My life currently is something I am mostly
bearing with, and it’s the reason why I was brought down with so much violence
when finding out this life is what I am getting. I don’t want to live like
this, I don’t want to feel this miserable all this time. But I’ve been noticing
that I am wasting a whole amount of time, all due to one strange obsession to
expect something else, usually something in the future.
First thing, I am hardly satisfied with my
life. It’s rarely a matter of the situation itself, but rather my own
equivocated usage of it. I am mostly expecting the situation that is never
here. It starts sounding fishy when I bring it here and I feel like wanting
something else.
Thing is, I need to have my attention focused
in the moment at hand for me to appreciate it. I have to be enjoying what I
have as the greatest opportunity I will ever have, instead of expectations and
nostalgia. And though it sounds simple, it can’t be done just by rationally
realizing this.
For some reason, it’s really hard for me, and
maybe it’s been cemented during all this life I’ve lived like this. At the same
time, it’s when I enjoy the present that I feel bad afterwards, because I felt
like regret of a wasted time. It gets fishier – not to mention it fucks up my
string studies, as Csillag seems to be on my side, just a little too violent. But
this is how the logic of Scourgers go: it might seem like they could help me,
but I just feel hurt by everything that I do.
I am losing great opportunities, I am wasting
great moments. I will simply regret my life if I don’t change it at once to
fully start appreciation the here and now. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting
down to earth and stop dreaming and expecting things. I am here and being here alone should be enough for
me.
