Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Of Fullglare


Maybe my Shadow can’t be eliminated, maybe I have to learn how to live with it. There are some forces I can’t win, though I’m unaware if it’s only because of my lack of preparation. But I know that some fears, those that became cobwebs, should be erased, somehow. I haven’t got spells to delete them, though some little ones mysteriously disappear by the mere action of being aware of them.

One of Trygve’s main tools is Fullglare (rumor has Zhu Rong helped the craft). It means the exercise to face all those things, mainly, especially, those topics my minds wants to stay away from. It’s weird, but it feels almost like a counter-intuitive measure, to dive this deep in pain. Also, my mind seems to be almost hypnotized by those things.

But pain is a resource to be explored. If there’s something I’ve learned from my depressive seasons, it’s that these crisis were always important for me to climb one step higher. My creations, all my accomplishments seem to be a fruit of despair, an attempt to feel secure, so it makes sense to me that I’d feel tempted to be graced with such a hardened motivation.

It’s easy to think one can summon this energy, but sometimes I doubt its effectiveness. It’s the idea that I like tasting pain when it doesn’t seem all too menacing; however, when pain seems a burden that I’ll never get rid of, that this sorrow will never leave. It’s hard to practice fullglare, as I’m supposed to hold something inside me at the same time I’m feeling a terrible aversion towards it.

So this is how Fullglare seems to be an important tool. I’m still learning to accept my incapability to clean my mind of all these dark stains and I’m still frustrated at how Fullglare is such a weak spell for that, but there’s always the first step.

But at least I could cling to the idea that at least I’m paying attention to these things happening inside me, and I can hope someday I’ll find real spells that can really fight these dark forces damaging my lands.

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