Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Of death and relief

This is the end.

I didn't really think as much about this as I should. But I just realized it ought to happen and I find myself feeling okay with this. I would never want this to die and there was a time when I'd grieve terribly at hints of its demise, but this is now ripe for the moment. And I'm so honestly okay with this, because I'm feeling I'm close to coming with terms with myself and am much more peaceful now compared to the distressful days that brought this project a birth.

I feel to my heart my work here is, whilst incomplete, almost overdone. I can't stop feeling this isn't inspirational as it once was. I got used to a formula that is not fun anymore and I can't force it to come back the way it was. So before it starts necrosing into an unbearable sore, this will now become my past set to be remembered with fond. I'm proud of the effort I poured into this and I changed through these months and years, and I what I'm leaving behind is my past. But not a forsaken one. More like a museum.

I did accomplish a lot here, in almost three years. A big book-worth colleciton of thoughts with almost one thousand texts published. Not a single comment, but heh, whatever about that now. So, not fully, but I developed myself and improved my writing skills and ways of expressing myself more efficiently. It is with much more ease now that I can express my ideas and feelings... I used to get all confused and lost back then. From my initial expectation, there were ideals I didn't reach, some I did and reached others I wasn't expecting at all. For instance, glad of this huge lore that sprouted and flourished incidentally, naturally. And they are to keep evolving. There are quintessences to work, gems to collect, mindscapes to find, qmus to feel, dioramas to shape, scourgers to fight. Ideas to have. Worlds to create. This spirit will always go on with me. With me in future enterprises.

A story told short, I wasn't feeling the development no more and I need to cut the stagnation off. See, I said this before, but I need something new. I've just started using what I've learned here to do something at last. From here on, I'll see those things as actual intellectual property, so I have new challenges that I've started practicing. It's not entirely mindblowingly revolutionary, but makes me feel a long-forgotten thrill, which is always a good sign.

This is not a bad day. Because this is the end, but also a new beginning.

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