Checkpoint #31

October was scary. It presented me difficulties in several spheres of my life that felt menacing enough to feel like the war I had last year was going to be repeated. Fortunately not quite so. I believed I'm more prepared and with myself under control so even though I'm having Hakr around and I'm having doubts, I'm feeling strong debates in my head and just some eventual bellic skirmishes.

Sill enough to bring down my concentration power, and also discipline, though (which makes me wonder whether I'm actually better than last year when I managed to follow my own rules in spite of all - this place was sacred to me back then, though, I wouldn't ever think of abandoning it). Several mindtraps and saboteers working around my head and utgard scourgers are all around even though I had another seemingly successful siezing of Hrungnir. This bizarre fatigue happening in the last few days along with my need to follow other medical orders is trapping me in a very, very restrict routine which is making my life even more of a bore.

Somehow, time is everyday growing thinner and I'm every time losing more things in my routine. Even with the discipline I'm trying to impose to myself, I'm still doing everytime less than before. And so I'm being forced to give up on more things constantly. For that reason, I'll have to keep it slow around here, unfortunately. It's the thing about acceptance, understanding that some losses are important. I have to let it go of this mentality of writing thirty texts every month like it's the most essential thing ever.

It's just something that used to make me feel strong for being capable of doing it, and I got hypnotized by it. But I'm not giving up now, there's no feeling that this makes no sense anymore. It's just that I'm going to have fifteen texts each month because that's what I can do now... Time to accept things as they are, and I'm not as young and strong as I used to be and I'm still recovering from health problems, so while I don't find a very, very good reason to motivate me and I can rise like burning phoenix, there's no use pretending to be what I'm not. That is not convincing to others and it is prejudicial to me in every way. Plus, half of my texts still are turning out to be me opening my heart about my struggles and I'm still very uncomfortable with sounding like a crybaby since this is basically my one and main outlet I have and it's not even a very effective one...

This month was great for some thoughts, though. I made some small advancements to the innerverse and I got some things settling down. However, I think what's most relevant is the idea of Emet Cores, which I have to practice to see if it's actually what happens to create mindscapes, and I think that's very great. Another item to my to-do list which is probably in the thousands already.

So let november come and see if I can make my way to the end of the year with one last goal in mind: getting recovered once and for all. Discipline, health, self-esteem. Learning and reading with legitimate interest and not because I need to. Finding safe ports, learning of strategies, knowing when to dodge and defend, knowing when to strike, knowing when to run and hide and heal. Next year is about to begin, and I want – I need – 2014 to be a very productive year. Easier said than done, but there's always the first brick.