It seems I'm finding hope once again. But the wound stands unhealed and I don't to leave this place without learning a bit more about how I can avoid falling into this trap the next time. This is an opportunity to rise stronger than before, so I don't just want to have the strength to stand up after the beating, but to kick the everloving shit out of my beater.
I've been thinking lately of how much I've been changing, and of all things that were forgotten. It looks like all texts I've written here could have become something entirely different only by writing it in a different moment. It's all about a state of mind, apparently, the way we react to things. For example, one or two months ago I've been troubled by the ideas fleeing my mind as I would come to write things here, and now I just don't seem to be as much bothered by that. As I write this text the keywords come right in time, paragraphs easily rearrange themselves, and leitmotifs define themselves clearer along the way. I can feel it, the struggle of writing finally starting to become a pleasant task. All strict rules and techniques I've settled for before are becoming intuitive, subconscious now. It's one goal achieved, I'm happy to say that.
The way I react to challenges seems to be changing, as I'm seem to be changing the state of mind when I face them. I'm finding it easier to accept some challenges instead of postponing them. It's all about turning the fear into an adventurous adrenaline or something like that. It started last week, I think, when I settled to study every inch of human anatomy and I've started drawing all the arm muscles from several angles. Every new attempt made me hold my breath, as I'd be nervous with the idea of making mistakes and ruining the page filled with other successful studies.
Crossing the line of hesitation and unleashing a confident movement while thinking "I'm doing it" is a rewarding action. Facing the daunting prospect of failure seems to develop my sense of courage, and it feels like my brain gets some injection of those happiness chemicals I always forget the name.
These are some subconscious fears I've identified through introspection, by being confident I have the strength to accept the challenge that is to defeat them. There's thousands of these demons, and I thought I had fought several of them for good already, but I never seem to defeat them. The wound always stands unhealed. I have to strive for some Nuclearity here, I have to introspect my way into my subconscious and face the very core of my own fears. Man, that's gonna hurt.
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