Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Of Etherways

The Causal responses are much trickier than I would expect them to be. It’s not like I have actually changed, but I’m feeling these adherences and aversions to experiences to happen with more, say, vehemence. Unfortunately for me, since I’ve started paying attention to my adherence to my Sigma state, I’ve also noticed it has several side effects to the Gamma State as well, and it’s been sabotaging my attempts to recover.

I am calling Etherways these self-destruction impulses, this inclination to chase my own fall. I’ve given this weird feeling several names already, like Trygve and Opals, dealing with some of the similar aspects. But this one is stranger. Why do I seek the Sigma State again after it has been replaced by healthier conditions? Could the Causal thoughts keep me attached to it as it would mean the state when I’m most true to all my deficiencies? Is the adherence because it would lead me to important areas I should not forget about?

Etherways happen usually after I’ve recovered from the Sigma State, and still feel connected to it. I’m ever so intrigued by this adherence to Sigma State and aversion to the incoming Gamma State. I feel chained to Sigma, and excursions to Gamma happen short before I feel strangely guilty. This, this is exactly as it happened in June. It’s in this state that the world and attempts to rise leadsome and poignant, not to mention there gut-wrenching feeling of reality has returned.

Sometimes, however, this ether adherence to the Sigma State makes me want to return to it, as if the escape was a coward one and I would forget the lessons I felt I had to learn and change. It’s as if Vesta would be trying to forbid me from going away without learning the lessons. Or then Hephaestus’ curiosity.

But even if Etherways happen to bring a virtue, even if there’s really some importance to coming back other than just self-harming,  then I’ll want to reexplore those feelings, this time even having the expectancy I will not feel it with despair and I’ll be more analytical towards these issues, everything is suddenly out of reach. There’s a distress, of course, but it’s not the feeling I wanted. The one I want is suddenly locked or blocked. Songs that felt unbearable for me to listen to now don’t have the effect I want.

Could it be my mind has realized how potentially traumatizing some events could be and locked them away? So there are these buried traumas I can’t reach again. I know the events that would trigger this feeling, but the quintessence seems to more dead than alive, it’s weird… I just can’t ignite the feeling, just some hints of it after some constant sieging.

But why is my mind doing this? If I need the Sigma State, why is it out of reach? There’s no coherence in this, and as the blocking is stronger, burying them deep does not save me either, as just goes to disturb me from down below. So apparently, in order to keep my mind healthy, I have to prevent my mind from burying it. But if the age of Gamma has come, I have to make a tremendous effort to delta-retrieve the Sigma State just so it won’t go unresolved.