this change of generations. I hope being more critical can cease being heart-wrenching and be more like signs of caution, but the prospect of finding more structural cracks like those I’ve found makes me just tremble.

I can only hope I can eventually regain my strength, even if it’s against my etherways. Maybe I can change my cracks and find a way to develop myself without this destructive pressure that’s been bending my resilience bar close to a point of being permanently broken.

Of layered interpretations

It has become a very obvious crack to me over time how keeping one interpretation of how stuff works can make me very limited to the understanding of the whole thing. So, although I’ve not been doing it on purpose,  I think it’s good that I can keep alternate explanations to my feelings.

The greek states can make me see things the characters somehow blindfold my perception. Together Sigma, Haze, Scourgers and whatevers is to come will help me understand the situation and through different amulets like gems, flames and axioms I can make my way around them.

It can help me being more flexible about understanding myself, as being too focused in characters and battles sometimes I forget the point that I am supposed to deal with emotions and feelings inside me.

I must be careful when comparing things from different layers. For instance, calling scourgers when talking about gems, or even when I am talking about greek states. There’s a common point where these layers show similarities, so it’s good for practicing ungaping.

Layered interpretations can also be very useful for studying strings. As I can grow more aware of the layer in which the interpretation is in, it becomes easier to ungap the omissions other versions had.

Of String Studies

Suddenly one day I woke up with the charging realization ready in my mind. All this trouble I’ve been through can be more effectively worked upon if I know where to store my doubts and thoughts. So I just needed to think the right question: How do events in my life become events in this inner world? How they can correlate, and how can I build a string to connect them?

This exercise of establishing strings is basically part of the bigger mission that is the Quintessential Materialization. This is going to be basically the facility where I’ll store my doubts about this materialization exercise. And for now, creating this world with characters is my first real project of materialization. Still, I think strings can be very useful for other means of materialization. And maybe not only quintessential materialization, but also translation, as to how can colors become sounds? What’s the equivalent of one element from one modality in the other one?

So, off to my current doubts on the subject.

There are several problems I have to worry about as new characters keep showing up, and they are like droplets that bring everything out of balance. So for now I won’t go much deep in how these characters interact. No, I need first to lay out all characters. You see, Nachzehrer presented me a problem when I had him created for Sfayi, but the same feeling also came from other forms of loss. So I think it’s very important I have the pieces on board before having establishing their roles and interactions.

And then there’s the paradox that I’ve noticed with Ushag, and now with Hassen and Haesten. They represent misogyny and misandry, but does a female represent misogyny and a male for misandry, or a male figure being disgusted with women and a female figure disgusted with men? This is an old confusing theme. How does Ushag represent my own shame and insecurity? Can they represent their own feelings? Ushag can’t be insecure himself, but if he’s the opposite he would be Qareen…

Also there are those deranged dreams on using things I always wanted to use, but there’s no constancy or harmony between them. This Fire Ensemble team was created before they were actual characters, and more just some creative extension. Now I’m feeling it weird to talk about a character named Zhu Rong along with another character called Hephaestus. And not only that, I don’t know how to make them likely. They are too much Power Ranger-esque team (hell, even the Uberflammen could be a megazord robot). My problem here isn’t as much as materializing the quintessence, but having them convincing in this world-like stage. It’s one of the main problems I’m already stumbling onto constantly, the way there seems to be a limit to how far logistics from one side can be completely transferred to the other side, but this place is exactly for me to practice and test this limit. Do my actions can all become related to the story or I have to adapt most of them? As this is mostly an exercise, and also something I’ll carry for the rest of my life, it’s important to go with accurate combinations.

Of October Wars

As my own life changed dramatically in October, my emotions also entered in another wars. Quitting my job would unexpectedly make feel like bringing a big generation to an end, and with it I felt like several others were almost pulled along, like the efforts with this blog. It’s because I came back to having an uncertain future, and so doubts began.

It’s difficult to know exactly how quitting my job would be as an event in this story, but the point is that the instability allowed the Scourgers to have a perfect shot to return to power. The first attacks came from Iskald, destroying all the achievements I had accomplished, so all I’ve done through the year in the previous generations felt like the greatest waste of time. That way Csillag could just invade the protected lands and destroy everything it could.

