Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Of Raseri’s Clan

New Scourgers will come as I travel life and face defeat in new ways, or when I just go deeper into unexplored areas of me. One of them is about the hate and disgust and things I always wanted to avoid, but comes a time when I know I need to focus on what they are. I can’t try to pretend I’m so lovely. No, there’s a dark part of me that’s very opposite to Áine’s reach, and this clan of scourgers is leaded by one I’m calling Raseri.

Raseri is to Áine like darkness is to light. It’s when I have complete lack of empathy to people, some kind of misanthropy. He is the sum of all hatred and putrid feelings of despise I can have. I do have them and it’s best acknowledging it so I can avoid it better. It can be a dissidence from this self-loathing I possess, so Raseri can be related to Ushag, though I very rarely let Raseri to take the control of me as Ushag can be towards me.

Hassen and Haesten are the members of this clan representing the broken relation between man and woman. It’s this saddening war of sexes, this silly debauch one gender member has over the other one, or how a romantic relationship, either mine or not, can wound scars in me. One represents the misandry and chauvinism, while the other is misogyny and misrepresentation of the feminine. My misogyny, however, is directed towards women that make their gender look so uninteresting and lacking personality. The less girly-like a woman is in personality, the weaker Hassen is. As it deals with relationships, they are almost the opposite of Sfayi and Qareen, which are my idea of a perfect relationship, while somehow I feel like Hassen and Haesten are all I can have. By the way, I’ve had this name to see with the alphabetical impression how one name can look feminine, and what letters changed can make it look more masculine, and there’s also my doubts on representation, as the feminine should wield misandry, but at the same time, the masculine should be the figure in which I would stamp the characteristics that arouse my own aversion to my own gender.

The two other scourgers belonging to the clan I’m calling the Hazemakers, because they make my enthusiasm for the world to be cut short. One of them is Älcke, and represents something similar to Hassen and Haesten. It’s the depressive vulgarity, and shallow lives, the incredibly uncomfortable animosity in my family. It’s the drunken father who can’t stand up on his feet properly. It’s the disgust that shows fear of living in a situation like this. It strikes me under subtle influence, but it’s deep in its unconscious essence. When I see a wasted life it awakens the hidden fear of being myself living in mediocrity that gives me a feeling of ‘get me out of here’. It represents those who live their lives like puppets, and do not attract you with life.

The other scourger is Avsky. It’s the irritability that comes from silly impatience towards all that stands in the way. It’s the discomfort from a messy room, but also health issues that hinder my concentration and ignite my worry about health and diseases. It’s also being upset when things don’t go as I expect. It comes from all that annoys me as they keep me from working in a plain way.

And now, probably it is important to highlight, these scourgers are what they must be in their own nature. I am fairly sure these are common feelings to all, and though they must be fought against, we can’t pretend to ignore them and assume we are without them. No, they are all there for everyone, but some have them powerless.