Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Of hidden self

One of the advices I never trusted was when they tell us to be ourselves. This is bullshit. I’ve always felt being punished by being myself. And by not being myself is the closest I got to get myself things I wanted. I don’t get friends by being quiet, by spending my time think of the behind of things. In fact, whenever I show such side I’m always mocked.

This is my secret life, the one no one cares about. Though it hurts me to know I can’t show myself to others, I also have this little drop of gladness (though arguably an ironic and bitter one) that this is my world, one that none disturbs. And yet, I know that not even here I can’t be fully myself. It’s frustrating to feel this lonely, to know there’s no one who’s absolutely on my side, someone I can open my heart to, someone who will want to see me healed as much I want everybody to. I’m tired of feeling like everything I touch, everyone I meet is going to either hurt me or do nothing to do otherwise. I want to feel comfortable, a friendly soul who can stand by me.

In the end, no matter what I do, no matter how much I want to blame the others. Áine forbids me, but by doing so I am always plagued by the guilt of being responsible for this. Sometimes it seems to me Áine is the one who hurts me and Trygve is trying to heal that wound.

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