Along came Ushag, but still wounded, but Frosq took the leadership. The Lead General and lead forces made relentless incursions towards south, and several other saboteers also joined this great victory of the Dark Army.

Every attempt to expel them with the forces of Zhu Rong and Trygve were useless. Though offering resistance, the Lead General eventually brought Zhu Rong down, and Trygve was specially powerless as he couldn’t do anything against someone like Frosq. And Frosq personally managed to poison Hephaestus, who went into delirium and a mortal fever. Their victory was almost complete, as the hazemakers trapped Áine, leaving Vesta also powerless against all these invading forces.

The life I was leading was over, it was time for a change. The places where I used to feel safe now were disturbing to my soul, and that meant the Dark Army gaining more grounds southwards. I am feeling obligated to move out and try a new life, and that means my Flames had to flee as well. But in a sudden confront between Vesta and Frosq, which could be either a battle or a dialogue, Frosq was unexpectedly thrown back as I could accept the world has no meaning at all, and suddenly the rare Vesta’s Spell worked and I had the first glimpse of hope and revival.

Frosq and the lead army suddenly retreated, but Frosq had a strange grin in his face. Vesta was startled by it, but couldn’t reach him. As they traveled south, the defeated flames had refuge in a distant land. It was an apparently peaceful place where they could recover.

Of the past gone erased

Starting some months ago, or maybe my perception starting around then, I’ve felt coming to quarrels with my memories. The way I feel my memories is as if I had a poor and unexciting life, but I don’t trust what they tell me, mainly because the ones about this whole year that’s just been past seems so thin. And when I keep thinking about it that I realize I’ve done so much, but when I try to feel it, it’s as if I accomplished nothing.

When generations come to an end, it’s as if they suddenly have never existed. Why does my mind have tricks like this? Sometimes I think these good abilities I have aren’t possibly worth it. Past months, previous texts, all the events and accomplishments, as if they are ashes already taken by the wind.

The Wehmut Process is working strangely with this long generation that has just become past, like it’s still heating up the engine to process it. So while it doesn’t do its work, I am feeling like I had the whole year erased from my mind. I think of it like that primarily because I have those little delta stones that tell me they’ve been true experiences.

My emotional memories become like they haven’t existed, though I know I have live through a lot this year. It has one compensation for this, as I am feeling like I never had a life and it’s all just empty, and this just invalidates the whole pressure. Unfortunately, it comes with no emotional relief.

I’ve been living under the pressure that the more we do, the better we get. But lately I’ve been doing some crazy stuff just to have stories to tell, but here when I stop to look at the world like I’ve always done, I am just the same me as always.

Of dam-breaking

Even after Scourgers are defeated, they have left their legacy. There are still impediments they bring upon me. This seems like the truest challenge. It’s no long Trygve’s military campaigns against the Scourgers, but again the duty of Zhu Rong and Vesta to recover the lands, but I find them still being much less obedient and dedicated than Trygve.

These impediments, obstacles can be roadblocks or even chasms, but I prefer having one smaller name to refer to them. I’m calling dams specifically those obstacles that prevent me from unleashing my potential. For instance, even if Ushag is defeated, I am still having a hard time being confident and being extroverted.

These dams are all over the place, and they make me feel so awkwardly repressed. Sometimes I can’t do a thing because of I am afraid of them, so it’s just a natural brake. If you are cheering for my desistance, then you can expect these dams and chasms to deter me.

However, sometimes I can feel so strong that I can break through these dams and unleash all that has been repressed. It’s hard to talk about them now another Scourger attack has been put me in a defensive position and it feels like they were all rebuilt, but I know that the feeling of dam-breaking is incredibly liberating and removes a great deal of weigh from my shoulders.

Of Iskald, the cinderman

Aftergoal issues are much older than this character exercise I’ve been doing, and the terrible disillusion is the worst part of it. The feeling of seeing my effort having no impact or living strength can present Sigma levels that allow the existence of a character to represent it.

Iskald is how I am going to call this feeling of impotence towards my accomplishments as they can so be turned into nothing but waste of time. It’s Iskald who makes Hephaestus’ gold turn into ashes. The dismay is so damaging that thinking about trying again to see it all be destroyed again makes the whole activity meaningless.

