Of air safety

I once had a friend to whom I would show my drawings, and, being an artist herself, she would give some of her thoughts on my stuff. It always caught my attenttion how she would unknowingly compliment the very elements that had always bothered me the most.

Or was she a psychic who could read the troubles of my mind to get me exceptionally delighted or I do put a nice ammount of effort to fix the most flawed aspects of my drawings. Interesting is, they even seem to be improved in a way the least of my concerns end up looking pale in comparison, starting a repetition of this cycle.

Currently drowning in all this frustration, it's almost comforting to remember I am not one who is going to give up this easily.

Of Mindscapes

As a Taster, sensory feelings are everything for me. Smells and colors and sounds and flavors and textures are part of what my life is, especially because sometimes the combination of them creates a whole meaningful and memorable scenarios, despite of their usual fugacity.

Those are mindscapes, sensory feelings that combined stick to our memories. We all have lots of mindscapes in all our minds, ranging from all kind of experiences. That sunset hour plus her perfume. The foggy night plus a black metal song. That smell of coffee and plants in grandma's house.

I guess mindscapes are part of the whole personal element study. They can add so much to one's perception that I have this life goal that is to taste as many mindscapes as I can, be it through living my life or tasting other life stories (and clearly this has enormous story-telling potential).

It's weird to think there are people who have experienced mindscapes I could never dream of. It's quite interesting to try thinking of them, to broad my horizons. It's also helpful to realize some of my most influential mindscapes can be completely unknown or uninfluential to others.

I like living in this small city surrounded by nature. Mountains and valleys and forests. Now here's a cold and cloudy day. And I've got a hymn for this mindscape. I mean, there's quite a lot of them. There's so many of these heavy atmospheric, melancholic (sometimes with a hint of anguish)-sounding songs that I had to name them, Sunday Gray (i know, these names embarrass me, but a name is a name). So far the list includes: Alice in Chains' Bleed the Freak, Pearl Jam's Black, Acid Bath's Venus Blue, Metallica's My Friend of Misery, and, currently the most meaningful one, Pantera's Floods (especially that sweet outro, but that's quite because of another mindscape).
This whole mindscape actually reminds me of the city I grew in, which sometimes used to feel this beautifully sad and melancholic in days like this. Hey, umm, all these songs were released in 90s, the decade I lived there. Also, my brother did use to listen to a lot of grunge and thrash metal back then. Probably there's a Nirvana song that'll fit in this list (oh, it's quite frustrating to realize it's just a nostalgia-indulced feeling). So this whole Gray mindscape is indeed one of my strongest ones, and it has even influenced my musical taste. Quite deeply, I'd say, for this mindscape could pretty much even be the reason I love so much baritones vocalists and low-sounding instruments like bass and cello.

Of ringing frequencies

I like it when movies have phrases that stick to your head, not because they are deep or whatever, but because they sound catchy as hell. My favorite saying from the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy is when Pippin says "Sure I know a Baggins! He's over there. Frodo Baggins!". There's this amusing accent and the high-pitched delivery of the "sure" that got me and kept making me repeat the sentence throughout the day.

I remember I was petting the dogs a while ago when the sentence came back to my mind, and there I was imitating Pippin's high-pitched "suuure", when one of the dogs went crazy. I stopped for a moment and then I repeated it. He was now apeshit insane. And that's why this dog recently got called Sure, said with a high note.
I like it, because when you call one of them by their name they all come along. But when I call Sure, sure only Sure comes to me.

And then one of these days I was sitting near the door tasting the sun when I called Sure. He's better now, he only waves his tail, instead of feeling like being everywhere at once. It got me thinking, weird how you deliver this certain frequency and that makes Sure so happy.

Of dead-ends

Frustration, here I meet you again...

Sometimes I feel like I've made all the worst choices possible and the future seems hopeless and unmendable. I hate the pressure of comparing age and accomplishments, as I always feel I'm running out of time. I can only feel I screwed everything up by making dreadful mistakes and now I'm being left behind as a punishment. Sounds like it's me being pushed to the infamous rat race.

But I'm learning there's no such a thing as "point of no return" in life. Sometimes I regret so many things I feel I'd be better starting everything all over again, but there's always acceptance. Maybe we don't need to undergo so much stress to achieve perfection and find happiness. Sure some suffering can toughen us up, but how much of it is truly necessary?

Of admiration

I talked with my mother earlier today, and I told her some of the least worrisome things that have been nailing me to my bed. At the same time she implicitly allowed me to feel comfortable with crying (in front of someone), she could make me smile just as easily. Even when talking about all the depressions she's been through herself, she was capable of showing a remarkable sense of humor and making me laugh in midst of tears.

I have no words to express how much I love this woman, but I feel glad I had a chance to hug her and tell I love her.

Of help

I've been having this feeling that if I were to scream how much pain I feel and how much love I need, all I would hear is someone, after rising the head melancholically, saying calmly "well, get in the line".