Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Of solipsistic abandon

 No one ever wishes to feel lonely. Solitude is something entirely else. I like being in solitude with my emotions. But when I feel there's no other to whom I can relate those feelings, this is what makes me feel pretty miserably lonely.

I feel I am the only one having difficulties, doubts and insecurities. I hate when people don't admit facing difficulty, or opening their troubles to me. Even when they are so... lonely. They get so annoyed when I am suffering with a brokenheart or any other frustration, that I think they never felt it themselves. It seems only I feel emotions.

Here comes one big thalassic island coming to surface. Those very boiled down emotions that I have that are hard to express, as complex as they are, so forgive me if I am not really able to explain it minutely. But god, it makes feel less empathy towards others, it makes me feel they don't feel the world or sit around it with wonderings like mine. So much they don't express their struggle or their humanity, I naturally start not being able to see it. I see them as empty wanderers.

I don't usually make a lot of stupid things because of that, because I know how it works so I don't trust my feelings. No, the worst consequence is that I feel that it is unnatural to go through these hardships. I feel it is my fault if it's hard for me. I feel it is my fault something doesn't seem to happen.

Strange then it becomes to me, unwillingly belonging to a solipsistic isolation, when I see things that I feel just mine being expressed by others. Strange when dreams and fears of mine are shown by others. Depending on the circumstances, I can feel either relief or... jealousy. It's a delicate issue to me.

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