Of dead-ends (again)

This feeling of emptiness and insatisfaction seems to be growing bigger by the day, and I'm finding myself every day more depressed. I wish I could just check my motivations to refill my stamina all over again, but it seems they are having no effect, and I need stimulus for Hephaestosis to work.

One of the stimuli is the strength born from being weak, and that curious phenomenon I always used to my advantage doesn't seem to be working. I need a reason to create, to have my mind firing up new worlds and cascades of colors and life, but I just see no point in it anymore, I don't know what I am to do with my creations. Actually I do, but I'm getting no emotional response. The thing is, Hephaestus' fire is probably one of the few things that still made sense to me, and losing it makes me lose the ability to see a reason in life.

This whole quest is getting meaningless. I'm always getting nowhere, there's no true feeling of accomplishment except little craftings to distract myself. I feel like awakening from delirium and how unfit I'm for my own ambition. I keep only finding myself weighened down by my insignificance, my unchartable ignorance and asininity. I always felt like being behind, and this could be a late entrance into adulthood when life loses its wondrous appeal, and I am going to be just one more dreamless person in the world who finally noticed it's pathetically useless to try doing something to change the world. I dread this so much I prefer other alternatives.

This is the fourth moment in my life when I felt I've hit the lowest level (curiously, all since the beginning of this year). The other times I felt a little desperate with the total lack of perspective, like future doesn't exist for me, but I think I'm either getting used to it or I just know something will pull me out soon again. Maybe this is one of the subconscious forces that seem to be working with me, instead of against me.

Interesting, I've been talking about dictatorships and rebellions. I should have seen there would be a time when I'd not be in control of my mind anymore.