I want to find something that is worth of
dedicating my whole life into it. Most of the time I know this is what I want to do. I want to think and write, picture it
all and play songs out of them. This is what I am actually good at, so it makes
sense I should make investment in it.
But then I think, will my whole life be making
little drawings, making songs, writing stories While others go and push the
world further in technological and social advancements? I’ll be alone, playing
with lines and notes, living in fiction. Out of all there is in the world out
there, and with all the help it needs I’ll spend my life doing this which will
do nothing for the world?
It makes me sick sometimes, I have headaches
and I lose appetite. It becomes meaningless to embark in this. I feel terrible
and discouraged to do enter in the business world and it makes my soul shrink,
but I feel a coward in trying to live a simple life without all the stress. I
am deadly tired of it at the young age of twenty-four.
That’s one of the reasons October and November
were so terrible. I wish I could do something important for the world, but I am
just realizing this is hardly something I will be able to do. I just can’t take
the pressure, and it even makes me unable to keep marching. So I should get
just focused in doing this for myself, then. But playing with it this alone makes it even more obsolete
of a quest…
So in the turn of the events, that’s what makes
it so much harder to engage in the pursuit. It’s not merely a matter of facing
difficulties, but seeing a point in doing so. I wish I could firmly believe in
what I am doing, seeing it being the holiest activity I could ever do, but
honestly, it’s not working…
It's hard to invest my time in here when I feel the eyes sayign "go do something useful like being a doctor or an engineer". My own family seems to think I am wasting my time. Somehow it's hard to convince people that what I am doing here has any importance. It seems like just some hobby and not an intense investment. For them an intense investment means being enrolled in college or paying a lot to learn, instead of thinking and studying and writing and practicing and living it 24/7.
It's hard to invest my time in here when I feel the eyes sayign "go do something useful like being a doctor or an engineer". My own family seems to think I am wasting my time. Somehow it's hard to convince people that what I am doing here has any importance. It seems like just some hobby and not an intense investment. For them an intense investment means being enrolled in college or paying a lot to learn, instead of thinking and studying and writing and practicing and living it 24/7.
