Of an engine that had stopped working

It's weird the different ways emptiness could rule one's soul. It could be the longing for something unknown, or maybe it could be the apathetic feeling that nothing is missing, or whatever if it is. I couldn't tell if it can be good or bad, if it was peace or disinterest, but being in the Surface Reality apparently has this effect of making my mind go numb - not in the shallow-and-stupid way, but making me lose the sensibility towards things around me, and that alone bothered me a whole lot.

That's my best shot on why one of these days I felt my emotional responses vanished. Such a weird experience. I felt as, for example, Hephaestosis never happened inside me. There no more of those different fires burning inside me. There was no more of this impetuous curiosity, this passion that drives my chest around the world, making my eyes shine a sparkle for every marvellous thing around this planet, the passion that bounds me to the fact that I'm a child of this world and who feels responsible to hold the hands of the poor and the weak and to right the wrongs of the world, the passion that makes me stampede through my own obstacles.The perfect analogy is, after all, of an engine that had stopped working, like an airplane going up and up and suddenly losing the force that was outdoing gravity.

Without this passion that gives me courage and strength and resistance I have nothing special, it's nuclearly important for me. These fires are the very core of my enthusiasm. I'm afraid the absence of emotional responses even seemed to handicap my intelectual power (which is not even enough to begin with). I couldn't write anything else on the blog because I just felt I didn't need it. There was no point in developing myself.

However, the Guardrail System is proving to be a perfect one, as the lack of enthusiasm that's been fueling me so far started making me worried, and as the fear of failure seems to be such an invading tidal wave, I've chosen to let it invade me with all the intensity these negative feelings had. And so, by harvesting this feeling, I was able to regain the impetuosity, even though it was a Sour Fuel.

I have once foreseen that maybe one day I'll get too mature to feel hate and sorrow, and one day I'll no longer have it to fuel my power, so I can't count on this strategy if this Blackout happens again. And I know it will, as I have the feeling the Surface Reality has this effect in me, making the sensibility I was able to grow with introspection go numb. But fortunately I've learned then that breathing my way to deeper levels again can also bring me back to Hephaestosis through Nirvanic Concentration.

But anyway, I am paying more attention to the dangers of this, huh, Emotional Method. It's not safe, as they can be really unstable. I can't trust them because they are everchanging and it makes for an never-ending task, identifying the emotional responses, plus without them I am left with nothing, since logic is not my strenght. But I don't believe I can make progress this fast without them as well. Here I have another conflict, another chess match.