Whenever I find myself being me, all I have is
a sensation without much of the interference of the past. I look back to the
memories I knew I had, but somehow there are not crests from them, not even
impacting moments. It’s a moment of apathy when I feel isled in the present,
and it’s strange to find those delta stones that tell me of something I have in
fact experienced. So it’s a t-shirt or some keyring or another that somehow
survived time and are around me like layers of time.
I don’t understand why sometimes when a
generation is over it suddenly feels like it had never happened. It seems to be
related to how extreme one change of generations can be. A very steep turn in
my life might make me feel like the immediate memories aren’t real. Maybe it’s
something too big for the Wehmut to process immediately, but this is really,
really strange. I don’t even think it’s healthy…
The complete situation is that I have the
constant sensation that I have never lived through anything in my life. All
relationships I’ve had, it’s like none has happened. All adventures, nights and
incredible experiences and accomplishments: nothing. Indeed I can retrieve
them, but at the end of the day, it’s as if it didn’t matter if I had imagined
or experienced it. And that realization brings a strange relief to my mind, but
I am afraid of relief.
