Of Prime Mindscapes and Triggered Wehmut

Once in a while I can find comfort and peace in some conditions my body and my mind experience. I seem to find comfort and peace of mind by experiencing certain mindscapes. Sometimes they feel so fresh that they seem like new experiences, but in hindsight I realize they are the same ones every single time.

I’m calling them the Prime Mindscapes, the foundation of all that I feel and long for, and they interfere with the way I react to the real world. As far as I can tell, they are born from all forms of fusion and combinations that leave an imprint in my mind. Routines can create mindscapes as repetition makes anything oddly meaningful. Routines can make anything worth of being seen as a fullfledged rite.

I feel kind of annoyed by feeling it only like a limitation. It's some kind of shame of still being imprisoned in my own subjectivity. It's only a struggle to realize I am always watching everything from the same position over and again, no matter how much I try to change. I am always being just me. So limitedly me.

It's important for me to broaden my horizons and taste the present. But living the present means creating more routines and more meaningful mindscapes that in the future will trigger my long for the past once again, making my life an enjoyment only of all that is past. It reminds of a german word I’ve once learned, Wehmut. It means a yearning, a wistful longing for the past (it's close to the word we have in portuguese, "saudade”, but I find stranger words more spicy for names).

But then again, the Prime Mindscapes are part of the Thing That Has No Name deep inside that is what I am. Maybe there’s a subconscious force leading me to chase them, probably the same force that keeps firing my obsession and emptiness and longing to be someone else. Or maybe it’s the fear of being defined. After all, why should I chase something that gives me peace of mind?

I'm riddled by a conflict here. It could be a petty realization against them Primers, maybe I shouldn't feel threatened by them dictating my reactions, making the so awfully predictable. But both sides have a point, so I feel like I have to play chess for both sides, trying to make the best moves for each side to win. I should make a draw, but I don't how to balance two opposite thoughts, one side that says happiness is outsided to be achieved, other one saying happiness is within, being comfortable with the current condition. Maybe there is a balance, but I need to give it more thoughts before I can feel the answer.

In the end, all I know is that there's something missing from me and I have to achieve it somehow. It seems like the old obsession bringing me insatisfaction while I search for it, the Ultimate Answer that will show me all that is my own reality, all that I am, all that I need.  The Master Answer that will the make the Ontological Puzzle resolve itself. Heh, interesting how things can look so silly depending on the way you word them.