It's quite a motto of mine to insist on saying the obvious is underestimated. As obvious as it is, I feel it can't be said enough: we usually overlook them, we have to pay close attention to them - logistics and avoidance of mindtraps depend on it. Really, the most interesting realizations are the ones that shows us things that were under our noses the whole time.
So I realized an obvious thing one of those days. Actually, it was a Charged Realization, as I've been boiling this idea in the peripheral side of mind along the months, the idea that the Past and Future are just mirrors of the Present. After all, sometimes I have the unconscious and absurd thought that medieval lives, for example, kind of knew what was to come in the future centuries. And it's by studying how the other ages saw the future that helps us realize something this obvious.
We develop logistics to understand the past and future by understanding hints and tendencies, but as I've once written about, the present will forever be the only tangible thing. And the way we look at the past and the future will just mirror our current selves. It's almost like when you are talking about someone, and the undercurrent of your statements will probably show more about you than the other person. It's the idea that there's a subjective universe spining around the subject, and if the subject changes, the entirety of said universe changes as well.
If it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't have noticed this also happens in my mind, though it's incredibly hard to pinpoint to the words to describe it. Back some months ago I can recall I had some different perceptions of the world than I do now. In a way it's good to know there's a change happening as I want to develop myself, and there'll be no development if I am not changing. But I feel a little unsettling about it anyway. After the Blackout mentioned previously, I feel a little worried about the very longing for development to change, or in a way that the enthusiasm loses its potency. I really, really dread it. And I am afraid mostly of losing this fear.
Other issues involve the fact that I can't seem to track the whole of my thoughts with this constant change, as my earlier productions are left behind (I haven't taken in account the accumulative factor in the logistics of mental development, apparently). And then somehow I keep changing before I get appropriately used to the current status. Before I get familiar with how it all works the grounds feel to be wild again, and I have to rethink and readapt everything all over again (I'm unsure of it, so it could be a mermaid thought, so... something approximately like that). And then there's also the issue of losing focus, going astray, and losing track of nuclear issues and answers I had already found. The whole issue is, putting it simple, my incapability to know if the change is forwards instead of backwards.
It's the constant conflict with my selves. I always had a disappointment with my past self and I also have a distrust that my future self with heartlessly abandon the quest I'm so passionately in right now. And in that sense, I ironically don't seem to change, since I'm recalling a forgotten emotional response I had some years ago, this fear of the future self becoming a different self.
I'd be surprised at how much I improved beyond my own expectations (you're so pathetic, past self). Maybe this old fear is causing me to overrate the problem. Maybe it doesn't change that much, although what I feel to change seems to feel like a piece of clothing that never fits comfortably. And fortunately, it appears that some things don't seem to change, like the Prime Undertones (and its involvement with the Framework, but my thoughts on that will have to be charged first before wording it further).
Also, I've been noticing how the mood I'm in influences the allegory of my emotions. Sometimes I'm too involved in History and I understand my emotions through historical allegories; when I'm in a mood for playing games, I have the tendency to feel my emotions through analogies with gaming elements. Sometimes I'm more musical and I feel the emotions to be more musical than visual. I'm currently comparing my mind with the sea's depth, so probably that's the reason why I feel it differently, my thoughts now are too blueish.
And one more thing, that seems quite contrasting with the whole subject, is that I've also been noticing how the discovery of some motifs that I discover don't seem to make me change this much despite the enthusiasm they bring me. For instance, I can't even remember a time when I wasn't aware of my emotional responses, or when I didn't pay attention to logistics. Maybe it has to do with the very fact that it's a discovery and an officialization and not an invention. Or maybe it's because of how the dominant current perception of the world perceives it - the overthrown perception from the past selves apparently erased in the process.
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