It’s really uncomfortable to be unaware of how the future will unfold. So much pain I could avoid if I could just know that what I’m doing is enough to provide me a prosperous future. I’ve got to stick to the ground and go for the safest option: no.
It leads me to blaming, even overblaming, but I never seem to feel like I’m doing enough. I can only hate myself for all the things I do that prevent me from thinking I’m doing things right. It seems I’m my own problem, and it’s my own flaws that will someday create the wall that will ultimately deter me in my quest.
I think in the end it makes sense to try to be someone else, I won’t really get there by being me, the way as I am today. I can’t be myself, I have to sacrifice myself to this. I have to kill this self. It’s the mythological death, the ones that makes the character be reborn with this flaws gone.
And by meaning death I don’t mean a wound, like the usual overblaming. I have had my deep wounds before that gave me some rewards, like the one that brought me to start this blog, but those didn’t truly kill me. The flaws I have in me that I need to bury away weren’t eliminated.
No, I need a punch like one I’ve never had before. And then I’ll get up again, or maybe I won’t. But considering how persistent I’ve been for so many months (faltering and all, yes, but still here), I don’t think I’ll let that happen – or bear with it.
Sometimes I think if it’s coming, if my Death Queen is about to deliver it again. I wonder if I should be waiting, or if I should go towards it. After all, I know where to go. Fullglare has delivered me some data on this. It’s in the things I’m unconsciously avoiding, the fears my mind wants me to stay away from.