However, Iskald is not dangerous entirely by his own. Here he is more like just one important agent, very closely related to Frosq. This is the one who can chief operations to avoid me from going on. It’s the meaninglessness of creating things when they suddenly have no value at all.

Still, I don’t know how to make his existence completely fitting. Does he invade Hephaestus’ castle and destroys his machines and apparels? Are they like fortresses or other buildings that are suddenly burned down? No, it doesn’t feel quite right. But I do have a picture for him, though, and he is a tall, not all pale and evil looking. He has those observing cunning eyes, but he feels even slightly charismatic. I picture him like Karkaroff from Harry Potter 4. However, I wonder if there’s approval of the quintessential rule for this one.

Of Raseri’s Clan

New Scourgers will come as I travel life and face defeat in new ways, or when I just go deeper into unexplored areas of me. One of them is about the hate and disgust and things I always wanted to avoid, but comes a time when I know I need to focus on what they are. I can’t try to pretend I’m so lovely. No, there’s a dark part of me that’s very opposite to Áine’s reach, and this clan of scourgers is leaded by one I’m calling Raseri.

Raseri is to Áine like darkness is to light. It’s when I have complete lack of empathy to people, some kind of misanthropy. He is the sum of all hatred and putrid feelings of despise I can have. I do have them and it’s best acknowledging it so I can avoid it better. It can be a dissidence from this self-loathing I possess, so Raseri can be related to Ushag, though I very rarely let Raseri to take the control of me as Ushag can be towards me.

Hassen and Haesten are the members of this clan representing the broken relation between man and woman. It’s this saddening war of sexes, this silly debauch one gender member has over the other one, or how a romantic relationship, either mine or not, can wound scars in me. One represents the misandry and chauvinism, while the other is misogyny and misrepresentation of the feminine. My misogyny, however, is directed towards women that make their gender look so uninteresting and lacking personality. The less girly-like a woman is in personality, the weaker Hassen is. As it deals with relationships, they are almost the opposite of Sfayi and Qareen, which are my idea of a perfect relationship, while somehow I feel like Hassen and Haesten are all I can have. By the way, I’ve had this name to see with the alphabetical impression how one name can look feminine, and what letters changed can make it look more masculine, and there’s also my doubts on representation, as the feminine should wield misandry, but at the same time, the masculine should be the figure in which I would stamp the characteristics that arouse my own aversion to my own gender.

The two other scourgers belonging to the clan I’m calling the Hazemakers, because they make my enthusiasm for the world to be cut short. One of them is Älcke, and represents something similar to Hassen and Haesten. It’s the depressive vulgarity, and shallow lives, the incredibly uncomfortable animosity in my family. It’s the drunken father who can’t stand up on his feet properly. It’s the disgust that shows fear of living in a situation like this. It strikes me under subtle influence, but it’s deep in its unconscious essence. When I see a wasted life it awakens the hidden fear of being myself living in mediocrity that gives me a feeling of ‘get me out of here’. It represents those who live their lives like puppets, and do not attract you with life.

The other scourger is Avsky. It’s the irritability that comes from silly impatience towards all that stands in the way. It’s the discomfort from a messy room, but also health issues that hinder my concentration and ignite my worry about health and diseases. It’s also being upset when things don’t go as I expect. It comes from all that annoys me as they keep me from working in a plain way.

And now, probably it is important to highlight, these scourgers are what they must be in their own nature. I am fairly sure these are common feelings to all, and though they must be fought against, we can’t pretend to ignore them and assume we are without them. No, they are all there for everyone, but some have them powerless.

Of Nachzehrer, Sackgasser and Fossegrim

Lately I’ve been thinking about how scourgers present themselves. Some disturb me with menacing whispering, while others deliver their attack with claw-ridden blows. These beasts are just chaos and terror. I wonder about Csillag being such a monster, though it feels to me it can growl some savage shouts. But there’s this other beast, the one I first noticed being originated from Sfayi’s domains that I am calling Nachzehrer.

This awesome name comes from the german folklore, a vampire/zombie monster. However, in my territory, it’s a more bulkier beast, though with undefined shaped. It makes it hard for me to breath (but it feels different than Lead Sorrow). When the world goes silent, this defunct monster comes alive again. He is free from the undersea dungeons, and from the shores he treads south. It doesn’t seem sentient, but just strives for destruction. It can hold all I can hold so dear and crush into pieces and the vision is hypnotizing as the sublime destruction happens.

