Saturday, November 30, 2013

Of change and growth

 The turmoil inside my head makes me unable to see anything clearly. A sudden flood brought everything to become washed by a muddy mess. The abscission demons are turning Ilium into a barren land. My steps are unclear and often I find myself hurting myself by stepping on some unearthed trauma. A group appears through the gray mist. One of those traumas is the fear that I've reached all I will ever accomplish. A group of Hakr's scouters are already here.

Being desperate to prove my own worth, I've been trying to find, anywhere I can, a place where I'd feel I could still try something different to explore and find something refreshingly new that I could invest my time on. Unfortunately I started finding myself unable to feel comfortable in any new world. For I came back to the old one I've found it hollow. I couldn't belong to this world anymore. I was caught in-between worlds.

Raseri wasn't like Ushag, who just wanted to destroy Ilium, for Raseri had his own plans for the city, but he was enraged with the realization he couldn't take Ilium where he wanted. It wasn't prepared for a new industrial system. And even the old one was too outdated and the knowledge acquired wasn't enough to work as a gravity center anymore. He knew Ushag would be much too pleased to know about this.

So I couldn't change and I couldn't grow (and seemed to have lost what I initially had). Now I am very confused, for I don't know what to do, or where to go. I don't know if, in order to free myself I have to change or grow. One very important detail about this is that I am not sure how to tell them apart. Not sure how to tell when I'm changing who I am and when I am just expanding my essence to new horizons. Not sure if this new industrial systems would help bring this renovation to Ilium.

One thing is sure, I can't stagnate. But considering the powers I've been losing, I'm retreating, receding, regressing. I'm shrinking instead of growing. Stiffening instead of changing. My days are being a ghastly imprisonment inside my nightmares where I fall back in the netherworld of frozen dreams.

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