I’m still too awkward in dealing with the
world. It’s as if all my efforts in trying to deal with it backfired and I felt
like I was just finding it out for the first time ever. I feel ashamed. Where
have I been this whole time? Why is it that I feel so inexperienced about
everything?
Being an amateur
is like a stigma I fear of carrying for my whole life. I look at those people
doing everything with such an elegance that I feel… blushing. It’s a level of professional
and social dexterity that makes me feel both jealous and sad. They deal with
reality in a way that I long to do myself. Sometimes I feel inspired, but it’s
been rare (and I know it should be the right feeling to feel, but it doesn’t work
this easy while Omega levels are this high). They work around making an
excelsior use of the surrounding vertices that it feels like a dance.
And I am so clumsy. Even my working ideas show
accidents that put me in moments of embarrassment. I look at something I can
feel proud of, and it crumbles down. I look at the thalassic particles coming
and… every single one hits me.
It’s a matter of time, I guess. I have to be
patient and eventually everything will be as I wanted them (I hope). I just
need to keep focusing on the flames and the axioms. Maybe someday someone will
look at this and they will see it shining. The needlework done brilliantly, the
engrish mistakes inexistent. Would they try doing it themselves? Would their
restart the cycle or will I be the one getting into a crisis every time and
again and feeling like a rookie all over again?
