November did not bring the expected recovery. There
was a little of it, yes, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as October, yes. I felt
like being on track, yes, but these texts this month took some four times what it would usually take for me to get them done, and my chaining and networking (and revision) skills
have to be relearned (it could be the toll of restraint). Also, of all the wounds
from October, I am having a hard time recovering from them. Hephaestus’ Fever
is still happening, though I am doing what I can despite this debilitation. But
every little attempt has been strangely scary, and I don’t know why every
little thing is so traumatizing to me.
Everything is changing for me, and I don’t
think it’s going to be for the better. I think it might be important to show the
context of my personal life to understand it all. What happened is that suddenly
I started feeling an aversion to all things surrounding the life I had, some ‘it’s enough’
kind of deal. And I started feeling so bad about everything around me that I
quit my job and I even moved to another city and another state. As one
generation was over, I wanted to try new things so the next one would keep me instigated,
but I’m realizing nothing has changed, nothing will change. I’ve always felt something was missing
from me, and that climbing my way through life I’d eventually find it. However,
now I know this is what my life is always going to be about, I will always be here,
doing this, stuck in this level. My life is going to be this lonely and
mediocre routine, just trying to do my best and getting nothing in exchange. I can’t get the basics everyone is getting so easily and
everything seems working against my attempts to overcome it that it almost
feels like a goddamn joke. I’m tired of only being able to harvest sadness,
anger and desolation.
I am hardly finding a lasting excitement, which
is one of the causes every little bit of release has an enormous toll to it. Thinking
and writing definitely weren’t wearisome like this. It is strange how I have
always been worried about things coming to an end, and how I am trying to prevent
that, but in the middle of it all, I just realized that it is happening already.
This is pretty much one of the worst conditions for me to keep going, immersed
in this complete lack of perspective and motivation. Maybe this is the end
already. I want to have hope for a recovery and for things to be like they used
to be, but this causal aversion against Hephaestus is really getting me…
Anyway, the work of the month was just one isle
of peace and inspiration, and it was the development of the story of the
flames. I think I can consider the Zhàn Empire the most important thing I’ve
done this month because now Zhu Rong doesn’t feel too unpaired in the team. But
there is something else I am quite proud of, which is this first dialogue I
have written. Hopefully it will increase the sieging in my mind for how
dialogues flow, how voices can interact, dance and clash. It was my first
one, and it was about events not stringed completely, and also it’s has
problems regarding the seventh scroll, but I think it was a nice beginning.
Now, there is so much happening to me that I am
still trying to understand what is happening, and that has been my focus
lately. In fact, several texts were out because I am not sure about their
content, so I went mostly with ideas. I’ll try to focus more on this confusing
setting on December, and also less on ideas. The time that is left I’ll try to
go back to drawing (though there's an aversion to it too as scanning them got me out of the overloaded blindfold I had... god, how awful they are...) and maybe try something about that trimester plan. By the
way, the way it’s been going it’s about to be doomed unless something brings me
an unexpected twist of hope and energy.
