Of grinding

The cause of the last major depression I went through might have something to do with I becoming more exigent about myself, in a sudden turn of events. I realized how much I have to develop my skills to get somewhere, how more serious I have to get, and then I just was afraid of how low-level and lazy I still am. I am late and time clocks on. Continue?
It's quite a scary thought that held me truly hesitant and willing to give up. But I'll accept the challenge.

If it goes like my plan, and it's a simple one, it'll all be like learning anatomy for days and then drawing figures with much more ease and accuracy. I just have to get into deeper and more serious studies and professional readings. It's all about Solidification, getting prepared for real shit this time.

Thing is, up to this point it's really easy to dream and be delirious about, and then loosing the grip along the time, this is a false Hephaestosis, this will lead to no true dedication, and I have to be aware against this sort of things from now on. But if I can somehow manage to keep the true Fire burning long enough for me to resist the pressure of this burden I'm confident I'll find my way. I still feel wounded by loneliness, and getting energy from hate and social frustration is doing me no good, it's blindingly distracting. But I'm admittedly having a hard time being forgiving, and also sour is what fuels my inner volcano, even though it's destroying me by the day, adding a seemingly dead stare to my eyes.

At any rate, I know that those studies will result in nuclear enhancement of knowledge and will serve me to become more credible, as you need to extensively prove your merits first before having the right to be simply heard (or, more accurately, when they've run out of assets to prove you wrong, and while some do this out of precaution, others are just - no, I need to stop hating people for my own good). Long put short, I have to gain renown, so I'll play their rules.