Though I am feeling safe and, in a way, whole again, one thing I wasn't still able to claim back. I had powers that are now gone. Still gone. This is, clearly, what I used to call the Trances. I knew I had to understand what made them happen, and my sad fate is that I lost it before I could really understand.
I get sparkles of it sometimes, but it's just so faint. I don't know how my mojo worked for trances to happen as they used to, but sure they were utmost essential to creation of content. I don't know if it's the weariness of the journey, or the pressure of life out there squashing my peace and sensitivity, or if I am changing into something else, someone else. Not evolving, or changing it for a new self with new perks, I am afraid. Maybe it was a finite resource, like fossil oil running short and dry.
In the hero's journey, this would be the frame of the story when characters must fight on without their special weapon. We managed to get here with the aid of this powerful ally, now you've got to prove you can go on by yourself, or be strong enough to resist attacks without it. So where did it go, or why was it taken, I don't know. It's just not here and there's a feeling of powerlessness trying to conquer me, but I won't bend down.
My belief that I had been hanging around too much with people, trying to understand their amazing solving skills and their social skills. Is it really that trances don't coexist with a developed social life? Well, I've been having little time for me to dig in and lay baits with my introspective incursions. If that's that, I can just relearn it again, or find new reserves. If it was just a momentary consequence, a fortunate side effect of the nerd and isolate life I have been living, absorbing and learning and absorbing and internalizing everything to a point where I just exploded them thoughts out of me, I just need to remake these steps. Movies, books, music, games, thousands of them. Artists to inspire me, landscapes to sooth me. All alone if I must to.
But... and the doors that social network have opened for me? I have to decide what is most important to me in this moment.