Friday, February 1, 2013

Checkpoint #22

January brought the long-sought recovery, finally. Not particularly glorious, but I fought hard for it and I have found/crafted/received enough hope, peace and motivation to go on. There were even some of the worst blows this time around, but the world was fair enough to give me enough nice things for me to get motivated. So, despite all this annoying sigma, at least this was a month I had alpha helping me.

It was nice to know I could still have these nice feelings. I don’t want to lose them again. Scourgers are still around, but battles this time are fair, and the game is changing. And I will fight with my teeth and nails to maintain my head up this time, so let’s see what will happen in the remaining eleven months of the year, it’s a thrilling mystery. And as I reignite all my flames together, this year I’ll try to break some more dams, mainly those that were rebuilt so strong in the latest times.

Deep inside, deep into the nights sometimes I still hear the mourning of the ghost of these past times. But this is just a memory now and I don’t want to live and behave like that no more. I want to work on sending a better message. I want to send a message of encouragement and hope. I don't want to be remembered by being so unnecessarily bitter and negative.

Controversially, this was the month when this place was almost closed, and not because I was feeling bad about myself (I was), but mainly because a cycle was over and when facing the new one I realized I didn’t want it to keep being exactly the same way it was all this time. I wasn’t really into writing these terrible texts again, so I was first thinking about not posting anything as I meant to reappraise the situation in here, but I was getting better and I had some ideas for the year.

This is one of the reasons why there were such fewer texts this month (and I have a bad feeling about them, but I don’t feel like revising them again). I don’t feel like I will do any massive posting no more. In fact, I intend to keep it between 15 and 20. All my ideas along the way will have to fit in it, and that’s going to be the challenge, doing more with less. Also, practicing the needlework with forty or fifty texts is hell.

Out of all ideas I had, the ones that could be the discovery of the month, they were all sent to February. There was a very nice realization that helped my stringing and my own perception of life that made me feel moderately lighter, but I wouldn’t say I had any relevant ideas like I used to think I used to have. This “discovery of the month” went corrupt and/or outdated and it wasn’t fair and interesting anymore. So I didn’t have any great idea this month, but I am not feeling really annoyed about it. I am in this process of thinking what ideas are supposed to be like and I think everything will just get better. Anyway, I want to focus in organizing everything, and this year is going to be more about building Eva Units than going around so madly searching for new grounds to explore. Alriiiight, the idea of Eva Units was really nice, but it means nothing if it doesn’t come true.

Despite not having that kind of usual ideas, I could think a lot of important stuff. And it was a productive month. I went back to drawing and I’ve been studying and practicing furiously and I want to keep that for the rest of the year. And I’ve been playing with my guitar and I was quite fond of it too. So this was the first time when my hendiatric set of skills were all on, which is something incredibly rare (though it was not perfect too). Hell, I even had a great update on tumblr and I’ve done a great effort in empting my cache of podcasts to be listened to (I'm halfway through the Stuff You Missed In History Class already!).

Changes are supposed to happen in here. It’ll feel nauseating if I keep repeating myself, so it will have to happen. Nothing too radical, I just want it to feel light and with some new flavor to it. I tried this time, but I think I didn’t really succeed, it seemed to be the inertia from the past and I think that’s what’s troubling me about them. I really think this is more of a challenge than simply enduring the pressure for disciplined posting last year. This time I need to reinvent myself here, and that’s a test much trickier to survive.

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