Although it is a feeling I have so connected with Dark Amethysts, it also seems to be around when there’s any other loss (and loss itself seem to be a scourger I’ve been tasting lately, though I can’t force a name for him yet – though automatically brings the image of an ice wizard from frozen northern lands, I still have to see the approval of the Q. Rule). Honestly, Nachzehrer doesn’t represent a concise quintessence, as the name came long after the underwater beast first attacked me, and I had it mixed with other interpretations, so I have my eye on it for cracks.

Nachzehrer is very high in Omega/Sigma levels, though a steeper inclination towards Omega leads me to this almost theoretical feeling that for now, being into this Germanic vibe, I’ll call it Sackgasser. It refers to the dead-ends and feeling that all is over. It’s the feeling that all efforts were in vain and no damage can be repaired. In the character side of the string, it’s an apocalyptical beast that is dormant, and unlike other beasts, this is the ultimate one.

One very important thing about them is that, me as a person, I can’t escape from them when these feelings are here almost making me cry in despair. There’s few places I can go and just shut down my feelings, but zephyr winds are gone for good. Frosq seems to be around with the lead army every time I try to make an advance to fight back.

It’s in times like this that loneliness strike me the worst, and I call it Fossegrim. It’s not a beast like the others, but rather silent. It must be avoided, though, as he works like a shepherd of beasts like these. Eventually I can’t avoid the loneliness again, and when they manage to make my whole world black, somewhen the black opals will shine, and Trygve will give me strength to breathe it all in. Empty fields with lonely towers of rising smoke are left, so I can I try rebuilding my world.

Of North and South

The quintessential rule here in creating the lands for this mythology is that it must encompass how I feel about the world. There are some paradoxes and strange twists, but the way I feel about the world is simply expressed by the notion of direction, of North and South, and how I simply feel everything being above me.

From my childhood the dichotomy was between east and west. I remember when I lived towards the interior deep into the west of the state, and the littoral would call my attention as it was where the capital city was, and the place my grandparents lived. It was something so unconscious I remember when I was a kid there was this unrelated road going east just towards some random district, but I always loved it how it felt leading me to this another world.

But today I seem to have accomplished this goal of reaching east, and even if there are remains from this attraction towards eastern things, today my geographical issues follow a vertical axis. I live so far down south that the whole of the world is just everything the north could represent to me. But that’s in an unconscious level that only sometimes I can perceive. When I look north, I see the world. When I walk north, there’s this very, very, very subtle thrill. It’s the overall direction towards the World. The direction to all I love and I fear.

So this is the geographical definition for my story. As a southern myself, this is my homeland, so I think it makes sense my Flames defend the southern lands and Scourgers live up in the northern, even northeast lands. Still, what step do I take next? Flames must go north towards Sfayi and Qareen? Or do I have to protect southern lands during Sigma Storms or something? And what lies in-between? And how can I connect it with the notion of exploration? Does Hephaestus use a ship while being sabotaged by scourging fleets? Eck.

Of Black Obelisk Council

It bothers me the fact that the Flames and Scourgers have to engage in such a manichaeist war. I don’t want this good versus evil, because it is shown as every bad feeling has to be obliterated. No, they have their side to it all, just like the feelings the Flames represent have some negative side effects too (as there’s no feeling of loss coming from no attachment).

This is a stretch to the side of quintessences, as in a logical story the battling forces wouldn’t be good and evil. I feel kind of uncomfortable with that kind of dualism, because it’s not even something inherent to mythologies to have dualistic opponents like this. But fortunately for my story, my own emotions need to work in harmony too.

This Council of the Black Obelisk is to represent, in that story, this need for all to work as one. In this council, it is to be decided that the Scourgers have their importance, and they must be given space. They end up being tyrannical when they have their advantage, but so are the flames. They need to go in harmony!

There’s always retaliation on both sides, always extremes as one side is put completely aside. But my flames are trying to be just, and don’t like it when they get away and hide. In fact, most scourgers were absent from this council. It’s complicated to deal with them if they can’t show any sign of diplomacy…

Of Etherways

The Causal responses are much trickier than I would expect them to be. It’s not like I have actually changed, but I’m feeling these adherences and aversions to experiences to happen with more, say, vehemence. Unfortunately for me, since I’ve started paying attention to my adherence to my Sigma state, I’ve also noticed it has several side effects to the Gamma State as well, and it’s been sabotaging my attempts to recover.

