My latest depression has brought me so many
things I’ve noticed were wrong with me I could barely bear listening to so many
self-accusations I’ve brought upon myself. It’s something really terrible but
at the same time I don’t think I should just forget about them.
Writing a whole text for each of them would
make it consume too much time and I don’t think I can deal with them all in one
month alone, so here it’s basically
just gathering them, and they are all chests containing my flaws and problems.
It’s some sort of Pandora’s Box, and they’re dangerous in the hands of the
scourgers, I have to have them kept safe by my flames. But they can’t just be
isolated or hidden, no. An early analogy would be of bombs needing to be
deactivated, but I sort of think it curiously doesn’t fit in a medieval
setting.
One of my main worries, and the most dangerous
accusation is how much I’m delaying a career. It’s not like I want to do
something that’s separated from what I do in here, but I need to actually be
able to make a living of this. And that’s something that worries me so, so
much. This should be more of a market-oriented enterprise. I am one year from
turning twenty-five, and as much as I’ve been working a lot in here, I am not
actually making any difference, and I am having absolutely no profit from these
skills I want to develop. My first thoughts to resolve it would be trying to
use this pattern-seeking thirst of mine for administrative purposes. If it
could be well-done, I could actually be good in solving problems. Or then, I
think it would be really cool to apply those ideas to historical studies. The
problem is that I am finding a terrible trauma of dealing with the business
world, something I was already starting to feel confident I could overcome.
The second most urgent notification is a
feeling that I am lacking responsibility and professionalism to all I do. It’s
one of the aspects that made the October wars so hard for me to perform a
defense How could I tell I am not just running away from any obligation?
Nothing I had been doing could be considered responsibility. I am mostly just
staying on this blog month after month because I have such a clinging
disposition towards what this place means to me. It follows the simple plan of
laying out as much thoughts and I can trying to see how much I can do until I
turn twenty-five, and that’s been a pretty unhealthy methodology as I’m
learning the hard way. Also, I’m running without demands. Though I’m forcing my
creativity and potential to generate ideas, I don’t think I can handle well the
pressure or market demands. I just wonder if suddenly this place would boom and
I became, I don’t know, famous. I don’t know how to deal with that, and I don’t
even think I want that. In fact, I don’t think I have any true necessity of it.
I’d simply enjoy belonging to any small group where I could make some contribution
and together we could do something, but honestly I’d like the simple thought of
finding a group of people to discuss about those things simply so I wouldn’t
feel alone. I don’t want to get rich or successful, I just want to belong.
Third accusation is the lack of bronze
engagement. Or, in normal terms, being uninformed of the details of the
political, economical and social aspects of the world we are living in. The
world is running out there, and I am dedicating most of my time in here.
Political scandals, social manifestations, economical issues, and I am not
engaged with any of those matters. I am not following the news as much as any
sentient citizen should. I really blame myself for it. But honestly, all this
time I felt I could never find something that feels entirely trustworthy, or
being actually informative. Shouting some
random events that have happened in this day doesn’t seem to be much
like getting actually informed like I thought it should be. I wanted something
that would stream a line of connection, and that could show the progress of the
events. (Maybe there’s something the world needs, could I do it? Oh god, the
seed is there, now don’t get too hasty to create a sieging now, please, brain).
The fourth notification is about my emotional instability.
It makes it very hard for me to keep going, or even to be taken seriously or to
be trusted, for that matter. I think all this sensitivity is bringing this
enormous toll to it. All this sensitivity I try to maintain in order to open
anthems for trances is coming with a huge, huge price. It makes me exposed and
vulnerable to all these black feelings preying on me. And it also makes me so
much more fragile to get myself together and fight back. The tricky thing is
the plan is too obvious: I have to be strong and not listen to them, or let
them take over me. But there are only too many resources they possess that make
their invasion so easy for them to maintain. The causal aversion/adherence to
make me turn against my own flames is one of their lowest moves. Another
problem is how I am constantly worried about things, which might show
responsibility through the concern, but it doesn’t pay the price of the damage
it brings, as it’s a doorway to scorchers. I can get stressed and impatient so
easily and though in most circumstances it can be held under control, deep
inside it still is corroding me. I’ve been learning how to take some deep
breaths and let things go as they are, but it mostly works with more simple
things, unlike the issue of dealing with my future. Also I am so worried about
being here, wanting to be there and unable to enjoy the present, and there’s so
much anxiety and I feel it damaging my physical health.
The sixth accusation is about how all I am
doing is no more than silly reveries that have no relevance. I am afraid of my
thoughts sounding too much like self-help and nonsense about mentalism.
Considering I am so often expressing effects of my mind, and doing it in such
an enthusiastic way and apparently making it all up from my ass, I wouldn’t be
surprised if my introspective incursions were being seen as half-witted
attempts to try sound like an expert in the area. Indeed, I need to be more
scientifically-oriented in my discipline. All in all, I know I put a lot of
doubts in it all, be it all mindtraps and cracks I try to be aware against, but
a more severe dedication to build and systematize it all would be greatly
welcome. I wouldn’t find it surprising if what I am doing here ends up being
considered some esoteric work, considering I’m talking about mental abilities
and some spiritual thoughts. I know my mind can do some strange things, but
that’s entirely explainable by psychology, I don’t want telephatic and
clairvoyant powers more than I just want to test the artistic possibilities of
trying to work with how my mind revolves with images, sounds and other
influences. I’m doing pseudoscience here, if that means going without any
academic methodology. But down to the core, I know I’m trying to follow
science’s main rules down to its core.
Seventh problem is about communication
problems. It’s about how I can’t connect to others. I can’t concentrate easily
in reading, and I think I have a lot of interpretative issues. When people
orient me I get lost easily and don’t know if I see so many possibilities of
interpretation of if I am just stupid, but I’m sure others do consider the
last. Also, I don’t know if I am showing myself properly, I don’t know if I am
being coherent, if there’s any eloquence in my speech or it just sounds like
some silly self-help and some mentalism jibber-jabber. I am no longer able to
tell if I am just imagining things or seeing any hint of the true reality
anymore. I don’t know how far all that I am doing here is actually making any
sense to anyone reading my thoughts. Is
it difficult to follow? Or is it too silly and predictable and already common
ground? What is the impression my thoughts and ideas are having on the readers?
Eight is about trying to do too many things,
but never doing one in a professional level. The problem here is about having
no focus, and just wandering through all I find, and leaving everything
unfinished. It’s about not being able to establish one main commitment. In
fact, it’s about not being able to keep the decided terms on my hierarchy of
skills. I know I should focus on my drawings, but I’m letting Hephaestus go
around while Vesta feels frustrated about him. See, I keep thinking about
little characters and I get my mind distracted so easily.
Ninth problem I have to deal it is about the
denial of the pressure. It’s a saboteer mindtrap disguised as beneficial
emotion. It tells me that it is okay to avoid going out for my dreams. In a
practical way, I’m afraid it’s this saboteer behind the Tactical Exile,
Brickwork and Campbell
And, gosh, I think that should be enough for
now. I think there will be more of them, and I’ll need to bring them to this
place, so I need a name so I will know what place is it. I’ll call it the Well
of Abscission. As well for the room for String Scrolls, here I just listed
them, they have just been brought to the place, but I’ll try to get them in
better compartments and things like that very soon.
