And here I am again with the bitter taste of
defeat. But this is not a simple defeat, but rather a nuclear one. I thought I
was taking care of my mind and making it protected. But after all this time, in
this time of need, the feeling I have is “what have I been doing all this time instead
of protecting my mind?” and wait.
Although it looks like I’ve done a lot this
year, it was all easily destroyed. All because my defense was extremely
ill-planned, as one droplet could simply bring a chained downfall. It didn’t
serve to last, and I wonder if it wouldn’t resist if I just had it done with
more diligence, competence and sense of priority.
One of the reasons I’ve met such a crisis is
because all of my effort throughout the whole year didn’t change a thing, and
that creates in me an aversion to this fool’s play. I thought I could say I
know myself and so I can protect myself easily, but the answer was a deafening
alarm. But I wonder, was this naming spree not enough, or is it the very reason
it didn’t work in the first place? Maybe I had given it more importance it
deserved, and so behind this naming scheme the explosion was being built.
The more I try to take care and organize my
mind, it builds up more chaos than if it was left alone, like most people deal
with it. And I think others probably won’t suffer this much from uncontrollable
forces like I do. It really seems they have them under control more easily than
I do. Seems I’m really incompetent in searching and organizing my mind and soul,
or maybe I am just giving too much food to the black wolf.