I am calling Etherways these self-destruction impulses, this inclination to chase my own fall. I’ve given this weird feeling several names already, like Trygve and Opals, dealing with some of the similar aspects. But this one is stranger. Why do I seek the Sigma State again after it has been replaced by healthier conditions? Could the Causal thoughts keep me attached to it as it would mean the state when I’m most true to all my deficiencies? Is the adherence because it would lead me to important areas I should not forget about?

Etherways happen usually after I’ve recovered from the Sigma State, and still feel connected to it. I’m ever so intrigued by this adherence to Sigma State and aversion to the incoming Gamma State. I feel chained to Sigma, and excursions to Gamma happen short before I feel strangely guilty. This, this is exactly as it happened in June. It’s in this state that the world and attempts to rise leadsome and poignant, not to mention there gut-wrenching feeling of reality has returned.

Sometimes, however, this ether adherence to the Sigma State makes me want to return to it, as if the escape was a coward one and I would forget the lessons I felt I had to learn and change. It’s as if Vesta would be trying to forbid me from going away without learning the lessons. Or then Hephaestus’ curiosity.

But even if Etherways happen to bring a virtue, even if there’s really some importance to coming back other than just self-harming,  then I’ll want to reexplore those feelings, this time even having the expectancy I will not feel it with despair and I’ll be more analytical towards these issues, everything is suddenly out of reach. There’s a distress, of course, but it’s not the feeling I wanted. The one I want is suddenly locked or blocked. Songs that felt unbearable for me to listen to now don’t have the effect I want.

Could it be my mind has realized how potentially traumatizing some events could be and locked them away? So there are these buried traumas I can’t reach again. I know the events that would trigger this feeling, but the quintessence seems to more dead than alive, it’s weird… I just can’t ignite the feeling, just some hints of it after some constant sieging.

But why is my mind doing this? If I need the Sigma State, why is it out of reach? There’s no coherence in this, and as the blocking is stronger, burying them deep does not save me either, as just goes to disturb me from down below. So apparently, in order to keep my mind healthy, I have to prevent my mind from burying it. But if the age of Gamma has come, I have to make a tremendous effort to delta-retrieve the Sigma State just so it won’t go unresolved. 

Of Greek Coordinates

After the Gamma State, it was soon a matter of time before I would just try to explore other states, starting, clearly, with the very opposite one. I’m calling the Gamma’s opposite Sigma State. Unlike the Gamma State, when the Flames prevail, the Sigma State is the portal through which the Scourgers can attack me and spread their terror.

Following there is the Zeta State, the neutral state of my mind when I seem to feel nothing either positive or negative. It could be a gate guarded by Noekk (or another gate-keeping entity). Seems like a pretty basic lineup. Gamma as positive, Zeta as neutral and Sigma as negative. Still, there are several, several other states of mind, and it could go from five to six, or eight states. But that would seem too clunky to come up when I would try charting my emotions. So I thought about having it no only as up and down, but a full Cartesian chart. However, I’d have to find what the other axis would be.

So one day I realized how this horizontal axis could work like. I named them Omega and Alpha. It’s all part of alphabetical impressions, the name-choosing: Alpha has vowels like Gamma, while Omega has syllables like Sigma. And that’s how they’re paired. Regarding their meaning, I’m afraid it was fruit of analytical wisdom. I don’t know how to describe precisely what they mean, the axis just came up. Maybe they represent a sense of purpose, or an axis from confusion to clarity. For instance, whenever I’ve been feeling the lead lately I’ve been considering it an increasing Omega state.

Omega State has this interesting quality of defining my inability to define what I am feeling. It doesn’t give me the excuse of not trying to define what I am feeling, but rather serves the purpose of making me perceive how dangerous it is for me to be confused and entangled. Alpha State represents then this feeling of determination and strength. For instance, the awareness of confusion could make me feel coming to an Alpha increase.

The chart goes with Gamma and Sigma as the vertical axis, with Gamma siding up, and Alpha siding right on the horizontal axis. There’s also sometimes trying to know if this positive feeling is more Alpha or Gamma, or then if this negative distress is Omega or Sigma, but it’s a matter of being more in touch with them to learn of the differing shades.

