The kind of overload my mind's been going though lately is the worst of the kinds, it's the one that can't be truly unloaded, as it's paradoxally full and empty at the same time. According to my thoughts on Dormancy, I'm allowed to run my life like a healthy man who can laugh at poop jokes, but when I get away from the world and open the door to my mind, I've been always finding it haunted by an on-going silent anarchy and I am afraid of really getting in to put things out properly.
How could this have happened?
This whole project thing has been getting me so obsessed with it's bringing me some problems I've not accounted. I've been overloading my mind, trying to cram as much information in as I can, trying to unveil as many realizations as possible, and trying to avoid sleep and proper alimentation to optimize time. I think I never made it this far, this level of introspection, focusing this much on the connection of the stream of thoughts, and making maximum use of the things I've learned in the past few months to develop my drawing skills in the least ammount of time. So much preoccupation devoted to development, organization and overall efficiency. It's been my main focus these last weeks, getting to know my mind as much as I can, to chart it all as fast as I can, to get myself in the appropriate condition as soon as possible. I've been so desperately looking for a major realization a Master Answer of some kind to help me become more aware of the things in my mind and to put things in place, in a fireproof place, but after all this quest I've only found myself even farther away from my objectives. It's been an obsession that has found its way to my subconcious, pulling the strings of my thoughts and actions and now have one more reason to unmask these subconscious forces. A Circle of Doom has been created to imprison my mind in its exitlessness.
I've treaded my mind in such a small period of time, in such a dangerous time, since I was not even emotionally stable to do this.I've had my mental facilities sabotated by suddenly overpowered agents of my own - Antithesis had always been dutied with a delicate responsibility, and it's been possessed by stranger forces. It all added to make me get this dizzy feeling of going paranoid and deranged.
I may be losing control of my priorities, losing the perception of time and even my goals are getting disorderly despite the very obsession with them. I'm thinking things I shouldn't bother thinking or that are deviating my mind inappropriately, and sometimes I've found myself violating some of my own rules and principles I've gotten made clear already (in opposite of breaking rules for freedom). I am losing control of what may be really important, or even to acknowledge what those things are in the first place. I'm confused, tired, weary when my mind is active. I've done it so obsessively that I lost control of it all and now I'm all dizzy and I don't even know what's going on. I don't know which thoughts and feelings I should trust. I feel like they're proliferating and there's too much of them for me to possibly handle.
It's been a cloudy day. My mind is cloudy too, and I hate having it under this lead-ruled atmosphere. I've tried some experiments with my emotional responses and I feel I've got it all so disaranged, everything so free and out of place and now my mind seems to be going cucko with all the chaos that are these thoughts running one over each other and getting away with a maniacal laughter before I can make some use of them. It's like when you disconstruct your little radio to see how it works and mid-way you realize you don't know to put it all together again, so you desperately try to remount its status quo. And then you sit back with the hands on your face, taking a deep breath.
Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe there's no chaos, or maybe it was always there and for some reason I'm just more aware of it (which could very well be an assuring thought if it's a proper realization). Maybe my mind started to run in a different pace and I'm not able to keep up with it yet, and even then I don't think it is welcome in the first place. Maybe I'm actually depressed and I haven't even realized that out. Maybe I should just get some days of sleep, instead of letting those thoughts trying to figure out the other thoughts, but I'm afraid I'm too addicted to this whole thing. The obsession still rages on and I'm finding everything distracting in a way or another. Everything is striking me with meaning, there's shapes and lines everywhere, summoning absurd correlations, and my mind is overloaded with creations of all kinds.
The problem is that I got no guiddance. If had I any mentor to orient me it'd be easier to know the right paths and proper lenghts. But the way I am in I don't even know if there's been any kind of actual development or if I'm just going backwards. I don't know if I'm being put beyond or behing. This is, after all, the loneliest activity, and I get no clue to where I may be heading to. I don't know how far I must go, how healthy and how important, relevant it actually is to do all of this. But I'm walking untreaded grounds only I can know, and learning to operate the cogs in this machine is making me learn wonders.
Apparently I am the only one who seems to notice the potencial I can unleash here, and finding myself brought down due to my own doings makes me feel like a fool, victim of my own stupid ambition. Sometimes it seems the most meaningless and irrelevant, pretentious quest. But all I've achieved through it helped me harden the motivations I've settled for, and once again they'll support me to find the way out of the bottom of the well. The fact I'm always this alone is something that I won't allow me to forget, as I need my motivations hardened.
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