There are times when I feel there is some kind
of reservoir of energy and creativity and a sense of expendable resources I use
to keep this blog running. And usually I am more aware of this notion by
noticing this energy bar has been going down and lower. And lately I’ve been
feeling it so frequently that is one important element in the compound that are
my worries.
I am afraid of using so much of my mental power
that one day my brain will just short-circuit. It’ll then remain useless
without hope of recharging. It’ll be just something fried and a faint smoke
will be rising from it. I feel that because of this sensation of pushing the
engine so far without actually moving.
It reminds me those people who do such
achievements in art or science and then they overdose in it and then they lose
their mojo. Their talent and their thoughts become fruitless. It’s something I
find so terribly dangerous and so likely to happen, that it’s even one of the
reasons I try to keep going with this slow brickwork, so I won’t ever cross
this line. After all, my style of work didn’t make me achieve a lot while it’s
burning all this resource out.
One curious thing is that this feeling I have
is also related to the idea of putting so much effort in seeing and
experiencing life that one day it would no longer enchant me. Or maybe even
feel like I have had everything it could offer me. It’s as if I could just
completely extinguish the interest I could have about it. It’s dreadful,
dreadful.