Regarding combinations, Alpha-Gamma is the most positive one, while Omega-Sigma is the most dangerous one. Alpha-Sigma represents a determination for recovery or revenge. It’s mostly when the character Trygve starts getting his power. The Omega-Gamma represents when I’m trying to reach trances before reaching Alpha, so there’s lead responses and also malfunctioning trances, full of nonsense realizations.

Being out or answers or being disoriented shows increasing Omega, which is the first sign of decreasing Gamma and heading to Sigma. Finding hope again is an increased Alpha, and is the way to get to Gamma, though there’s causal consequences that prevent this cycle from happening, as getting to Gamma from a recovered Sigma sometimes feels blocked by Causal Adherence and Assumption.

There’s a cut on the Omega-Gamma and Alpha-Sigma corners. As they are divergent, I couldn’t possibly reach 10 with both states. Those summit levels only happen with convergence states, such as Omega and Sigma, or Alpha and Gamma. The divergent states can lead to one side or another, such as high Gamma levels not letting occasional Omega occurrences to bring me Sigma.

By the way, I’m trying to be careful with degrees, such as reaching 10 in Sigma would be the worst I could reach. And even my most suicidal tendencies are to border 9. Highly depressive or delusive moments are around 7 or 8. One or two is just around the Zeta State where each state doesn’t seem to show much of their characteristics, and it’s where I spend much of my time, around 2 or 3 each side.

As I’ve been trying to chart my emotions I suddenly noticed my emotions are highly unstable. There are several skirmishes between Gamma and Sigma state (or Flames and Scourgers). Still, as much as I’m noticing this pattern, I can see there’s also one I’m showing a tendency, and so there’s small peaks of Gamma (in first braudelian level) during a Sigma phase (in second or third braudelian levels), or then small falls towards Sigma when I am feeling strong Gamma levels.

It seems to me like a chart with good foundations, but I am not sure it’ll work, even if it seems very solid. These thoughts I’ve had on them was when already using it, and it didn’t show many cracks, so I think I’m ok to practice more advanced coordinates for pattern-finding. As I’m not really well-trained with them yet, I’ve been only trying vague coordinates, as it requires some triangulation skills I’ll mess with if I try to make it too specific too early on. The key here is to be really honest to myself with whatever I am feeling.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Checkpoint #18

September was a revival of some old habits. It felt, as I expected it to be, quite dangerous. Being less focused and productive didn’t make me good. But even if the accomplishments of August started turning into ashes, I had enough protection for my self-esteem. And that’s one very important lesson here, how much I’m disliking this restraint thing. First of all, it makes me feel like wasting time. Second, it did not recharge my batteries, but maybe it’s because I didn’t know how to do it well. Third, because I didn’t know how to do it well (and Causal Assumption tells me I have to constantly do things well). To top it, I’ve learned the change from release to restraint has some requirements. The way I did it felt like a very brute change of motion. It was like doing something against the flow, like going up and up and then not only decelerating, but coming to a full brake. The result was something similar to passengers being thrown forwards by this dramatic change. I’ll have to learn how to change between them like one learns the moment to shift the gears when the car’s engine is asking us to.

It was a strange month. My ideas were half-working, but not exactly like the disassembling trances of June and July. It’s something like blackouts and maybe lack of motivation. It was a feeling of having no things to improve that is absurd and unfair with my several ongoing missions that I like leaving opened exactly because of this. It felt really uncomfortable, that feeling of losing passion, of things coming to an end, of life in roman ruins, etc. It’s the toll of restraint, probably. Or a bigger change in generations, like a skin-changing renovation (which is ofcoursely the title of a future text), considering the efforts and events from August and September (and maybe this is the effect from this brute alternation between release and restraint, so I'll try it again in the future). So I think it's for the good I didn't trust the restraint entirely and secretly I kept reaching to my soul for trances here and there.

