Monday, April 30, 2012

Of dormant Csillag

Life flows while I keep living a very mundane routine of dealing with never-ending accumulation of things. There’s my job and my food and clothes and personal problems. I meet people and travel the days. While sometimes this modest life appeases me a lot, sometimes I feel can’t satisfy myself with that. Imagine this is how you’ll live until you die, until you’re no more. Can you live with it?

There’s this big fear inside me that keeps me pressing to develop myself to avoid that. It’s the dread I feel of resting and sleeping more than the basic need. I call it Csillag. In the Fire Ensemble realm, it stands for a beast that must not be awakened.

Csillag is regret. It crushes me as I am only to imagine I’m not doing something right. I’ve been too outgoing, too extroverted lately. As it wakes up, it’s when my mind repents of it. Every visit from him puts me to my knees, but I beg him for one more new chance. For the next days, then, I’ll be silent, quiet again. Sometimes it strikes me out of the sudden, even when I’ve been doing my fucking best. Though I can’t kill it, as it’s really important for my development, I just wish this fear was a bit more fair. When there’s the first signs of awakening, I’ve been desperately trying to calm it with the promise of the Pacient Design.

He can’t be too evil, as he prevents me from being too proud, or too arrogant, or any form of superiority. He never lets you posses happiness for too long too, so he’s neither a benefactor. So what exactly could he be like? Is Csillag a higher god? Is he a tyrant boss who demands results or a balrog-looking dragonbeast that trades peace in exchange of offerings? I have to be careful when creating it. Is Csillag belonging to the Dark Army? Or is he part of the Fire Ensemble? Could he be their boss? I still don’t know where to fit him in this world. Damn, there’s something from him that I’ve once related with Vesta. So could Csillag be her dark secret? The balance that I’m supposed to achieve, is it more fear than discipline? My monthly offerings, they seem to ease him more than a true passionate dedication to my cause.

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