Of cobwebs

My minds seems to have a taste for things I always took for granted, and some of them only now I am beginning to acknowledge their psychological meaning. I am just starting to truly realize how some things I lived and felt are probably things only I have experienced, which can be a terrifying thing under a certain point of view. Maybe those things I strive for are loose ends, things that life eventually made me forget about, but things too meaningful that won't allow themselves to be forgotten, and become unfinished business accumulating in my brain.

To a certain extent, most of them seem to be related to my childhood. This longing for cloudy days, this fascination with slavic culture (weirdly connected to christmas, somehow), this willing to live in an apartment in a big city, to do things city kids do - somehow this city-life mindscape always remind me of some cousins of mine I haven't never had this much contact for them to be this influential over me. For some reason my taste for grunge and thrash metal has to do with this, they remind me of these cousins of mine, and these cloudy days too (hence the Sunday Gray songs i've once mentioned here).

There are some objects of desire that for some reason remain from shows I used to watch or from things wanted or used to do, thoughts I've been taught to put aside as to focus on more important things, thoughts I've abandoned but loyally refuse to let go and still linger around my mind. Maybe it was moving to a new city when I was plain comfortable with the life I was having. Come to think of it, it was all so... abrupt.

So I want to slowly retrack my life so far, trying to remember all things I've lived through and track down every unfinished business haunting my mind. Unfortunately I can't go the city I grew in right now or any time soon, so I'll have to relive it all through my mind; all those people, all those houses, all the places I used to play, all things that affected me somehow (like those streets I were afraid of because of the evil dogs or the creepy-ass house, or that smell of plants in my grandmas). Most things are already too lost to be recovered, but I hope that those very loose ends can serve me of a hint for memories that I need to recollect.

But there's something to this increasing awareness project that makes me feel a little hesitant before taking the first step into the quest. I have a feeling that this could change who I am, forever. It feels like I'm about to unveil the magic, and this dissection is going to make my own mystery become stale, like someone trivially explaining to me the simple trick behind the amazing show I had fond memories of, making it empty and meaningless afterwards. It's like cleaning up the place from these cobwebs, but feeling pretty comfortable the way it is now. I feel resistant to change, afraid that this is would be to make a sacred place profane. Afraid to lose the innocence. But this resistance smells like mindtrap afraid to be erased. I need to resolve myself and clean up my mind of all things that accumulated into my subunconscious during all this time. They could be the very thing overloading my mind (or, more probably, handicapping the flow).

Maybe I'm afraid this will erase my memories or that this will make me become someone else, so this ironic realization makes me less hesitant. But I'll still have to be careful, as maybe just being aware of it all doesn't mean the cobwebs will be removed, which is what happens when nuclearity doesn't come in the resolve.

I need to find a way to bring relief to those mindscapes. I have a deep love for them and I want them to keep being as influential as they are, but I need to make them stop begging me to relive them all the goddamn time.This obsession is blocking my development, preventing me from -not discoverying - wholly appreciating new tastes and spices.