It was a long month, and it felt like two or three different generations. I like this feeling, this realization that something that happened thirty days ago felt like a much more distant past. And it was hard for me to still focus on reading, and I think I'll need some martial methodism for the Whirlpool to work. Strange how I was consuming as much entertainment as any month of release, it's another reason for me to dislike those useless restraints. But there was this or that moment when I was glad I had no obligations, and it was nice to be without a schedule and deadline, and being free to be a little reckless, or to go out at every chance I had. I was more outgoing and I made several new friendships. There was this modest meeting of artists and illustrators from my city that I've attended for the first time, and it was a marvellous experience, and the complimments I've received about my work made me feel really encouraged. Huh, it made me feel briefly separated from the whole intimacy I had towards it, so it added to skin-changing and strangeness of the month.

It was also a month strangely absent of Scourgers. It’s as if I had been just tired of them, or then the toll makes me lose the sensibility that puts me in touch with my traumas. Lately I’ve been in grace with my drawing skills (and it's been even before that meeting) so it’s been protecting me from Ushag (though he’s still weakened from the explosive August). I’d expect Sfayi to lead my torment, but all her strength seemed to be used to unleash that beast that failed to bring me down. And even that monster locked in her undersea dungeons somehow just disappeared dozens of days ago. Hephaestus was disappointed, it had such a badass name and I needed more time with it to figure out the appearance. I don’t know if it was my mind locking them for my protection, or if I am seeing the world around me change. Maybe it all has to do with these events I’ve attended, and seeing I can participate more of conversations and everything. I’ve had one friend of mine who’s been so kind to me when I needed it, and this compassion she showed made see how good a true friendship can bring me. Still, even if Sfayi and Qareen seem like in the past already, I don’t want to think of having achieved a victory. That would be too strangely early.

Although I’m not releasing them, I still had a whole month’s worth of ideas like always.  But I’m not willing to think of it as my natural tendency as it could have been the inertia from all the energy in August. I’m itching to talk about them, and I had a hard time convincing me that I should not write texts this month. I can’t feel like not talking about them now (as I’m excited about writing an actual text again after a whole month), so there I’ve had the usual overcreative consequences of Gamma State (and trying to find a meaning for all greek letters I could find). Fortunately, I have more time to work on them, as some first version didn’t work. I don’t even know in how many parts I’ll divide it. I don’t know if it will need five, six or eight states to have it completely covered. Also I brought several new improvements to my mythological exercise. I have around ten new Scourgers, though they all need some refinery for fitting. I’ve been reflecting on the nature of the scourgers and it’s been interesting, though I think I’ve been considering a Scourger every annoying feeling. And as this was one whole month ago, I’m already used to this sweet new geographical definition I’ve made to the story that was approved magnificently by the Quintessential Rule. It’s been my main effort this month (when I should be resting), trying to see how I can string the events in there with the happenings in my life. But I think the most interesting idea is one I’m calling Outframing Principle. It’s not an amazing idea, but I liked using it to take a better look at analogous motifs.

And now the final trimester of the year is coming, and I am making my plans for a final act. It’s been a broken stream when I’ve noticed some months ago I could make plans ahead and then I lost it. Now I’ll make a quite longer plan involving the next three months. I’ll go back to a moderate release now in October, and the ideas from September alone can fill the quota easily. But I’ll try to shift the release from quantitative to qualitative (as most texts from August feel ridiculous and cheap to me now). In November I’ll try another restraint, and I hope I can deal better with it and its toll. And then in December I’ll release the efforts from the trimester. If it all goes well - and having three months to organize all my ideas seems enough -, then this year will truly be something I can boast about.


As to my request I did last month, I want you to know how disappointed I am with the complete silence you can make and that I can’t stop. It makes me want say so, so many things. Some things I must say, though. Your reaction is so ridiculous, absurd and frustrating I can only feel like… laughing, I guess. It’s what I’ve been fighting my whole life through, and I’ve made my best so far to actually bring people closer to me, and you insist in making me feel unworthy of one simple message of feedback. I’ve given my hand to you, I offered a chance for us to exchange ideas and be friends, and strangely you all declined it. It's nice to know  of people so fulfilled then need no more friends, but it’s not my loss either. I offered you the chance to be more than stastistics, but you’ve chosen not to be actual people to me. Still, I’ll remember this day. Someday it’ll be easy to give me compliments and agree with my ideas and all that fuzz. But then I’ll remember that when I needed support, that when I needed encouragement, today you were all silent. Honestly, although I don’t want to say you’re not welcome here anymore, I can’t feel comfortable in sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings in this condition. You’re not the kind of people I thought you could have been.