Thursday, January 31, 2013

Of hidden energy (from fears fulfilled)

Everything happens in this closed system of themes.

Perhaps I have no choice but to be lonely. I can never give the best of myself when there are others to help me out. Maybe that’s what dampens my soul, because for someone who is always in hiding and showing so much vulnerability, it’s strange that I can be so persistent and in the greatest moments of need I can grow so strong all of a sudden. But for that to happen apparently I have to be abandoned.

When everything is gone I have these moments of complete abandonment when a union happens between Trygve and Hephaestus. When I feel I’ve reached bottom I usually get this strange energy (the allegorical quintessence makes me think of the mighty “avatar state”). Somehow, instead of the usual despair, the mechanisms of my mind make me see a challenge standing clear, like a disappearing mist of the clearing dawn. It’s a feeling of excitement.

Here is something I could consider to be a worldly lesson, as it reminds me of something J.K. Rowling once said about how shitty her life was before her sudden fame and fortune: "I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive. (...) And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life".

This is the ordering droplet I’ve been in need of. I was really scared of going back to the world. I was afraid of being strong, of the responsibility this exposure meant. I can’t say I am in my greatest shape now, but I’m feeling nice for what I already have. Even Zhu Rong, who seemed dead as he went pale and still for a long time, got rescued and is in the process of healing. He will want his revenge.

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